i think my dad is drinking again
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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i think my dad is drinking again
my dad has been abusing alcohol for most of my life, and it spiraled out of control from 2012-2016 where it had a huge strain on my parents’ marriage and it finally landed him in the hospital because he was so intoxicated that he couldn’t stand up. it was traumatizing for my mother and i, as he was very close to death and then it would just be my mom and i alone. when he came back from the hospital she made him either go to AA or see a therapist, and he chose the therapist. so technically he hadn’t gone through any programs specifically to recover from alcoholism.
he did seem to be getting better though, and he even volunteered to go to physical therapy to get his body strength back. my mom was so proud of him. but recently, he’s been acting really off and dazed and hazy. i came home from school the other day and he said “good morning” to me in a slightly slurred voice and then asked if i slept well. i played it off like it was nothing and didn’t tell my mom because i was scared and didn’t want to jump to conclusions.
but just tonight, my parents were arguing and i guess the way he was behaving seemed off to her and she started asking him if he was drinking today. my mom (and i) believe he’s been sober since he came back from the hospital last year. and it hurt my mom so much i know if it’s happening again now she will not hesitate to threaten divorce or take some kind of break if he does not agree to get help.
i don’t know if i should tell my mom about my recent past experiences of seeing my dad acting “off” because i don’t want to be the one to push everything over the edge and make my mom have an emotional breakdown and kick my dad out. and i don’t want her to know i’ve been suspecting that he may have started drinking again for a while but just hadn’t told her earlier. i want my dad to get better but he’s so angry and stubborn all the time i know he won’t wanna get help, but then he won’t be allowed to live with us anymore and i don’t want that. i’m really stuck, i will have to “betray” one of my parents either way and i love them both equally and don’t want to hurt them or see them split up. i’m so scared.
he did seem to be getting better though, and he even volunteered to go to physical therapy to get his body strength back. my mom was so proud of him. but recently, he’s been acting really off and dazed and hazy. i came home from school the other day and he said “good morning” to me in a slightly slurred voice and then asked if i slept well. i played it off like it was nothing and didn’t tell my mom because i was scared and didn’t want to jump to conclusions.
but just tonight, my parents were arguing and i guess the way he was behaving seemed off to her and she started asking him if he was drinking today. my mom (and i) believe he’s been sober since he came back from the hospital last year. and it hurt my mom so much i know if it’s happening again now she will not hesitate to threaten divorce or take some kind of break if he does not agree to get help.
i don’t know if i should tell my mom about my recent past experiences of seeing my dad acting “off” because i don’t want to be the one to push everything over the edge and make my mom have an emotional breakdown and kick my dad out. and i don’t want her to know i’ve been suspecting that he may have started drinking again for a while but just hadn’t told her earlier. i want my dad to get better but he’s so angry and stubborn all the time i know he won’t wanna get help, but then he won’t be allowed to live with us anymore and i don’t want that. i’m really stuck, i will have to “betray” one of my parents either way and i love them both equally and don’t want to hurt them or see them split up. i’m so scared.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
hi ntn, you're taking a lot onto your shoulders, which is natural but not good for your peace of mind.
Your mum will work out that he's drinking again by herself. Sounds like she already has. She will be upset of course but she's also probably prepared herself for this possibility and won't have an emotional breakdown.
As for telling her what you've seen; it may reinforce what she already knows but probably her thinking is there anyway. If it's weighing on you then tell her. If you have a good relationship, tell her you're feeling anxious.
Remember your AD is an adult and he's making some choices here. He knows what's at stake, but alcoholics are good at thinking they'll get one more chance. Eventually their luck runs out. If your Mum does ask him to leave it may be just what he needs to take it seriously.
What support do you have? Are their counsellors at your school or someone you can confide in? It's hard to carry all this on your shoulders, and they will help you see it's not about you or your actions. It will play out without you.
Your mum will work out that he's drinking again by herself. Sounds like she already has. She will be upset of course but she's also probably prepared herself for this possibility and won't have an emotional breakdown.
