Smarie78

I’ve left him. But I’ve left him before. This time I pray hard that it sticks. I feel good, not even sad at the moment, confident. He was drinking again and flat out denied it to my face. Isn’t it funny how you actually doubt yourself when they lie? Sometimes I half believe him when his lie is caught in the open. Maybe the bottle of red wine that wasn’t in the recycle bin a few hours before somehow did magically appear? Maybe I drank it and forgot? I have bought that brand before and usually he drinks vodka so maybe it was me and something is wrong with my memory? (things I am embarrassed to admit go through my mind when he lies). No. It wasn’t there a few hours before and nobody else but us were in the house. I didn’t have red wine in the house, much less drank it in my sleep.
Then what about the roll of condoms in his bag I found that same night when I suspected the vodka and looked (codie ways) for the bottle? There were so many. But he said that at his meeting they passed them out to encourage safe sex (at an AA meeting??) And you wonder if it’s true and whom at that meeting you can ask even though the horse manure meter is blowing up. He’s so convincing and good at making you feel crazy. Then you wonder if he put them there on purpose so you find them because you haven’t really been into sex in a while because you resent him so much that his touch makes you want to scream.
Then you realize that no matter what the reasons, all of this is toxic and making you sick. Lies or truth. What kind of existence is it to live moment by moment, trapped in their web of making you feel crazy, wondering if when you see them they will slur their speech. I feel done being Inspector Gadget. I say feel because so many times I have said I “am” done and I wasn’t. I want my life back and I’m WILLING to get it back. I’m willing to ride through the pain of physical detachment from my drug. I’m WILLING to experience the withdrawals when they come because believe you me, despite my I Am Woman Hear Me Roar moment here, they will come. And they will come heavy and hard. I am WILLING not to pick up again.

SparkleKitty

In addition to praying for strength, Smarie, tell yourself that it will stick.

Tell yourself you are done.

Affirm it to your own face in the mirror, again and again, everyday, for as long as it takes. Until it's second nature.

Read this and all your other posts over and over.

COME BACK HERE when you are feeling weak. Post here BEFORE you contact him.

Willingness is super easy in the aftermath of pain. Long-term willingness when the reason you left isn't staring you in the face? That requires heavy lifting. But you've got a small army here willing to pitch in.

You know how this goes. The voice inside you that represents your addiction to him will start telling you tales: that you're abandoning a sick person, that it wasn't so bad, that you don't deserve a healthy relationship with a partner who respects you, that he needs you. When that voice chimes in, that's when you come back here to be reminded that none of that is real.

Hawkeye13

Is he blocked or are you willing to change your number?

Do it and be done.

Sending you strength--this man is a lying parasite
draining your life energy, your hope, and stealing your future.
Whether addiction or simply character, his actions are what counts.

AnvilheadII

This time I pray hard that it sticks.

it won't STICK by itself......you make the commitment to change. and you take action to make that change happen. if you are truly solid in your commitment, it won't matter what HE does, because HE is irrelevant.

some actions are, as noted above, blocking all means of contact. some of these steps you've taken before. no texts, no messages, no calls, no access to your home. do not rely upon HIM to respect your boundaries. YOU respect your boundaries.

if anything of his is in your home, get rid of it. all of it. bag it, box it, ship it or dump it. in exactly the same way a recovering addict or alcoholic establishes a clean safe place to be successful in sobriety.

Smarie78

Thank you. Always scared to do this because of how final it is, but doing today as part of my recovery.

Bird615

Looking back now, one of the things that helped in leaving an alcoholic partner, or even with sobering up myself was to not listen to my feelings at first.

Or rather, it was not listening to that voice that was screaming the loudest, like the 3-year-old having a tantrum. The one that inevitably came up and told me that I couldn't do this, it was too hard, it hurt too much.

I kind of just had to put my head down and push through all that until I could see that it wasn't true. To keep my eye on what I really wanted, what was most important. For me, that was peace from all the chaos.

To get through those moments, I'd reach out to someone for support, tried to take care of myself as best I could, and sometimes, I'd just let myself cry and grieve and get all the frustration out. That always calmed me down so I could carry on.

Finally accepting that it wasn't going to be easy and that it was going to hurt a lot at first helped me to do what I had to do.

You really can do this.

Ariesagain

You need a mantra. Mine was “ENOUGH.” Every time I dredged up a happy memory or second guessed myself, I’d silently yell that at myself.

I also have my mental power washer...any of that “yes, but” stuff came up and I pictured myself blasting it with a fire hose.

Make a list, if you haven’t already, of every time he lied, cheated, stole from, manipulated and abused you. Honestly, the drinking at this stage is beside the point.

He has treated you ABYSMALLY and he is out of reasons, excuses, or rationalizations.

