Willitend

Hi all,

My AH (pain pills) left the family home on NYE. I told him I couldn’t trust him and I can’t see how we go forward from this. (Been going on around 4 years) He got mad and threw his wedding ring at me. He remained under the influence for the first 2 weeks but states has now entered into a methadone program. (Still presents as drowsy) he says he is planning on going on naltrexone once off methadone. It has been like pulling teeth getting this information from him though. He is not forthcoming. Not wanting to talk about his plans etc.

I have had to see him to supervise him seeing kids. There is no way I will let him take them out alone at the minute.

Those first 2 weeks I felt everything whilst he numbed himself. Never even shed a tear when we sat the kids down. Now he just keeps saying sorry. Sorry for everything. He says I hope we can sort things out one day. I think his emotions are starting to come through, but he’s on methadone so that will depress them too.

But he isn’t doing anything! He doesn’t seem to understand that he has done this before and it didn’t work so why would it work this time? Why would I risk putting myself and kids through this again?

Im sick of being the one with suggestions like counselling NA and therapy. So I refuse to suggest anything. This has to come from him. But he won’t do anything. Just feel like he’s replaced one substance with another and then he’s waiting for this magic pill to sort his life out. I know substitute meds and blockers can be a great help to some but one day he will have to cope without them, then what?

I feel he’s abstinent rather than in recovery.

So hard not to tell him for us to stand a chance I need.....
But I know if I did that I would resent him anyway.

He has no idea how all this has effected me as every time I try to voice my feelings he verbally attacks me to shut me up - which generally works! He’s just not ready to hear it. And I think I’m past caring in trying to make him understand.

This is so hard. Am I being stupid to want more than a generic sorry? A plan? Should I let him know what I need from him or not?

Sorry this is rambled and thanks for reading.

So confused.

X

Spence7471

X

It is hard dealing with what you are. I was in a similar boat around before Christmas time. My wife is now in recovery, doing well, and then going on to a transitional living facility shortly.

My wife was denying the problem was significant and was refusing to get help. She was not so much abstinent, as i was well aware of her use.. just not how much (turns out it was significantly more than she led me to believe.. shame on me). I have found that an addict does not want to hear what they are doing is wrong/hurtful/etc. Those actions just drove my wife to use more as she used the drugs to escape her feelings. It was not until she entered recovery that she was able to hear me say how her actions hurt me and the family. She is actively working her recovery, and is very willing to not be that person she was; but addiction is a lifelong issue, and i am preparing for the worst by protecting me and my family from the destructive nature of the disease.

My suggestion to you is this... go seek some counseling/therapy for yourself.. .do not wait on him. You must move forward while he is standing still... otherwise he will take you down with him. He will eventually decide what he wants, and the best you can do for him is to be there when that happens and be in a strong place for yourself to guide him in making good decisions.

As for the generic sorry, that is just what it is. My wife has said sorry many times during her recovery... but I keep telling her that sorry is just a word... she must back that with actions to show that she is truly trying to make a change. Words from addicts are lies... never accept it without actions to support the words.

T

Eauchiche

So sorry for both you folks.
You should both be congratulated for not enabling your mates to stay home and use. Protecting your kids is your chief priority.

There have been people all through history who were "sorry." The only time "sorry" means anything is when it motivates that person to change.

Ann

I agree with Spence, the best thing you can do is to move forward with your own recovery from all this. Counseling and support meetings will help you find your balance and make good decisions with clarity, no matter how painful.

You are wise to supervise your children's visits, I'm not sure how old they are but they too may benefit from your own recovery in that there will be stability and safety in your home.

Your husband may take this as his cue to find real help, or he may continue his spiral down...we never know. But his actions, rather than his words, will tell you all you need to know. At this point, words and intentions mean nothing, actions tell all.

My prayers go out for all of you, this is a sad and difficult time.

Sephra

***He remained under the influence for the first 2 weeks but states has now entered into a methadone program.***
My stepson is on the methadone program. Unfortunately, it has not made an ounce of difference, other than he now obtains his drugs legally. He is no more functional now, then he was on "street drugs". The only change has been cutting down on legal trouble. My experience with it has not been what the family had hoped. Recovery looks like recovery.

Spence7471

Sephra,

While the results may not be what you hoped for, staying out of legal trouble is a positive outcome for now. Baby steps....

Now having said that, i know nothing of the situation, like how long he has been in the program, which may be part of the experience you are having so far. However, I will agree with you 100% that recovery looks like recovery... and anything else is just more lies, manipulation, and deceit/denial.

True recovery only comes when the addict wants it.... really wants it... otherwise it is not recovery.

T

hopeful4

You are definitely not stupid.

I have said it a million times over. It's actions, not words, over the course of a long period of time.

Big hugs!

Willitend

Thanks for responding.

That’s what’s missing the actions

Feel like I need to make him see, but also aware he will use it as an excuse to relapse/use. But if I don’t have my say I feel i will just have all this anger and resentment bubbling away.

I have started 1-1 therapy and I am finding it somewhat useful, don’t quite think my therapist understands what living with addiction is like though. I’m going to give it 6-8 sessions before I look to change.

Willitend

It’s the actions that are unfortunately missing. Saying sorry just isn’t enough

Willitend

Thats my worry! I know when he got take homes before he would double dose etc. And the methadone detox was way worse than any pill detox, much longer and harder. Just don’t get why knowing that he would choose methadone again. Unless it’s just to play act that he’s doing something.

Spence7471

Willitend,

I have done little to no therapy on this issue, except for the family therapy sessions that are being held at the rehab facility. You need to find someone that has been there, gone thru it. I find that people who have children dealing with addiction have similar, yet different, issues than those of us dealing with spouses. Make sure you try a recovery group like Al-Anon or Nar-Acon, you may get better help there than a therapist that does not understand the issue. i so far have not found Nar-Anan helpful, but I have only gone to a few.. and will go to a few more before making a decision as to whether it is helping me or not... I just might not be in the right place for it yet.

Please understand, that no matter what you do, you can not "make him see" his wrong or the hurt it is causing... at least while in active addiction... he will just distort the truth or deny it altogether. That is what my wife did. You must take control of your life... do what you can for you. If you are moving forward with your life, he will be left behind and either decide to catch up or fall behind. It is a hard decision. I ended up kicking my wife out of the house twice... second time is what it took her to "see" her problem as something that needed to be addressed professionally. She still denied and distorted the consequences of those actions, and it was not until we were in family therapy in the rehab facility that I was able to make her see the hurt and consequences of those actions. I do not sugar coat things when I am mad/hurt by someone, and I believe that those feelings need to be aimed at the person who deserves them. We have had some pretty rough family sessions... mostly rough for her... clarifying and liberating for me. As a result, I am moving beyond the anger and finding forgiveness. I am still hurt, but time is the only thing to help that for me.

If you need to let go of that anger and resentment, find a good friend to talk to, and work them out, or a therapist that will help with the anger issues. Start journaling.. I do that regularly... mostly in the form of letters to my wife... some get sent, some not... some are positive, some are not. Most of this would not be possible if she were not in rehab, so I am fortunate that she is in a safe place getting, and more importantly wanting, the help.

Maybe she will make it... maybe we will make it... but either way... I WILL MAKE IT!

T

atalose

No, wanting a genuine apology from someone who has hurt you and caused you pain is not stupid. But wanting a genuine real apology from an addict not in active recovery is setting your expectations high.

Apologies don’t mean anything if they keep doing what they are sorry for.
And sometimes sorry is just not enough. Sometimes they actually have to change.