He says he's sober: should I re-engage?
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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He says he's sober: should I re-engage?
Thank you in advance for any insight...Last month I ended an engagement to my fiancé after a 4 year relationship. He is a functioning alcoholic (my diagnosis) who goes to work everyday but drinks every night. His drinking behavior is combative, verbally abusive, and jealous.
After a few weeks, he reached out to tell me he read a transformative (his words) book about recovery and he is sober for good. He speaks in absolutes. He classifies himself as someone with a drinking problem and NOT an alcoholic. Therefore, he is resistant to AA. In his mind, he has figured things out on his own and is fully convinced, after 4 weeks, that his decades of drinking (55 years old) are over.
Now, he wants to spend time together again. I remain skeptical. If getting sober is so easy he would have done it 4 years ago, or any of the times during our relationship when I begged him to stop drinking. Instead, he would hide alcohol, lie about being drunk, etc. I was constantly anxious and always surveying his behavior. It was exhausting. I also have teenagers at home who like him as a person but don't want to be around his drinking. I will never expose them to that behavior again. He has a very compulsive personality and 3 adult children who also have substance issues. I ended our engagement bc I felt like he could not stay sober long term.
Here's my question: at what point would someone in my situation re-engage? Another month? Six months? A year? Never? When he is sober he is thoughtful, affectionate and a treat to be around. I just know I can't handle his drinking any more. And advice would be so appreciated.
After a few weeks, he reached out to tell me he read a transformative (his words) book about recovery and he is sober for good. He speaks in absolutes. He classifies himself as someone with a drinking problem and NOT an alcoholic. Therefore, he is resistant to AA. In his mind, he has figured things out on his own and is fully convinced, after 4 weeks, that his decades of drinking (55 years old) are over.
Now, he wants to spend time together again. I remain skeptical. If getting sober is so easy he would have done it 4 years ago, or any of the times during our relationship when I begged him to stop drinking. Instead, he would hide alcohol, lie about being drunk, etc. I was constantly anxious and always surveying his behavior. It was exhausting. I also have teenagers at home who like him as a person but don't want to be around his drinking. I will never expose them to that behavior again. He has a very compulsive personality and 3 adult children who also have substance issues. I ended our engagement bc I felt like he could not stay sober long term.
Here's my question: at what point would someone in my situation re-engage? Another month? Six months? A year? Never? When he is sober he is thoughtful, affectionate and a treat to be around. I just know I can't handle his drinking any more. And advice would be so appreciated.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Hi Miller. Welcome to Soberrecovery.
My qualifier also swore up and down that he was done. I absolutely believed he wanted to be done but also didn't believe it was that easy. I left him and he eventually spiraled down.
Generally, it is recommended to give it a year. It is possible that this will work for him but highly unlikely.
Have you tried Alanon for yourself? Also the book Codependent No More is a bit of a bible around here. You might give it a try.
My qualifier also swore up and down that he was done. I absolutely believed he wanted to be done but also didn't believe it was that easy. I left him and he eventually spiraled down.
Generally, it is recommended to give it a year. It is possible that this will work for him but highly unlikely.
Have you tried Alanon for yourself? Also the book Codependent No More is a bit of a bible around here. You might give it a try.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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I think a year would tell you how committed and serious he is.
But I also think that if you can spend that year taking care of yourself, building your own interests, relationships, and hobbies outside of a relationship with him or anyone else, it will give you some perspective on your life and your relationships that will help you make the best decisions for your well-being.
But I also think that if you can spend that year taking care of yourself, building your own interests, relationships, and hobbies outside of a relationship with him or anyone else, it will give you some perspective on your life and your relationships that will help you make the best decisions for your well-being.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 223
Welcome. My ex told me years ago he was “sober” too. I divorced him and as of today he’s lost his marriage, two beautiful children and his health due to drinking. He is not even 40 and has a pacemaker...but still putting down cases after case of beer. I think your fiancé is simply trying to pull you back in. I think most of us here have had years of “I’m sober, I swear...” when crap hit the fan (like breaking off a relationship). Keep coming back and posting please!!! But realize he’s “quacking”...
