I'm at a loss
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 13
I'm at a loss
I met my a guy in july last year. We hit it off right away. He wasn't my usual type (I'd been with previous boyfriend 27 yrs) and this was the first guy I really fell for.
The new guy was really outgoing, gave me confidence. Made me feel amazing.
So after just a month, he managed to get a room in the house I share.
It was then I noticed his drinking.
We always had a few drinks when we were out for dinner or bowling. I thought nothing of it.
Then he started drinking his left over lager in the morning, saying he was just thirsty and didn't have water.
Then we'd share a bottle of vodka at the weekend, and he'd drink some of a morning, to "numb his awful toothache "
I realised something wasn't right, but didn't like to say.
He eventually became irritable with me, for no reason other than I breathed. He'd say awful things to me and put me down.
Next day be ever so nice.
I loved him so ignored it.
Then he started hitting me. For no reason other than he was irritated.
I walked out several times, but always came back, as when he's not drinking vodka, he's amazing.
So eventually, after my 5th beating, and housemates hearing, I confided in my housemate and she told landlord, resulting in him being asked to leave.
Leading up to him leaving, I helped him find accomodation, and fetched his stuff to him when he moved in.
When we were together, all my money went in food and drink and tobacco for him as he'd spend his benefits quickly.
So despite working full time, money was tight. Still is.
So he's in a new place now, which he hates.
He suffers depression, and anxiety, often runs out if money, and says really nasty things to me.
He's treated previous girlfriends the same, some with violence. He has nobody, as they all wiped their hands of him, as he has a past of drink, drugs, and criminal activity.
So, I've been trying to persuade him to get help but he always refused.
Now he lives apart from me, it's a 2 bus journey to him.
He expects me to run to him every time he's anxious, or feeling down.
If I don't go, he gets really nasty.
I've asked him how he can expect me to help when he treats me this way.
But yep. There I go, every time.
I suppose I do still love him. But I think he plays on that. He can switch from crying, to happy, to angry in 10 seconds if he doesn't get his way.
He makes me feel guilty into running to him.
"If you love me you'll come"
So I managed to get him to see a doctor. She told him not to come off the drink , gave him Thaimin, and a number to ring for help.
So he's rung (so he says, I dont know as I've been working, and he's rarely able to tell the truth lately) and says they're no help.
So I'm on a wake night in work. And he's been ringing saying he's ill, hes not eaten for two days, not had a drink. He's shaking, and displaying symptoms if withdrawal.
He says he's had a fit yesterday, and one today.
He was texting fine, then all his texts were jumbled nonsense.
So he rang me, I heared rustling, then he said my name in a strange voice. Then quiet. So I asked if he needed an ambulance. He said my name again.
I have a feeling he was pretending to have a seizure, because when I hung up, he text me right away, perfect english, and called me some nasty names.
I can't determine if he's being truthful about how hes feeling, i just know he has no money for the next week, and need food and alcohol, so wants me to give him money. I really can't afford it, as I bought him a smart tv in december to help combat the boredom since his anxiety has hit the roof.
Am I being unreasonable?
I told him to ring 999 but he won't.
I really don't know how to handle the situation. I do want to help, but don't want him depending on me, especially when he can be so nasty.
He told me hes drinking over 6 ltrs of cider a day.
My last few visits to him have resulted in him shouting at me and saying nasty things, he gets really angry. I'm worried he'll become violent again.
Sorry for the super long post, but I wanted to give you as much info as possible.
I really don't know the best way to support him, whilst keeping us both safe.
The new guy was really outgoing, gave me confidence. Made me feel amazing.
So after just a month, he managed to get a room in the house I share.
It was then I noticed his drinking.
We always had a few drinks when we were out for dinner or bowling. I thought nothing of it.
Then he started drinking his left over lager in the morning, saying he was just thirsty and didn't have water.
Then we'd share a bottle of vodka at the weekend, and he'd drink some of a morning, to "numb his awful toothache "
I realised something wasn't right, but didn't like to say.
He eventually became irritable with me, for no reason other than I breathed. He'd say awful things to me and put me down.
