SadAlone

This is my first post. My husband and I have been together for 18 years. We have a 15 month old and I am 6 months pregnant with our second. He’s always had an issue with alcohol abuse, but it got worse (secretive and during the day while working from home) about 2 years ago, once I was pregnant with our daughter. Incidentally, this should have been an amazingly happy time for us since we were finally pregnant with a healthy baby after many years of trying.

He goes to a therapist for his alcoholism, every other week, but won’t do anything more. He has spoken with a psychologist at an outpatient rehab intake and they said that his drinking isn’t severe enough and they didn’t think he would benefit (I can’t help but wonder: seriously????).

Compared to many stories I have read, he isn’t horrible. He drinks for a few days, then will stop for 2-3 weeks, then back again. When he drinks, he is probably drinking a six pack of high abv beer. It’s hard to say because it’s all in secret. The real problem is that he lies about it and is so unreliable. I worry about him watching our daughter when he’s drunk. He is an amazing partner and father when he is sober. I find him to be a wholly obnoxious and checked out person when he’s drunk.

There have been countless threats and second chances. I finally started to pull away from my emotional attachment to his sobriety, or lack thereof, a month or so ago. His last episode, I told him I was beginning the process of separating our finances (which I did) and would move forward with separation if he screwed up again. I came home today (just 2 days after his last episode) at 5pm and he had clearly been drinking, so I told him he’d have to move out tomorrow. He decided to leave tonight.

So my questions to you: am I overreacting about his drinking? What do I do next? As I said, I am 6 months pregnant and have a 15 month old. No family within 8 hours drive. No one except his parents even know about his alcoholism. I am feeling alone and overwhelmed. I am feeling too emotional and too sad. We’ve been each other’s best friends for so long and I know I can do it, but it’s so hard to imagine moving forward with our two children without him here.

Thanks for reading.

dandylion

Sadalone.....first thing....I suggest that you look up the local alanon meetings, in your area...and get to one asap.....(you can probably take the 15mo. old with you...or. there may be babysitting at some of the meetings)....you are going to need the support!

Let your doctor know...ask if you can be referred to support services for pregnant women....there is a lot of support that you may not know about. You may. also, want to ask a friend to attend classes with you/or be present at the delivery. (I worked in a woman's hospital for a few years...and, alcoholics/drug addicts are notorious for dropping the ball at the time of delivery....
Basically....I would advise you to proceed as if you are a single parent ...in relationship to the pregnancy and caring for your kids.....(hope for the best BUT prepare for the worst).....

Next....consult with a lawyer...it is important that you know your rights.....I am giving you the following website for you to be able to organize your thoughts and know what to actually ask a lawyer.....
www.womansdivorce.com

Nest...and this is very important----I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....there are lots of them...enough for you to read one every single day...

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

No...you are not over reacting. You do need to get busy, in the next three months to get your self ready for the delivery...so that you can mke that event one that is as happy as it is suppose to be.....
You are n ot alone....there are lots of people who will help...you just have to reach out your hand....

thephoenixrises

Just sending you many hugs and prayers. Dandylions advice is solid. My ex husbands drinking got worse each pregnancy-and went off the rails after my second was born. Please consult an attorney and give yourself and your kids a chance at freedom from his choices. Prayers and peace to you.

Givenup2018

I do not think you are overreacting, and alcoholism usually gets worse unless he admits he has a problem and takes steps such as AA to remain sober.
Alcoholics lie, there is no other way to put it, he does not do it to hurt you and probably believes what he is saying at the time but then alcohol will become his number one, it's impact on you and the kids are not his priority and wont be unless he gets proper help. Kicking him out was a right move, the A in my opionion needs to know what they stand to lose. If he chooses you then he must get help, if he doesn't then you can move on which will be the best thing for your kids.

Sorry you are in this position. Get help/support from Al Anon, read the literature, go online for Alanon also or join Bottled Up online.

PrettyViolets

There is a Divorced & Single Moms Support Group on Facebook. It is a closed group. It is a closed group in United States with 1.8 members (I am making the assumption that you are in the United States).

There is another group Divorced and Single Moms Support Group on Facebook. It is a secret group. If you need the contact for this group, send me a private message and I will send you the information. I like this group because it is a smaller group.

I really liked going to Divorcecare at a local church. I attended it 3 times.

I have been in your shoes with being pregnant and dealing with my husband's alcoholism. It is not easy. With my second child, my daughter, I had a placenta previa condition and had to be put on hospital bed rest the last couple of weeks of my pregnancy. It was really stressful when I was in the hospital because I had a one year old at home with my husband. My son was in full-time daycare and the inlaws would come visit and help with taking care of our son.

How is your pregnancy going? How is your relationship with his parents? Are his parents close enough that they could help you with your kids?

It is like you have this amazing love for your kids and you want to keep them in a safe environment. But at the same time you are trying to make a good decision on your marriage. My husband is my best friend as well.

