utopia

an alanoner once told me fear was an acronym for
F alse
E vidence
A ppearing
R eal

and ive really been in a new place, i think that its happiness and peace of mind? im terrified at the moment of the upcoming future because it appears to be looking good. my studies are falling into place. lovewise im not seeking an obsessive infatuatory love like i have my whole life! im just fine, i have times when i would like a lover but it feels more of the natural human desire not that starved craving to be loved. i just feel like whatever will be will be and i really belive it this time, the little voice inside isnt saying anything to contradict it!!

in the past experiences, times like this were always the calm before the storm, and i somewhat feel a cloud of impending doom or that something big is gonna happen. Surprises in the past were always like, oh my dads raping me, oh my mums being beaten, oh my sisters leaving home, oh im going to hospital, oh so you dont love me, oh so youve been bitching about me. it became common protocol to expect things to be a bad bad surprise and i became quite paranoid. are you talking about me!!!??

few nights back i had the return of that aching soreness in my heart and usually ive affixed it to something in my life, dramatised it so i had a reason for feeling like shite but now i didnt, i rode it out for a few days of hell and its starting to fade. THIS is phenomenal for me and im scared

willit get easier, where does this lead, im following gos guidance i think but its very strange and ... calm?! how crazy is it that im terrified of being big and joyous, maybe im afraid of being isolated from alanoners cos they always have problems but the alcos in my life, namely my father arent there anymore but the effects remain. i fear of being resented for my happiness the way i used to resent people for theirs. still care what people think after all to some degree?? hmm, in wonder...
toby

journeygal

Hi Toby,

I understand the fear of being happy. It's an unknown, something you've never experienced before, and the unknown is often frightening. As for being isolated from miserable people, lol, that shouldn't be a concern. The people who truly love and care for you want you to be happy and will rejoice in your happiness. The ones who are jealous and decide to turn their backs on you, well, you don't need those people in your life anyway.

Don't be afraid of being happy. You've had enough pain and misery in your life. Don't you deserve a bit of happiness for a change?

Hugs,
JG

chess

I can relate to what you're saying 'cos I went through that too. Just try and enjoy the calm if you can. I'm at the next stage of that which is experiencing the boredom and frustration since I'm not able to blame anyone else for my stuff anymore and I quess I'm now missing the rollercoasters???? I'm still so clueless over so many things that now I'm just trying to beat that feeling that wants me to give up and just hide.

So please keep sharing how your story unfolds. Maybe we can figure this thing out.

Chess

JT

toby,

Watch out! At least for me, I am totally and relentlessly capable of self-sabotage when things get too calm. I have to consciously make myself appreciate the quiet. I am a restless individual and I thrive on change. I have to keep my focus on the positive or I can easily create the negative that I became accustom to.

Hugs,
JT

Brenshay

I understand a lot of what you're saying and can relate. I have spent my whole life waiting for the "other shoe to drop." I can't just let myself be happy and content. I believe it's because as an ACOA the other shoe always DID drop in my family growing up.

I have also felt that I was going to be resented for being happy, but I felt that coming from my parents. I remember talking on the phone with my mom once as an adult and saying that I was fine. She said, "You're ALWAYS fine, aren't you?" in a really mean way as if she really resented it.

But we deserve our happiness. It has been hard fought and won. So, even though it's hard, enjoy your good times. There is a wonderful post that I think is in the poetry or inspirational section (I'm new, so I don't know what everything is called). Anyway, the post is called "The Awakening," and I think it has changed my life. I printed it out and keep it by my computer while I'm working so that I can read it every morning to start my day. I think it relates to a lot of us ACOA and other people who are struggling. See if you can find it (if you haven't already).

Best wishes to you. :heart:

utopia

well hi hi hi

yes, thanks for replies well its funny cos iwas actually invited to two places tonite but instead im at home wallowing. well i didt want to go dancing or to a dull engagement partyugh, i jut dont feel its what i want. sometimes the craving for love hits me in the face. its like ejoyment is empty, so hard to connect to others i feel the are so immature and shallow, i could talkto people 50 years older then my friends and have more mentally stimulating conversations.

sigh, i know things change but blerghljfdggj

theres no quickfix to prop up the mundande and boring sapping staleness of life at the moment, need time still

utopia

hmmm, hi
well yes i am quite frustrated and angst. ive taken off the rose-coloured glasses which made me see anything as an obsessive infatuation but that tragic romance novel i was living just doesnt exist. im in reality land. its not so much dull more so its just bewildering. and i think theres no going back for me now

behind me the trees have overgrown that path from the lands of loneliness and delusions of grandeur that were so unrealistic they had to come crashing down and now that clouds of that collapse is over .
now i know whats behind me and i know i can t go back, not in any wy, and i cant dig up any of those old protective feelings and surivival skills which didnt really help me in the later years of adolescence. but what lies before me?
its terryfying, i should be excited, i should be hopeful, but ifeel tired and wary.
my lifes before me
and i m living its highs and lows but i dont know if this supposed normality of no drama , no danger is really that satisfying?

utopia

hi all

just posting that today i feel fantastic!! i went out yesterday and there was a really cute guy with me and my friends and whenever theres someone who could be a possible lover i obsess over why they dont like me and i long to be with them in a relationship, crazy,, that LONGINg is gone and for the first time i feel complete, i feel solid i feel so calm, i feel independent i feel ok

enjoying this and the wariness of bliss, the fear is becoming the feeling of Spiritual REfreshment

amen
peace all
toby

utopia

thought id put one last entry in here. not that this is the end of my story as there is no ending and i realise my life is not amovie, noone gets to see the glory of my misery but sadness and happiness are twins. they are like the sea and the sky, fire and water. we need both, we will always have both. the depths of my sorrow that have carved into my inner core harsh and painful scars and allowed me to fly just as high in the opposite direction, the sadness makes me realise when im happy,

there is no point when ive completed my journey or reached the state of this complete bliss but rather i have mnade the choice to live bliss.

to be serene in my misery by knowing that it is natural, that god will take me out of it like every other time, to accept if i feel like **** and that it too shall pass

to cherish my happiness, to know that if i was happy all the time i wouldnt even realise i was happy. to enjoy the moment and not deny my true feelings

i am focusing on my truths and expressing always how i really feel. constantly learning, my appreciation and conception of god has widened and embodies all people places and things. there is blood flowing in my veins, the same sun and stars still shine as bright, the birds will always sing with or without me but i can take comfort in them. i can accept i am like everyone else
i am unique but the same as all humanity
i can no longer be afraid of bliss, of myself, of love, of fear itself
im no longer afraid

amen and peace to all
toby