Trying to make it through....one day at a time
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Trying to make it through....one day at a time
Well, it has been 2 weeks since my RAH (at my request) left to go stay at a friends house. It is more of a sober living house, as the friend is years into his own recovery and doesn't allow any alcohol in the house. He also attends meetings with my husband and hosts Bible studies. All in all, I feel like him being there is best case scenario for him right now.....but (there's always a but) I miss him SOOOOOO much! I feel as though our home is incomplete. Why?!? He put me through so much hell over the last 10 years (off and on..when it was good, it was amazing; when it was bad it was awful. The good was always way more frequent than the bad). The last 3 months, though, were almost more than I could handle. All that has occurred since October, when he began his downward spiral at a rapid descent, has left me broken. I am devastated at the thought of losing him, even though I know life like it was is no way to live. It is easier in so many ways with him gone, but I still just want him here. I just want him to walk through the door and take me in his arms and tell me it will all be okay. I know I need to let go and "detach" and just don't know how...and don't know if I have the strength.
Enough of my venting, here's my question to those who have been there. Like I mentioned, he has been gone 2 weeks working on his recovery (Yes, I realize this is NOT long at all). In that time, he calls or texts each morning to check in, calls when I get off work each day, and typically again before he goes to bed. Our interactions have been friendly, no arguing, and I get little glimpses of the "old" him....the guy I fell in love with. We have 3 young boys, so I can't go no contact. This week, he has been by the house the past 5 days in a row. While I like seeing him, I feel like it makes it harder each time he leaves again. How do I set up boundaries, or what should healthy boundaries be? I want him to see the boys as much as possible. But, yesterday (and the days before) he just walked in unexpected. Saturday night, he actually showed up at 2 am. (stone cold sober to boot!). I think he is missing us??? Friends think he is fishing for invites or reasons to stop by when he texts me. Should I allow this/invite him. I want to be supportive, but I also want to protect myself/kids. I also don't want to be a doormat.
I guess I just feel like I am in a state of limbo. Like, I know he needs this time to focus on his recovery and that should be his main priority. I know, at least I feel like right now, that I want to ultimately salvage our marriage. Is this crazy of me? Knowing all he has put me through? Could we ever even have a healthy marriage? (Sorry to ramble, just thinking out loud).
Enough of my venting, here's my question to those who have been there. Like I mentioned, he has been gone 2 weeks working on his recovery (Yes, I realize this is NOT long at all). In that time, he calls or texts each morning to check in, calls when I get off work each day, and typically again before he goes to bed. Our interactions have been friendly, no arguing, and I get little glimpses of the "old" him....the guy I fell in love with. We have 3 young boys, so I can't go no contact. This week, he has been by the house the past 5 days in a row. While I like seeing him, I feel like it makes it harder each time he leaves again. How do I set up boundaries, or what should healthy boundaries be? I want him to see the boys as much as possible. But, yesterday (and the days before) he just walked in unexpected. Saturday night, he actually showed up at 2 am. (stone cold sober to boot!). I think he is missing us??? Friends think he is fishing for invites or reasons to stop by when he texts me. Should I allow this/invite him. I want to be supportive, but I also want to protect myself/kids. I also don't want to be a doormat.
I guess I just feel like I am in a state of limbo. Like, I know he needs this time to focus on his recovery and that should be his main priority. I know, at least I feel like right now, that I want to ultimately salvage our marriage. Is this crazy of me? Knowing all he has put me through? Could we ever even have a healthy marriage? (Sorry to ramble, just thinking out loud).
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inquiringmind......I can see that this is making it really hard for you....especially since you are missing him.....
No doubt, he misses you all, also....
I, also, suspect that he is trying to get you to invite him back into he house.....
I think that a fixed schedule would be the way to go.....
Even in a real Sober House....some family visits are al lowed...after a certain time...and only during certain times.....
I think that it would be easier (less confusing) for the kids, also....
Alcoholics are sometimes like children...in the respect that they want what they want...and, they want it, now....Delayed gratification is not their strong suit...lol....
Learning to live life on life's terms is one of the things that they have to accept and learn how to do, as a part of recovery...
