First Therapy Appt Tonight
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
First Therapy Appt Tonight
I have high hopes for this therapist but that won't matter if he doesn't connect with her somehow as well.
We are going in for a initial joint session, but I'm half-expecting that if we decide to continue, it'll be split between individual sessions for him most of the time & then a joint session monthly or so....... not that I couldn't benefit from the individual therapy hours myself, but since cost is a factor we really need to get the best bang for our bucks. It might make sense for him to go weekly & then us monthly. We'll see.
I'm trying to keep my expectations low & achievable - at this point I'm pretty sure we can't even communicate our way through divorce proceedings, so if we can manage a common language to help us through the most basic communications, I'd be pretty happy. Right now we have different labels & definitions for almost everything so it's impossible to ever be on the same page entirely. We could not be further apart as people, it's amazing how big the chasm between us has gotten with each of us walking in opposite directions for so long.
Wish me luck.
We are going in for a initial joint session, but I'm half-expecting that if we decide to continue, it'll be split between individual sessions for him most of the time & then a joint session monthly or so....... not that I couldn't benefit from the individual therapy hours myself, but since cost is a factor we really need to get the best bang for our bucks. It might make sense for him to go weekly & then us monthly. We'll see.
I'm trying to keep my expectations low & achievable - at this point I'm pretty sure we can't even communicate our way through divorce proceedings, so if we can manage a common language to help us through the most basic communications, I'd be pretty happy. Right now we have different labels & definitions for almost everything so it's impossible to ever be on the same page entirely. We could not be further apart as people, it's amazing how big the chasm between us has gotten with each of us walking in opposite directions for so long.
Wish me luck.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Yeah - it's definitely the worst it's ever been, I doubt he'd disagree.
Right now he's seemingly committed to "change" and over the last 2 weeks he's done well with better accountability, as well as catching up on SO MUCH STUFF he's let go around our house/family. (But, ya know....
........)
(I'm also sensing some expectation from him that he's going to try to dictate my social life in some way now, because of his own insecurities..... um, not likely dude... take your leash back, it doesn't fit me.)
We spent most of the last 2 weeks physically purging our property & cleaning up years of neglect that I've not been able to manage on my own. I spent 2 straight days burning old woodpiles & trees/limbs we're finally able to gather off the property following Hurricane Irma.
We also have a FULL week of activities & meetings as a family for DD's scholarship. It's going to be a week full of pasted-on smiles & FakeBook versions of ourselves for DD's sake. She worked TOO Hard for this opportunity for us to embarrass her or blow it altogether.... and that's a big part of his motivation here too. He's understanding that she's REALLY growing up & leaving soon. She's only 13 but will be spending a month out of town at college this summer & until recently, we were seriously considering a private high school for her for next year - she would've been moving away right after her summer sessions..... then, each year these summer programs will expand. This is the beginning of tremendous independence & opportunity for her.... I've been talking forever about how that translates to MY freedom too & I think it's got him scared. Again, whoopdeedoo....
Basically, right now I'm taking every bit of help he's willing to follow through with - financial & otherwise. I have no idea if we will ever be able to reconcile things between us but I'm determined to be in a better position all around no matter what.
Right now he's seemingly committed to "change" and over the last 2 weeks he's done well with better accountability, as well as catching up on SO MUCH STUFF he's let go around our house/family. (But, ya know....
........)(I'm also sensing some expectation from him that he's going to try to dictate my social life in some way now, because of his own insecurities..... um, not likely dude... take your leash back, it doesn't fit me.)
We spent most of the last 2 weeks physically purging our property & cleaning up years of neglect that I've not been able to manage on my own. I spent 2 straight days burning old woodpiles & trees/limbs we're finally able to gather off the property following Hurricane Irma.
We also have a FULL week of activities & meetings as a family for DD's scholarship. It's going to be a week full of pasted-on smiles & FakeBook versions of ourselves for DD's sake. She worked TOO Hard for this opportunity for us to embarrass her or blow it altogether.... and that's a big part of his motivation here too. He's understanding that she's REALLY growing up & leaving soon. She's only 13 but will be spending a month out of town at college this summer & until recently, we were seriously considering a private high school for her for next year - she would've been moving away right after her summer sessions..... then, each year these summer programs will expand. This is the beginning of tremendous independence & opportunity for her.... I've been talking forever about how that translates to MY freedom too & I think it's got him scared. Again, whoopdeedoo....
Basically, right now I'm taking every bit of help he's willing to follow through with - financial & otherwise. I have no idea if we will ever be able to reconcile things between us but I'm determined to be in a better position all around no matter what.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Wishing you much luck FireSprite,
but I have to say, reading your posts over the
last year or two, you are doing well and possess
highly developed coping skills. You will
come through this intact and with even more
insight and ability to guide yourself.
My thoughts & prayers are with you.
but I have to say, reading your posts over the
last year or two, you are doing well and possess
highly developed coping skills. You will
come through this intact and with even more
insight and ability to guide yourself.
