Readygo

My back story: i’ve stopped drinking previously for pregnancy with no issue because it made sense. I couldn’t drink no matter what, no question. I could have just one or two when timing breastfeeding... it made me anxious and it was annoying so I just usually didn’t drink at all because I obsessed too much, I can have just one for two when driving and I haven’t driven drunk, but when it has been a no strong situation i haven’t been able to justify not having more. Having just one or two makes me cranky and I think what’s the point?? This last year I can definitely see an increase in concern. Waking up at 4am wondering if I have an issue, trying to count how many I really had, standing in the shower telling myself I need to cut back, no drinking tonight-which is broken. Feeling shaky each morning after. Going through wine, rum or beer at a rate that my husband has said “woah we are already out of that?!”

I’m familiar with the justifying, but I haven’t ever stuck with the conviction to myself that if I keep this up there’s only one way to go.

The last few days I can feel this same justifying, the one that tells me I’ve given it up this long, maybe do a little more and then stop again. You’re going on a trip next month, surely that’s a reason to let loose a little, I haven’t gotten into any real trouble and have been able to carry on the next day despite any headache or foggieness, my hangovers haven’t been that bad, no one else thinks I have an issue.

I’m sure many here are familiar. A part of me knows to tell my other part to shut up and sit down but it’s still there.

Sometimes reading other stories I have the “I must not be that bad” talk, but again I have read the posts that say someone thought they could manage to control it and here they are after a 5 year binge.

I don’t really have a question since I know what my answer is but it sucks. I like to be able to put it down somewhere and maybe reach out to others who can empathize. When does that justifying quiet down 😣 I keep repeating I can’t do that, I can’t do that, I am going to loose any sense of control I have grown the last 23 days if I do that

Offthemast

I'd listen to that voice. The other one is an a-hole.

Zanna

Hi If you 'weren't that bad', why would you have searched for and joined, an addiction website? You didn't search for and join one on combustion engines etc, as they aren't relevant to you.
It's cunning, the old AV, but sounds like it's yelling at high volume right now - tell it to naff off
23 days is amazing - dont blow it
Hugs.

Outonthetiles

Your AV is lying to you? That's a real SHOCKER!!!

faith823

In all honesty normies dont wake up at 4am thinking about alcohol . So just what ever you can to take care of yourself and I whole heartedly agree who wants two drinks.

Ken0331

Yep, welcome to alcoholism. Alcohol abuse disorder. Whatever you want to call it.

It lies to us. It tells us what we want to hear, and when denied tell us things we really hate hearing about who we are and what we've become.

Do you have a support system, or are you trying to do this alone?

Dee74

I'm not even going to dignify your AV with a response readygo

It gets better - it really does....stick with it
D

Lostintime1984

Lol..if I am awaken at 4 am it better be for something good like a bathroom run or a spoonful of peanut butter from the jar.

Nonsensical

When I retrained my brain to think other thoughts the old ones just kind of died off. Here's an article on synaptic pruning I found interesting. It seems to fit. Essentially, when you stop using certain neural pathways, the brain 'prunes' them. You stop using older neural pathways by building new ones. You build new ones by training your brain to think new thoughts. I've probably over-simplified things, but hopefully you get the picture.

You can do this.

PalmerSage

All of these are YET (you're eligible too): I haven’t gotten into any real trouble and have been able to carry on the next day despite any headache or foggieness, my hangovers haven’t been that bad, no one else thinks I have an issue.

Especially that last one. This is something I've struggled with in the past, "I'm not 'that person," slurring my words and staggering around!" #1: I sure was when I was alone, and #2: I'm pretty confident that if anyone ever knew the truth about my drinking, it wouldn't take much to convince them I have a problem.

dwtbd

Your AV has latched onto the idea that you have yet to decide to Never change you mind about more drinks.

Make your plan that you will never drink again and never change your mind . Any thought about more drinks after that plan are AV , IT trying to engage You in a debate , IT getting You to weigh the options , IT finding justifications for YOU to have more booze.

Once you decide to never change your mind about your plan, it literally can't be You that is thinking of more drinks, or missing the fact that there is no more booze coming.

IT will always cajole and try and initiate a debate, by removing the possibility of more booze as an outcome, YOU won't engage IT, why would you , yeah?

YOU may still 'hear' IT but if you have already guaranteed the outcome, ain't gonna happen, you will hear It as the twaddle it really is, It becomes increasingly easier to fluff off . But you have to eliminate the possibility of future drinks, otherwise You are just trying to find the 'right' justification.
rootin for ya

Readygo

My family would be supportive but most of them
Are just like “oh, okay...” as go on about their business. My husband thinks pretty much whatever makes me happier, and listens when I talk about when I want one. I’m thinking of potentially going to AA just trying to figure out the kid situation since I have them 24/7 and I have only 2 people that can watch them. Otherwise it’s this site and connecting with any more of the readings I have come across or ordered.

Readygo

Thank you so much everyone!! I am definitely going to come and read these and the article in one response every time I start to hear that stupid AV. You are all RIGHT!! I need to prune away and just keep ignoring that voice. Maybe visualize punching it in the face?? 😉

doggonecarl

Twenty three days (or is it 24 now?) is awesome. But in the grand scheme, it's very early in recovery. It's normal to be plagued by thoughts that you could drink, that you aren't so bad.

I certainly had them. But unlike my earlier, failed, attempts at sobriety, I was committed to never drinking again. Any thoughts of drinking were just going to be suffered or ignored. Just not obeyed.

The obsession passes. Really. As long as you don't drink.

biminiblue

Exactly what they said ^^

Change your thoughts to something else. "Yes, I hear you. I don't drink."

Then think about something else. The thoughts will come. Don't get upset about that, it just happens. It gets better the further you are from your last drink.

Delilah1

First, congratulations on 23 days, you are getting close to that one month mark which is a fantastic milestone!!

I spent several years justifying my drinking, and then several attempting to moderating, and truthfully, it was exhausting and never worked. Like you, I did not drink while pregnant, or breastfeeding, but I found myself back to drinking daily in time.

If you are anything like me, and I believe most of this in this site moderation won't work. I have found being sober much easier.mit is hard work in the beginning, especially as we learn to deal with life's struggles without the crutch of alcohol, but it is so much better, and so worth it.

This is a great site for support, it having s recovery plan is really important. Do you have anything else in place for recovery besides SR?

Delilah1

Reading, journaling, and mindfulness are a few things you can do at home with the kids. Also, if you can sneak away for a short walk, I have found that to be helpful.

There is a book thread that has some wonderful things when you are staring out. You might like "Mommy Doesn't Drink here Anymore," also the Elizabeth Vargas book is good, so are "Blackout," and "Drinking, A Love Story."

AnvilheadII

When does that justifying quiet down

when drinking is no longer an option. when no means no, not today, not on thursday, arbor day, it rained today day, payday. when no means not tomorrow, not next week, not next vacation, not next year.

a debate takes two sides. never engage with the AV. do not argue, or attempt to reason. THERE IS NO RATIONALITY to it.

some people imagine slamming a door against the AV. walking away. talk to the hand. get off my lawn. get off my sobriety!

Nonsensical

I like it. My favorite visualization was putting the AV in a box and plugging the air holes while it complained.

Anything that reminds you that you are the one in charge. You are the one with the power. You have executive authority over the AV, and you're using it.

Dropsie

I love this "a debate takes two sides. never engage " Its what I say about my evil Ex.

I also love something that Dee says "abstention is not control"

Its a fact, trust us, we have all tried, all failed.

Its why when people tell me that addiction is just a mental thing, I call ********.

Its mental, but its also physical.

One sip and we are off to the races.