Apologizing to Yourself

Old 01-23-2018, 09:43 AM
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Apologizing to Yourself

Forgiveness is really, really hard for me all around.... I'm a self-proclaimed Grudge-Monster.

I've found that it makes forgiving myself even more difficult.... and it occurred to me as I'm pondering this topic today that I have to find a way to actually apologize to myself if I expect to be forgiven, right? I can't just ARRIVE at Forgiveness/Acceptance, Party of 1, can I?

So what kind of active exercises have you all used to accomplish this?

Or do you find that it's more passive & builds over time as you reinforce your self-care/respect/trust?

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Old 01-23-2018, 09:48 AM
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Don't look at me - I'm the worst at forgiveness, especially of myself.
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Old 01-23-2018, 09:55 AM
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Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
Or do you find that it's more passive & builds over time as you reinforce your self-care/respect/trust?
This. It wasn't a moment, or even a series of moments. With the building of my self-esteem (through taking esteemable actions) came self-forgiveness.
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Old 01-23-2018, 10:09 AM
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I know that I've posted this on a different thread but perhaps it will help you. This prayer has helped me a lot, not to completely forgive my STBXAH, but open myself up to the possibility of forgiveness. Perhaps you could try it for yourself too....read it and insert yourself and try to be honest about why exactly you can't forgive yourself. Sometimes just acknowledging exactly what you can't forgive helps you find a place to start the process?

Below is the prayer:

The vision of God's spirit is the vision of innocence. It is not our job to forgive whom God has not condemned, but rather to remember that God condemns no one. Spirit heals through forgiveness and asks that we do likewise. Attack is an easier response than forgiveness, and that is why we are so tempted to give into it. Throughout our lives, we have seen more anger than examples of true forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean we suppress our anger; forgiveness means that we have asked for a miracle; the ability to see through the mistakes that someone has made to the truth that lies in all of our hearts. None of this "I'm too spiritual to be angry," for who among us is? Rather, we pray, "I am angry, dear God. But I am willing not to be. I am willing to see this situation another way." Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one who inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness. Attack thoughts toward others are attacks on ourselves. The first step in forgiveness is the willingness to forgive. If you can state, despite your resistance, your willingness to see the spiritual innocence, the light in the soul of the one who has harmed you, you have begun the journey to a deep and unshakable peace.

Dear GOD: There is someone whom I very much dislike. It is ................ My anger or unforgiveness is because.......................... I know that my ability to forgive this person is where my freedom lies, for my hatred and judgement are attacks upon myself. This hatred keeps me tied, dear Lord, to the guilt within my mind, and I am willing to be free. Dear God, please help me. I surrender to You my thoughts of this person's guilt. I allow myself to fully feel my pain, my sense of violation. My fear that this person will hurt me again. I take these feelings and place them in Your hands. May Your love be like a bonfire in which my feelings can transform. I know my attack thoughts are hurting me, And yet I feel I cannot let them go. And so I say to You, Dear Lord, I am willing to see this person's innocence. I am willing to see the pain in him that would make him do these things. I am willing to have my perceptions healed that I might rise above, that I might hurt no longer, that I might be released from this wheel of suffering. For I know that if I could drop this, i would be set free. I cannot do this for myself, Dear Lord. In spite of my pain, in spite of my resistance, I pray for this person. I ask that this person be healed and given new life, As I ask for surcease from my own pain. For truly we are reborn or we die together. I know this. I am willing to have a miracle. I am willing to forgive. I need Your strength to do so. Thank You, Lord, for making me bigger, for bringing me closer to the divine power in my own heart. I surrender this person to You. I surrender my pain to You. Heal him. Heal me. Thank You. Amen.
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Old 01-23-2018, 10:33 AM
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I think accepting what is your errors and which ones are not yours. To not get caught up in the blame game but find solutions for those areas that you need involvement. Not to let your ideas of what others are thinking about you to define who you want to be. Areas are not going to be fixed all of a sudden but self esteem comes from recognizing small changes are happening for you.
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Old 01-23-2018, 10:58 AM
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What I've found helps me the most is to call to mind that I'm only human. I'm going to make mistakes. I try to proceed thru life with caution about what I say and do, but I'm still going to fall short. When I do, I say I'm sorry to whoever I've wronged, and then forgive myself by reminding myself that I'm simply human. Then I try to take actions to not make the same mistake again. And when I find myself really bothered by something someone else has done, I try to remember that they are only human as well. Probably trying to do the best they can with what they've been given. IDK if this helps at all, but it's a good go-to for me.
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Old 01-23-2018, 11:21 AM
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Firesprite,

As I move from the reality I've lived through into seeing the new reality I'm creating and living in THIS DAY, everything changes.

The whole approach of healing becomes changed up.

I've gone through several approaches and many new realizations about self-forgiveness, as I needed them in my life. All good, none "wrong". The ones that didn't resonate with me simply pointed me towards the ones that did.

