Crushed and confused

Old 01-16-2018, 10:47 AM
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Crushed and confused

Here is a VERY abbreviated overview of what brought me to this forum:

I've been married for 11 years to my AH. I've known he has a drinking problem for several years, but he is very high functioning. Looking back, I probably became an enabler without knowing it. To say I have put up with a lot and taken blame when I know it wasn't my fault would be a gross understatement. Everything came to a head around the 1st of October. He told me he didn't like who I made him become b/c he always had to lie to me. He told me he wasn't sure if he wanted to be married. I was blindsided, shocked, and devastated. The next 3 months were a nightmare of ups and downs while he was on a frightening binge. I am hurt, angry, and disgusted by his choices and behavior, but I ultimately just want my marriage to work. We have 3 young boys who deserve their daddy.

Well, I know that he isn't capable of giving us what we need right now, so on New Years I told him he needed to go stay somewhere else (this after he drank so much over NYE that I think he scared himself....I think he finally hit rock bottom). He acted shocked (even though he kept telling me he didn't want to be with me) and then got defensive, and then started the blame game. The next day, he had changed his tune. He went to an AA meeting and came home FINALLY admitting that he has problem and he knows he needs help. He admitted that it wasn't my fault and he had been blaming me all along for his actions. He stated he wanted to get help and get better. He has not had a drink since New Year's Day, and has been staying with a good friend (who has had his own struggle with addiction. He is going to AA and has gotten a sponsor. He calls me and texts me, and our interactions seem genuinely friendly. There hasn't been any arguing, and he has come to the last few holiday family gettogethers with my side of the family.

Overall, I am super proud of his efforts but aware the this is VERY early in his recovery. I am unsure of what the future holds, as far as our marriage. More than anything, I want us to work....I miss US. But, right now, I want to support his efforts w/o adding additional stress. I guess, I am looking for suggestions/support for what my role should be right now. How do I support him from a distance? I am struggling with establishing boundaries and knowing what my role should be. Like everyone else, this is not a position I ever thought I would be in. I am crushed and heartbroken; I am hurt and angry. I know I need to be strong for my children and myself. Some days I feel strong, others I feel like I want to curl up under a rock. I don't know what, if anything, I should expect from him. Does he miss me? Does he feel bad? Is he even capable of feeling? He just seems so down in the dumps when I see him....how long before he is even thinking clearly?
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Old 01-16-2018, 10:52 AM
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Welcome!
I am fairly new, but have found a lot of information and support here.

My only suggestion is YOU do YOU (and the kids) and HE does HIM. This sounds contrary to "marriage" and very basic, but worrying about how he's feeling is going to make your mind go crazy.

♥♥
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Old 01-16-2018, 11:40 AM
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So he’s trying AA with a sponsor after you kicked him out of the house, what type of recovery are you doing for you?

Looking back, I probably became an enabler without knowing it.
I think the best way we can support someone attempting sobriety is to fix our own issues and work on ourselves.

If he does happen to change with the help of AA and a recovery program and you have not done anything to change yourself or your own behaviors, how will a relationship work?
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Old 01-16-2018, 12:03 PM
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ingquiringmind....living under the same roof with an newly sober person can be hellacious.....even worse than the original drinking period, itself......
He would benefit from a full year (at least), of living separate to focus on his own sobriety.....
Meanwhile, it gives you time to learn, and to gain more personal insight into yourself and your own needs....and putting your and your children's welfare as the first priority...
There are no gurantees of the marriage...but, it has a better chance if both of you get stable and healthy (and sober).......

If you are interested, there are a couple of books that I can suggest.....

Also....since knowledge is power...I an giving you the following link to our extensive library of articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....
there are enough for you to read an article every day...lol....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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Old 01-16-2018, 01:11 PM
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Hi, inquiringmind.
Welcome to SR.
I know this is a hard thing to do, especially with children, but my recommendation would be for him to stay with his sober friend and work his recovery.
Meantime, you work yours.
Give yourself the gift of a quiet home, no drama, no accusations, no blaming.
You do not need that.
Also give yourself the gift of time.
Though it may seem so now, what with the kids and all, there is no urgency here to get him back in the house.
Read and learn everything you can about the family disease of alcohol addiction, and how families react and respond to the drinker.
Knowledge is power.
I would also say that the children need a dad who will be there for them and their mom, not a big alcohol addicted mess.
That kind of dad is little better than no dad at all.
As an adult child of an alcoholic, I say this with certainty.
Keep coming back. Keep posting.
The advice you get may not be what you want to hear right now, but I can tell you that there is much wisdom and experience on this site, given by people who have been right where you are now.
Here when you need us.
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Old 01-16-2018, 02:37 PM
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Welcome Inquiring Mind. I am so sorry for what brings you here as well as happy you found us.

