Pulling away
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 17
Pulling away
My abf was in treatment a couple months ago after years of drinking. Things were good when he came out. He was really motivated. But I noticed a change after about two months. He was pulling away. Days would go by and I wouldn't hear from him. Now I know why. I learned he had been drinking. I always knew he could relapse but figured he would learn from it and get back on track. He did and more recently saw a dr for help. But this last week he just stopped texting me like he usually does and I'm wondering if he's gone off again. I don't know what I'm supposed to do at this point. I know he wants help but I can't keep running to his rescue. Especially when he cuts me off for days and now weeks at a time. I don't even know anymore what my place is in this relationship. Is it typical for alcoholics to hide away for days at a time? he always openly drank but since rehab I feel like he is just hiding from everyone so that he can drink alone and not admit to another relapse.
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Location: New York, NY
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I don't know what I'm supposed to do at this point.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Is it typical for alcoholics to hide away for days at a time? he always openly drank but since rehab I feel like he is just hiding from everyone so that he can drink alone and not admit to another relapse.
Welcome to SR. I can only tell you from my own experience but pre rehab my exah drank openly most of the time. He also drank in secret some of the time but I mainly knew what was going on. We divorced and eventually he went to rehab ...5 times. Every time he comes out he goes mia for weeks, sometimes months cos he is drinking again. N ow am not married to him anymore so I don't care (we've two sons so that's the only way I know he goes missing and doesn't answer his phone but they have now stopped contacting him) but I'd ask myself if this is what you really want for your own life? How it is now is as good as it gets with him cos alcholism is progressive. If you read the forum stickys and learn about it you will arm yourself with information that will help you decide what to do for yourself to make your life better.
Welcome to SR. I can only tell you from my own experience but pre rehab my exah drank openly most of the time. He also drank in secret some of the time but I mainly knew what was going on. We divorced and eventually he went to rehab ...5 times. Every time he comes out he goes mia for weeks, sometimes months cos he is drinking again. N ow am not married to him anymore so I don't care (we've two sons so that's the only way I know he goes missing and doesn't answer his phone but they have now stopped contacting him) but I'd ask myself if this is what you really want for your own life? How it is now is as good as it gets with him cos alcholism is progressive. If you read the forum stickys and learn about it you will arm yourself with information that will help you decide what to do for yourself to make your life better.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 18
If it walks like a duck and squawks like a duck.
Originally Posted by Puzzle1000 
My abf was in treatment a couple months ago after years of drinking. Things were good when he came out. He was really motivated. But I noticed a change after about two months. He was pulling away. Days would go by and I wouldn't hear from him. Now I know why. I learned he had been drinking. I always knew he could relapse but figured he would learn from it and get back on track. He did and more recently saw a dr for help. But this last week he just stopped texting me like he usually does and I'm wondering if he's gone off again. I don't know what I'm supposed to do at this point. I know he wants help but I can't keep running to his rescue. Especially when he cuts me off for days and now weeks at a time. I don't even know anymore what my place is in this relationship. Is it typical for alcoholics to hide away for days at a time? he always openly drank but since rehab I feel like he is just hiding from everyone so that he can drink alone and not admit to another relapse.
My A gave me the gift of his absence six months ago. For a while it was like waiting for someone you miss to reappear that's no longer available and you don't want to believe it. Terrible feeling.
Even if he came back, you do not want to be back on that crazy train with him. I know I wouldn't. His alcoholism could easily continue for years getting progressively worse. He must fix himself. If it's going to happen. I understand your confusion your loneliness and frustration. It's heartbreaking.
His sobriety alone wouldn't be enough though. Recovery takes work they're not yet ready to put in. That's why they run. I'm really sorry.
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Originally Posted by Ginalee
That feeling you're having is correct. They isolate so they can do whatever they want. Let's face it, he's not avoiding you and your love for him because he's out there getting sober. They don't care. Even if they say they do. It's a lie. Actions speak louder than words. I struggled with that truth for about five months.
My A gave me the gift of his absence six months ago. For a while it was like waiting for someone you miss to reappear that's no longer available and you don't want to believe it. Terrible feeling.
Even if he came back, you do not want to be back on that crazy train with him. I know I wouldn't. His alcoholism could easily continue for years getting progressively worse. He must fix himself. If it's going to happen. I understand your confusion your loneliness and frustration. It's heartbreaking.
His sobriety alone wouldn't be enough though. Recovery takes work they're not yet ready to put in. That's why they run. I'm really sorry.
My A gave me the gift of his absence six months ago. For a while it was like waiting for someone you miss to reappear that's no longer available and you don't want to believe it. Terrible feeling.
Even if he came back, you do not want to be back on that crazy train with him. I know I wouldn't. His alcoholism could easily continue for years getting progressively worse. He must fix himself. If it's going to happen. I understand your confusion your loneliness and frustration. It's heartbreaking.