So are you, I profoundly hope.

Wishing you the strength and clarity to give yourself a truly happy new year.

trailmix

It's a good idea, I've done this before. Strangely there is only one relationship where I felt the need to. I'm talking EVERYTHING, except for a couple of things I am attached to which I decided are mine and have nothing to do with him (if you have items like this, at least put them away for a while).

Things to throw away - that includes sheets and all other personal items, oh the pans he had to have? Garbage. Photos took a little while to get rid of, but they are gone. Presents? Garbage. Texts - deleted - email - deleted - all of them.

Start looking at him differently. Instead of excuses call it what it is. See him for what he really is, a threat to YOU. He is full of crap, then call it that, call HIM that (in your head I mean!). Get angry.

When he crosses your mind, just call him your new name for him, flip him off, you'll come up with your own stuff i'm sure!

There is something about that toxic kind of relationship that needs for this to be done, don't know why (and don't really care) but it is a great thing to do.

dandylion

Madbird....yes, yes, yes!!! that is what I call the short-term pain for the l ong-term gain.....
One has to be WILLING to wade through the initial discomfort....

trailmix

So agree with this! This is imperative Smarie. Whether that's a counsellor, Al Anon, family member, or all of the above, you need someone to talk to about this for sure. You have us of course but you need someone to call at anytime.

Keep posting, don't isolate.

dandylion

Smarie...through all of this, do you attend alanon?

AnvilheadII

Always scared to do this because of how final it is

you aren't tossing them in on top of the coffin, you are just getting them out of YOUR life. we aren't talking FATALITY, we are talking FINALITY.

trailmix

This is so true. Someone said to me at the time - the person isn't DEAD - you could actually speak to them at any time.

It's true!

After a couple of weeks of not talking to them, I didn't want to.

As for the stuff - well I know what you mean - I put some things away for a while then eventually threw them out.

trailmix

double post

PuzzledHeart

In terms of stuff, you can always give it to a trusted friend for safekeeping if you're unwilling to dispose of it right away.

I gave my engagement ring to a friend who lived several hundred miles away. She in turn left it at her parents' house. After a year and a half, I was ready to let it go, and donated it to a local charity. It gave me some comfort knowing that something positive came out of our s#!7show relationship.

kayleezen

Hello Smarie!
You really broke that down clearly! I am constant amazed when I hear very similar details to things I have been through with my EXAB. It's crazy making and the disease at full form.
For some reason this time, the lying right to my face and the new girl contact on the phone threw me over the edge differently. It didn't matter he didn't sleep with her or she was nothing (that I did found out) it was the lying.
"I'm going to a meeting," which turned out to be, I"m going to the store to get a drink and call a girl that isn't one of our mutual friends.
That did it! Seriously.
However it took over a month for me to feel this detached because he went to treatment. Now I don't say, I'm done, it's over, etc. because I know those waves. I take it one day at a time. Today I am not speaking to him and I go from there.
Thanks for your post.
K

hopeful4

Good for you. You deserve more, and thing is, you know this.

Big hugs. Stay strong!

Bekindalways

^^^^^^ I did this too. It's a bit like an alcoholic getting sober. If I got to the end of the day and I hadn't shot myself or called him, I had succeeded. Nothing else mattered.

Also, the advantage to the millionth breakup for me was having a realistic idea of how hard it was going to be. All the times before, I would think, "It can't REALLY be this painful." Yes. Yes, it was that painful and I had to ride it out.

Stay close to us and any other support you have Smarie and start putting some No-contact time together.

Smarie78

Thanks everyone so much for your relatable stories and support. I had such a great day yesterday even though I stared feeling those little tugs of missing him and little worry tugs and felt sad for his pain (i know not healthy or logical to feel bad for someone who mistreats you, but they did surface), but I got myself busy and ignored them and did what my mom use to tell me to do when I would get panic attacks and “snap out of it!”.
I cleaned my apartment and my brother came over. I cooked us a big breakfast and spent the remainder of the day with my family. I really didn’t feel too sad, just sure a little bit worried but again, ignored it. Ignored the “what if he committed suicide” monster thought that always haunts me, and got back to my own life. I prayed a little too and gave it to God while I tended to myself.
Oh, one interesting thing I did was have this urge to redecorate. I think there is that part of me that wants a fresh start and doesn’t want to be reminded of the pain that went on within those walls. I bought everything very feminine and pink and greys and basically gave my apartment a mini makeover. It was really fun and felt like a new place. Just a few changes made a huge impact. Maybe it’s a cleansing.
I’m reading my Codependent No More and going back to meetings to assist in staving the urge away. Hope everyone is having a great day today! We got a lot of snow here which made for a pretty Monday

Hawkeye13

great job Smarie! One day at a time