Pray... and follow. Let the Universe guide you. The more playtime we embrace, the more we let go of focus on "problems" of life, the more we open ourselves to a beautiful, illogical, FUN... then transformation takes place by spiritual means on this physical plane.

Physical purging is connected to spiritual purging. So needed, wonderful, transformative! Now what about FUN? Exhilaration! Joyous celebration of the abundance of the moment! This energy draws the same to us. Again, and again. In 100% of each moment.

You've been doing so much hard work. Now is the time to allow ease. To let others show up for you in miraculous ways.

Part of allowing more GOOD of each moment is recognizing when the place I'm in -- mentally, physically -- isn't working for me. I'm now URGED to get up and walk away from situations I don't like. No more guilt. No more shame.
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Old 01-23-2018, 11:22 AM
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Mirror work!!

I read a gem of a little spiritual book called "The Toltec Way" - a bit of an off-spin of the Four Agreements way of thinking...

So the exercise is this, do it daily:

Stand in front of a mirror. Look into your own eyes. Say, "I love you. I am sorry. Forgive me. Thank you."

It's really powerful!


The other thing is the Bible, but that can get controversial. Jesus fixed all this, ya know?
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Old 01-23-2018, 11:35 AM
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biminiblue,

Yes, mirror work is amazing! The phrase I've used was from an Alanon speaker suggested looking straight at the mirror, looking into our own eyes... and saying:

"(Name)

You are a precious child of God.

He knows you, He loves you, He cares for you.
And I do, too."

Transformations happen quickly, in many ways.... each and every day.
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Old 01-23-2018, 11:59 AM
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oh, yeah, I use my name too!
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Old 01-23-2018, 01:03 PM
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I am worthy...

Of goodness in my life, in all moments, in all ways.

I am worthy...

Of loving myself... all of me... past, present and future.

I am worthy...

Of loving myself... all of me... spiritual, physical and energetic.

I am worthy...

Of allowing GREATNESS in my life, in EVERY WAY POSSIBLE.

I am worthy....

Of enjoying this moment...

I am worthy...

Of enjoying this breath....

I am worthy....

Of connecting with others with joy, playfulness and exuberance....

I am worthy....

Of having time alone, spent with nature.

I am worthy....

Of all the GOOD this Universe has to offer.

I am worthy....

Of allowing a powerful, immense and radiant goodness into my life.

I allow new thoughts, actions and inspirations to lead my way.


Thank you, God.
Thank you, God.
Thank you, God.
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Old 01-23-2018, 01:47 PM
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Interestingly enough, I found apologizing to myself actually fed into my feelings of guilt and blame. I've had the most peace when I focus on loving myself - I think the forgiveness part is natural when you love yourself as much as you deserve.

I also remind myself regularly that without living through my experiences, I might never have gotten to where I am now, and I am so grateful for where I am now. So I am grateful for my experiences, even the bad ones.

Louise Hay has this affirmation I really like for this - "I bless the past with love and let it go."
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Old 01-23-2018, 05:53 PM
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Great suggestions here.
Forgiving myself is a form of self-compassion for me.

http://self-compassion.org/the-three...-compassion-2/

It's a process because its a new way of thinking- changing
the negative voice to one of understanding & compassion for
myself. It helps me to accept reality & grow, because I can trust
myself to be kind & take good care of me no matter what the truth is.
No matter how many mistakes I made, or how fearful, or lacking in
self awareness and courage I was/am. A real process for sure.
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Old 01-23-2018, 07:25 PM
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A spiritual mantra:

If I'd known better I would have done better
But since I didn't know better I couldn't do better
I bless and release myself to my higher power.

Or, pretend your best friend wrote a letter expressing your beliefs.

What would you write back to her?
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Old 01-24-2018, 07:47 AM
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Originally Posted by glenl View Post
Interestingly enough, I found apologizing to myself actually fed into my feelings of guilt and blame. I've had the most peace when I focus on loving myself - I think the forgiveness part is natural when you love yourself as much as you deserve.
I definitely agree with your post, but in this particular situation I DO owe myself an apology. That much was very, very clear to me after I examined it fully. I'm an Olympian level Self-Lover but this is about honoring the emotions as real instead of stuffing them, about managing things happening In The Right Now/recent events - not dredging up every single self-torturous memory.

BUT, I can see how doing so IS an act of self-love because in the past I put my self-forgiveness on the back burner in order to deal with the events in front of me.... this time I'm taking that "time-out" before it all simmers into resentment. Putting my feelings first.

Maybe that's exactly why it all bubbled up to the surface so fiercely.

All of these suggestions were great you guys, but this:

Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
Mirror work!!

I read a gem of a little spiritual book called "The Toltec Way" - a bit of an off-spin of the Four Agreements way of thinking...

