Ariesagain

I never really know where to post stuff...

Background: this is day 752.

Yesterday my father entered hospice care after a week in the hospital. He lives quite far from me and I was just there at Christmas. My mother says not to make another trip just yet and I’m not going to lie, I’m relieved. It was brutally painful three weeks ago to see how much he has deteriorated.

They don’t know if it’s days or weeks. But he’s dying.

My father was my qualifier in codependency. He was an uber-controlling, autocratic, domineering rageaholic...I never knew if he would be in a silent rage (where we all got to dance around trying to guess why) or a screaming rage. Or he could be charming and delightful...everyone LOVES him.

I also know, intellectually, that his problems stem from childhood trauma and a complete inability to self-assess. So there were reasons. But the reality of being scared every time he pulled in the drive or walked into my room...do reasons even matter?

My mother was and is a world champion denier. We are the happiest family and we are sooo lucky and he only says all those nasty, critical things because he LOVES you and that’s how he shows he’s worried.

I hate him. I love him. I am scared ******** of the phone call because I don’t know how to resolve those two realities. His critical, haranguing voice in my head has been there for going on six decades.

I’m terrified my family will insist on a memorial service and as the oldest, I would have to give the eulogy. How do I do that? How do I stand there and tell only part of the story and not break down? I am a crappy liar at the best of times.

I will not drink. But I am too sick to eat much. My husband had to go out of town on business.

I know there’s not much to be said. But I needed to say this somewhere safe.

Thank you.

tekink

My dad is a ***** to but he's still alive. My mom passed a long time ago so I know what hospice and all that is like.

Stay strong, the drink won't do anything as I'm sure you've learned.

I don't know what I'm going to do when my dad passes, I remember when he told me he had to divorce my mom because she put on too much weight and he gave her the ultimatum and she couldn't please him. She weighed around 165.

biminiblue

My mother was at best a very difficult woman for me to be in relationship with. She was also (alternately) sweet and loving. I just did whatever I could to not spend time alone with her.

When she died my first emotion was shock, but then it was relief. It is what it is, and whatever you feel about it, it's valid. In the years since, I still have anger as a first emotion when I think too much about it. I forgave her, but - ya know - it doesn't stay all roses and unicorns no matter how many times I forgive. I have to remind myself that I've forgiven and that I have to accept everything the way it worked out. It's just an ongoing thing, and my mother died 15 years ago.

You don't have to say anything at all at a funeral, and I wouldn't have - for pretty much the same reasons as you've verbalized.

We didn't have a funeral for her. That was fine.

Ghoster18

Identification is strong with your story.
But my father died when I was 20 in 1986.
He was brutal unpredictable funny and kind!
Don't know what else to say.
Apart from I have empathy and I wish you all the best!
I'm on day 11 and I feel inspired by your day count and your courage!
G
Your stronger than you think!

JJ991

I'm sorry for what you're going through.

Do you really have to do the eulogy? Can't you say no? I don't really know what is expected, it was never a question in our family, none of us spoke at my dad's funeral, it was too painful.

AnvilheadII

just big hugs........try not to get too far ahead of yourself. and remember, you can say NO, even to your family. just for today, what s the best thing you can do to assure day 753?

Bird615

I hear you. Both my parents are dead now, and we didn't have the best relationships either. I remember hiding from my dad whenever he came home late from work, the pretending we were all a happy family--all that stuff that comes with family dysfunction.

What I've learned it that it's okay to have all those conflicting emotions, nothing has to be either/or, it really can be both at the same time.

Honour how you're feeling, it's all okay and will be okay and you really don't have to do anything that your heart says no to.

sugarbear1

Here's the thing, you stay sober. Write what you might say. Set it down and return to it tomorrow and edit it. I lost both my parents in 2016, different ailments, 13 weeks apart.

You will get through this.

6 years into sobriety, a friend reintroduced me to Adult Children of Disfunctional Families (the old ACA meetings). There is a book now.....

I had to seperate my parent(s) from the behavior. My parents did the best they could with how they learned......

Congrats on the 752 days!!!!

With love and hugs and understanding,
~SB

doggonecarl

First off, you don't have to do anything you don't want to. There is no rule for who gives the eulogy. But if you do decide to give one, read them the four paragraphs that preceded the sentences I quoted.

tomsteve

I’m terrified my family will insist on a memorial service and as the oldest, I would have to give the eulogy. How do I do that? How do I stand there and tell only part of the story and not break down? I am a crappy liar at the best of times

this has to be pretty mentally and emotionally rough on ya. however, it might be wise to get back into today- stop future tripping.
as a couple have mentioned, nowhere is it written in stone the oldest has to do a eulogy and "NO" is a complete sentence.

im not sure if this would be appropiate, but IF i was in your shoes and my family wanted me to give the eulogy, i think i would say something to similar to," this is a hard time for all. however, i cant get up in front of a group of people and lie. i dont think you nor anyone else would want me to say the truth, so it would be wise to get someone else to speak."

AnvilheadII

our priest gave the eulogy for my mom's funeral....he had never met her, but we talked and i regaled all the best tales of Barbara Anne that i could remember. it wasn't for ME to share only my darker memories....this was about ALL those who knew her and loved her and had their own memories. Father Kevin did an amazing job, you would have thought they had been bosom buddies for years!!!!

plus i was a mess. my husband (at the time) read one of the readings for the mass, as again, i simply could not. he also draped the Irish Flag over her coffin.

i don't know if that helps, your story just brought it back to memory.

Anna

Aries, I'm very sorry for your situation. I know that you can get through this tough time and not give up your 752 days.

My family situation was very similar to yours, but it was my mother who was the bully and my father was the enabler. Please allow yourself to feel your feelings and accept that they are okay. I did not speak at either of my parent's services because I didn't want to. I had been through a lifetime of doing/saying what I 'should' and 'must', and I finally decided I could do what was right for me.

Dee74

I'm sorry this is such a difficult time for you aries,

Try not and leap ahead too much - you sound like you're overwhelming yourself with what ifs right now.

All you can do is your best, and that includes staying sober - all any of us can do is get through the day - like I say, it need not always be graceful

D