JessicaNAJ

My mind keeps telling me that my AH can/will never be the person I need him to be, but my heart tells me otherwise - I keep holding on to this stupid hope that I can somehow convince him to change. I don't mean by his drinking, I've come to terms that I cannot change that. I'm talking about him being there for me emotionally, physically. I know he won't/can't be and I'm insane for thinking I can convince him otherwise - so HOW DO I STOP???? He still manages to turn it on me and my "low self-esteem" that I expect too much.

I want to move on, I'm tired of being in limbo....

cwohio

jessica - it sucks doesn't it!? keep working on yourself and the self-esteem issue you have may get better. that may in turn get your heart thinking in a healthier way,

hugs to you - it sucks to be us sometimes!

journeygal

Jessica,

Someone told me something this weekend that I keep repeating to myself. I can't get this thought out of my head but for once it's a good thought to have.

You are powerless over your husband but when it comes to you, you are powerful.

You can't control his drinking, his actions, or his thinking. But you can control how you think and how you react. You do not have to give your power to your husband. He only has power over you if you let him. Today, you can choose to be hurt by him or you can choose to brush it off. If he's not there for you, find others who will gladly be there. Develop a support system of people who love and accept you and will let you lean on them when you need it. He is just one person and not a very healthy person at that. Don't let his issues affect your self-esteem and don't expect more from him then he is able to give. You can do this, I promise.

Hugs,
JG

gelfling

I am going to copycat jg. Something I learned at a meeting.

"Don't let a sick person run your life".

My mind keeps telling me that my AH can/will never be the person I need him to be, but my heart tells me otherwise -

Question--was he ever the person you needed him to be?

I keep holding on to this stupid hope that I can somehow convince him to change. I don't mean by his drinking, I've come to terms that I cannot change that. I'm talking about him being there for me emotionally, physically. I know he won't/can't be and I'm insane for thinking I can convince him otherwise -

Well hell Jess, you just answered your own question. To add a little to it. In order for him to be there for you in every aspect, the booze must go. He's having a hard enough time functioning now. It would be impossible for him to be any kind of support for you.

so HOW DO I STOP????

You can stop it. It's totally up to you. You control what you want to be a part of your life. Yeah, low self esteem plays an important part, but going to meetings and reading literature on dependency, self esteem, etc. will give you a grander view of how to handle the situation.

He still manages to turn it on me and my "low self-esteem" that I expect too much.

He can only turn it on you if you let him. Same as above. Try ignoring him. Make pretend he's not even there. Which he probably isn't. Physically, emotionally and mentally.

I want to move on, I'm tired of being in limbo....

Get along little doggie, get along. One of the sorriest things about this damned disease is that we always feel that we deserve all the sh** they dish out to us. And we don't. We're probalby the only ones who don't deserve to be treated like this. We're great, supportive people and love everyone. Try loving yourself.

Hugs, Kathy

Cadence57

Eleanor Roosevelt said:
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"

You're stronger than you think.
****{HUGS}}}

andbackagain

JessicaNAJ ...

I have these same issues.

I always tell myself things that I'm absolutely NOT going to do ... and how i'm NOT going to act ... and the more I tell myself I'm not going to do something the more I do it.

I wish I had answers for you. I just wanted to tell you I can relate.

thanks

Shel

I am right there.....I know things should be ove rbut I feel sorry for him ! I just had a 40 min conversation with my brother about him telling me that I don't need this and it is just dragging me down....which I totally agree with ......but for some odd reason I keep thinking..."well maybe if things were....." (you all know what I mean) but I know they won't change unless I chenge them ...and I don't agree with some of the things my children are around.....and it is not horribl ebut they don't need to see him when he is drunk .........thanks for letting me vent and I hear you totally Jessica....take care~

Ann

Jessica

Sorry to be blunt, but this begs the question "What's in this relationship for you?" Even in a relationship where drugs and alcohol have no influence, living with someone who is emotionally and physically unavailable is living in a vacuum. There comes a day when we have to decide if this is how we want to spend the rest of our lives.

You have options, you have a lot of life to still live. Is this how you want to live it? Take time, think about what you want, and then go for it.

Hugs
Ann

StandingStrong

JT replied this to a post of mine when I questioned if I was asking too much about of my AH.
Those words hit home with me!

However, Jessica, I have to agree with what Ann said - What are you getting out of this relationship?
And I'd also like to add: What efforts has he truly made to "connect" with you? If he doesn't really talk to you, share his thoughts, give you comfort, be there for you when you need him to be, etc. Is this the relationship you want? Is this what you feel you are worth?

Ann

Jessica

I didn't mean for my post to sound so blunt, really and I'm sorry. It just struck a nerve and I think it is sad to live that way. Maybe time, maybe communication, maybe something might work for you. If not, then you can make your own choices about what does. You don't have to do anything today, but maybe just think about what works for you.

