TLC

I've been off line for a number of months. After awhile, he resurfaced with the "promise" of sobriety/recovery program etc etc etc

Apprehensive, but stayed very cautious but optimistic.

He lasted a couple of months, then started to find ways of hiding his using. I danced with him (regrettably) around calling him on his using and his denying it. Restating the boundaries, making my point of what wouldn't work for me. But actually, the dance itself, the negotiating was just a way to delay and keep me moving the line. He kept getting away with it all, keeping me in play. Why did I fall back in?

After telling him I wouldn't pretend he wasn't drinking and required sobriety and honesty. This was it! No more dance! Of which he quickly agreed to. Then he increased "picking me apart", putting me down, blaming me for not giving him a happy relationship, I was told numerous times all the things I didn't do anymore and how "unloving" I had become.

Unloving? After all I was putting up with in the "name of love and support". It hurt! How foolish I've been. And, I knew better.

The more I hold him accountable, the more he finds wrong with me and insults increase. He slipped again (actually I don't think any of it was slipping, it was just getting caught), For the last time, I said I expect sobriety and honesty. If he can't do that then don't know what else we have. He sent one last text to say I was unloving for condemning him and goodbye. Haven't heard anything since (1 week).

In part I am relieved and actually grateful that I am "out" again.I know I don't want this life. Yet the impact of the hurt comes in waves, pulling on me and is really hard. Crazy as it seems, why would anyone feel awful to lose such abuse and unhealthy relationship? But its hard to feel so unimportant to someone that was suppose to love as he quickly seeks the company of other women.

It feels like he just needs things to numb him or "fill him up with good feelings", it doesn't matter where that comes from and anything to the contrary just gets in the way of the next fix (person, sex or drink).

I know I deserve so much better. I will endure and build a better life without him. I will NOT go back. I also know it takes time to build the strength and get to the other side of the pain. But its really hard at times to stay strong and look forward. Its mainly in the first moment of waking up that the reality hits me so hard.

I admire those that have overcome and are further on the journey. I look forward to that day.

dandylion

TLC.....it takes time to grieve the loss of something that you have invested a part of yourself into....like weeks to months.....or more...depending on the person....
If a part of you has still clung to the hope that you had for the relationship....perhaps you haven't completely let go, yet....even when one does--one still has to grieve....
the pain of grieving can be shocking in it's intensity...

I recently read about the rules in the addiction handbook....
Rule 1. Lie and deny
Rule 2. Make sure to blame everything on someone else
Rule 3. Repeat rule one and two

AnvilheadII

let's look at it from his side as best we can - he's always been a pretty lousy boyfriend, but you stuck by him. you helped him out financially. he drank and did stupid things, but you stuck by him. he was seeing other women, but you stuck by him. he goes away, comes back, and you re-engage in the dance. he's still drinking, it's still an issue, but you are still THERE. and he's still seeing other women, or god knows what.

as long as he believes you will take him back, let him get away with anything, he's not letting you go. hell no, it's too much of a treat for his ego. i treat her poorly, always have i drink too much, always have, i am not faithful, never have been, but there she is...........ready to sign up for more.......in the name of love. ha, go me.

he's a user and abuser, not just of drugs or alcohol, but people too. he'll feed off whoever will let him, as long as he can, doing whatever it takes to keep the supply going.

maia1234

TLC,
You know what you need to do!! Cut Contact. Been there done that!!

Follow through, block his number. I know you still care about him, but some people just aren't good for us even if we love them and they love us.

Feel the emotions, the ups and downs as this is part of recovery. It is painful for all of us, but we can get over it. Sending strength and hope that you don't "open" his box again. Hugs!!

Nata1980

While active addicts or sober drunks often take on personality disorder qualities, there is more going on wit this guy

He is bad news, go no contact.

I thank the universe every day for finally giving me clarity.


Good luck, you can do this!

ScaryTime

You can do this TLC...
Thinking of you and sending you strength!
Hugs!

TLC

Thanks!!!! Boy, I need the strength as my stomach is just so nauseous.

TLC

Its been less than two weeks since I've seen him. My heart and mind are so wrapped up in wondering about him..

My world is typically so busy with work, friends, emails, tasks and adventures. Strangely, since I last confronted him and he went away everything else did as well, and they are not otherwise connected to him. Friends who usually call, are busy. Work slowed down. My whole world seems too quiet and still, giving way to thoughts of him and feelings of pain in my heart.

I know that time and staying away from him will facilitate health, as well as working on myself. How long does it take to start feeling these benefits. Its so hard right now.

dandylion

TLC.....I can give you the answer, based on what it was for me.....but, I have found that giving an answer to that question doesn't seem to make a person feel any better.
I recall one person, on this forum, who was at your stage....who, "demanded" a specific answer....so, I broke it down in great detail, with explanations and illustrations, etc. It took a few paragraphs.....
Her response was this----"But, I am STILL hurting!"......Do you remember that, two days ago, I said that it usually takes weeks to months?

I can tell you, however, that it won't always feel like this.....

dandylion

TLC.....the following website might help you a bit....
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...ieving-breakup

During my time in the most awful break-up of my life---I am sure that my efforts to work on myself aided in helping me get past it a lot soomer than if I hadn't out the effort in.....
I wanted to pain to stop SOooo bad--I was willing to try anything.....

As I recall, the techniques that brought some relief...even temporary relief, were....

