nonnie6

I am a mother of 4. My son who is 32 and has been an alcoholic for the the past 8 maybe 9 years. He has also tried most of the "drugs" out there but his drug of choice seems to be alcohol. He has been in and out of many rehabs, treatment centers, mental hospitals, medical hospitals, jail...he has developed alcohol induced psychosis...where when he drinks at all, he has hallucinations and is very delusional. Within the past year he has become very aggressive and mean when he drinks, and he has tried to commit suicide several times when he is in a drunken stupor. I have 2 younger daughters, 21 and 19...the 19 year old still lives with me. My son works for himself and does very well, when he isn't drinking. He had his own home and a couple of nice trucks but during a drinking binge last summer he assaulted his neighbors and got thrown out of his house. After spending some time in jail for the assault charges, and because I refused to bail him out...he moved into our house. Our rules were that he could not drink as long as he lived with us and that when his trial was over...he would need to find his own place again. He relapsed about 2 months ago and I had to make him leave...he came home from being gone for 3 days, very intoxicated, proceeded to verbally attack me and then my 19 year old. I had no choice but to make him leave. He basically terrorized me for several days...calling nonstop, coming to my house, beating on the doors...My husband, his stepdad, finally had to get involved and told him to leave me alone or he would have to have him arrested. My son was terribly angry with my husband and blamed him. Eventually my son stayed away...he was living in an extended stay. He tried every form of manipulation to get back into our home but I stayed firm for about 6 weeks...then I get a call that he has been arrested, again, for trying to attack an elderly man at the extended stay. However, he wasn't in jail...he was in the hospital. Of course, I was concerned, so I went to the hospital and he talked me into letting him move back into my home...not a smart move. He had been here for about 6 weeks was doing really great, working, taking care of his legal problems, he said...very nice to me and his sister and my husband...helped out at the house...seemed like my son again. Me and my husband went on a much needed vacation after the holidays and 2 days into our trip, at 1:30 in the morning, my phone rings, I immediately freeze because, of course, I pretty much know it has something to do with my son. Sure enough it is my 21 year old daughter, she is at my house with her sister...who was staying with her while I was gone and my son is beyond drunk. They have had to call the police because, once again, he decided to verbally attack both of them...
I asked him to leave the next morning...he refused...
Me and my husband had to come home and make him leave.
He has been gone since last friday and I have blocked him from my life...social media, phone...I told him that he wasn't welcome in my home again until he proved to me that he was done with alcohol. I cannot have him here abusing his little sister. She has developed panic attacks from all of this. I have had panic and anxiety attacks for years. It is a very frightening thing to deal with someone like this...and it turns the person you love so dearly into a stranger. My son was the light of my life growing up...very intelligent, funny, happy, loving, so kind...what happened? Why, why, why can't he see how this is hurting all of us...the whole family has suffered greatly. To top it all off...he hates my husband and blames him for me making him leave. My husband has been nothing but nice to my son, has helped him in so many, many ways and still would be, if the drinking hadn't started again. These were MY CHOICES!! My son left me with no other choice but to make him leave. It hurts me to think of him alone somewhere...drunk and maybe drugged...but I just can't do it anymore!! I am sad but at least i'm not terrified to live in my own home. I do come in and lock the doors and close the blinds...hide away I guess...how sad is that? But it has come to the point that I don't trust my son anymore and I feel like he is a stranger! I know I did all I could...and this is not easy...I pray all the time that God will protect him...I do know I did the right thing. Has anyone else out there been through something similar. How do you find peace again, I am so sad and so concerned about him but I don't know anything else that I can do...Prayer is all that I can do.

hopeful4

Oh friend, I am so sorry.

I would say this is time to get you and your daughter into therapy, and focus on taking care of yourselves. You have done all you could. He had opportunity to do the right thing and made the choice to pick up and emotionally abuse your daughter. Most times, emotional abuse is worse than physical or just as bad. Please, please get yourselves help and do not let him come back into your house, ever to live. A grown man of 32 needs to find his own way. Having him live there is just enabling him. That is just my opinion of course.

