Jules714

Hi all,
Celebrated 7 months yesterday. Things are going really well in life. My problems are self made. Here it is:
I met a nice man a couple of years older (he's 42, im 40) he has 4 years sober.
Things were going really well, he was clearly very interested, had me meet his children, called vs texting daily. Job, car...and I started to develop feelings. So in my brilliance, I decided it would ve best to bring everything to a screeching halt and tell him we should just be friends.
I feel as if inevitably he will just break my heart.
I made a terrible mistake and it doesn't seem as though he's willing to try again. Hes sent a couple of texts snd I missed a phone call...its possible some time/distance will help...but I feel sick over what I brought onto myself! I've apologized and owned full responsibility for acting rashly out of fear.
In hindsight I've realised that I hurt & rejected him.and likely bruised his ego.
I also now realise that im going to be alone forever if I don't get over my fear of being hurt and take zero risks.
I feel like an utter moron for doing this. I found a really good egg and totally screwed it up bc I felt something. What is wrong with me?!
This feels terrible. Any advice or similar stories?
Thanks everyone!!
Have a great day.
Jules

Dee74

Hi Jules

I'm sorry for what happened and I know you must be beating yourself up but try not to think of this as your last chance cos I'm sure it's not.

Learning to trust and learning not to freak out when relationships start to become binding is a pretty big skill to learn.

Nothing set me off more than fear.

All my paranoia, my low self esteem, my self hatred my panicked clawing to get the hell away...all kicked into gear.

Luckily I met someone who understood this, was extraordinarily patient and who forgave me my freak outs and panic attacks.

She saw something in me.

Maybe there's an even better someone for you out there? who knows?

There's a lot you can learn from this tho - and I'm sure you are - it will stand you in good stead in your next relationship whether it's with this guy or someone else.

D

Gabe1980

Hey Jules. I'm sorry, you must feel really torn up at the moment. It is a bloody scary propostion to go into a new relationship sober. It sounds like you know what was going on for you and what you need to work on.

I'm terrible romantic and think that love has a way of winning through. This chap sounded really keen. It may be that a little time and wound licking may be enough for him to give it another go.

From my own experience, I would whole heartedly recommend counselling. I met my husband straight after coming out of a terrible relationship and I was drinking heavily. I was doing all kinds of bat-s*** crazy things, mainly trying to protect myself because I was so scared. He got that and stuck with me but made it clear I needed to work on it. It was hard unravelling all of that but we've been married for almost a decade now and slowly my emotional life has improved and my drinking has reduced. Maybe try and talk to him again, after a bit more time? If he's in recovery there's a good chance he'll get it. Gabe x

Nonsensical

Seems like you were afraid to take the risk of opening up to someone and now you feel horrible.

Looks to me like opening up to someone isn't so risky after all. I mean, if you're going to feel horrible for NOT doing it, you might as well do it.

Learning how to feel is hard, isn't it?

We can do this!

Culture

I have the same feelings about being on my own for the rest of my life.
But I am a firm believer in the saying "if it's for you it won't go past you". Maybe, it could be the right person just not the right time for you. I get the fear, I don't know whether I'm more scared to try or to be alone at the moment.
Go easier on yourself, we don't always get it right first time we try.

Midwest1981

I would stay focused on your sobriety and if it is meant to be he will reach out to you again.

He may realize you need more time and is giving it to you.

tomsteve

What is wrong with me?!
This feels terrible. Any advice or similar stories?

i think you, and others here, have answered the 'whats wrong with me?" part
advise- toss out the ass kiking machine- it aint helping. youre NOT a moron. youre just human.
you dont know if you hurt him and bruised his ego and even if that happened, he allowed it. IF he was hurt by what ya did and his ego is bruised, then that there is a sign that he may have a problem with self love himself. and if his ego was bruised, that seems like a wee bit of a problem with self importance.

yes, i ended a relationship i rather kiked myself for. i was already a few years into recovery and the most stable woman i had ever had a relationship with. no problems with drugs or alcohol, held the same great job for 20+ years, owned her own home, excellent mother, and an awesome sense of humor.plus a lot more great qualities( not a codie!) she had her poop inna group.
and i ended it for a few reasons. looking back today none of the reasons make sense.
but im ok with it.

give it time,jules. keep focused on you and might be wise to look at why the feelings brought on fear.
then solutions.

Jules714

Thanks all. Big hugs.
He seems pretty firm about taking a break and how I left a bad taste in his mouth and he's uncomfortable and it was like a glimpse into the future.
I told him I made a mistake.
If he wants to grab dinner, if not, I'm going to survive, basically. Im certainly not going to beg.
I'll give him some space. Sober me is rational. Left the ball in his court.
I know someone is out there for me, I think what scared me was that it was really good, very soon. Felt like we knew each other a long while.
Hoping his recovery and anxiety that we share will lead us back to something. He would be a stellar friend at least...but I'll let time be a tincture. Go to work, hit my meetings, come here...keep working on me. Perhaps a few sit ups, lol.
I really love you guys. So nice to be understood.
Be well my sweets.
Jules

Ken0331

Yeah, feelings, intimacy and vulnerability can be scary, huh?

Probably the same thing that's wrong with me. I have huge problems being vulnerable and intimate - and I don't mean sexually - with women. Always have, even before I drank at all, which didn't begin until my mid-20's.

I just put up this wall to protect myself, and I know over the course of my life I've done things to intentionally discourage interested girls from pursuing those interests.

Perhaps he realizes you are still new in your sobriety. The general counsel - both in AA and from my rehab therapist - was to wait a year before entering into a new romantic relationship. Now, I know people discard that advice all the time. See it often in the rooms of AA.

Sometimes it sticks, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it sticks and the hard work someone new in sobriety needs to do stops getting done b/c of all the "feel good" that romance and sex bouncing around the head tells them they're fine now. Probably the worst of all outcomes, b/c it delays the growth we need to do.

And there are still some good guys out there your age. He's not the only one. Patience.

Jules714

He did say that he thinks I'm not ready.
Maybe he's right. Maybe things will be different someday.
It's not hopeless for me...if I can get sober, I can do pretty much anything! LOL.
Gotta maintain that attitude, as I work eith the general public. Ha!
Have a good day all.
Thanks again,
J

Ken0331

Wow, that does sound like a good, mature guy with a healthy recovery.

Many guys just disregard all that stuff and jump at the chance to have a roll in the sac with someone still emotionally vulnerable. Like someone new in sobriety. Like you.

Things are already different. You are already different. What would you have done in the past over something like this? If I were a betting man, I'd say it would've had something to do with a bottle . . .

Jules714

I would have...but alcohol is not for me any longer. I have a solution; sobriety.
He is very well into his sobriety, very smart and articulate. Wonderful father. Very funny. And my goodness so tall (6'6", not easy to come by) and handsome. He wasn't at all pushy about sleeping with me. He didn't even kiss me until the 3rd date. I wouldn't stand for that kind of crap. Im smart and confident when sober. I really missed the old me! So glad I resurected her...shes amazing. Ill be more than ok.
All this is what scared me! He was entirely healthy. Freaked me out.
If it's meant to be, it will be.
I'm not freaking out anymore. Too much positivity going on. At worst? I learnt something...glass half full!
Have a good day everyone!
Thank you.
Jules