When he is lonely (which is understandable)...it is better if he turns to his AA peers...his sponsor...his other support people....to cope with his uncomfortable feeliings....
I don't think it is helpful for you to walk on eggshells in order not to upset him or fear that you will set him back....Only he can do that...his changes have to come from within him.....
How do you set the boundaries?.....I would say---remember that the boundaries that you set are for YOU and the kids...not rules for him....
You will need to use your voice...and your power. Set the boundaries that you are going to live by.....
For example....only phone calls at a certain time of day...say--between 9 and 9:15 PM. Visits with the kids on Sunday afternoon.....
etc......
Why do you miss him....It is human nature, in my opinion. We get used to the people in our daily lives, being around....We even get used to our enemies and there feels like there is a hole, when they are gone.
But, we humans have a great ability to adapt....and, we get used to a new n ormal, after a while....
Think of the marriages where one partner is deployed in the military...or is a long distance truck driver...or, is away for other necessary reasons....you will observe that these people do adjust......
No doubt...he wants to come back...but, remember--when he was in the home and you were not missing him...it didn't stop him from drinking and it didn't stop the misery that came from it......If he were to return, it is almost for certain that the old ways would be back in motion in a very short time.....If he shows up in the middle of the night...let him know that you will not answer the door...and, that you will remind him to call his sponsor....
And, if you are trying to detach...I would suggest no vertical tango....as, that just makes it all the harder.....
No doubt, he misses you all, also....
I, also, suspect that he is trying to get you to invite him back into he house.....
I think that a fixed schedule would be the way to go.....
Even in a real Sober House....some family visits are al lowed...after a certain time...and only during certain times.....
I think that it would be easier (less confusing) for the kids, also....
Alcoholics are sometimes like children...in the respect that they want what they want...and, they want it, now....Delayed gratification is not their strong suit...lol....
Learning to live life on life's terms is one of the things that they have to accept and learn how to do, as a part of recovery...
When he is lonely (which is understandable)...it is better if he turns to his AA peers...his sponsor...his other support people....to cope with his uncomfortable feeliings....
I don't think it is helpful for you to walk on eggshells in order not to upset him or fear that you will set him back....Only he can do that...his changes have to come from within him.....
How do you set the boundaries?.....I would say---remember that the boundaries that you set are for YOU and the kids...not rules for him....
You will need to use your voice...and your power. Set the boundaries that you are going to live by.....
For example....only phone calls at a certain time of day...say--between 9 and 9:15 PM. Visits with the kids on Sunday afternoon.....
etc......
Why do you miss him....It is human nature, in my opinion. We get used to the people in our daily lives, being around....We even get used to our enemies and there feels like there is a hole, when they are gone.
But, we humans have a great ability to adapt....and, we get used to a new n ormal, after a while....
Think of the marriages where one partner is deployed in the military...or is a long distance truck driver...or, is away for other necessary reasons....you will observe that these people do adjust......
No doubt...he wants to come back...but, remember--when he was in the home and you were not missing him...it didn't stop him from drinking and it didn't stop the misery that came from it......If he were to return, it is almost for certain that the old ways would be back in motion in a very short time.....If he shows up in the middle of the night...let him know that you will not answer the door...and, that you will remind him to call his sponsor....
And, if you are trying to detach...I would suggest no vertical tango....as, that just makes it all the harder.....
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See, I’m thinking Dandylion meant horizontal tango, but maybe she’s just a whole lot more athletic than I am...
Dunno. A big part of recovery IMO is figuring out once and for all that his needs are not the only consideration in the world. Showing up at 2 a.m. and I assume waking up your kids and you isn’t really consistent with that. That’s not romantic...it’s self-centered.
In fairness, two weeks is nothing. He’s not there yet. But that also means he’s not recovered enough to live with your children. You had him leave for a reason, yes?
As DL said, lay out a schedule. No middle of the night visits or calls. Your kids will benefit from the structure, too.
Then see how it goes?
Wishing you clarity and strength.
Dunno. A big part of recovery IMO is figuring out once and for all that his needs are not the only consideration in the world. Showing up at 2 a.m. and I assume waking up your kids and you isn’t really consistent with that. That’s not romantic...it’s self-centered.