I second what the others are saying that you need to look at yourself and your own needs. I know it is so contra-intuitive but it is what everyone of us who have been through this have discovered.

You might give Alanon a try. It works for some but not all. Also the book Codependent No More is a bit of a bible around here.

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Old 01-16-2018, 05:59 PM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
So he’s trying AA with a sponsor after you kicked him out of the house, what type of recovery are you doing for you?



I think the best way we can support someone attempting sobriety is to fix our own issues and work on ourselves.

If he does happen to change with the help of AA and a recovery program and you have not done anything to change yourself or your own behaviors, how will a relationship work?
Great point! Thanks! I definitely do need to work on myself....just need to figure out how to best do that. Trying to regain my independence; I was once such a strong, independent woman. I have to find that again.
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Old 01-16-2018, 06:04 PM
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Thanks, dandylion! I would appreciate any book recommendations you have. Thanks for the link, too. I will check it out.

Also, thank you Maudcat and alwaysbekind for your words of wisdom and encouragement.

I am amazed by how much this site and these forums have helped me keep my sanity over the last few weeks. It is comforting to know that there are others who have been in this position and who are able to offer insight. Thank you!
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Old 01-16-2018, 09:25 PM
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inquiringmind......You might find the following books helpful as to what to expect in early recovery....

"Loving someone in Recovery"
"Everything Changes"

You can find them as well as reviews on amazon.com
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Old 01-17-2018, 08:17 AM
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Thank you

[QUOTE=dandylion;6749773]ingquiringmind....living under the same roof with an newly sober person can be hellacious.....even worse than the original drinking period, itself......
He would benefit from a full year (at least), of living separate to focus on his own sobriety.....
Meanwhile, it gives you time to learn, and to gain more personal insight into yourself and your own needs....and putting your and your children's welfare as the first priority...
There are no gurantees of the marriage...but, it has a better chance if both of you get stable and healthy (and sober).......

If you are interested, there are a couple of books that I can suggest.....

Also....since knowledge is power...I an giving you the following link to our extensive library of articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....
there are enough for you to read an article every day...lol....
=======================

Dandylion - Thank you for posting this. I, like InquiringMind, have a RAH who has told me he wanted a separation after about 38 days sober. We still found ourselves fighting here and there about his pre recovery affair and his anger towards my spending/lying about money issues that ultimately had a lot to do with my co-dependence on him and his alcoholism. He has been staying in a hotel and moves into an apt on Friday.

On one hand I'm happy to be rid of the drama, its also annoying me that he's suddenly this wise and holy expert on his disease and that somehow justifies him abandoning myself and our two kids. He has spent a total of 30 min with them in the last 2 weeks.

I know I sound selfish and I should sound excited for his recovery but I'm obviously still angry yet don't want a divorce. He hasn't said the D word yet and I've made it clear I don't want him back in the house any time soon, it still hurts like hell though. He gets to run off to explore himself while I'm left alone to parent the kids more than I was when he was drinking. Your post about separating for at least a year really helped me to remember that nothing is going to improve unless we both get better. It is the right thing to do even though I don't like it.

Have you heard of any success stories about couples reconciling after the separation?

InquiringMind - I so feel your pain. You are NOT alone.
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Old 01-17-2018, 09:55 AM
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Jewelstar...the alcoholics that I have personally known that had stable, good marriages.....had been working a diligent program of recovery for a long time.....
Their sobriety was always their first priority....
It was a life style for them....lol...and they had been willing to do the hard work that was required....it was the center...the grounding of their life.....
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Old 01-17-2018, 03:28 PM
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Jewelstar, it sure seems like we are in the same, exact boat.....trying desperately to stay above water. I am happy my husband is focusing on recovery, but angry about the situation it leaves me in. Home, alone, caring for our house and 3 boys, all while working full time. It is hard and it hurts. While it is easier with him out of the house, I still miss him like crazy, even after all he has put me through. I still miss the marriage I thought we'd have. It just doesn't seem fair and I just can't let go. I am not ready to give up hope.
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Old 01-17-2018, 04:40 PM
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Inquiringmind,
Welcome!
I am a big fan of AlAnon meetings. They are the program meetings for friends and family of alcoholics. I learned so much through AlAnon. I know it's hard to find an hour when you have little ones, but maybe even once a week?

I live in a big city and there were lunchtime meetings near my workplace when I first started going to AlAnon. I loved those meetings - lots of busy people who obviously were keeping so much stuff together and still finding peace of mind through AlAnon. AlaTeen is great for teenagers too - I wish I had known about that when I was in high school.

http://al-anon.org

Peace,
B
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