For me, it got worse. It was like he kept being triggered by different things. I had to get myself and my kids to safety and just take care of us first. I was not intimate with husband for a couple of years. We were also going a divorce during this time (but the divorce timed out because we could not negotiate a parenting plan).

Cyranoak

you are not overreacting. you are seeing what you are seeing. trust yourself, and congratulations on being strong enough to kick him out. many, many people continue to live with their alcoholic because they aren't. i'm not talking about people fearing for their safety or that of their children-- that's different and i'm not qualified to speak on them. the question now is what next for you? you, not him. he is his responsibility, and as the sober party you and the children are yours.

SadAlone

Thank you for the kind and helpful responses. I have a lot to think about and get organized, and quickly.

I know I need to take better care of my emotional health. There are days when I am hanging by a string. I know I should go to Alanon, I don’t want to, but I will. I will also find a therapist through EAP.

As for pregnancy support, my Mom is planning to come out for a few weeks around delivery, so that will help. My Dad was a functioning alcoholic (sober for ~15 years now, they’re still married), so she will understand, she’ll be worried beyond belief, but she’ll understand.

Fortunately, I can monitarily support my child and myself and pay mortgage on my salary (when I return from maternity leave and have two in daycare, that will be a different story). We put together a post-nuptial agreement 6 months ago when I started realizing separation may be on the horizon. It’s not an official document, but I have no reason to believe he wouldn’t follow what we had agreed to. It outlines splitting of assets, child support, custody (he has none until he’s in recovery). I know I need more than this, but I can’t face a lawyer or the concept of officially filing for divorce, yet.

I guess I am still hopeful that he’ll pull his sheet together and we can be a happy family again. He was sober for about 5 or 6 months around when our daughter was born, and it was the happiest time of both of our lives. I wish that someone would tell me he needs to do X and Y and then you can take him back. I guess I am logically ready to separate from him, but I’m just not there emotionally. It’s hard when you still love someone.

Ladybird579

I know it is daunting the thought of being a single mom to two such young children but the alternative would be worse. My exah was with me when we had twin boys. He didn't turn up for their birth and then went on a bender which turned into a week after they were born. We had other children and he was supposed to be caring for them and my mum had to come over and look after them until I got home from the hospital as he was either drunk or sleeping it off. They only got to school cos my dad took them but noone told me this at the time. Our twins were prem and he invited his drinking relatives over for Christmas and while I still had one in SCBU I was feeding his friends, trying to not cry cos I was very worried about the twin still in the neonatal unit and basically holding it together by myself while he continued to drink and wet the bed every night. I was alone. We all are when our alcoholics are active. xx

dandylion

SadAlone.....the usual rule of thumb that is given...is to expect a year of uninterrupted sobriety work. before considering living under the same roof, again..... a nd, even that is very scenario dependent....

I am going to give you the following article, which is a pretty good yard stick with which to measure readiness for recovery....(I used to work with alcoholics, and I think this is a very good article)...(see it at the bottom of this post)....



You don't h ave to file for divorce...but, do stu dy the website that I gave you...it is arranged by state...because it gives you a good idea of what questions to ask and helps you know your rights and organize your thoughts.

I will give you a hint....your thoughts and feelings may flop around...especially. being pregnant....but, w hen you get angry...that can be a good motivator to do the hard stuff, when you need to!

Such good news that you mother is coming out...and, that you have an EAP program to refer to.
You certainly are not the first woman to find herself in this position. When I divorced my children's father, I had three little ones...one still in diapers....
We women/mothers are far stronger than we think.....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)

SmallButMighty

SadAlone, I'm so sorry you are going through this at all, let alone while you are pregnant, that's a real double whammy. It was during my second pregnancy that I realized my (X)AH actually had a real problem but it took me 16 more years before I was able to leave. Good for you protecting yourself and your children from the chaos of alcoholism.

You said no one but his parents know about his drinking. It doesn't have to be that way. You don't have to carry that burden. Things aren't so dark nor so scary when you stop trying to protect the disease. Hiding his alcoholism from the world contributes to your own feelings of being overwhelmed, lost, and the swirling chaos I know you are feeling. I encourage you to talk to your true friends, talk to your family, talk to us.... also please do reach out to a support group and/or counselor. You are not able to help your husband with his demons ( that is his fight) , but you can battle back your own by shining a light on them.

Wishing you peace and strength.

*hug*

ladyscribbler

I'm another mom whose alcoholic (now) ex ramped his drinking waaaayy up, especially during the last months of my pregnancy. The day we brought home our son, my ex was guzzling bourbon straight from the bottle and passed out with his head in the dog's bowl.

Sending you strength right now, and letting you know that you will get through this hard time, whatever decisions your husband is making.

