Jane1825

This is my 3rd day. I decided to give up drinking (again) because I blacked out on the weekend and apparently started to try to physically abuse/punch my boyfriend when we were downtown drinking. Something similar, has happened one other time about a year ago. I feel absolutely horrible. I also feel lucky that I was very ineffective, and he didn't get hurt at all. He is much stronger than me, so I it would be hard to ever physically hurt him (and i almost hope somewhere in the back of my drunk mind I know this). But that doesn't relieve the guilt or knowing that I did something wrong.
He has forgiven me, or at least is ok with the situation, though is gone on a trip for 8 days that was already planned. I am trying to give us some time and space while he's gone and not text/call very much (he doesn't have much access to phones where he is anyway).
I am completely willing to now give up alcohol. It honestly has never been so so hard to give it up- I've done it before for mental health issues- it's just been hard to control after I start again. I also have ridiculous things pushing back against this idea- like the social awkwardness of not drinking. Even though I know that is totally not comparable in magnitude to what I did.
This was also the first time where I completely blacked out for large streches of time- as in I didn't remember getting violent at all, though I remember the moments around it. Before when I have gotten really drunk I will often remember more or less what happened after I was reminded.
I am currently in therapy for extreme anxiety and generally have been feeling better about things, and so this was extra surprising and disappointing.

Lostintime1984

Hang in there. Your on the right track.

Berrybean

Glad you're here and posting.

Have you considered AA at all? Or making a recovery plan?

BB

Dee74

Hi and welcoem Jane
I'm glad you've decided to give up drinking - you'll find a lot of support here

D

b0glerd69

Hi Jane, I have experienced similar blackouts and said and done things that I can't remember in the morning. Then having to endure the shame and embarrassment as I pieced together the evening's events. There is a way to avoid ever having to walk the 'path of shame' again. Glad to see you posting and good luck in your recovery.

time2shineagain

Hi Jane. Just wanted to say 'welcome'. I'm currently 10 days in, so early days for me too. Let's both do this. Being on the merry-go-round of drinking is no way to live. You'll find great support here. X

Jane1825

Thank you for the replies. I almost couldn't look at them because I was so afraid I'd be seen as a monster. Hearing back from everyone who is really non-judgmental makes me feel this is doable. And hearing back from people who have been in similar situations is also so helpful. Thank you so much.
I have a therapy appointment in less than a week, and while I am sick to my stomach about the idea of bringing it up, I'm going to and talk my therapist about coming up with a plan. I'm going on a camping trip over the weekend, so luckily alcohol won't be an option then.

Bird615

Welcome to SR, Jane!

The thing with me drinking--it was like playing Russian Roulette.

I might be fine the next time, or I could end up doing something somewhat embarrassing like a drunken text or Facebook post. Or I could end up in a blackout doing something horrifying that I would regret for the rest of my life. I did get violent more than once.

I just never knew what would happen and that was just one of the things that motivated me to stop.

Life can be really good sober and the peace of mind is priceless.

Star222

I get violent when I drink and blackout too. Unfortunately my husband has left me now as it really messed him up. It happened more than once and the thought of me drinking really scared him. I’m not a aggressive person sober and would never want to hurt anyone, I’m the complete oppersite. Get all the help you need. Don’t let alcohol ruin your life anymore than is has. I also have anxiety and I think it’s been caused by the drinking and the guilt of the terrible things I’ve done over the years when I blacked out.

JJ991

Anxiety is a common theme here. I started suffering from anxiety a few years ago, I'm sure it was drinking that was partly to blame - drink to calm the anxiety, anxiety gets worse so drink more etc.

The good news is stopping drinking has reduced my anxiety such a lot.

93619

The other thing to remember is drinking while taking meds for anxiety increases your chances of blackouts.
Glad you’ve made the decision to stop drinking. There’s a lot of support her that can help you through it. Just take it one day at a time. I also have extremely high anxiety and Panic Attacks. Taking with your counselor will help.

Dee74

welcome 93619

D