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
His drinking behavior is combative, verbally abusive, and jealous.
You asked when (if ever) you should go back? I've left a couple guys like this so my vote is for "Never."
This is a personality thing and it's not going to go away magically at age 55. This is who he is and how he feels he is entitled to act toward a woman.
No, just no. It will get worse if you marry him. I hope you'll be able to find some therapy for yourself so that if you decide to re-engage you'll have a safe sounding board for when he starts up with his controlling insecurity again. I mean, you're calling it "drinking behavior" but he's he's drinking every night so how can you separate the two? This is who he is.
They say when someone shows you who they are - believe them.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 223
^^^ yes. Absolutely. That was one of the hardest things for me to understand and accept. He had showed me who he was for years-abusive angry and controlling. It took me too long to rectify in my mind....please realize that alcohol doesn’t make him that way-that’s just HIM.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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Alcoholics don’t like change, he had you in his life for 4 years while he drank and was combative, verbally abusive and jealous, you remained and agreed to marry him despite his behaviors and how those behaviors made you feel. Then you changed things by ending it, which was healthy on your part and healthy for your children so now he is trying to get things to “change back”. He’s using “words” to entice you but deep down you already know the truth. He can’t get sober on his own after reading a book, otherwise he wouldn’t have drank for decades or continued drinking when it caused you anxiety and unhappiness during those 4 years.
This is the time where “we” make every effort to believe that we can fit the square peg into the round hole of our magical thinking of a wonderful life with them because NOW they SAY they stopped drinking. If we believe them, we can ease our pain of losing a relationship and potential future with them.
Reality VS magical thinking………Stick to the facts you know today not what you wish for.
Tell him you won’t re-engage with him for at least a year and watch his reaction.
Often we become as addicted to them and the relationship as they have to the alcohol. Seriously tell yourself that you won’t re-engage with him for at least a year, no contact at all and watch your own reaction.
This is the time where “we” make every effort to believe that we can fit the square peg into the round hole of our magical thinking of a wonderful life with them because NOW they SAY they stopped drinking. If we believe them, we can ease our pain of losing a relationship and potential future with them.
Reality VS magical thinking………Stick to the facts you know today not what you wish for.
Tell him you won’t re-engage with him for at least a year and watch his reaction.
Often we become as addicted to them and the relationship as they have to the alcohol. Seriously tell yourself that you won’t re-engage with him for at least a year, no contact at all and watch your own reaction.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Miller......I am giving you the following link to an article in our extensive library....I think it is a useful yardstick.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
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"If getting sober is so easy he would have done it 4 years ago, or any of the times during our relationship when I begged him to stop drinking. Instead, he would hide alcohol, lie about being drunk, etc."
I would be skeptical. I would also give it 12 months of full-time sobriety... but then you can never be sure if it will stick.
"His drinking behavior is combative, verbally abusive, and jealous."
This is not "drinking behavior". Drink just makes the drinker uninhibited. So this is the real him if he's not controlling himself. He's abusive if he's not controlling himself. Too risky.
"I also have teenagers at home who like him as a person but don't want to be around his drinking. I will never expose them to that behavior again."
So don't reengage. Too risky. Sure, he's nice when he's sober but you're likely to get a Jekyll and Hyde situation -- like my ex.
" He has a very compulsive personality and 3 adult children who also have substance issues. I ended our engagement bc I felt like he could not stay sober long term."
Don't doubt yourself. If he has a compulsive personality and his offspring have substance abuse issues, do you really want to make these people your family?
Agree Codependent No More and also Alanon... but I think you already know what you want... ? I would not reengage. If someone has been abusing drugs/alcohol for as long as he has been, for me, it's too risky to be in a relationship with them.
I would be skeptical. I would also give it 12 months of full-time sobriety... but then you can never be sure if it will stick.