In fairness, two weeks is nothing. He’s not there yet. But that also means he’s not recovered enough to live with your children. You had him leave for a reason, yes?
As DL said, lay out a schedule. No middle of the night visits or calls. Your kids will benefit from the structure, too.
Then see how it goes?
Wishing you clarity and strength.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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Originally Posted by inquiringmind 
How do I set up boundaries, or what should healthy boundaries be? I want him to see the boys as much as possible. But, yesterday (and the days before) he just walked in unexpected. Saturday night, he actually showed up at 2 am. (stone cold sober to boot!).
I want to be supportive, but I also want to protect myself/kids. I also don't want to be a doormat.
.
I want to be supportive, but I also want to protect myself/kids. I also don't want to be a doormat.
.
This is where boundary setting comes into play.
Here are a few boundaries that I've set for myself/DS:
- I will not respond to any text message from my STBXAH unless it requires an immediate response regarding pick up/drop off of DS. I prefer most communication via email because it gives me time to read/process/respond and doesn't make me feel I have to provide an immediate response.
- I will not allow my STBXAH call me names or tell me about how awful he thinks I am or how I'm hurting our DS by divorcing him ( I don't tell him this boundary, I just know it and remove myself if it starts)
- All visits with DS have to be pre-arranged. No out of the blue drop ins. I do this to help create a stable routine for my DS. I find the random drop ins followed by leaving is too upsetting. When he knows when he is coming and when he's leaving ahead of time, it's a lot better. I have been told children like to know ahead of time when it comes to most things in life because it provides a sense of security.
Sit down and think about what YOU need/want. You know what is best for your kids, what would help them the most?
Instead of thinking " I want him to see them as much as possible," start thinking "how much is good enough for them to see him?" Put them first. If your home was chaotic, like mine was, they might need a little break too....?
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You miss him, it's been two weeks, but what do you envision if he returns? That all will be resolved and it will suddenly turn into a happy family unit? He's still the same person you asked to leave and if you give in to urges and invite him back it will be the same.
Alcoholism is a mental illness and recovery takes years and years, a lifetime. As the alcoholics drinking progresses their mental health deteriorates. That doesn't change suddenly because they haven't had a drink in a few weeks or months.
Denial and rationalization are the overriding obstacles to all addictions, including codependency. I dragged out a miserable relationship far too long by thinking "it will be different." Let's give it another shot. Big help from Alanon came in the form of developing clear thinking and getting real.
Alcoholism is a mental illness and recovery takes years and years, a lifetime. As the alcoholics drinking progresses their mental health deteriorates. That doesn't change suddenly because they haven't had a drink in a few weeks or months.
Denial and rationalization are the overriding obstacles to all addictions, including codependency. I dragged out a miserable relationship far too long by thinking "it will be different." Let's give it another shot. Big help from Alanon came in the form of developing clear thinking and getting real.
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It is more of a sober living house, as the friend is years into his own recovery and doesn't allow any alcohol in the house. He also attends meetings with my husband and hosts Bible studies.
I know, at least I feel like right now, that I want to ultimately salvage our marriage.
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Thanks, everyone. I know it is far too soon to allow him back home; I am just struggling. Also, I know there should not be any vertical/horizontal tango....I think that is also why I am struggling. I allowed that to happen yesterday. He had been hinting at it Mon and Tues when he stopped by, and I was strong. Yesterday, I gave in and now I'm beating myself up about it. On the one hand, I don't want him to think he can just pop in and have that whenever he wants. On the other hand, I certainly don't want him seeking it elsewhere. Heck, I don't know what he does with all of his time. I know he is working a lot, and going to meetings regularly, but I don't know what his day to day looks like. I am trying not to let that bother me, and trying to not get bogged down with thoughts of "What is he doing now?" Even when I see him, there really isn't any open discussion about anything. I am trying to give him space, so I don't initiate any conversations. Basically, there's just small talk.
This is just so new to me. I know it will take time to adjust; I am just struggling with finding my new normal. Thanks for all of your advice and encouragement.
This is just so new to me. I know it will take time to adjust; I am just struggling with finding my new normal. Thanks for all of your advice and encouragement.
