Going to my first Alanon mtg

Old 01-18-2018, 09:14 AM
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Going to my first Alanon mtg

Hello - In about an hour I'm going to my first Alanon mtg. My RAH is in AA and has decided I'm now toxic for him and has moved out. Tomorrow he's got a moving truck coming.

I asked him today if this separation is permanent and if he plans to stay faithful to me while we work on our problems. He says he's not in a place to have this conversation with me at this time and starts God blessing me. Won't give me any answers. Mind you, he has only spent 30 min total with our 10 yr old and 9 yr old in the last 2 weeks while he rediscovers himself in a hotel room, he gets his apartment on Friday.

I guess I understand now that he isn't planning to work on our marital problems any time soon. He needs to focus on his sobriety and I need to focus on fixing the anger and co-dependency issues I've had towards him for a long time. I would spend money behind his back and I've admitted my financial infidelity and have asked for forgiveness. He says he forgives me but I'm having a hard time believing that. Before this separation he cheated on me in the midst of his drinking and even left me and our two kids for a brief time. When he came back begging for forgiveness and admitting his affair I didn't kick him out, I didn't want to lose my family. Since then (early Dec) and now he's become more and more distant with me to the point of moving out. We've had some fights in between but this makes no sense.

Now that he's working on his sobriety I am suddenly the root cause of all his problems? He gets to just walk away and leave me holding the bag? I know life isn't fair but this is just cruel
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Old 01-18-2018, 09:45 AM
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I am so sorry you are going through this. I was in a similar situation about two months ago, although my AH did not leave; when I wish he would’ve in order to give me the space I need to process all of this.
Unfortunately very early sobriety is definitely a time that they need to focus on themselves. At this time, I recommend focusing on you and the children. Good for you on going to al anon! The al anon group has helped many people! I have been going myself for the last couple of months as well and it helps put your focus where it needs to be...on you and what you want rather than on your AH.
There is a wealth of knowledge on this site as well on alcoholism and the more you know about this disease the better.
My AH is sober 2 months but is cold as a cucumber while at the same time professing his love for me.
There are very big changes ahead and the best you can do is continue to do what YOU need to do; not react to his actions. There is NOTHING about alcoholism that is fair.
Keep posting to this site. There are very caring people on here to help!
Good luck at your meeting and let us know how it goes.
Peace to you!
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Old 01-18-2018, 09:49 AM
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He needs to focus on his sobriety and I need to focus on fixing the anger and co-dependency issues I've had towards him for a long time. I would spend money behind his back and I've admitted my financial infidelity and have asked for forgiveness.
That's the heart of the issue and I would focus on it. Forget the blame and self-blame, and try to let go of expectations about the future, which no one can predict. No, you're not the root of h is problems and he's not the root of yours. Alanon was a life-saver for me and I hope you take advantage of the support and wisdom. Alcoholism is a life or death illness and he's right to focus 100% on his recovery.
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Old 01-18-2018, 10:03 AM
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Jewelstar.....Congratualtions on going to your first alanon meeting.....you need that support....
I am giving you the following link to a website that I think will be beneficial to you. Y ou need to know your rights--and, you DO have rights! Even if you don't take action, right now...just knowing your rights tends to give a layer of confidence and security.....knowledge is power.

The website is educational in nature..and I not meant to substitute for your own lawyer..but, it can help you to organize your thoughts and to know what questions you need to ask a lawyer.....

It sounds, to me, like he already has o ne leg out of the marriage, in his mind...what with the cheating and the probable rekindling of that relationship...focusing on his looks...and, laying lots of blame onto you.....
You need to take care of yourself and your kids....first priority.....
If he wants "space"....by all means...give him that space. Insist on that he have the space...without you in it....because, it will take him a minimum of one year to grab onto a recovery program...but, more likely 2 or 3yrs. (early recovery period)....
And, it is going to take you time to begin your recovery....you need that space as much as he does....
If I were you, I would look into getting a legal separation.....that way, he can't just dangle you on the end of a string......
Get your voice...take your power.....
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Old 01-18-2018, 10:23 AM
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Jewelstar, good on you for reaching out and going to your first meeting! When I first started attending I was consumed with the "why's" - Why was he doing this, that or the other. A very wise woman told me after a meeting when I was berating her with my daily on slot of why's calmly looked me in the face and told me, "Because he is sick and that is what they do."