Sleepyhollo

I think the fact that he is hiding it from everyone is a huge red flag. Chances are he drinks more than you actually know. And he probably downplayed how much he really drinks to the rehab facility. He probably didn't tell them that he hides his drinking etc. My H also downplayed his drinking and his was a big secret and literally no one knew about it other than me (and of course o enabled the whole secrecy thing...) My H would stop for a few months here and there and then restart drinking socially which of course turned into much more very quickly. But he hid it well an.pd drank "smart" so that he'd at least be sober at work. But I didn't trust him with our kid and often send her to friends when I had to do something. It will get worse, you just don't know when he will cross that line. I think you're smart to separate everything. This will either be a wake up call for him and he will seek treatment or not, but you won't have control over that. If he quits it needs to be out in the open and he needs to work a program and preferably something more than AA. Seeing a therapist every couple of weeks is pretty useless. I gave my H an ultimatum last year and he got sent to rehab (due to his job) for 90 days. Never thought he would've needed that because he was always able to quit. He needed it to deal with alll the underlying behavioral issues. It took him about 7 weeks before he saw his ways (and rehab was not kind to our relationship with which I was kind of done with by the time I confronted him) and he has come a long ways in the past year. He has changed a lot but it has been a lot of work. His drinking really did a number on our relationship the last 3 years especially and I think it would've been different had he quit 3 years ago and done a program then (he quit on his own for a year but was a dry drunk....so same bahviors but without the alcohol). Alcohol is only part of the problem. They drink to self medicate and unless those issues get addressed chances of a successful recovery are small. I wish I would've put my foot down 3 years ago and given him an ultimatum then. Not sure if he would've dealt with it differently then but I was in a different place emotionally then. I wasn't ready to walk out ( which I guess is why I didn't give him an ultimatum) . Take care of you and the kids and let him figure himself out. You can give him an ultimatum but he he isn't willing to quit there is nothing you can do. Hopefully though he will understand you're serious and the thought of losing his family may kick him into action. If he decides to quit and work a program give it at least a year before you make any life changing decision ps such as divorce. If he is serious he will change a lot in a year. Also seek out counseling for yourself and try alanon. It sounds like you have a solid plan in place and that you can take care of yourself financially so that's a huge plus.
Good luck and hang in there!

SadAlone

Thanks again for the advice and just for relating to my situation. I talked to AH this morning and he plans to start an iop program. In the meantime, while he’s arranging things, he’s going to AA meetings (which is a significant move for him since he has eschewed then in the past). He wants to meet to see us tomorrow and spend some time with our child.

In an unfortunate coincidence, I also have placenta previa (placenta blocking cervix and requiring c-section at 35-36 weeks) as one of the kind women who responded to me also had. I worry about what I will do if I hemorrhage while alone with my daughter, if I’m put on bed rest, and how I’ll take care of my two children (with baby preterm) after a c-section. It was a diagnosis that was hard to come to terms with when I wasn’t alone. But, I have to remind myself that my husband while drinking would not be of any help and likely make any emergencies worse to deal with.

SadAlone

I found this article helpful, my AH doesn’t fit most of these, but the first one is his typical behavior. He does well for a bit then thinks he has everything under control, and that’s when he slips up. He actually says things like the article mentions: “I feel so good, I don’t have any urge to go back to my old ways...”. Then, wham! We’re all knocked on our bums when he falls down his drinking spiral.

SadAlone

Prettyviolets, I mentioned in a previous post that I also have placenta previa. There’s still a chance that it could resolve, but my OB does not think it’s likely. I had been trying to limit how much I pick up and carry my 15 mo, but being on my own now, I can’t really do that, and carrying her around puts me at greater risk for complications. Ah! There’s so much to worry about. It was beautiful to see how my daughter and husband had bonded over the past month with him taking over more of the hands on duties with her so I wouldn’t have to pick her up so much. It makes me sad for both of them to lose that.

I have a good relationship with his parents, but they live a couple states away. They’d love to help, but being realistic, they are too far away to help in an emergency and since they both work, they’d only be able to help for a short time period. My mother in law was planning to stay with my daughter last year when I had to travel for work and didn’t trust my husband to be on his own with her, but my work travel ended up being cancelled. So, they are willing to help.

Just a lot to deal with while being super hormonal...

dandylion

Sadalone.....one of the hardest things for an alcoholic to accept is that they cannot do controlled drinking...and the very idea of never having another drink, again, seems like a death to them...
It takes most alcoholics many, many relapses to discover this on their own.
"I've got this--I can do this on my own--I am not craving anything" is very, very typical of the alcoholic who is not in a recovery program and living their life by the principles...
This is why it is so important that YOU understand it...even if he doesn't. This way, you will know what you are up against and can protect your own welfare....

That "alcoholic voice" is there, whispering in his ear...24/7. Even those who are in long-term, genuine recovery are very vulnerable to that "voice"...even after years of sobriety...the "voice" in their head is just waiting for a vulnerable time...and, one drink can send the whole thing overboard. Because, alcoholics cannot have just one drink...that is what alcoholism is all about...the inability to control the drinking...
They have to want recovery and want it BAD...for many...this desire for sobriety comes only after losing a lot...sometimes...marriage...house...job...health. ..etc.

He probably doesn't know what he doesn't know...lol....
Your own boundaries, based on what you know and what you need is what will save the future for you and your children...

Learning14

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