Next day be ever so nice.
I loved him so ignored it.
Then he started hitting me. For no reason other than he was irritated.
I walked out several times, but always came back, as when he's not drinking vodka, he's amazing.
So eventually, after my 5th beating, and housemates hearing, I confided in my housemate and she told landlord, resulting in him being asked to leave.
Leading up to him leaving, I helped him find accomodation, and fetched his stuff to him when he moved in.
When we were together, all my money went in food and drink and tobacco for him as he'd spend his benefits quickly.
So despite working full time, money was tight. Still is.
So he's in a new place now, which he hates.
He suffers depression, and anxiety, often runs out if money, and says really nasty things to me.
He's treated previous girlfriends the same, some with violence. He has nobody, as they all wiped their hands of him, as he has a past of drink, drugs, and criminal activity.
So, I've been trying to persuade him to get help but he always refused.
Now he lives apart from me, it's a 2 bus journey to him.
He expects me to run to him every time he's anxious, or feeling down.
If I don't go, he gets really nasty.
I've asked him how he can expect me to help when he treats me this way.
But yep. There I go, every time.
I suppose I do still love him. But I think he plays on that. He can switch from crying, to happy, to angry in 10 seconds if he doesn't get his way.
He makes me feel guilty into running to him.
"If you love me you'll come"
So I managed to get him to see a doctor. She told him not to come off the drink , gave him Thaimin, and a number to ring for help.
So he's rung (so he says, I dont know as I've been working, and he's rarely able to tell the truth lately) and says they're no help.
So I'm on a wake night in work. And he's been ringing saying he's ill, hes not eaten for two days, not had a drink. He's shaking, and displaying symptoms if withdrawal.
He says he's had a fit yesterday, and one today.
He was texting fine, then all his texts were jumbled nonsense.
So he rang me, I heared rustling, then he said my name in a strange voice. Then quiet. So I asked if he needed an ambulance. He said my name again.
I have a feeling he was pretending to have a seizure, because when I hung up, he text me right away, perfect english, and called me some nasty names.
I can't determine if he's being truthful about how hes feeling, i just know he has no money for the next week, and need food and alcohol, so wants me to give him money. I really can't afford it, as I bought him a smart tv in december to help combat the boredom since his anxiety has hit the roof.
Am I being unreasonable?
I told him to ring 999 but he won't.
I really don't know how to handle the situation. I do want to help, but don't want him depending on me, especially when he can be so nasty.
He told me hes drinking over 6 ltrs of cider a day.
My last few visits to him have resulted in him shouting at me and saying nasty things, he gets really angry. I'm worried he'll become violent again.
Sorry for the super long post, but I wanted to give you as much info as possible.
I really don't know the best way to support him, whilst keeping us both safe.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Block him and drop him.
Abuse and alcoholism are separate issues. The vast majority of alcoholics never hurt anyone but themselves.
HE HIT YOU AND MORE THAN ONCE.
Drinking is no excuse for that.
Don’t talk to him, don’t give him money, don’t jump when he manufactures a crisis. He is big, big trouble and you’ve only known him six months. Your involvement will only ruin your life while enabling his addiction.
Run fast, run far. Do you have access to counseling?
Sending you a hug.
Abuse and alcoholism are separate issues. The vast majority of alcoholics never hurt anyone but themselves.
HE HIT YOU AND MORE THAN ONCE.
Drinking is no excuse for that.
Don’t talk to him, don’t give him money, don’t jump when he manufactures a crisis. He is big, big trouble and you’ve only known him six months. Your involvement will only ruin your life while enabling his addiction.
Run fast, run far. Do you have access to counseling?
Sending you a hug.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Mrswoo.
Welcome.
Well, there doesn’t t seem to be anything in this relationship that is good for you, so I would suggest walking away, blocking him, cutting off social media, and count myself lucky that you aren’t married.
Hope you will keep coming back.
This is a supportive place.
Peace.
Welcome.
Well, there doesn’t t seem to be anything in this relationship that is good for you, so I would suggest walking away, blocking him, cutting off social media, and count myself lucky that you aren’t married.
Hope you will keep coming back.