"His drinking behavior is combative, verbally abusive, and jealous."
This is not "drinking behavior". Drink just makes the drinker uninhibited. So this is the real him if he's not controlling himself. He's abusive if he's not controlling himself. Too risky.
"I also have teenagers at home who like him as a person but don't want to be around his drinking. I will never expose them to that behavior again."
So don't reengage. Too risky. Sure, he's nice when he's sober but you're likely to get a Jekyll and Hyde situation -- like my ex.
" He has a very compulsive personality and 3 adult children who also have substance issues. I ended our engagement bc I felt like he could not stay sober long term."
Don't doubt yourself. If he has a compulsive personality and his offspring have substance abuse issues, do you really want to make these people your family?
Agree Codependent No More and also Alanon... but I think you already know what you want... ? I would not reengage. If someone has been abusing drugs/alcohol for as long as he has been, for me, it's too risky to be in a relationship with them.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
I try to avoid threads and questions like these because I don't want to come off as harsh when someone is obviously in pain. But likewise, I would hate to see anyone waste anymore time on what you have described.
First inclination - do not marry
Second - run, run, run.
I'm sorry if that is harsh. Write down what you want from a partner and what you don't. Then work in yourself so you will "attract" or should I say not seek out these types of relationships (and no. That is not blaming you for his actions).
I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through.
First inclination - do not marry
Second - run, run, run.
I'm sorry if that is harsh. Write down what you want from a partner and what you don't. Then work in yourself so you will "attract" or should I say not seek out these types of relationships (and no. That is not blaming you for his actions).
I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you re-engage when and if YOU want to......not at his whim.
a month sober is a milestone......but just a beginning. in a month the body has had a chance to finish processing all the leftover alcohol residuals, and begin to be able to function WITHOUT alcohol. the brain has also had a brief respite but thoughts are still not ordered and stable. as the synapses "dry out" they can begin firing randomly and chaotically. imagine being underwater a bit too long and fighting to the surface, as you flail and gasp for air.
he is still very close to his LAST drink.
give time time. give yourself TIME. think of what is best for YOU first.
a month sober is a milestone......but just a beginning. in a month the body has had a chance to finish processing all the leftover alcohol residuals, and begin to be able to function WITHOUT alcohol. the brain has also had a brief respite but thoughts are still not ordered and stable. as the synapses "dry out" they can begin firing randomly and chaotically. imagine being underwater a bit too long and fighting to the surface, as you flail and gasp for air.
he is still very close to his LAST drink.
give time time. give yourself TIME. think of what is best for YOU first.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 3
Thank you so much for all of the responses. After reading what everyone had to say, my takeaway is long-term recovery is close to impossible. Has anyone had a successful experience where their partner recovered and they had a healthy relationship?
Thankfully, my ex respects my wishes for no contact. I will take as much time as I need to recover from this roller-coaster relationship myself. Only then will I be able to make a decision about what I want moving forward. I still think his ability to own his sobriety forever will be too great a challenge. If I give him a long period of time (6mo-yr) of no contact, I will have a better idea as to whether he chose to get sober for himself only. He might lose interest in sobriety after a few months.
I'm grateful to have found a place where others understand this situation...thank you again everyone.
Thankfully, my ex respects my wishes for no contact. I will take as much time as I need to recover from this roller-coaster relationship myself. Only then will I be able to make a decision about what I want moving forward. I still think his ability to own his sobriety forever will be too great a challenge. If I give him a long period of time (6mo-yr) of no contact, I will have a better idea as to whether he chose to get sober for himself only. He might lose interest in sobriety after a few months.