My thoughts & prayers are with you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 199
Originally Posted by FireSprite 
(I'm also sensing some expectation from him that he's going to try to dictate my social life in some way now, because of his own insecurities..... um, not likely dude... take your leash back, it doesn't fit me.)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Thanks guys - I think it went as well as could be expected for a first appointment. We both arrived half an hour early so that was interesting (he's Mr. Last Minute or Mr. No Show) and a little awkward. Lots of polite time to kill, but we did OK.
I think we established pretty clearly to her just how far apart we are currently (years of walking in entirely separate directions) & how far apart we are in believing it can be "fixed". (He's all in, I can't even see next month)
I was right about the need for individual therapy in addition to joint sessions - but didn't anticipate that my anger would earn me the first appt. Well, I didn't see it until we were there, sitting in her office, filling out our separate questionnaires about the state of our relationship. I half expected this exercise, but was still caught off guard at my answers or inability TO answer some of the questions. (i.e. "Problems aside - what do you consider your strengths as a couple?".... um, what? When was the last time we interacted in life as a couple?)
I saw my anger building in my own handwriting as I watched the paper fill in. "What is something you can do on your side of things regardless of what your spouse chooses to do going forward?" Um, Walk. Away. "What have you already done in terms of therapy for yourself?" Far more than I can list in this little section on this form - it might be easier for you to read my SR postings.
And I've been holding back a lot especially these last couple of weeks - waiting for a forum where I can be Heard, finally.... so certainly things geyser-ed up & out at moments. That's one of our many communication breakdowns - when he never really hears me, he can never truly make amends or change that behavior going forward. When he DOES hear me, his first efforts are always to minimize it in order to make it more palatable to him. (This. Infuriates. Me. because he essentially invalidates my feelings over & over.)
It was nice having a 3rd party to bear witness to it all - I'm not looking for a superhero to champion my side, but SO MUCH of what I say gets lost when we interact that I either shut down & just stop engaging (90%), or I feel pushed too far, my anger takes hold (10%) and I add fuel to the burning fire.
He also brings out a side in me that does not exist in any other part of my life, at any other time. I take tone & posture & an authoritarian stance that is unnatural to me & that others wouldn't even recognize - it's an absolute reflection of his treatment toward me. Even he could recognize that this is not who I AM (or ever have been) but who I've become in relation to him specifically. It's that anger - front & center. I'm angry with him & FURIOUS with myself for tolerating him on any level, even while I recognize that I wouldn't change anything, even knowing what I know. Everything I did was for DD's benefit - I regret nothing except feeling powerless & victimized.
An interesting takeaway was when she asked "could we agree that we both have done things that we need to apologize for" & while I agreed somewhat (I am always responsible for my reactions even if I have never acted maliciously) he disagreed and told her that I had never done anything to him that he felt he was owed apologies for, and that everything that has gone wrong for & with him is on his side of the fence entirely - it has nothing to do with me even when I'm the most affected. That this is a big part of his shame - having hurt someone so undeserving of it.
We talked just enough about old-old stuff under the surface of all of this that it opened his eyes a bit to the longer patterns & cycles he was refusing to see. A glimpse of just HOW FAR back & HOW MUCH work there is to do. I shared a few examples that made him balk at first but then realize he had that reaction to my truth because he minimized it at the time so much so that he disappeared it as a factor in the overall picture.
We each scheduled an individual appt - financially we can only afford to do one appt per week, so we'll rotate individual-ind-joint, every 3 weeks for the time being. Afterward he texted me & thanked me for showing up & trying. I feel better - lighter- in ways we probably only get from unburdening ourselves in a forum like that & emotionally exhausted between the pull of this & the push to prepare for DD's activities this week.
I think we established pretty clearly to her just how far apart we are currently (years of walking in entirely separate directions) & how far apart we are in believing it can be "fixed". (He's all in, I can't even see next month)
I was right about the need for individual therapy in addition to joint sessions - but didn't anticipate that my anger would earn me the first appt. Well, I didn't see it until we were there, sitting in her office, filling out our separate questionnaires about the state of our relationship. I half expected this exercise, but was still caught off guard at my answers or inability TO answer some of the questions. (i.e. "Problems aside - what do you consider your strengths as a couple?".... um, what? When was the last time we interacted in life as a couple?)
I saw my anger building in my own handwriting as I watched the paper fill in. "What is something you can do on your side of things regardless of what your spouse chooses to do going forward?" Um, Walk. Away. "What have you already done in terms of therapy for yourself?" Far more than I can list in this little section on this form - it might be easier for you to read my SR postings.
And I've been holding back a lot especially these last couple of weeks - waiting for a forum where I can be Heard, finally.... so certainly things geyser-ed up & out at moments. That's one of our many communication breakdowns - when he never really hears me, he can never truly make amends or change that behavior going forward. When he DOES hear me, his first efforts are always to minimize it in order to make it more palatable to him. (This. Infuriates. Me. because he essentially invalidates my feelings over & over.)