His sobriety alone wouldn't be enough though. Recovery takes work they're not yet ready to put in. That's why they run. I'm really sorry.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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P,
Welcome to life with and addict. He is your boyfriend not husband or father of your children... I would run. Read all the horrific stories on this forum regarding life with an addict. I was with my addict for 34 years and he lied to me for 34 years. Ugh!!
I would cut contact with him completely. No email, phone calls, texts, social media... all of it. Move on and let him find his sobriety on his own. There is nothing that you can do do for him but accept his abuse and his lies. You have many people on this forum who wished that they weren't married or owned a house with or had kids with, that could walk away.
You have options and you know in your gut that you can not save him. Let him go, move on in life and you will find a healthy significant other who can give you what you want. Addicts are not capable of thinking of anyone but themselves. Keep posting and stick around, you will learn a ton. Hugs!!
Welcome to life with and addict. He is your boyfriend not husband or father of your children... I would run. Read all the horrific stories on this forum regarding life with an addict. I was with my addict for 34 years and he lied to me for 34 years. Ugh!!
I would cut contact with him completely. No email, phone calls, texts, social media... all of it. Move on and let him find his sobriety on his own. There is nothing that you can do do for him but accept his abuse and his lies. You have many people on this forum who wished that they weren't married or owned a house with or had kids with, that could walk away.
You have options and you know in your gut that you can not save him. Let him go, move on in life and you will find a healthy significant other who can give you what you want. Addicts are not capable of thinking of anyone but themselves. Keep posting and stick around, you will learn a ton. Hugs!!
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
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Hi, Puzzle.
Welcome to SR. Glad you found us.
Yah, your SO has relapsed.
Sounds as though he is not ready to become sober and embrace recovery yet.
You would know it if you saw it.
Recovery looks like recovery.
Probably time to cut your losses here and move on.
Peace.
Welcome to SR. Glad you found us.
Yah, your SO has relapsed.
Sounds as though he is not ready to become sober and embrace recovery yet.
You would know it if you saw it.
Recovery looks like recovery.
Probably time to cut your losses here and move on.
Peace.
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Location: Anywhere, USA
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My abf (x) drinks in secret and cuts off the world because he wants to be alone with his bottle. He would cut me and everyone else out for weeks at a time and hole up somewhere and just drink himself silly. Usually 1-2 weeks where I won’t hear from him. He does it to drink.Then he surfaces and does it again two months later. It’s a horrible way to live on the receiving end of that. And no, nothing you can do but leave. He won’t change unless he’s ready to and that day may never come.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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I feel abandoned more than ever now. Why did he reach out last night and today nothing. I tried calling but no answer. I'm trying to give him space but I'm torn over the whole situation. I have to stop thinking with my heart and think with my brain. He isn't thinking of me right now. He's thinking of drinking. Too hard for him to face me I assume after all the help I gave him. I found him drunk out of his mind NYE. I went to his house. He was passed out with food in his mouth. I woke him up and made him shower and took him to my home to get straight. And he did. And he cried the next day and told me he needed a doctor. We set that up the next day. He went and got meds for depression, High blood pressure and a med for his alcohol withdrawal. I stayed at his house twice that week. He seemed deeply depressed and wasn't feeling well. But now since that week he just has dropped off the face of the earth. Except for him texting me last night to tell me about his daughters event. I'm in this constant loop of sadness, then anger, then feeling strong, then sad again. I can't move Foward because I feel like I'm limbo. If it's over and this is the way it is- I just want to say it and move on. But I'm not texting him that. We need to actually talk! Sorry to vent. Feeling so out of control right now. I hate this feeling. 😞
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Location: Wareham, Mass
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Moving on is a difficult thing to do, but the right thing to do.
He has to want to get sober for himself, and it just doesn’t sound like he’s there yet.
Sounds like he’s struggling, but there really isn’t anything you can do.
If we could just work hard enough and love someone into recovery, this site wouldn’t exist.
That he is ghosting you is a huge sign that he isn’t ready.
Save yourself. You will have to be the one to move forward away from his life and into your own.
Good thoughts.
He has to want to get sober for himself, and it just doesn’t sound like he’s there yet.
Sounds like he’s struggling, but there really isn’t anything you can do.
If we could just work hard enough and love someone into recovery, this site wouldn’t exist.
That he is ghosting you is a huge sign that he isn’t ready.
Save yourself. You will have to be the one to move forward away from his life and into your own.
Good thoughts.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Puzzle...what will talking do? You can talk to him/with him, if you want to...but it won't matter, either way---because if he isn't ready....nothing will make any difference.....
We have an extensive library of articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....I am giving you the following link to it....I hope that you will take your time to read through them....You can gain a lot from them....
There is enough for you to read an article, every day...lol!
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
We have an extensive library of articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....I am giving you the following link to it....I hope that you will take your time to read through them....You can gain a lot from them....
There is enough for you to read an article, every day...lol!
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
P,
I agree with Maud and Dandy, he is not ready. The bottom line is that "you" are not ready to move on. When he cuts you off he is moving on, then steps back in when ever he wants, you accept it and move on. It doesn't sound like a fun life to me.