This is a supportive place.
Peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 13
Those replies are so so true.
He knows me well enough to know I'm a decent person and has and is still playing on that.
He told me today he soiled his bed and is laying on the floor shivering and asked me to lend him money.
I told him if he's in such a state, he won't make it to the shop.
And besides, it was 3am so nowhere open anyhow.
I know he guilts me into helping, but I feel bad if I don't.
I've blocked and unblocked so many times. I'm struggling with my feelings for him despite how he treats me.
But when he's nice, he's thoughful and respectful.
But I'm struggling myself to cope day to day. He's selfish about his own needs, tells me I'm thick and know nothing about alcoholism. Hence me researching tonight, and searching out this forum.
He knows me well enough to know I'm a decent person and has and is still playing on that.
He told me today he soiled his bed and is laying on the floor shivering and asked me to lend him money.
I told him if he's in such a state, he won't make it to the shop.
And besides, it was 3am so nowhere open anyhow.
I know he guilts me into helping, but I feel bad if I don't.
I've blocked and unblocked so many times. I'm struggling with my feelings for him despite how he treats me.
But when he's nice, he's thoughful and respectful.
But I'm struggling myself to cope day to day. He's selfish about his own needs, tells me I'm thick and know nothing about alcoholism. Hence me researching tonight, and searching out this forum.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 13
He also threatens suicide to pull at my heartstrings. I'm at the point where I tell him to go ahead.
Then he says it's blood on my hands, like it's my fault.
He asked me on monday to just put the pillow over his face and end it for him.
I replied with "yeah, and what a smack you'd give me"
He said he wouldn't, but I'm wondering if he was looking for a fight? I just don't know. And I'm beginning to feel unsafe around him, especially as he accuses me of seeing other people, which I'm not.
Then he says it's blood on my hands, like it's my fault.
He asked me on monday to just put the pillow over his face and end it for him.
I replied with "yeah, and what a smack you'd give me"
He said he wouldn't, but I'm wondering if he was looking for a fight? I just don't know. And I'm beginning to feel unsafe around him, especially as he accuses me of seeing other people, which I'm not.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
If he threatens suicide, call the police.
Then block him.
Maybe try looking at it this way...everything he asks of you is only making his drinking worse. Why would you help him poison himself? You are after all a good person.
He is not. Maybe if he has only himself to rely on he will get help and become a better person. Big maybe. But again, abusing you physically, mentally and emotionally is a separate issue from his alcoholism.
Have you tried calling a domestic violence hotline where you live? Because that’s what this is.
Then block him.
Maybe try looking at it this way...everything he asks of you is only making his drinking worse. Why would you help him poison himself? You are after all a good person.
He is not. Maybe if he has only himself to rely on he will get help and become a better person. Big maybe. But again, abusing you physically, mentally and emotionally is a separate issue from his alcoholism.
Have you tried calling a domestic violence hotline where you live? Because that’s what this is.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 13
I did file a report with the police.
They called back when they allocated me an officer.
I was meant to give a statement, but they said I cannot decide whether to prosecute, it would be them, and they would arreat him first then take whatever action they deened necessary.
I bottled out so to speak. Lost my nerve.
Aside from the violence, which has stopped for now, I wouldn't have thought what he was doing was a form of domestic abuse.
Shows just how blinkered I have been.
Thankyou. For giving me food for thought.
They called back when they allocated me an officer.
I was meant to give a statement, but they said I cannot decide whether to prosecute, it would be them, and they would arreat him first then take whatever action they deened necessary.
I bottled out so to speak. Lost my nerve.
Aside from the violence, which has stopped for now, I wouldn't have thought what he was doing was a form of domestic abuse.
Shows just how blinkered I have been.
Thankyou. For giving me food for thought.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 13
I really do thank you for your honest replies.
I finish my wake night at 9am, and really was considering going to his and lending him money.
Yep. £10 from the £30 he knows I have to live on until I get paid on the 28th.
Why do I feel bad for deserting him though?
