3 months after rehab
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 55
3 months after rehab
Good lord has it really been that long already?
It is roughly 3 months since Mrs Sectus came out of rehab. A lot has changed. Reading back what I posted here, I am astonished by how much, and how... profound the changes are. I have changed. Mrs Sectus has changed. Our relationship has changed. And a lot of those changes had nothing to do with alcoholism.
It is difficult to put into words. I guess one thing that has changed is that some of the fear-based reactivity has gone out of our relationship. When Mrs Sectus gets upset, or has a problem, I still want to help her and comfort her. But that sense of threat, that fear, that need to control the way she deals with things has receded. Her problem is her problem, and I can actually listen and offer support and empathy, rather than feel like solving it for her is vital to my well-being. I do not have to be angry at myself for not having a solution. I do not have to be angry at her because I do not have a solution.
There really was something very selfish about my codependency. It was as if I was trying to almost appropriate problems, rather than to offer genuine empathy and support. Understandable, as her choices were disrupting our life, and the fear and anger conditioned reflexes in me the way pain and fear tend to do. But nevertheless it was extremely anti-constructive. That part of me was part of the problem, not the solution.
Trust is the other side of the same coin. Or rather, the ability to disentangle and trust seem to be mutual catalysts. Because Mrs S's choices are no longer such a threat to me, I am able to trust her more and more. Because I am able to trust her more and more, I feel less frightened by her choices.
The result is pretty amazing. I feel... free. I no longer feel compelled to do things or be silent about things because it might rock the boat. I am free from the resentment that I used to feel when I did things because I felt other people wanted or needed me to do them (but never asked of me).
My relationship is no longer a precariously constructed life-raft that can fall apart at any moment if I relax. My own flaws are no longer a source of intense self-loathing and inadequacy. It is fine to have some: the world is not going to end because I am occasionally insensitive, or lazy, or whatever. As long as I do my best to do my best, I can trust the people around me to be strong and smart enough to mitigate my mistakes.
I appreciate Mrs Sectus a lot more. When she does something nice, I do not tally it against her mistakes anymore in a sort of weird negative arithmetic of resentment. Her good qualities no longer need to be compatible with a view of myself as some kind of martyr. They are just... good qualities that I can enjoy and appreciate.
There are still ups and downs. There are still problems to tackle. And no doubt we will encounter some more pitfalls and have more work to do. But we were both forced to become much more aware of how we feel and work, and it has changed us. I really feel we have matured, emotionally. And so has our relationship.
What I feel towards her now is warmer. Better. Less obsessive, and more loving. And I know she feels the same way.
Rehab was tough and stressful and sobriety is bloody hard work, but damn... I never thought this was possible. Peace, and love, and trust - both in myself and in her. I reckon we are going to do this.
It is roughly 3 months since Mrs Sectus came out of rehab. A lot has changed. Reading back what I posted here, I am astonished by how much, and how... profound the changes are. I have changed. Mrs Sectus has changed. Our relationship has changed. And a lot of those changes had nothing to do with alcoholism.
It is difficult to put into words. I guess one thing that has changed is that some of the fear-based reactivity has gone out of our relationship. When Mrs Sectus gets upset, or has a problem, I still want to help her and comfort her. But that sense of threat, that fear, that need to control the way she deals with things has receded. Her problem is her problem, and I can actually listen and offer support and empathy, rather than feel like solving it for her is vital to my well-being. I do not have to be angry at myself for not having a solution. I do not have to be angry at her because I do not have a solution.
There really was something very selfish about my codependency. It was as if I was trying to almost appropriate problems, rather than to offer genuine empathy and support. Understandable, as her choices were disrupting our life, and the fear and anger conditioned reflexes in me the way pain and fear tend to do. But nevertheless it was extremely anti-constructive. That part of me was part of the problem, not the solution.
Trust is the other side of the same coin. Or rather, the ability to disentangle and trust seem to be mutual catalysts. Because Mrs S's choices are no longer such a threat to me, I am able to trust her more and more. Because I am able to trust her more and more, I feel less frightened by her choices.
The result is pretty amazing. I feel... free. I no longer feel compelled to do things or be silent about things because it might rock the boat. I am free from the resentment that I used to feel when I did things because I felt other people wanted or needed me to do them (but never asked of me).
My relationship is no longer a precariously constructed life-raft that can fall apart at any moment if I relax. My own flaws are no longer a source of intense self-loathing and inadequacy. It is fine to have some: the world is not going to end because I am occasionally insensitive, or lazy, or whatever. As long as I do my best to do my best, I can trust the people around me to be strong and smart enough to mitigate my mistakes.
I appreciate Mrs Sectus a lot more. When she does something nice, I do not tally it against her mistakes anymore in a sort of weird negative arithmetic of resentment. Her good qualities no longer need to be compatible with a view of myself as some kind of martyr. They are just... good qualities that I can enjoy and appreciate.
There are still ups and downs. There are still problems to tackle. And no doubt we will encounter some more pitfalls and have more work to do. But we were both forced to become much more aware of how we feel and work, and it has changed us. I really feel we have matured, emotionally. And so has our relationship.
What I feel towards her now is warmer. Better. Less obsessive, and more loving. And I know she feels the same way.
Rehab was tough and stressful and sobriety is bloody hard work, but damn... I never thought this was possible. Peace, and love, and trust - both in myself and in her. I reckon we are going to do this.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