Maybe, just maybe by you doing something different, he will see that he finally lost you and will seek help for himself, not you. He has some sober time under his belt so he can do it. You are always there picking him up and helping him. Wash rinse and repeat. Dandy posted some great links for you to read. Education is power!!
When will you hit your rock bottom? What would make enough enough?
Hugs.
I agree with Maud and Dandy, he is not ready. The bottom line is that "you" are not ready to move on. When he cuts you off he is moving on, then steps back in when ever he wants, you accept it and move on. It doesn't sound like a fun life to me.
Maybe, just maybe by you doing something different, he will see that he finally lost you and will seek help for himself, not you. He has some sober time under his belt so he can do it. You are always there picking him up and helping him. Wash rinse and repeat. Dandy posted some great links for you to read. Education is power!!
When will you hit your rock bottom? What would make enough enough?
Hugs.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 5
I am in a similar situation. My abf was in a month long IP treatment program recently and a couple days after he got out, he was drinking when I went to see him. I felt like I don't know what to do! He has to do a couple months of jail time coming up and even though he relapsed right away he says he is still committed to getting better. (Probably due to the jail time.) I too don't hear from him and I just think he's probably drinking.
1) I found this site 2) I went to al-anon meeting for the first time.
I'm not ready to leave the relationship right now because I see the wonderful person he is most of the time. But it's on my mind. I see a therapist for other things and one of the things he got me to think about was to not be around him when he is drinking. So the next day after he was drinking (when he was sober) I told him I did not understand/accept him drinking and driving (why he has jail time - DWIs ) - he could kill himself or others. I said I do not like being around him when he is drinking a lot because he is a different person. And I told him that I will leave if he is drinking around me. And that I will not monitor him. He thought me getting on him would be good, but I was thinking, no way. But he agreed it would be best if I leave if he is drinking. We live a couple hours apart so I don't see him all of the time, but so far I haven't had to leave the few times I have seen him. I think if and when that does happen, I have to follow through (won't be easy) and I imagine I will get tired of that really quickly.
Just wanted to tell you I'm in a similar place.
1) I found this site 2) I went to al-anon meeting for the first time.
I'm not ready to leave the relationship right now because I see the wonderful person he is most of the time. But it's on my mind. I see a therapist for other things and one of the things he got me to think about was to not be around him when he is drinking. So the next day after he was drinking (when he was sober) I told him I did not understand/accept him drinking and driving (why he has jail time - DWIs ) - he could kill himself or others. I said I do not like being around him when he is drinking a lot because he is a different person. And I told him that I will leave if he is drinking around me. And that I will not monitor him. He thought me getting on him would be good, but I was thinking, no way. But he agreed it would be best if I leave if he is drinking. We live a couple hours apart so I don't see him all of the time, but so far I haven't had to leave the few times I have seen him. I think if and when that does happen, I have to follow through (won't be easy) and I imagine I will get tired of that really quickly.
Just wanted to tell you I'm in a similar place.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Originally Posted by Riverbend
I am in a similar situation. My abf was in a month long IP treatment program recently and a couple days after he got out, he was drinking when I went to see him. I felt like I don't know what to do! He has to do a couple months of jail time coming up and even though he relapsed right away he says he is still committed to getting better. (Probably due to the jail time.) I too don't hear from him and I just think he's probably drinking.
1) I found this site 2) I went to al-anon meeting for the first time.
I'm not ready to leave the relationship right now because I see the wonderful person he is most of the time. But it's on my mind. I see a therapist for other things and one of the things he got me to think about was to not be around him when he is drinking. So the next day after he was drinking (when he was sober) I told him I did not understand/accept him drinking and driving (why he has jail time - DWIs ) - he could kill himself or others. I said I do not like being around him when he is drinking a lot because he is a different person. And I told him that I will leave if he is drinking around me. And that I will not monitor him. He thought me getting on him would be good, but I was thinking, no way. But he agreed it would be best if I leave if he is drinking. We live a couple hours apart so I don't see him all of the time, but so far I haven't had to leave the few times I have seen him. I think if and when that does happen, I have to follow through (won't be easy) and I imagine I will get tired of that really quickly.
Just wanted to tell you I'm in a similar place.
1) I found this site 2) I went to al-anon meeting for the first time.
I'm not ready to leave the relationship right now because I see the wonderful person he is most of the time. But it's on my mind. I see a therapist for other things and one of the things he got me to think about was to not be around him when he is drinking. So the next day after he was drinking (when he was sober) I told him I did not understand/accept him drinking and driving (why he has jail time - DWIs ) - he could kill himself or others. I said I do not like being around him when he is drinking a lot because he is a different person. And I told him that I will leave if he is drinking around me. And that I will not monitor him. He thought me getting on him would be good, but I was thinking, no way. But he agreed it would be best if I leave if he is drinking. We live a couple hours apart so I don't see him all of the time, but so far I haven't had to leave the few times I have seen him. I think if and when that does happen, I have to follow through (won't be easy) and I imagine I will get tired of that really quickly.
Just wanted to tell you I'm in a similar place.
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