I always ask him, why should I help when he won't help himself ( often he just asks for my company as he hates being alone)
When I make suggestions, he eithwr has an excuse not to, or asks me if I'm stupid 😕
I finish my wake night at 9am, and really was considering going to his and lending him money.
Yep. £10 from the £30 he knows I have to live on until I get paid on the 28th.
Why do I feel bad for deserting him though?
I always ask him, why should I help when he won't help himself ( often he just asks for my company as he hates being alone)
When I make suggestions, he eithwr has an excuse not to, or asks me if I'm stupid 😕
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Let me try this...say there was some kind of food you really, really liked. Strawberries, let’s say. Yum. Then you began to realize that every once in a while, they would make you really sick.
Then eating them started to make you really sick quite often. Still delicious...but then deathly sick to your stomach after. Happened five times in six months.
Wouldn’t you just quit eating strawberries?
In simple terms...he’s bad for you.
Let it go and move on, yes?
P.S. why would you give a third of your hard-earned money to someone who calls you stupid? And he’s not all alone...he has that overpriced television you bought him for company.
Did I mention dump him?
Then eating them started to make you really sick quite often. Still delicious...but then deathly sick to your stomach after. Happened five times in six months.
Wouldn’t you just quit eating strawberries?
In simple terms...he’s bad for you.
Let it go and move on, yes?
P.S. why would you give a third of your hard-earned money to someone who calls you stupid? And he’s not all alone...he has that overpriced television you bought him for company.
Did I mention dump him?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Originally Posted by Mrswoo 
He told me hes drinking over 6 ltrs of cider a day.
Is your food and comfort less important than his drinking?
I can only think it must be to you. Why is that?
You are deserving of good treatment and kindness and I hope you will look after yourself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 1,060
Mrswoo,
As a recovered alcoholic that never hit a gf or any violent tendencies while drunk. I would say mean stuff to my significant other because I felt those characteristics in me and projected them onto those closest to me. I have no idea if your bf is doing that or even creating an excuse for this behavior. But the best thing that my exgf did was leave me to deal with my problems. Have you checked out Al-anon or some other co-dependency help group?
As all the others have suggested, run fast far and block him on your phone. His problems are his. You don't make him drink and you can't stop him from drinking but you definitely don't need to finance his drinking. So don't let him manipulate you.
You are not happy with him so don't be with him. I know it's tough when you're emotionally attached and in the situation. We have the luxury of being detached so you are getting very good objective suggestions. Is giving up your happiness worth helping him?
Good luck
As a recovered alcoholic that never hit a gf or any violent tendencies while drunk. I would say mean stuff to my significant other because I felt those characteristics in me and projected them onto those closest to me. I have no idea if your bf is doing that or even creating an excuse for this behavior. But the best thing that my exgf did was leave me to deal with my problems. Have you checked out Al-anon or some other co-dependency help group?
As all the others have suggested, run fast far and block him on your phone. His problems are his. You don't make him drink and you can't stop him from drinking but you definitely don't need to finance his drinking. So don't let him manipulate you.
You are not happy with him so don't be with him. I know it's tough when you're emotionally attached and in the situation. We have the luxury of being detached so you are getting very good objective suggestions. Is giving up your happiness worth helping him?
Good luck
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 13
Thankyou done4today.
It's helped a great deal to hear that from you.
He has lied about a lot of things and can talk his way out of anything.
I've told him a million times, his life is how he made it. Yet he seems to think the world owes him something.
I can honestly say, he's dragged me down enough the past 6 months. It's time I pulled myself back up.
It's helped a great deal to hear that from you.
He has lied about a lot of things and can talk his way out of anything.
I've told him a million times, his life is how he made it. Yet he seems to think the world owes him something.
I can honestly say, he's dragged me down enough the past 6 months. It's time I pulled myself back up.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by trailmix
So why would you give him £10 of your £30, that you need to make due with until the end of the month, when he is buying 6 liters of cider every day? How much cider does £10 buy? When will he be asking for the other £20?
Is your food and comfort less important than his drinking?
I can only think it must be to you. Why is that?
You are deserving of good treatment and kindness and I hope you will look after yourself.
Is your food and comfort less important than his drinking?
