Jewelstar

I hate that I’ve become a fixture on here because of all my personal drama but talking about it helps so much.

My RAH of 18 yrs is at our house as we speak with a moving company to relocate to an apt. He cheated while drunk, I took him back, he’s 48 days sober and working AA but his mood swings and our fighting caused him to tell me he wants to separate. He told me he had to focus 100% on his recovery which was difficult and frustrating to me considering all the damage he did in our marriage.

I have made some poor financial decisions and he is using that as his reason to leave saying we are toxic for each other. I want the separation and know I have a lot of work to do with my codependance issues. What I asked him today via text because he doesn’t want to talk to me, is if this is just a break for us both to get healthy and if he’s going to stay faithful to me. He flat out said he can’t give those answers right now.

That was the line in the sand for me. I am being nice, not yelling, no drama. I told him that I am going to have to accept reality. I spoke With a lawyer today and know what I have to do to get my affairs in order.

The question I have is, if he’s actually following the program, why would he be open to another relationship? I think he may have something he’s hiding again. Or maybe I’m just being paranoid. Is this normal for early recovery?

BlownOne

Hi Jewelstar. I can't speak for your husband, but I know for me early recovery was brutal with my emotions swinging all over the place from one minute to the next. "Emotional sobriety" takes time for someone newly sober to achieve, and it comes in small stages. He may not be sure what he wants right now, or he simply may not be being full honest with you. It may even be an attempt to manipulate you. We alcoholics do that kind of thing, and it doesn't just magically stop when we sober up. It's my hope that you would do whatever you feel you need to do right now to be healthy and take care of yourself. Peace!

Bekindalways

Heya Jewelstar, no worries about being a fixture on here. This is what we are here for. Keep it coming.

I left my qualifier before he got sober so didn't go through what you are experiencing. Someone here recently said that people in their first year of recovery should be sent off to a high mountain in a country far away as they are so difficult to live with.

From the little I know, your RAH is very much within the spectrum of normal for this point in recovery. Also he may very well not be able to embrace recovery. It is usually advised that no big decisions are made in the first year. More will be revealed for both of you.

After all you have put into this relationship, it must be beyond horrible to have him act the way he is acting. Please keep taking care of yourself and your children. Circle every support wagon you can. You will need it. What you are going through is no joke. Decades later, I still remember the pain.

Hugs to you lady!

Ariesagain

I’ve read your other threads and while he’s ducking the truth, I would be shocked if he hasn’t resumed his previous affair or who knows, started a new one.

It’s pretty typical for addicts of all kinds to look for solutions outside themselves to fix the problem within. He maybe in some kind of “recovery,” but this relationship has all the signs of that.

Getting your life back sounds like a very good plan. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Sending you a hug.

Gm0824

I also left during active addiction and years later I still have no contact with him, any mutual friends or his family so I do not know if what the heck he is doing .. and am ultimately better for it. With that being said, I don't have anything to offer you on "what recovery looks like" other than from what I have read on here and in self help books - recovery looks like recovery.

What I do know: I hit my rock bottom with the way things were going in what was left of our relationship ... regardless of where he was at. I just knew I didn't want that life anymore. I felt better when I didn't have to see a reminder of his things everywhere.

Probably hard to see the silver lining in the moment of the moving crew but I would just like to point out that at least he is getting his crap out for you ... and rather timely at that!

Bernadette

The question I have is, if he’s actually following the program, why would he be open to another relationship? I think he may have something he’s hiding again.

All on his side of the street.

This is part of why alcoholism is a family disease and is literally incompatible with a healthy relationship....your questions may be entirely legit and logical, but someone 48 days sober after a long drinking career is still going to be as evasive and unreliable a narrator as he was while drinking. Recovery takes a long time, just being sober doesn't do it, so more will be revealed...you probably won't get any satisfying answers for a long, long time if ever.

Bravo for you cutting through the fog/bs and talking to a lawyer.