Please, please get help, especially for your daughter. Big hugs!

ardy

Dear Heart Mom of a million tries and hopes and tears and love.. one of the things they never told us growing up.. is how to handle the child that can not be an adult that makes sense.. wish there was something I could tell you a help a hint something anything.. I am married to a problem like this. but after 26 years have with the help of Doctors found the pill that helps so much.. for his brain..... Eddie Lee will never be totally balanced. but I have my hubby for several hours at a time in a balance of sorts..

Dear Heart I have to say this .. as a Mom to another Mom.. its not going to get better.. and by the sound of it. I would believe he has a huge problem in his brain... with everything that he has done to himself over the years the areas of the brain are shutting off.... we have this great computer in our head that does so much for us.. I am just wondering if they have ever done the scan of the working brain .. and then can they do another in a month to compare it. for working levels....

as a Mom I need a huge tissue and coffee and cookie to share with you.. you stay here and hold on to these great people love for as a Mom you need this group so much.. love prayers and hope from another Mom...

Bekindalways

Hi Nonnie. You really have been through the wringer. The wringer and the roller coaster as it sounds like he did achieve a bit of sobriety here and there.

Have you been to Alanon? It isn't for everyone but works for some.

Big hug and take care of yourself and your family.

SparkleKitty

Nonnie, he's 32, and an adult. Even under the best of circumstances with no addiction involved, it would be perfectly natural that you should not have him living with you ever again. As it is, he has shown you time and time again that he does not respect your boundaries when he is living in your home. That option should be taken off the table forever, whether or not he finds recovery.

atalose

It’s ok to feel sad, you made a heart wrenching decision but a healthy one for yourself, your family and even for him.

I agree, get the family together if you can and set up an appointment for some counseling. Alcoholism is a family disease and affects each one of you. Your kids may not understand how heart wrenching this final decision is for you. They may only see that the decision was not made sooner and how that has affected them. They may have resentments build up and see your sorrow as still only focusing on the alcoholic and not them. Lots of family members hold it all in and don’t know or understand the complex feelings and emotions involved. When we tend to focus only on our own feelings or focus only on the alcoholic we leave other out unintentionally.

nonnie6

Thank you all for your advice and or opinions....I needed to read them all. Yes it was high time that I made this decision permanent. I have been going to some al anon meetings and they do help tremendously!! Wonderful people in those meetings that understand my pain. It is so hard to talk to another parent, that hasn't been through this. There is just no way anyone can understand the depth of the pain and the times that I myself, thought I might be going crazy. I know for certain, that my alcoholic son has taken most of my time, energy, money, jobs, 2 marriages...homes, cars...it is amazing when I look back, at how much I and my family have lost over me trying to rescue someone...an adult...that doesn't even want to be rescued!! I am so sorry that I didn't see it sooner!! This addiction has played havoc on my whole life!! and sadly to say...the lives of my other children. I will get my youngest counseling and my other 2 girls are in agreement to go to Al-anon meetings with me. I can't thank you all enough for your help today. I woke up extremely down...I was trying to make myself work and exercise and do things that make ME feel good...but nothing was working until I poured my heart out on this site. You are all in my prayers!! I know none of us would be here if the choice was ours to make....

dandylion

nonnie....Letting go--and Letting God---will help you get through so many difficult days!
You won't stop loving...but, you can still love from a distance....

CRRHCC

Hello Nonnie,
My son's drug of choice was heroin. It affects the entire family. He needs professional help (to understand why he drinks and what he can do about it) and you and your husband need help. Don't give up hoping and praying. I have messaged you privately as well.

CRRHCC

As an addendum to my prior post, most if not all of us feel overwhelmed and somewhat helpless to help you. One way we as readers, regain control over our feelings, our emotions, is with direct healthy behavior like writing to empathize with you. There is no doubt that your son has circumstances in his life, that are very important to him, that make him feel emotionally, helpless, powerless and lacking control. He drinks to regain control of his feelings. I spent 44 years doing this before I learned to empower myself with direct healthy thinking, values and behavior.

Hawkeye13

At this point, please take care of you and your family.

He has a right to choose to drink, but no right to inflict it on
all of you for the rest of your lives.

hopeful4

nonnie, you are so right! I am glad that we can pick each other up here at SR. I am also glad you are enforcing your own rules and boundaries, and that you are doing things for you and your other children to be well. It's ok to love you son from afar, it does not mean you love him any less.