I can only think it must be to you. Why is that?
You are deserving of good treatment and kindness and I hope you will look after yourself.
I didn't actually realise he drank i5ver 6 ltrs a day until yesterday.
But yes.
I've had a huge wake up, and will NOT be giving him money.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Mrswoo....when one is living in an abusive situation....as you have been, with him....it begins to effect you, mentally and emotionally....It does a job on a p erson....It erodes their self-esteem and self confidence. It can be so confusing if you have developed strong feelings and invested yourself I n this person. Under the constant abuse...it can, even, become hard to even think and to trust your own thoughts...some people feel like they are in a sort of "fog".
Here is the sticky wicket---If you started out loving and trusting the abuser...then it feels logical to look to the person that you have trusted to do right by you and protect you.....this is where it gets all topsy-turvy....because...
WE CANNOT LOOK TO THE PERSON WHO HURTS US TO HEAL US...
I believe you when you say that you want the bad, selfish, treatment to stop....but, abusive behavior, as well as alcoholism just gets worse over time....
What he is doing to you is wrong...it is not your fault...and you absolutely do not deserve this....
This is my suggestion to you...call the police...or what ever social service organization you have in your country....and ask them for a reference to an organization that helps those who are stuck in an abusive relationship....I am quite sure that there must be such organizations in your country.....?
Just talk to them...just l ike you have talked to us...These people, are, typically very understanding and not judgemental---their only goal is to help you....
Just talking to them can make you feel better...and, like you have someone in your corner...
They can offer you counseling, also...
It sounds l ike you really...really...need some nice understanding people to talk to...and, they can help you to sort y ourself out...
You still have us...please keep talking to us....you are not alone....
Again...this is NOT your fault...and you deserve better...
Here is the sticky wicket---If you started out loving and trusting the abuser...then it feels logical to look to the person that you have trusted to do right by you and protect you.....this is where it gets all topsy-turvy....because...
WE CANNOT LOOK TO THE PERSON WHO HURTS US TO HEAL US...
I believe you when you say that you want the bad, selfish, treatment to stop....but, abusive behavior, as well as alcoholism just gets worse over time....
What he is doing to you is wrong...it is not your fault...and you absolutely do not deserve this....
This is my suggestion to you...call the police...or what ever social service organization you have in your country....and ask them for a reference to an organization that helps those who are stuck in an abusive relationship....I am quite sure that there must be such organizations in your country.....?
Just talk to them...just l ike you have talked to us...These people, are, typically very understanding and not judgemental---their only goal is to help you....
Just talking to them can make you feel better...and, like you have someone in your corner...
They can offer you counseling, also...
It sounds l ike you really...really...need some nice understanding people to talk to...and, they can help you to sort y ourself out...
You still have us...please keep talking to us....you are not alone....
Again...this is NOT your fault...and you deserve better...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 13
Ok. So it all boils down to this.
I've always been overweight.
I managed to lose some weight, but my husband chose to have an affair anyway, and after a year and a half of me not knowing about it, I found iut and keft him after 27 yrs together (4 yrs married)
So I continued with my weightliss despite being in self destruct mode.
So when I finally felt better about myself (though still shy and lacking in confidence) I met this guy.
I still wasn't tiny, but the dmallest I'd been in yrs, and this guy just did and said all the right things.
Complimented me on all the things I disliked about myself and gave me so much confidence.
I felt more comfortable with him than I ever did with my husband.
But he liked larger women. And he encouraged the eating habits I'd managed to shake off. So I have put a "little" of the weight back on, but enough to bring bad self loathing.
But this guy makes me feel so giid and is complimentary, I still feel comfortable with him ( we are no longer together, but we have been having a friends with benefits relatsionship 😔
Yes, I'm a fool.
I think the ling and short if it, is I'm allowing his behaviour to continue, because I'm clinging onto the fact he shows more adoration and affection than my husband did.
And I honestly don't feel I'd ever feel that comfortable with anyone else.
But I know he's using me for his own benefits. To alleviate the boredom.
To sponge from.
To provide his needs.
I need to let go of him emotionally but it's proving difficult.