As for telling her what you've seen; it may reinforce what she already knows but probably her thinking is there anyway. If it's weighing on you then tell her. If you have a good relationship, tell her you're feeling anxious.
Remember your AD is an adult and he's making some choices here. He knows what's at stake, but alcoholics are good at thinking they'll get one more chance. Eventually their luck runs out. If your Mum does ask him to leave it may be just what he needs to take it seriously.
What support do you have? Are their counsellors at your school or someone you can confide in? It's hard to carry all this on your shoulders, and they will help you see it's not about you or your actions. It will play out without you.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Wow, you have a lot on your plate. Im not sure what to tell you to do, so I will just think out loud here. You wont be the one to push your mom over the edge and kick your dad out. Your mom being saying the words "move out", but its really your dad who is pushing things over the edge. I know its not what you want, you can tell you love your dad very much. Making him leave will wake him up like nothing else. Go through all the posts of people in recovery and see what made them stop. The vast majority will say it was someone they loved giving them the choice to get sober or leave. Your dad leaving will most likely save his life! It will be torture for you and your mom to say the least. As for being worried about your mom being mad at you because you didn't tell her you suspected your dad was drinking.....I bet she will understand. You have a LOT of pressure on you right now, and I am sure she will understand how torn you were between telling her, and not wanting to get your dad into trouble. Come back and tell us how you are doing please. Hugs to you.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
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i don’t want to be the one to push everything over the edge and make my mom have an emotional breakdown and kick my dad out.
ntn7880, Oh man, I remember these kinds of thoughts and feelings too well from my childhood...they would obsess me and I never knew what was the "right" thing to do.
Alcoholism warps the thinking and stresses out and shames the children/teens living in an A household. I learned to tolerate levels of crap being just wrong that have continued to influence me to this day. I guess I never properly developed (or was taught) an understanding of what is acceptable behavior and what is not, because, hey Mom put up with it so it must be OK....
At some point I learned that Dad's drinking caused Mom to rage and/or be sad the most and so I also wanted to hide his drinking from her. Insane! I can clearly remember one time, I was probably 9, when Mom came home from work one night, Dad was drunk, but still functioning (i.e. walking and talking) and I literally met my Mom at the door and started doing a little jig and talking a mile a minute to try and make her laugh and distract her....and to protect my father, and the rest of us kids, from her anger and from her dark mood if she saw dad drunk which would then infect the entire house.
Because, naturally, overall, what I really wanted was a normal loving family at peace and not this craziness. I loved my parents of course, but they were sick, both of them, and it was a daily lesson in how to live that was not healthy. But that's what they taught me day in and day out.
Your Mom sounds more open, I mean at least you have both openly acknowledged that Dad's drinking is a problem. Even though I know the impulse you're feeling of being anxious to tell her something upsetting, I learned many years later that it was not my job to protect my adult alcoholic father from consequences of HIS decisions, nor my responsibility to protect my mother from reality.
I think the spouses of As can sometimes be so focused on what they are going through, and maybe it's also part of the vast denial going on, but they focus on their own experience and suffering.. Meanwhile, and it astonished me how little awareness my Mom had of this, the children growing up in this environment are having their own heavy experience with it, their own horrible primary drama, even though they may lack the words or insight to describe it in full. Kids are human beings too LOL!!
So whether you tell your mom or not I hope you find some more resources for support for yourself. I certainly needed it to clear up my thinking and anxiety about so many things beyond my control, and to begin to restore my own peace of mind and sense of sanity.
I'm so glad you found this site ntn7880, I would have benefitted from something like this when I was a teenager....I discovered AlAnon in my twenties and that helped me enormously - have you ever tried an AlAnon or Alateen meeting?
http://al-anon.org
https://al-anon.org/for-members/grou...urces/alateen/
Good luck to you - I hope you stick around here, you have a perspective many parents on here could benefit from hearing. You'e not alone, if we could say or do the "right" thing and make the A stop drinking then none us would be here.
