Interesting way of being a codie.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Interesting way of being a codie.....
I had counseling this week. Something came up and it's almost crazy to me. I like a clean house. We have had some situations come up recently that things have not been organized and sort of in an upheaval at my house. It's making me crazy, and grouchy.
In going over all of this, I discovered that my way of handling stress is to clean. That makes me feel in control. When those around me won't clean as good as I do, or when I want them to, or how I want them to do it, I get very stressed and grouchy about it, and that is not who I want to be.
She pointed out that for me, cleaning has become my addiction. That I have to have this order and have to be up, cleaning, moving, and that I do these things to avoid being in the moment and feeling other emotions.
Wow. Spot on. There is nothing wrong with wanting a clean home, but to be almost obsessed with it is not ok. So, I am going to actively work on this.
Lucky me. Of all things to be addicted to.....cleaning......great.
In going over all of this, I discovered that my way of handling stress is to clean. That makes me feel in control. When those around me won't clean as good as I do, or when I want them to, or how I want them to do it, I get very stressed and grouchy about it, and that is not who I want to be.
She pointed out that for me, cleaning has become my addiction. That I have to have this order and have to be up, cleaning, moving, and that I do these things to avoid being in the moment and feeling other emotions.
Wow. Spot on. There is nothing wrong with wanting a clean home, but to be almost obsessed with it is not ok. So, I am going to actively work on this.
Lucky me. Of all things to be addicted to.....cleaning......great.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,998
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
I had counseling this week. Something came up and it's almost crazy to me. I like a clean house. We have had some situations come up recently that things have not been organized and sort of in an upheaval at my house. It's making me crazy, and grouchy.
In going over all of this, I discovered that my way of handling stress is to clean. That makes me feel in control. When those around me won't clean as good as I do, or when I want them to, or how I want them to do it, I get very stressed and grouchy about it, and that is not who I want to be.
She pointed out that for me, cleaning has become my addiction. That I have to have this order and have to be up, cleaning, moving, and that I do these things to avoid being in the moment and feeling other emotions.
Wow. Spot on. There is nothing wrong with wanting a clean home, but to be almost obsessed with it is not ok. So, I am going to actively work on this.
Lucky me. Of all things to be addicted to.....cleaning......great.
In going over all of this, I discovered that my way of handling stress is to clean. That makes me feel in control. When those around me won't clean as good as I do, or when I want them to, or how I want them to do it, I get very stressed and grouchy about it, and that is not who I want to be.
She pointed out that for me, cleaning has become my addiction. That I have to have this order and have to be up, cleaning, moving, and that I do these things to avoid being in the moment and feeling other emotions.
Wow. Spot on. There is nothing wrong with wanting a clean home, but to be almost obsessed with it is not ok. So, I am going to actively work on this.
Lucky me. Of all things to be addicted to.....cleaning......great.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
Interesting! Did she say this was more of an OCD issue or something peripheral to focus on in order to avoid an elephant in the room? I ask because my sister use to find that I would get into these things to do so that I could keep myself as busy as possible in order to avoid leaving my relationship. I would join a bunch of stuff and get busy in life so I can avoid even having to answer questions about my relationship. I simply didn't want to deal with it. I wanted it to fade away on its own and if I could get myself so busy with something I could focus on that and not the real problem. Curious!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
She thinks it is a way of me avoiding other feelings and issues. Then we play what I called this emotional card game, and she had me pick out ones that I feel describe me. They were pretty spot on, these were negative things such as I don't feel safe, I don't feel good enough, I don't know, there were several. Then she said that these are there to help put a name to emotions I am feeling inside, and these are likely the emotions I have buried that I don't want to deal with, that I avoid. That I use cleaning and being busy to avoid all of this.
It does describe me to a T. When I was with my X, even before we had kids, if stressed I would clean. It was something I could control, I liked the outcome, and it helped control the chaos. Now, it's what I do when triggered, all the time.
Our next sessions will be dealing with these buried emotions. Should be a blast.....
It does describe me to a T. When I was with my X, even before we had kids, if stressed I would clean. It was something I could control, I liked the outcome, and it helped control the chaos. Now, it's what I do when triggered, all the time.
Our next sessions will be dealing with these buried emotions. Should be a blast.....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by hopeful4
I had counseling this week. Something came up and it's almost crazy to me. I like a clean house. We have had some situations come up recently that things have not been organized and sort of in an upheaval at my house. It's making me crazy, and grouchy.