Take now. I messaged him last night, to let me know when he woke up, as he'd threatened to take pills ands was in a bit of a state.
So he just messaged me this
"Why, so you can persicute me?"
Thats clearly the type of guy he is, and I do want to run and let go.
I've always been overweight.
I managed to lose some weight, but my husband chose to have an affair anyway, and after a year and a half of me not knowing about it, I found iut and keft him after 27 yrs together (4 yrs married)
So I continued with my weightliss despite being in self destruct mode.
So when I finally felt better about myself (though still shy and lacking in confidence) I met this guy.
I still wasn't tiny, but the dmallest I'd been in yrs, and this guy just did and said all the right things.
Complimented me on all the things I disliked about myself and gave me so much confidence.
I felt more comfortable with him than I ever did with my husband.
But he liked larger women. And he encouraged the eating habits I'd managed to shake off. So I have put a "little" of the weight back on, but enough to bring bad self loathing.
But this guy makes me feel so giid and is complimentary, I still feel comfortable with him ( we are no longer together, but we have been having a friends with benefits relatsionship 😔
Yes, I'm a fool.
I think the ling and short if it, is I'm allowing his behaviour to continue, because I'm clinging onto the fact he shows more adoration and affection than my husband did.
And I honestly don't feel I'd ever feel that comfortable with anyone else.
But I know he's using me for his own benefits. To alleviate the boredom.
To sponge from.
To provide his needs.
I need to let go of him emotionally but it's proving difficult.
Take now. I messaged him last night, to let me know when he woke up, as he'd threatened to take pills ands was in a bit of a state.
So he just messaged me this
"Why, so you can persicute me?"
Thats clearly the type of guy he is, and I do want to run and let go.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Mrswoo.....it is so easy to get sucked in when they are so nice in the beginning....one person, on this forum calls this "lovebombing"....
We all like to feel complimented and adored....and, we can want and assume that it will continue, always.....
People who have abusive tendencies can be sooo manipulative and good at sucking us in....
This you must always remember---YOU ARE NOT YOUR WEIGHT OR SIZE!!
You just think/feel this way because your self esteem has been eroded away....(for now)..... That will change...but, you must get away from that which is harming you...
Know this...there are lots and lots of men who will treat you well and, who you will feel comfortable with.....but, you will never have a chance to meet them if you are caught up in this relationship....
don't try to do this alone....it is just too difficult, alone...Please reach out for the help which is there...
There are options.....
Start blocking him. You cannot help him...you cannot save him....this will only keep you down....like a giant millstone around your neck....
We all like to feel complimented and adored....and, we can want and assume that it will continue, always.....
People who have abusive tendencies can be sooo manipulative and good at sucking us in....
This you must always remember---YOU ARE NOT YOUR WEIGHT OR SIZE!!
You just think/feel this way because your self esteem has been eroded away....(for now)..... That will change...but, you must get away from that which is harming you...
Know this...there are lots and lots of men who will treat you well and, who you will feel comfortable with.....but, you will never have a chance to meet them if you are caught up in this relationship....
don't try to do this alone....it is just too difficult, alone...Please reach out for the help which is there...
There are options.....
Start blocking him. You cannot help him...you cannot save him....this will only keep you down....like a giant millstone around your neck....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 13
Well he's just blocked me because I put him in his place (used some words from all the advice here and stayed level headed)
Not before he lowered the borrowing amount to £4 (just enough for milk for coffee, and a drink)
He says he'll just rot in his soiled bed then.
He sent pics of himself looking all forlorn.
I asked for evidence if soiled bedding, after I'd told him to shower and put washing on.
He replied he's a proud man, and blocked me.
He's a horror. And I can only thank you guys here for letting me see what he really needs me for.
Not before he lowered the borrowing amount to £4 (just enough for milk for coffee, and a drink)
He says he'll just rot in his soiled bed then.
He sent pics of himself looking all forlorn.
I asked for evidence if soiled bedding, after I'd told him to shower and put washing on.
He replied he's a proud man, and blocked me.
He's a horror. And I can only thank you guys here for letting me see what he really needs me for.
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