(((hugs)))
peace,
B
ntn7880, Oh man, I remember these kinds of thoughts and feelings too well from my childhood...they would obsess me and I never knew what was the "right" thing to do.
Alcoholism warps the thinking and stresses out and shames the children/teens living in an A household. I learned to tolerate levels of crap being just wrong that have continued to influence me to this day. I guess I never properly developed (or was taught) an understanding of what is acceptable behavior and what is not, because, hey Mom put up with it so it must be OK....
At some point I learned that Dad's drinking caused Mom to rage and/or be sad the most and so I also wanted to hide his drinking from her. Insane! I can clearly remember one time, I was probably 9, when Mom came home from work one night, Dad was drunk, but still functioning (i.e. walking and talking) and I literally met my Mom at the door and started doing a little jig and talking a mile a minute to try and make her laugh and distract her....and to protect my father, and the rest of us kids, from her anger and from her dark mood if she saw dad drunk which would then infect the entire house.
Because, naturally, overall, what I really wanted was a normal loving family at peace and not this craziness. I loved my parents of course, but they were sick, both of them, and it was a daily lesson in how to live that was not healthy. But that's what they taught me day in and day out.
Your Mom sounds more open, I mean at least you have both openly acknowledged that Dad's drinking is a problem. Even though I know the impulse you're feeling of being anxious to tell her something upsetting, I learned many years later that it was not my job to protect my adult alcoholic father from consequences of HIS decisions, nor my responsibility to protect my mother from reality.
I think the spouses of As can sometimes be so focused on what they are going through, and maybe it's also part of the vast denial going on, but they focus on their own experience and suffering.. Meanwhile, and it astonished me how little awareness my Mom had of this, the children growing up in this environment are having their own heavy experience with it, their own horrible primary drama, even though they may lack the words or insight to describe it in full. Kids are human beings too LOL!!
So whether you tell your mom or not I hope you find some more resources for support for yourself. I certainly needed it to clear up my thinking and anxiety about so many things beyond my control, and to begin to restore my own peace of mind and sense of sanity.
I'm so glad you found this site ntn7880, I would have benefitted from something like this when I was a teenager....I discovered AlAnon in my twenties and that helped me enormously - have you ever tried an AlAnon or Alateen meeting?
http://al-anon.org
https://al-anon.org/for-members/grou...urces/alateen/
Good luck to you - I hope you stick around here, you have a perspective many parents on here could benefit from hearing. You'e not alone, if we could say or do the "right" thing and make the A stop drinking then none us would be here.
(((hugs)))
peace,
B
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,631
Hi ntn,
That is a lot on your shoulders!
Too much perhaps. Please try to know that this is not your problem. The situation with you Dad, the relationship with your parents, that's out of your control.
I know that whatever they are doing and the drinking (or not) affects you greatly but please try to distance yourself a bit emotionally because it truly is not your problem. You didn't cause this and you can't fix it, it is up to them as individuals.
As for telling your Mom what you suspected. I would say do it. It's not a betrayal. You are not the "keeper of secrets". You saw what you saw, heard what you heard, by not telling your Mom you get to carry that burden. No need for you to do that. Keeping secrets is not a good approach and will only make you feel bad. The discussion about this situation should be an open one.
I also agree that attending Al-Anon or Ala-teen would probably benefit you greatly.
Hang in there!
That is a lot on your shoulders!
Too much perhaps. Please try to know that this is not your problem. The situation with you Dad, the relationship with your parents, that's out of your control.
I know that whatever they are doing and the drinking (or not) affects you greatly but please try to distance yourself a bit emotionally because it truly is not your problem. You didn't cause this and you can't fix it, it is up to them as individuals.
As for telling your Mom what you suspected. I would say do it. It's not a betrayal. You are not the "keeper of secrets". You saw what you saw, heard what you heard, by not telling your Mom you get to carry that burden. No need for you to do that. Keeping secrets is not a good approach and will only make you feel bad. The discussion about this situation should be an open one.
I also agree that attending Al-Anon or Ala-teen would probably benefit you greatly.
Hang in there!
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