So the exercise is this, do it daily:

Stand in front of a mirror. Look into your own eyes. Say, "I love you. I am sorry. Forgive me. Thank you."

It's really powerful!


The other thing is the Bible, but that can get controversial. Jesus fixed all this, ya know?
really struck a nerve for me because it brought tears to the surface before I ever finished reading it on my screen. I've followed the principals of the 4 Agreements for more years than I can remember.

If you've read my recent threads you know I've sort of found myself at a crossroads in my marriage & have been taking a lot of time & space to sift & sort & observe. Part of that for me this time has included a lot of outside work on our property, in ways I generally just haven't made priority before. A lot of hands-in-the-earth grounding. I've been seeing my spirit animals return to the land since starting this process (which, to be fair, has included all 3 of us in rotation & at times together, working at clearing, pruning, removing, etc.) - most notably, the Pileated Woodpecker, drumming out concerts in the back yard.

I/we started therapy & I had my first individual session on Monday after a FULL day of physically exhausting myself outside on Sunday. It added another layer of emotional exhaustion - that odd feeling of relief at what's been heard but the additional frustration of whatever comes bubbling up after/as a result of the session. I was certainly feeling overwhelmed & "off" by the time I hit the sack that night.

By the morning it had settled into a sudden, acute issue in my sinuses - the headache, post nasal drip, that gross infection feeling. I thought - how odd, I don't HAVE sinus issues, ever. Maybe 3x in my entire 40+ yrs? When I cross-check it on my emotional pain chart, I find that it relates to repressed anger/unshed tears. That revelation alone strikes a chord in my gut which led me to examine it more fully & ascertain that this is All About Me. I am mad at me & my body is relaying the message that I'm not receiving in any other way.

I did all the right things physically - got out my neti pot, upped my supplements, made sure to double up on black seed oil, Vit C & planned for an early bedtime.

Then I did the mirror work for my emotional side,
(sidenote: why is this SO HARD??!!! )
cried it out a bit then gave myself some time to chill with a comedy, meditated & turned in. I had a hard time getting comfy - thought I'd end up tossing turning & half-drowning in my own sinuses all night. I had that headache I only get from intense arguments or grieving.

I slept through most of the night & woke feeling SO much better. Unstuffed. Less Irritation. Less pressure.

I'm going to repeat the process today & keep purging. Thanks so much for ALL the suggestions, I'm sure I'll come back around to this in a few days if/when I'm ready to switch up tools.
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Old 01-24-2018, 08:21 AM
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I'm glad you are feeling better today!

GAH....forgiving myself and others. LOL - I want to beat myself up for NOT forgiving myself and others....that's how deep rooted this stuff in, isn't it?!

Simplifying it all into obvious truths / cliches helps me for some reason.

These things are true:

We are all human.
We all make mistakes - including me.
We all have personality flaws - including me.
No one is perfect, and who the hell knows what perfect is anyway?!
Life is so, SO short.
People do crappy things for a range of reasons.
I do crappy things for a range of reasons.
No amount of guilt or shame will change the past.
No amount of stress or anxiety will change the future.
I want to be happy.
Every day is a new day.

I HAVE to let go in order to move forward and wholly enjoy each day for what it will bring me. Easier said than done!
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Old 01-24-2018, 10:42 AM
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr View Post
A spiritual mantra:

If I'd known better I would have done better
But since I didn't know better I couldn't do better
I bless and release myself to my higher power.
NYC, I have seen this many, many times, but always w/the words "he/him/his" or "she/her" instead of "I/myself/my", for forgiving and letting go of someone else, NEVER for forgiving and releasing MYSELF! Holy cow, so simple and yet so powerful when directed at myself...

Thank you incredibly much.
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Old 01-24-2018, 11:29 AM
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When I started recovery I hated myself more than anyone else. Someone said, "if you want self-esteem you must take 'esteemable' actions" and this turned out to be true; just asking a newcomer how they were feeling helped a lot. Anything to get out of my own head. Then I read that people are happiest when doing service and I came to realize that as well. Helping people showed me I'm just an average human being, no better or worse than anyone else.
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Old 01-24-2018, 11:39 AM
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FS, I can completely understand this. There are many things in life I am still working at forgiveness with.

As part of my therapy journey, I did part of it with my minister. I never talked about how guilty I felt about things in my life that go way, way back, but he saw through it. He asked me if I really believe when I go to communion, and if I believe God forgives sins. I told him I do. He then told me that surely if God forgives everyone else, he forgives me as well, and that I deserve to forgive myself. Then he gave me communion, right there in his office, just us two.

It really did open my eyes and reinforce that I have to practice what I preach myself. Why is it if someone is truly sorry, I can forgive them in a heart beat. However, forgiving self is so much harder?

Anyways, I find that on my journey, it has gotten easier over time.

Sending you many big hugs friend!
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