In going over all of this, I discovered that my way of handling stress is to clean. That makes me feel in control. When those around me won't clean as good as I do, or when I want them to, or how I want them to do it, I get very stressed and grouchy about it, and that is not who I want to be.
She pointed out that for me, cleaning has become my addiction. That I have to have this order and have to be up, cleaning, moving, and that I do these things to avoid being in the moment and feeling other emotions.
Wow. Spot on. There is nothing wrong with wanting a clean home, but to be almost obsessed with it is not ok. So, I am going to actively work on this.
Lucky me. Of all things to be addicted to.....cleaning......great.
In going over all of this, I discovered that my way of handling stress is to clean. That makes me feel in control. When those around me won't clean as good as I do, or when I want them to, or how I want them to do it, I get very stressed and grouchy about it, and that is not who I want to be.
She pointed out that for me, cleaning has become my addiction. That I have to have this order and have to be up, cleaning, moving, and that I do these things to avoid being in the moment and feeling other emotions.
Wow. Spot on. There is nothing wrong with wanting a clean home, but to be almost obsessed with it is not ok. So, I am going to actively work on this.
Lucky me. Of all things to be addicted to.....cleaning......great.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
I do it too. I clean when I'm stressed out. Seeing disorder makes me feel less in control of a chaotic environments, it feels less "safe". Interestingly, when I don't live with toxic people, I rarely clean anything... .
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 415
I clean when stressed as well. It is interesting that before I met my AH I didn’t pay as much attention to the cleanliness of my house. It was clean don’t get me wrong but for many years after marrying my AH my home has always been white glove clean. That is until the last couple of years when our “house of cards began to fall” and I began to detach.
Cleaning is not such a bad obsession is it?
😊
Cleaning is not such a bad obsession is it?
😊
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
hopeful...I know gazillions of people who do this. Always moving...always busy...always cleaning the house....Many who get up and vacume in the middle of the n ight...lol.....
LOl...I might benefit from such a condition.......
LOl...I might benefit from such a condition.......
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Interesting. I never thought about keeping things tidy as a kind of control.
My mother, Queen Codie, is almost fanatical about keeping her house spotless and orderly. Like to excess. She can not sit and watch TV, read a book, visit with company or work at her hobby if there is so much as a cup in the sink.
My father, who was an alcoholic, was messy, messy, messy. He loved to cook and made wonderful food, but he'd use every dish, pot and pan in the house while doing so and leave everything piled in the sink and on the counters and then just walk away from it. Drove my mum nuts but she never said anything about it, just cleaned up after him, even if she passive aggressively slammed stuff around while she did it.
Very interesting!
My mother, Queen Codie, is almost fanatical about keeping her house spotless and orderly. Like to excess. She can not sit and watch TV, read a book, visit with company or work at her hobby if there is so much as a cup in the sink.
My father, who was an alcoholic, was messy, messy, messy. He loved to cook and made wonderful food, but he'd use every dish, pot and pan in the house while doing so and leave everything piled in the sink and on the counters and then just walk away from it. Drove my mum nuts but she never said anything about it, just cleaned up after him, even if she passive aggressively slammed stuff around while she did it.
Very interesting!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Ooh this is me too. I vacuam when am stressed and tidy and sort out drawers. I've done it since a small child when I lived in a household with parents and siblings who lived like pigs I spent all my free time clearing up after.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
I believe we need to take care not to view everything as some sort of codependent pathology.
Example: I love knitting. Always have. Knit since I was a child. It is a repetitive activity, I like it for meditative qualities, it also helps with manual dexterity and math and spatial skills (who would have thought). And you are completely changing the form - from yarn to intricate design. Anyway - enough with the sales pitch.
My co-workers (who are all way older than me, mind you) found out and were making cracks to the extent of obsessiveness and old lady-ishness of my hobby. One even went as far as saying that it is crazy. Oh well
I do believe there are obsessive traits to knitting - just think of all the yarn hoarding haha.
However - it only becomes an addiction if I start skipping work because I knit, neglected my child, avoid most social activities in lieu of knitting (I have done it a few times when I did not like the host or did no care about the party), or have trouble moving around my house because of stashes of yarn laying around.
Some people are neurologically wired to have things in order. Others function just fine in semi-controlled chaos. Multiple studies have confirmed that some structure is always better than no structure.