And financial difficulties suck for sure, but they can be fixed and are way way less stressful than a front row seat and having to be in a "relationship" with an A. Brighter days are ahead for you for sure!! Keep the focus on you and your own problems.

We codies can very easily slip into that obsession with the A that has derailed us from facing our own sh*t in our lives. We built our own unhealthy habits of NOT dealing with our problems, takes time for us too!!
(((hugs)))

Peace,
B.

NYCDoglvr

[QUOTEThe question I have is, if he’s actually following the program, why would he be open to another relationship? ][/QUOTE]

Recovery takes a long time, a lifetime really, and no one can predict how their behavior and thinking will change. 45 days is nothing.........ask him in a year.
In the meantime, let him get sober as you recovery in Alanon.

dandylion

Jewelstar.....good that you have seen a lawyer....as you have to look after your own welfare....
For sure...he isn't going to.
To answer your question....like airesagain said...alcoholics tend to l ook outside themselves for the fix or the "feel good". Affairs are good for that---it is good for the ego and it is full of excitement...a great distraction from the usual responsibilities to life or a committed relationship. All new--fresh--and lots of feel good hormones.
It happens a lot in rehab centers....where people are without the usual alcohol and everyone is sitting around sharing intimate feelings, together....of course, such relationships implode soon after facing the real world, again...lol....
It gives the appearance that your husband may cheat when sober and when intoxicated.....for the alcoholic...just because their alcohol blood level may be zero...the same mentality and thinking patterns are still the same...it takes 1-2-3 years to change that...if it changes , at all.
There are lots of men that are cheaters without even being addicted to anything....
It sounds like your marriage has been on the fritz, for a while--from what you have shared.
there are lots of m arriages that don't make it...even with no addiction and no cheating involved....all marrriages are not made in heaven....

I think that, a year from now...you will probably be shocked at how you view things.....

inquiringmind

Hey, Jewelstar! You've responded to my threads.....we are in VERY similar situations. While it seems your RAH may well be back in an affair, nobody can say for sure. It is also likely that he is NOT back in affair and is truly trying to work his recovery....the best he knows how....which is KILLING you, as you have already been through the ringer and now have a front row seat to him moving out and breaking up your family unit. Believe me, I GET IT!!!

And, either way, he is likely to NOT be honest with you about it no matter how much evidence you have or how often you confront him. So, best to leave well enough alone (I know.....it's hella hard!) and let him leave. You have to think about one thing.....are you willing to take him back. After all he has done and put you through, and even if he IS having a current affair......are you willing to move forward? If the answer is yes, then give him time. Let him work his recovery, and try to not contact him (for me, I don't contact my RAH, but I do respond/answer if he texts/calls me). Let him get his head straight, which will take a few months...if not longer. Don't pry, b/c that will push him further away. Just YOU do YOU and let him do him. If you aren't willing to take him back...if this was the last straw, well then, you already know what you need to do. I have a strong feeling you are too much like me, though.....you just want it to work, eventually. In that case, we are stuck in limbo, waiting to see while the ball is seemingly in their court. In that case, please do step back, take a breather, and take care of yourself/kids. Hugs to you!

dandylion

Jewelstar.....one more word of caution...lol....
Do not let yourself become like a china doll...waiting on the shelf for someone to take you down and out you back, at their whim....
Don't sit waiting...looking for an outcome....(and gathering dust)....
Take your power...take your voice...and direct it all toward your own life....
Right now..you are in the beginning stages of grieving....and you are in pain....
But, guess what---you can make a lot of progress in spite of pain....th e pain is going to go away, eventually, anyway.
I call it the short-term pain for the long-term gain.....

Keep reading and learning....

inquiringmind

Dandylion.....Wow....that speaks volumes to me!

Jewelstar

[QUOTE=inquiringmind;6753750]Hey, Jewelstar! You've responded to my threads.....we are in VERY similar situations.

InquiringMind - Yes, unfortunately we are. Today has been a huge roller coaster of emotions. I’ve gone from feeling elated at finally being free of his drama to feeling sad and heartbroken again.

