spedteach

Hi-

Long story short, AH of 22 years drank when we first married, sober for 14, fell of the wagon for 1 year, was sober almost 3 full years and has been drinking again for about 2 months...I thought at the beginning of January he was ready for help when he reached out to his AA friends and therapist. But clearly he's not. He managed to hide it (or in his mind he thought he was hiding it because it was clear) for a couple of weeks before I said a word. My concern is his now mixing alcohol with Xanax. He thinks it's fine because he's on the lowest dose of Xanax you can take...right I know. Dumb... AND he's seeing a therapist. The therapist is an addiction expert and he is a recovered alcoholic himself...so if he's honest (that's on him) with the therapist..he will address this. The therapist is a good guy, doesn't play games and will tell him how it is.

I don't say much but when I do, he's sober and I try to make the focus him and his well being because anything about myself or our son suddenly becomes his latest excuse to drink...so I don't want to be giving him excuses.

Here's my issue...I KNOW I need to detach but right now, I want to punch him in the face..so can you PLEASE offer me some suggestions on how to detach when we are both at home together at the same time. I know it's pointless to be angry and that confronting him or saying anything to him is not worth it. Right now, there is no meeting nearby for me to go to and I want to flip out on him....So, if anyone has been in the same shoes, please tell me what you've done to regroup!!

Thanks in advance!

Hawkeye13

I physically remove myself from the same room if possible,
and I use ear plugs and divert myself with media such as reading or movies.

I go to bed early and if the person tries to engage me in "debate"
I divert by saying I have a lot to do tomorrow and am preparing, am tired,
don't care to discuss right now, etc.

It sounds like a heap of trouble is coming if he's mixing Xanax and booze.
You need to make a backup plan and figure out what you need for you
if he gets going on a downward spiral--very likely mixing his booze and pills.

So sorry you have to still deal with proximity--is therapy possible for you?
Pointless for you both as a couple while he is still using, but might give you some insight going on your own.

Choose an addiction specialist so they will know what you are dealing with.

AnvilheadII

.so I don't want to be giving him excuses.

i get that, but he'll find other excuses.....that's what they do. you CAN NOT MAKE HIM DRINK. if he chooses to have a hissy fit and act like a toddler, that is on HIM.

trying to manage insanity is like trying to round up the little balls of mercury from a broken glass thermometer.

try not to engage.....get to another room.......get deeply involved in laundry, hot shower, audiobook, late night gardening.

mylifeismine

Sponsors can be really helpful when you need to vent...
Screaming into a pillow, punching pillows, actually physically
releasing the anger (in private is best) can be very calming
and help to restore some sense of peace.

Sorry you are going through this, I understand how infuriating
it can be....

FireSprite

I won't repeat the great ideas above (many which I use regularly) but add that I also do a lot of yoga, meditation, reading, coloring mandalas. I listen to a lot of Abraham Hicks stuff on youtube.

I converted an extra room into a sanctuary for myself to go hide (he has his garage after all). I go through phases where I seek out new classes/lectures/etc - either new things completely or new versions of things I've done (like a new yoga class, I've taken many). I'm considering a gym membership again to widen my circle a bit. Most activities have served as stepping stones to others.

I have a standing Girl's Night with my friends on most weekends so that I have time AWAY from being a mom or in any kind of recovery-centric activity. A "place" where I can just be a woman for a while again.

I also make sure to stay up on my health - for me that's acupuncture, regular foot massages, exercise, good sleep, etc. I got really, really self-centered in my recovery a few years ago & haven't regretted a single bit of it.

NYCDoglvr

Alcoholics suck the air out of the room and make sure it's all about them. We codependents go along with it. Have you thought about Alanon? It was a life-saver for me and helped me get my life back.

ScaryTime

I found when my AH was actively drinking it didn’t matter if I talked to him when he was sober or drinking, the message didn’t get through. I am finding that even now - he is about 10 weeks alcohol free - the message doesn’t get through.
My advice is go to a different room. IF you have a treadmill get on it. I have a punching bag in the basement, and boxing gloves - works wonders...

atalose

He’s now added Xanax to the mix, it takes the body longer to detoxify itself after you take xanax with alcohol. So your attempts to talk with him when you think he’s sober is futile. If he’s not drunk then he’s high either way you are attempting to shine the nice easy light on his wellbeing with talk and he’s already checked out.

Have you thought about counseling for just you? Maybe finding an al-anon meeting a little ways from home would be a good way to detach for a while.