The wailing Wall
Compartmentalization..."put it in a box"
Write a letter (hold it-don't mail it)
Reading books about how to let go
Refresh the memories technique (the bad ones--not the good ones)....

HardLessons

Hi TLC

I broke things off with my addict back in June of 2017. I was a complete mess over it. Didn't really think I could live through it. Since June she contacted me a few times mid July. That didn't go well for me. I was literally on my knees from it. From there I went no contact. Since then, she has left me alone. I was contacted by her daughter on Christmas day. It was emotional but ok.

Things are better for me today, The anxiety attacks have stopped. My racing mind has calmed down. I am functioning relatively normally again. It does however still hurt & I do miss her still. I have a much better perspective concerning my relationship with her.

I do know that I cannot interact or have contact with her. It messes me up badly.

The advice that it takes time to heal is true. I was in very bad shape could barely breath. Time away & out of the trenches has helped me greatly.

Please give yourself time. Focus on yourself change that worn out tune in your mind. I got better & I firmly believe you can get better too. Just give it time.

Thanks

Learning14

THIS ^^^

NYCDoglvr

One of the central tenets of AA is "I am responsible" because it's the opposite of the mind-set of active alcoholism. I am responsible for my words and actions, both now and in the past. I'm very sorry you're enduring this stress which so many of us have been through

Lilro

Wow Anvil... I feel like you were writing that to me about my ex. Funny (not funny) how they are all so similar.

As for this particular situation.... Girl, you deserve better than what he's offering. I'm sure of it. If you don't start moving forward for YOURSELF and YOURSELF only this will be an endless cycle of abuse. (Yes, Abuse).

Hugs to you! Get cookin'
Ro

TLC

I am not having any contact with him..... its the only way to save myself. Dealing with him just screwed with my mind.

I reflect on how he twisted reality so there was no blame/responsibility on his part. I was blamed for cutting him off, not supportive, thinking he is drinking when he isn't, being angry and aggressive, says I have issues and I am mentally ill, he is working really hard and is doing well but I'm just don't want to believe him.

In fact, everything that he has done, he says that I do. I had one glass of wine, when I wasn't with him, he found out about it and said that it was me being drunk that has made me aggressive and think everything is his fault, I won't take any responsibility for my actions and my cruelty. etc etc.

I got so I could hardly say a word or statement with out him turning it on me. Leaving me with no way to talk with him about this situation, anything and everything was a weapon to be used against me.

We have mutual friends from high school that he now says he has confided in and they can't believe he is with me. It left me feeling like the crazy person.
How they can do so much damage is beyond me. Everyone that knows me, is appalled at what he has said and done, all saying that these words don't reflect me but rather him. Yet its so messed up that he got me thinking I was messed up.
He has been so masterful at keeping the alcohol use going and making me look like I need to be committed. In actuality, the more firm I got in my resistance, the more he did this. The only way to justify it all for him is to make me crazy, not him.....

I wish we didn't share so many friends, it feels like this will never go away if only to have them in common.

Time and education is what I need. but sometimes it just helps to speak out, all those terrible feelings and experiences to those who have gone before me. Maybe I won't feel so crazy.

dandylion

TLC....you aren't crazy. In fact, you are very smart to recognize that you need to protect yourself from behavior that is detrimental to you.
In fact...when you live too long in a crazy/abusive relationship....you can start to lose yourself and start to "feel like the Krazy one".......lol.....

ladyscribbler

First, good call on blocking him. This was my experience as well, and people (in this case his family, we have a son together) kept their distance from me, some for quite awhile.

I chose not to engage at all with his alternative facts, and I now have cordial relationships with his family. We have a nice time when I take my son for visits, we spent a couple of weeks there last summer and a few days for Christmas.

They live in PA where the huge blizzard hit and we were actually snowed in for a couple of days with a bunch of food and all of our Christmas presents (bummer, right?).

However, there was a time when us getting snowed in together would have ended much like The Shining, 50/50 odds on whether it's ex's mom or me who goes all Jack Nicholson. It was because we were letting the sickest person in the mix dictate our relationships to one another.

Thankfully we were all able to remove that filter and actually get to know one another as we are, which meant not allowing the alcoholic to manipulate us against one another in order to distract from his drinking.

As hard as it was sometimes, not defending was the best thing I could have done. I put the energy that I would have spent worrying about opinions into making my life look the way that I wanted it to. Once others got a front row seat to his crazy behavior, all the nastiness he had spewed about me crumbled to dust when they realized the truth.

Time and patience, and treating yourself with lots of loving care and kindness will do you much more good than getting involved in drama.

FeelingGreat

TLC, it's always hard to hear that friends are judging you but please don't take his words on face value. Chances are they have a very good idea of what he's like; they just may not say it to his face. There's also the possibility that he's straight out lying or exaggerating. It fits in with the lying abusive person he's become.

Time almost always corrects these things. You are doing a sterling job of standing strong and you will get through this.

TLC

Continue to make decisions that support my health and am feeling stronger. Oh sure, there are still ups and downs.

I've recently found out that in addition to addiction he also is dealing with borderline personality disorder. Which for me, helps me to understand the additional irrational behavior and so quick to anger.

I've been otherwise drowning in a pool, trying to make sense of something that seems so irrational. No wonder I have felt crazy.

So much of what I understand of addiction, he lives with. But this dual diagnosis, explains a lot.

dandylion

TLC...So glad to hear that you are maintaining...
I think that dual diagnosis is much more common that most people think.....