Hugs
Ann

delabarreda74

I think the hardest part, is that we are compassionate, and loving towards our lovers, and what I have done to protect my heart, is to remove the romantic illusions, that If i love him he'll change, realizing that I was losing my own light and burning in the fires we created, it almost becomes ritualistic when he pampers me after he comes home drunk/stoned, he'll pick me up in his arms, put me to bed and hold me tight, I guess I craved that,....then one day I woke up, and chose life....I realized that I was powerless over his drinking, and that it wasn't about love, we had plenty....it was the sickness, and I was indeed becoming sick in heart and spirit, so I set him free...

I miss him, I dont know where he is, since I removed him from my home, but I now that I am powerful now that i am only responsible for me....

goodluck, I understand....bring the light back!! the brightest lights get the most bugs

JessicaNAJ

I am very grateful for all of your responses. No, he is not meeting my needs in this relationship. I can feel him trying for example, he bought groceries today (only after I repeatedly said, I don't have any money for groceries) he bought us a TV (the old one died), he helped me get the kids ready for Halloween... things like that. But like I was telling him, I feel as if I have to ask him to help and instruct him on what it is I need help with. Why can't he just say, "What can I do to help?" He used to yell at me and tell me he felt like my personal butler, so of course when I ask him for his help I hear that in the back of my mind. Therefore, it adds to my anxiety when I have to ask to get his help.

I told him today, after the grocery store visit, that I hate having to ask him for things. And I don't know how to tell him things I want to tell him (like Don't hang around here so much cause it adds to my anxiety.) Of course, he didn't ask what it was I wanted to say to him but can't, so the subject was dropped.

He thinks just because he hasn't drank in 2+ weeks that he's all of a sudden this great person??? Whatever!!

Is my self-esteem that low? I know I don't need his help physically, but I do need his money. Even if it is $50 a week. I have to feed our kids, buy inhalers for our son, diapers for our daughter. I don't like it that I have to ask him for money. Is this his power over me? Or does it send him mixed messages when I call and ask him to stop by the store to buy diapers. After I pay all the bills we wracked up together, I have $300 a month. Groceries and cleaners, diapers, medicine, lunch money for my son, my cigs (lol), gas... all them little things add up. All he pays is the babysitter and that's only $75 a week (and of course his own debts which he wracked up on his own - thats another thread).

StandingStrong - you always inspire me and your right, I should not accept less of him than what I expect of myself. This definately gives me something I need to think about and work on.

Dee at Mt Bully

Jessica--I think you answered yourself in your own thread. I'm in pretty much the same space and I sure saw some truths in your story that apply to mine. Ann's
comment about living in a vacuum really hit home. If we take away our hopes for our defunct relationship what do we really have. Smiles---Dee

JessicaNAJ

Kathy - you responded to me saying "I want to move on, I'm tired of being in limbo...."

I just wanted to thank you for my first smile today

EndOfRoadWife

Hang in there Jessica....I know what you are going through and I'm right there with ya!!! I left my husband this past year and we were separated for months, only for me to end up right back with him! It's a very bumpy ride!!!! A lot of the problem for me is financial..I work full time and make decent money, but I don't want to lose my house, my Jeep and my kids dance bills are outrageous! I guess it's hard for me to give up my lifestyle but I'm sure it will come to that again...I know I am hurting myself and I know I don't deserve any of this...I just become sooo overwhelmed with the bills that it's like I can't even deal with it...He can be good for a week or so, and then he stays out all night partying...He can't stop once he starts and his "other Personality" takes over..The personality that don't care about me or what he is doing..It's a shame because before 3 years, he was a great husband and father..He was there for us and we meant the world to him...He really was...Once he got back with his friends, my life has completely changed forever..... Good luck! We are all here for ya!!!!

gelfling

Love ya Jess!!!

hope2bhappy

A counselor once told me that God loved my AH much more than I did -- that He was in charge of all things, not me. He told me to close my eyes and envision a large pair of hands (sort of like the Allstate logo) - palms up, ready to hold something. He then told me to envision myself placing my AH in these huge, loving hands. "Let go and turn it over," he would tell me. After practicing this "exercise," it eventually started to work for me. Now, whenever I feel weak, powerless and out of control, I close my eyes, envision these hands and put MYSELF into them.

JessicaNAJ

That's beautiful - thanks for sharing.

cwohio

hope - as jessica said - that is a wonderful analogy and i shall use it! thanks for sharing it with all of us!

Cadence57

I have used this visualization - as a matter of fact, I've been using it daily for the past week or so... I read about it in one of my books a long time ago, and it really does work... there's a lot of symbolism in terms of letting go and turning things over to your HP, and even though I'm not what you'd call "religious" - it still is a very powerful tool when I feel overwhelmed by someone or something.