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Atalose: I am working on myself. I am speaking w/ a counselor, reading and educating myself on this disease, and working through how to begin my own recovery. I know I have changes to make. I think I have already made some big changes. Asking him to leave was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I wouldn't have had the strength to do that a few months ago.
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Inquiringmind.....just so you know...the reason I made such a deal about the tango is that men tend to think that sex makes everything return to normal--that everything is"o.k".......
Don't worry about him seeking it elsewhere....no man ever died from lack of sex....lol...I have been in the medical field for many, many, years...and, I have yet to see anyone who fell ill due to lack of sex...much less, die of it...
If he were to seek it elsewhere....then, you know that h is is an infant, and your relationship has more problems than alcoholism......
Like hopeful4 says...if he is truly working on recovery...he will understand the boundaries...
Don't worry about him seeking it elsewhere....no man ever died from lack of sex....lol...I have been in the medical field for many, many, years...and, I have yet to see anyone who fell ill due to lack of sex...much less, die of it...
If he were to seek it elsewhere....then, you know that h is is an infant, and your relationship has more problems than alcoholism......
Like hopeful4 says...if he is truly working on recovery...he will understand the boundaries...
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dandylion-you are so right! He has never been one to apologize (that would mean he would have to accept responsibility for his actions!) His way of showing he is sorry is to just act like everything is A-OK! And, if he is out doing things he shouldn't be, we definitely have much bigger problems! I have got to be better about always letting my mind wander and think the worst. Of course, I do that b/c trust has been broken so many times.....never through infidelity (to my knowledge) but broken nonetheless!
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On the one hand, I don't want him to think he can just pop in and have that whenever he wants. On the other hand, I certainly don't want him seeking it elsewhere.
we are not dairy cows that are assessed by how MUCH milk we produce or how OFTEN. we do not have to meet some quota, or PUT OUT in order to keep the farmer happy. if we are worried that if we do NOT put out, give in, appease, that HE then has the right to go find it elsewhere, there is already something VERY WRONG with our relationship.
sex is optional. not the foundation.
we are not dairy cows that are assessed by how MUCH milk we produce or how OFTEN. we do not have to meet some quota, or PUT OUT in order to keep the farmer happy. if we are worried that if we do NOT put out, give in, appease, that HE then has the right to go find it elsewhere, there is already something VERY WRONG with our relationship.
sex is optional. not the foundation.
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Hi, Inquiringmind.
It’s been said by those who know: please take your time on this.
I said it in an earlier post.
There will be pressure to let him come home.
Kids, him, you.
He really, really needs to pursue recovery, and you really, really need to protect yourself.
Please don’t let him pop in whenever. Please don’t let him back into bed.
You will be right back where you started, and the cycle will continue.
Sorry, but it will.
Wishing you the best.
It’s been said by those who know: please take your time on this.
I said it in an earlier post.
There will be pressure to let him come home.
Kids, him, you.
He really, really needs to pursue recovery, and you really, really need to protect yourself.
Please don’t let him pop in whenever. Please don’t let him back into bed.
You will be right back where you started, and the cycle will continue.
Sorry, but it will.
Wishing you the best.
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" I am devastated at the thought of losing him, even though I know life like it was is no way to live. It is easier in so many ways with him gone, but I still just want him here. I just want him to walk through the door and take me in his arms and tell me it will all be okay. I know I need to let go and "detach" and just don't know how...and don't know if I have the strength. "
InquiringMind, you and I are in the same boat unfortunately. I'm in tears this morning because he's coming today with a moving truck to get furniture from our house to use in his new apartment. He's about 48 days sober now and is in this stage of completely cutting me out, he will only talk "business" with me in relation to the kids and finances. Because we fought here and there in the last few weeks he thinks I'm toxic for him and can't even give me an answer as to whether he plans to be faithful to me while living apart. He says he's not in a place to have that conversation right now.