It was nice having a 3rd party to bear witness to it all - I'm not looking for a superhero to champion my side, but SO MUCH of what I say gets lost when we interact that I either shut down & just stop engaging (90%), or I feel pushed too far, my anger takes hold (10%) and I add fuel to the burning fire.
He also brings out a side in me that does not exist in any other part of my life, at any other time. I take tone & posture & an authoritarian stance that is unnatural to me & that others wouldn't even recognize - it's an absolute reflection of his treatment toward me. Even he could recognize that this is not who I AM (or ever have been) but who I've become in relation to him specifically. It's that anger - front & center. I'm angry with him & FURIOUS with myself for tolerating him on any level, even while I recognize that I wouldn't change anything, even knowing what I know. Everything I did was for DD's benefit - I regret nothing except feeling powerless & victimized.
An interesting takeaway was when she asked "could we agree that we both have done things that we need to apologize for" & while I agreed somewhat (I am always responsible for my reactions even if I have never acted maliciously) he disagreed and told her that I had never done anything to him that he felt he was owed apologies for, and that everything that has gone wrong for & with him is on his side of the fence entirely - it has nothing to do with me even when I'm the most affected. That this is a big part of his shame - having hurt someone so undeserving of it.
We talked just enough about old-old stuff under the surface of all of this that it opened his eyes a bit to the longer patterns & cycles he was refusing to see. A glimpse of just HOW FAR back & HOW MUCH work there is to do. I shared a few examples that made him balk at first but then realize he had that reaction to my truth because he minimized it at the time so much so that he disappeared it as a factor in the overall picture.
We each scheduled an individual appt - financially we can only afford to do one appt per week, so we'll rotate individual-ind-joint, every 3 weeks for the time being. Afterward he texted me & thanked me for showing up & trying. I feel better - lighter- in ways we probably only get from unburdening ourselves in a forum like that & emotionally exhausted between the pull of this & the push to prepare for DD's activities this week.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
This is good FS. Therapy helps a person grow if they are willing, and being accepting of your own behaviors are first to make that happen. It does sound like he owns that behavior, so that's good. No matter the outcome, you share a wonderful daughter and will forever, so going to therapy to help become the best you can be....is a great thing.
Big hugs!
Big hugs!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I also anticipate issues this coming Saturday because I honestly think he expects me to change my standing 3rd-Saturday-of-the-month plans with my friends to adjust to his new schedule/opinions... but he won't say it outright like that. He's alluded to "not being ok" with my plans in a moment of anger when the topic came up but won't bring it up again on it's own until Saturday itself rolls around. His own schedule prevents him from joining me & that's his problem, just like his jealousy itself is not my monkey.
Last weekend when he was trying to figure out what my plans were for something far less combative, he texted me but I was in meetings for about an hour or so & couldn't respond..... so he texted my BFF/sidekick & asked her all about it in the meantime. She's learned this lesson already & told him to go back to the Source if he wants Intel.
See? Leash. No.
Last weekend when he was trying to figure out what my plans were for something far less combative, he texted me but I was in meetings for about an hour or so & couldn't respond..... so he texted my BFF/sidekick & asked her all about it in the meantime. She's learned this lesson already & told him to go back to the Source if he wants Intel.
See? Leash. No.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh gosh. That is a big issue.
My XAH hated when I went out and did things, although he did not want to go either LOL. Basically, you stay here at home while I stay at home and drink. Nope. No. No. No. Even when I did go do things, it was constant texting me when would I be home, what was I doing, even just texts to distract me. Ugh. Glad I don't have to deal with that anymore.
NO LEASHES ALLOWED!!!!!
My XAH hated when I went out and did things, although he did not want to go either LOL. Basically, you stay here at home while I stay at home and drink. Nope. No. No. No. Even when I did go do things, it was constant texting me when would I be home, what was I doing, even just texts to distract me. Ugh. Glad I don't have to deal with that anymore.
NO LEASHES ALLOWED!!!!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Firesprite......this is just a hunch...me, spit balling, again....but, I get a feeling that you feel a deep obligation to force a square peg (you) into a round hole--him/the relationship........?
You will know what I am talking about here, I think---I have lived in a living arrangement with a very good person who has adult adhd (untreated).....(not a romantic relationship). It worked. for the most part---because I was aware enough to do the adjusting to the condition....no adjusting on his part...
But, I can assure you, that, if it were an intimate relationship.....there is absolutely no way....I would have gone batty! It could never have met what I need in a relationship.....
You will know what I am talking about here, I think---I have lived in a living arrangement with a very good person who has adult adhd (untreated).....(not a romantic relationship). It worked. for the most part---because I was aware enough to do the adjusting to the condition....no adjusting on his part...
But, I can assure you, that, if it were an intimate relationship.....there is absolutely no way....I would have gone batty! It could never have met what I need in a relationship.....
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Firesprite......this is just a hunch...me, spit balling, again....but, I get a feeling that you feel a deep obligation to force a square peg (you) into a round hole--him/the relationship........?
Forgive me for butting in, but I was thinking the same thing.
((((HUGS))))
COD
Forgive me for butting in, but I was thinking the same thing.
((((HUGS))))
COD
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