I'm grateful to have found a place where others understand this situation...thank you again everyone.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Long term recovery is possible but they have to want it and be willing to put in a lot of hard work. He does not sound like he is wiling to work it and it still in denial about being an alcoholic and needing help in order to get healthy. Reading a book is not going to help. Quitting drinking is often easy but only for a limited period because without help they will for sure start drinking again at some point. Also a dry drunk is just as bad as an active drunk. They need intense therapy and AA in order to change their behaviors after they no longer have alcohol as a coping mechanism. You have no kids with the man. Don't waste your time on him. That's harsh but it will save you a lot of heartache in the future. If gets clean and has been sober for at least a year (and with treatment ) and you run I to each other and decide to give it another try maybe....but I would live your life and consider it done.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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One thing I would suggest - it's something I have thought about quite a bit, and have made my own decision. Would I want to live a life with someone in recovery? What would that look like and what would the struggles be for me? Is that the life I want for me?
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Only you can decide if you should reengage. Sobriety is great but it takes so much more work . There will be pain and hardships along the way. Being that he is abusive he will be abusive even when sober. If your skeptical it's your intuition saying to not reengage. Listen to your voice. Trust yourself more than you hope for him. He could be nice only during courtship. Only you can decide if it is worth it or theirs too much damage risk to your health and happiness and it's best to walk away.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
My experience is if recovery "takes" for both parties both end up being completely different people (different temperments (sp), different emotions, different values even, etc) , most times this doesn't lead to re-engagement...but you never know. Either way I would wait at least 2 years if it were me (and for me I still would move forward not back but that's me)- my XRAH relapsed at both a year and two years.....and now has another 2 years.....relapse can come out of the blue for any reason.
And I agree with whomever said alcohol can't make a person abusive, loud, irresponsible or whatever - my XRAH was irresponsible then and is still irresponsible now...the difference is the degree...he manages it slightly better now.
And I agree with whomever said alcohol can't make a person abusive, loud, irresponsible or whatever - my XRAH was irresponsible then and is still irresponsible now...the difference is the degree...he manages it slightly better now.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
Originally Posted by Miller4 
Here's my question: at what point would someone in my situation re-engage? Another month? Six months? A year? Never? When he is sober he is thoughtful, affectionate and a treat to be around. I just know I can't handle his drinking any more. And advice would be so appreciated.
It's important for both alcoholic and the partner of the alcoholic to address their own issues which takes time. I think after you've done that and if you both still want to be with one another then you can do what is best for you.
If it was me, I'd keep moving forward.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
I wanted to add my 2 cents to "long term recovery"...
My wife was sober for 9 years, when the disease once again claimed her. She was active for about 18 months, progressively getting worse as time went on... she is now in recovery, working hard towards being clean and wanting to stay that way. However, I recognize that a relapse in the future is likely, whether it be 6 months or 60 months. Sobriety is work... lots of work... and must be worked by all parties involved to ensure that it remains.
My take is that I have had to ask myself if I am willing to be with someone that will likely relapse in the future... it is not so much a question of if, but rather when. I have told my wife that if I get even a few good years with her before something like this happens again, it will be worth it... and the fact that i have upped her life insurance policy amount.... (just kidding)!
T
My wife was sober for 9 years, when the disease once again claimed her. She was active for about 18 months, progressively getting worse as time went on... she is now in recovery, working hard towards being clean and wanting to stay that way. However, I recognize that a relapse in the future is likely, whether it be 6 months or 60 months. Sobriety is work... lots of work... and must be worked by all parties involved to ensure that it remains.
My take is that I have had to ask myself if I am willing to be with someone that will likely relapse in the future... it is not so much a question of if, but rather when. I have told my wife that if I get even a few good years with her before something like this happens again, it will be worth it... and the fact that i have upped her life insurance policy amount.... (just kidding)!
T
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
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How do you know he's not drinking? How does he know he'll never drink again. I've never heard anyone in recovery claim he/she won't drink again. We're sober today, that's all we have.
If he can't admit he's an alcoholic and get in a program he won't stop drinking.
Denial and rationalization are major psychological factors addicts/alcoholics have to deal with. Also codependents.
If he can't admit he's an alcoholic and get in a program he won't stop drinking.
Denial and rationalization are major psychological factors addicts/alcoholics have to deal with. Also codependents.
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