When he was in the throws of alcoholism he had a two month long affair, didn't initially tell me but wanted a divorce then came crawling back begging for forgiveness then confessed. I take him back, help him to focus on his sobriety but his crazy mood swings and unwillingness to continue marriage counseling with me caused this separation. We've been married 18 yrs and I know I have some major co-dependency issues that I'm working on through friends, Alanon and self help books. I'm just having the hardest time letting go even though logically I know he and I both need this time, my heart is broken. I miss him and I miss our family unit. I keep praying and praying that God will change me so I can be the best me, with or without my husband but days like today, when the reality of my situation hits me it is so very hard. He has put me through hell so why do I still want to be with this "sick" person?
I know your pain and wish I could say something to take it away. The reality is, we just need to detach with love as painful as it is.
InquiringMind, you and I are in the same boat unfortunately. I'm in tears this morning because he's coming today with a moving truck to get furniture from our house to use in his new apartment. He's about 48 days sober now and is in this stage of completely cutting me out, he will only talk "business" with me in relation to the kids and finances. Because we fought here and there in the last few weeks he thinks I'm toxic for him and can't even give me an answer as to whether he plans to be faithful to me while living apart. He says he's not in a place to have that conversation right now.
When he was in the throws of alcoholism he had a two month long affair, didn't initially tell me but wanted a divorce then came crawling back begging for forgiveness then confessed. I take him back, help him to focus on his sobriety but his crazy mood swings and unwillingness to continue marriage counseling with me caused this separation. We've been married 18 yrs and I know I have some major co-dependency issues that I'm working on through friends, Alanon and self help books. I'm just having the hardest time letting go even though logically I know he and I both need this time, my heart is broken. I miss him and I miss our family unit. I keep praying and praying that God will change me so I can be the best me, with or without my husband but days like today, when the reality of my situation hits me it is so very hard. He has put me through hell so why do I still want to be with this "sick" person?
I know your pain and wish I could say something to take it away. The reality is, we just need to detach with love as painful as it is.
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InqiringMind - If its at all possible, try to not see him. My kids are 11 and 9 so when I know my RAH is coming to get them I can usually leave because they are old enough to be at the house alone for short periods.
As much as I long for him and miss him every day, I also know that if I see him I will succumb to him and I really, really want him to miss me. So far he has not laid eyes on me since Sunday and I want to continue that way as long as I can. I am also working on losing weight (for ME!) as part of my personal self discovery. For years I have carried an extra 20 lbs of co-dependent self loathing. No more. I want to be the best me with or without him. However, I still keep hope alive that he will be in a better place to come back to me eventually. There's always hope.
As much as I long for him and miss him every day, I also know that if I see him I will succumb to him and I really, really want him to miss me. So far he has not laid eyes on me since Sunday and I want to continue that way as long as I can. I am also working on losing weight (for ME!) as part of my personal self discovery. For years I have carried an extra 20 lbs of co-dependent self loathing. No more. I want to be the best me with or without him. However, I still keep hope alive that he will be in a better place to come back to me eventually. There's always hope.
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Also, I know there should not be any vertical/horizontal tango....I think that is also why I am struggling. I allowed that to happen yesterday. He had been hinting at it Mon and Tues when he stopped by, and I was strong. Yesterday, I gave in and now I'm beating myself up about it. On the one hand, I don't want him to think he can just pop in and have that whenever he wants. On the other hand, I certainly don't want him seeking it elsewhere.
My now exah thought he could come back for sexy time after he had left to supposedly sober up. I think the benchmark of how serious he is about sobriety is how well he takes you setting boundaries. Alcoholics do not like being told no. You asked him to leave but he now turns up when he feels like it and his house or not , walzing in at 2 am is just plain wrong. At the moment he getting his cake and eating it. He has his time away from you doing as he pleases and comes back and has all the best bits of married life and none of the chores.
I set a boundary with my exah that he only contacted me once a week on a Saturday afternoon by phone to see how the kids were. After 6 months he got a visit to see them. That sounds harsh but they need to concentrate on sobriety not what is going on at home. You both need time to work on yourselves and yes it was difficult for me. I loved him deeply then but things progressed and I don't anymore. I needed to look at the bigger picture..the one in which he didn't become sober and make plans for that. He never did but I hope your husband does.