And she was right, the more I learned about addiction/alcoholism and with the wisdom of the program and daily readers I was able to slowly (turtle pace!) shift that focus from why he would be doing what they do - to my own recovery. The book co-dependent no more also helped me immensely.

GM
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Old 01-18-2018, 10:35 AM
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"Hello - In about an hour I'm going to my first Alanon mtg."
∆∆∆∆
Great! This is a great thing to do for yourself. I hope the meeting provided you with some sense of support and some insight into how alcoholism affects family members. If by chance you felt a little uncomfortable, (not uncommon), please go back a couple more times or try another meeting.


"Now that he's working on his sobriety I am suddenly the root cause of all his problems? "
^^^^
Ummmmmmm. Wrong! You did not CAUSE his alcoholism!
Nope. No Way!!


" I know life isn't fair but this is just cruel"
^^^^
Yes, the way he is treating you IS cruel.
Sadly, a lot of alcoholics treat their loved ones poorly.
Whether they are drinking - OR Not.
(Sometimes their behavior is worse when not drinking, especially if they have no coping skills, other than drinking.)
Also, not ALL A's treat their loved ones poorly.

(By the way, even non-alcoholics can be cruel.........)


It sounds like your RAH is not going to be living with you - at least right now.

IMO - this would be a perfect time for you to learn as much as you can about the disease, and to get as much help for yourself, (Alanon, counseling, etc.), Learn about yourself - and how to take care of yourself and your kids. Definitely try to get some type of support system.

Jewel, your kids need at least ONE healthy, loving parent, physically and emotionally.

Stepping into that Alanon room, coming here to SR and taking good care of yourself can help make YOU the parent they need and deserve.


Best wishes to you.
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Old 01-18-2018, 10:42 AM
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Hello Jewel,
Congrats on getting to your first meeting.

He needs to focus on his sobriety and I need to focus on fixing the anger and co-dependency issues I've had towards him for a long time.

What you said right there is the key. I am going through the same thing and am shocked how unbelievable difficult I am finding it.

Reach out anytime and keep coming back as they say. You are not alone.
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Old 01-18-2018, 12:00 PM
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Jewel.......
HERE IS THE WEBSITE THAT I PROMISED YOU

www.womansdivorce.com
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Old 01-18-2018, 09:11 PM
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still trying to figure out this thread stuff but I hope everyone can see my reply here and know how thankful I am for your support today.

My first Al-Anon mtg was with a group of nice older women who saw me in tears within about 30 seconds of getting there. Lol I am really going to benefit from this program as I’m realizing my codependency issues need to be fixed before I can even entertain reconciliation at this point. Plus, I deserve much better than how I’m being treated right now, I need to focus on loving myself, my kids and my RAH from afar.

I’m going to detach with love and let him have this journey and this time that he needs to get well as much as I need It. I’m going to try my best to focus on the present and let go of the what if’s since nothing is ever guaranteed anyway. Fortunately, years before all this happened I was really connected with my faith and I’ll continue to do so. I’m sure I’ll be on these forums a lot in the upcoming weeks and months. Thank you all so much!

Oh, and I started reading CoDependant No More and love it ��
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Old 01-18-2018, 09:22 PM
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Thank you!
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Old 01-18-2018, 09:24 PM
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Thank you for referring codependent no more. Huge eye opener for me
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Old 01-19-2018, 08:34 AM
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You sound great Jewel! I found when I kept my energy focused on myself, kept making the next right decision for ME that everything else in my life started to fall into place. It's a long journey but so worth it!

I'm glad you are reading the book. If you are a book reader, another one I found helpful was, Why does he do that? - a real eye opener for me. I can't recommend the AlAnon daily readers enough, One Day At A Time, Courage to Change and the book Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage.

I don't know the dynamics between you and your spouse or your children, I know for me, these were books I kept hidden and read when I was alone because I know there would be a huge blowup if they were discovered.

Keep posting and reaching out when you need it - there are so many experienced people on this board.

GM
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