He’s still acting angry and crazy, proof being when he came to the house with the movers he tore the house up looking for his AA book. When he asked where it was his tone seemed to imply he thought i had thrown it out or something. So bizarre. That behavior only confirms him moving out is for the best whether he’s together again with the other woman or not. I cannot control him, his disease or his behavior and I need to let him go. She can deal with him 😂

Tonight my 11 yr old son, who is really like a mini 30 yr old, tells me he knew that dad would do this to us again and that he was never here anyway so not much has changed except no more drama. Lol He then says, “Mom, to be honest, your only mistake was taking him back too soon after the affair, I knew it wasn’t enough time for him to change.” From the mouths of babes ❤️

Hopefully this feeling of peace will last the night. Or else, I’m sure I’ll be back on here again. All the loving, supportive feedback from everyone on here is sanity making in a looney bin. Including your posts! 🤗

Jewelstar

BlownOne - Thank you! It’s very helpful hearing from recovering alcoholics. I was So excited when he started AA, I thought our problems would be fixed. Obviously, it made things worse, for me and our kids at least. Tonight he called the kids acting like Disneyland dad, earlier he was foul. His moods are nuts and at least I’m free from walking on eggshells for a while.

Givenup2018

This is so true, been there done that. Went through years of pain, deep deep physical pain and grief. Read Melodie Beattie's Codepenent No More. It was an epiphany.
Now, surprisingly the pain is not there. The is anger sometimes though. Focus on yourself, you cannot control the A, you can only deal with your own stuff and circumstances.

Cyranoak

it may seem to him that instead of being concerned with his sobriety, you are concerned with his fidelity. perhaps that is why he answered the way he did. regardless, start focusing on yourself and your issues, and let him focus on himself and his issues. it is only after you have both done this for a long, long time will you find out if a healthy relationship exists for you both, and with whom those relationships will be.

FeelingGreat

Your 11yr old sounds amazing. Careful not to load too much onto him though.

In a way your situation is simple because your RAH has already checked out. His roller coaster recovery has given him some revelations, whether they be right or wrong, about your marriage. Now you're left with learning to cope with your own situation, even if it's not what you'd choose. His reply to your text could be translated as 'don't hold your breath'.

So, as others have suggested, get your legal and financial ducks in a row. You might be hoping he'll change his mind but act as if he won't. If you still have hopes for your marriage sorting out your own side of the fence and your financial short-comings can only help you.

There are big rewards in store for you by concentrating on yourself and what you need to do.

dandylion

I think that FeelingGreat makes an important point...not to load too much of the adult issues on the kid....even though he seems to be very aware and sharp.
Kids need to feel secure and free to be kids....not to worry about the adults....They need to feel security, stability and predictability in their day to day lives.
He is of an age that he would benefit from alateen...

JewelStar...try to get a good night's sleep......to morrow is a new day....

Ladybird579

He’s still acting angry and crazy, proof being when he came to the house with the movers he tore the house up looking for his AA book. When he asked where it was his tone seemed to imply he thought i had thrown it out or something

My exah did the same over photos of the kids he thought I had taken out of a box in our attic to "stop him having them." In the process of the tantrum that ensued he broke all my Christmas light up villages as he kicked the boxes all over the attic.

All I can tell you is it gets better. My exah cheated too and once a cheat always a cheat I think cos alcoholics don't all cheat. It was part of who he is. That was the deal breaker for me, not his drinking which was very bad by then anyway. I'd say proceed as if he isn't going to recover and if he does and he can be faithful and you can forgive him for cheating on you then all well and good but the chances are low that you will even want to as you learn more and focus on yourself. I look back now and I shake my head at myself wondering what exactly I was trying to save. xx

Jewelstar

CyraNoak - Thank you, I’m so wrapped up in my pain that I didn’t think it came off to him like that but it makes sense. I’m going to leave him alone, continue to be kind and continue to work on me.