Jess1998

I really don't know what to say. I've been a heavy drinker for 2 years and I've really ****** up my life and want to get back on track. So I'm admitting I'm an alcoholic. I'm 2 days clean and it feels like a life time. I remember the stupid **** I've done while drunk and how much I've hurt people and it makes me want to drink even more. I can't go to a facility for help because I've been able to keep it a secret. When people saw me drunk they assumed I was sleep deprived because that's how I acted and I didn't bother to correct them. I can't go back and apologize either because if I do I'll be kicked out of my house for drinking. The worst part is my mom is a huge alcoholic, always has been one. She's functioning but I've wanted her to stop forever. But I can't stop her if I don't stop. I want to stop feeling guilty and shameful and lead a normal life. I just feel so alone.

Mavie

I'm with you: Day 2. It's been hard so far but exhilarating also. I have had this forum up on my pc all morning while I work to remind myself why I quit.

I have a job that is high-stress/ demanding, but fairly flexible as to where I do it. Today, I would have left early (about 10 or 10:30), headed home and dropped by the liquor store to grab a couple shooters on the way. I'd have told myself, "It's just two, No more today." But by the time dinner rolled around, I'd be half-way into a bottle of wine. Or worse, I'd have bought a fifth at the store before going home to work.

Today, I am in my office. I am not leaving until it's time. And I am not going to stop at that damn store no matter how much I want to. But right now, I'm focusing on my work and getting through the next hour of my day.

I think they say that the first step is admitting you have a problem. You are already on the right path.

WE CAN DO THIS.

anxiousrock

If you can’t go to a treatment, go to AA. Excellent support group and it’s generally only an hour, so you can just say you’re going to a meeting or something. Which is true.

DreamCatcher17

Welcome Jess,

You will find a load of support here!

Most of us have gone through what you have.

I found for me, AA seems to be the best. I find the most growth internally with the program. And everyone else there is there for the same reason, so I don't feel judged.

Many others have stopped and stayed that way using other programs, or just changing habits.

Do what is right for you, but know for today you can and will remain sober!

Blessings,
DC

DarklingSong

Welcome Jess. Day 2 is usually pretty horrific in my experience. Some more sober days will reduce the intensity of those feelings. It gets better!
You are not alone, many people here in the SR community have been through those feelings......it will pass if you stay sober. Keep posting; it helps!
Best wishes
DS

ProfessorD

welcome! I can tell you're in a lot of pain. I think your instinct is right to focus on yourself. Then you can help your mom down the line. But ultimately, it has to start with you. That's my two cents! Everyone here is smart and has a lot of great advice.

nova84

You're not alone Jess...you have us here at SR 💜 great job on 2 days 👍I found it took awhile to overcome the guilt and shame...but with every sober day and every positive step I take, I move further and further away from 'that person...you may just need the passing of time. Wishing you well on your recovery journey x

nova84

Mavie...I found driving a different route home from work helped break the association of stopping off for drink on the way home x

Hevyn

Jess - I'm so glad you found us. You're in an encouraging & friendly place. We've all been there & understand.

Feeling shame and guilt in the early days of quitting is very hard to cope with. It almost led me back to drinking a couple times. As the fog lifts, bad memories surface - but please be kind to yourself & focus on healing. The person who behaved that way was not the real Jess. You can stay free of it & have a whole new life. Congrats on your 2 days. Be proud.

Jess1998

Oh my gosh I'm literally crying as I read these comments. It feels so good to not be alone in this thing. Everytime I start to feel shameful I just read the comments and just thank you

nova84

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Dee74

Welcome Jess - you're among friends here
SR has helped me stay sober - I know we can help you too - you're not alone

Jesykah03

Hi Jess,

I'm new here and was reading the threads. Out of all I related to yours. 1- I'm also a
Jes, 2- I have f***ed up my life as well 3- My father is also an alcoholic and I wish he'd also get help.

As of now I am on day 3 of being sober. Sadly I didn't Choose sobriety it was court ordered. I have to have an in home monitor. I have to blow a sample 3 times a day. That i had to start on Monday, so i had a weekend binger. So far I'm lucky it's only required for 90 days, but now that that I'm thinking a bit clearer, I can't deny to myself which I have been for a long time that I am an alcoholic. I realize just how bad it was getting. On my way to work I'd stop for a drink during my break I'd go to the liquor store and buy my bottle of vodka for my liquid lunch and for after work until I'd pass out.

Today we had bad weather, my co workers are aware of my probation. My supervisor said ok girls if the roads are too icy y'all can just come to my house and we can day drink. She immediately looked me and said I'm so sorry. I said it's ok. It's only 88 more days. Now that's all I can think.. not the 88 days left, nor am I having a craving, but what if I relapse and start back up again.

Outonthetiles

For the first few months after getting sober I actually used to flip off the various stores I used to buy beer and vodka at every night after work as I drove by.