My now exah thought he could come back for sexy time after he had left to supposedly sober up. I think the benchmark of how serious he is about sobriety is how well he takes you setting boundaries. Alcoholics do not like being told no. You asked him to leave but he now turns up when he feels like it and his house or not , walzing in at 2 am is just plain wrong. At the moment he getting his cake and eating it. He has his time away from you doing as he pleases and comes back and has all the best bits of married life and none of the chores.
I set a boundary with my exah that he only contacted me once a week on a Saturday afternoon by phone to see how the kids were. After 6 months he got a visit to see them. That sounds harsh but they need to concentrate on sobriety not what is going on at home. You both need time to work on yourselves and yes it was difficult for me. I loved him deeply then but things progressed and I don't anymore. I needed to look at the bigger picture..the one in which he didn't become sober and make plans for that. He never did but I hope your husband does.
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Thanks, everyone. I worked yesterday on creating a list of what I think will work. Now, I just have to find the time to talk to him about it. I know I need to eliminate the hanky panky as well as the pop in visits. I guess I have just been grasping for anything I can count as hope...hope that things MAY still work out. I realize (or I am slowly beginning to realize) that this will be a very LONG road and I can't expect any answers or decisions right now. I just hate feeling as though I am stuck in limbo. I guess that is where I need to be better about picking up the pieces and moving on.
I am just so hurt and so heartbroken. Jewelstar: I feel your pain; I hate we are experiencing similar situations. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. All we can do at this point is pray and trust God's plan and timing. I have found some peace knowing that ultimately, God is in control.
I think I saw someone suggest on one thread about making a list of all the wrongs AH has done so that when you start to miss them or doubt asking them to go, you can remember what all they put you through. I think that is what I need to do. I feel like I have been looking for all the positives.....any glimmer of good....and not letting myself truly "feel" the wrong that has been done to me. If anything, I need to grieve the bad so that I can truly forgive and, in doing so.....one day....let go.
I am just so hurt and so heartbroken. Jewelstar: I feel your pain; I hate we are experiencing similar situations. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. All we can do at this point is pray and trust God's plan and timing. I have found some peace knowing that ultimately, God is in control.
I think I saw someone suggest on one thread about making a list of all the wrongs AH has done so that when you start to miss them or doubt asking them to go, you can remember what all they put you through. I think that is what I need to do. I feel like I have been looking for all the positives.....any glimmer of good....and not letting myself truly "feel" the wrong that has been done to me. If anything, I need to grieve the bad so that I can truly forgive and, in doing so.....one day....let go.
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I think I saw someone suggest on one thread about making a list of all the wrongs AH has done so that when you start to miss them or doubt asking them to go, you can remember what all they put you through. I think that is what I need to do.
I blogged on a private blog about all my exah wrong doings, my part in it and how it had made me feel. I blogged all the times he'd let me and my kids down, all the lies I knew about, all the times he had made me feel like nothing...everything went on that blog. It ended up being several years long. I look back on it now and I see how much I've changed. It might be helpful for you too.
I blogged on a private blog about all my exah wrong doings, my part in it and how it had made me feel. I blogged all the times he'd let me and my kids down, all the lies I knew about, all the times he had made me feel like nothing...everything went on that blog. It ended up being several years long. I look back on it now and I see how much I've changed. It might be helpful for you too.
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Why exactly do you need to sit down with him and talk about your boundaries? They are for you, not him. He will learn them as he bumps into them....
I am sure for a very long time you have acted, behaved in a way that put him first. As we begin our own recovery, we learn that it is OK and actually GOOD to put our own needs first. We don't need to ask permission.
It might be worth trying a little experiment of just knowing what your boundaries are, NOT sharing them, sticking to them, and seeing what happens the next time he texts you to come over and you say "no." Just "no." Not, "No, because as we discussed that is boundary."
I am sure for a very long time you have acted, behaved in a way that put him first. As we begin our own recovery, we learn that it is OK and actually GOOD to put our own needs first. We don't need to ask permission.
It might be worth trying a little experiment of just knowing what your boundaries are, NOT sharing them, sticking to them, and seeing what happens the next time he texts you to come over and you say "no." Just "no." Not, "No, because as we discussed that is boundary."
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