I am by no means an obsessive cleaner, but mess does impact my mental health. I do low grade “tydying up” as I go along and aim to keep surfaces free of clutter
XAH accused me of being a slob for years - and I believed it. Since he moved out - it became very evident who was the culprit - he always comments on how clean the house is when he picks up DS
Example: I love knitting. Always have. Knit since I was a child. It is a repetitive activity, I like it for meditative qualities, it also helps with manual dexterity and math and spatial skills (who would have thought). And you are completely changing the form - from yarn to intricate design. Anyway - enough with the sales pitch.
My co-workers (who are all way older than me, mind you) found out and were making cracks to the extent of obsessiveness and old lady-ishness of my hobby. One even went as far as saying that it is crazy. Oh well
I do believe there are obsessive traits to knitting - just think of all the yarn hoarding haha.
However - it only becomes an addiction if I start skipping work because I knit, neglected my child, avoid most social activities in lieu of knitting (I have done it a few times when I did not like the host or did no care about the party), or have trouble moving around my house because of stashes of yarn laying around.
Some people are neurologically wired to have things in order. Others function just fine in semi-controlled chaos. Multiple studies have confirmed that some structure is always better than no structure.
I am by no means an obsessive cleaner, but mess does impact my mental health. I do low grade “tydying up” as I go along and aim to keep surfaces free of clutter
XAH accused me of being a slob for years - and I believed it. Since he moved out - it became very evident who was the culprit - he always comments on how clean the house is when he picks up DS
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
I do that too, but not with cleaning. With "home improvement" projects 
New ceiling lights, new wall switches, repaint the garage floor, put in better windows in the bedroom, redo the floor in the bathroom, and on and on.
If I work on my "emotional sobriety" and I keep it in balance then it becomes an asset. My love of house projects was useful when we were into house flipping. When I "slip" in my recovery then it's a character defect.
Today's obsession is the tires on the handtruck. They're actually just fine but I know I could get some solid rubber ones to replace them with and never have to fill them with air again.
Mike
New ceiling lights, new wall switches, repaint the garage floor, put in better windows in the bedroom, redo the floor in the bathroom, and on and on.If I work on my "emotional sobriety" and I keep it in balance then it becomes an asset. My love of house projects was useful when we were into house flipping. When I "slip" in my recovery then it's a character defect.
Today's obsession is the tires on the handtruck. They're actually just fine but I know I could get some solid rubber ones to replace them with and never have to fill them with air again.
Mike
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Desert Eyes.....Can we trade? I will come and clean for you if you come do projects at my house LOL!!!!
Believe me everyone, I know there are things that could be much worse. The problem is not the cleaning itself, but the attitude I tend to cop if things are not done my way, when I want them done. I expect those around me to have this same issue, and unfortunately, they do not LOL.
Believe me everyone, I know there are things that could be much worse. The problem is not the cleaning itself, but the attitude I tend to cop if things are not done my way, when I want them done. I expect those around me to have this same issue, and unfortunately, they do not LOL.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
This makes absolute sense to me hopeful. I have issues with cleaning but it stems from core issues with my FOO.
Cleaning was a primary assigned task for me as the oldest child in our family unit - it became part of my ingrained sense of self value. Here's something I shared in a while back:
Cleaning was a primary assigned task for me as the oldest child in our family unit - it became part of my ingrained sense of self value. Here's something I shared in a while back:
Originally Posted by FireSprite
I've made a few connections recently with simple, silly stuff that for a normal person is probably no biggie at all...... like, I cannot stop cleaning my house. No matter what I need to get to, a simple chore in the household stops me in my tracks & diverts ALL of my attention. 3 dishes in the sink, a full load of laundry, a messy floor? Forget that book, that project, that whatever... this is critical! And then I get so po'd at myself for spending/wasting my time cleaning when I WANTED to be doing x,y,z instead. So why didn't I? And why don't RAH & DD appreciate that I make this "sacrifice" for them to have a clean home?
Because that was one of my main roles in my FOO & it is a huge part of my internal value system. Do I really LOVE cleaning my house so much? Not even a little bit & my friends will tell you I'm practically OCD about it when in truth, I simply feel less-than/incapable/worthless/like I am dropping the ball when I'm not getting it done.
As a child I was also in charge of making sure my sister got her chores done but she liked to stall & try to force me to cover for her because she knew *I* would get into as much trouble as her if she didn't finish.... & that maybe if I stressed over it enough, I'd just do it for her to avoid all the trouble. I vividly remember my father waking us up in the middle of the night once because she had skipped out on chores & shortcut what she had done...... I'll NEVER forget cleaning with q-tips to get into all the corners. Now I know that he was likely jazzed out of his mind on some combination of alcohol/cocaine but at the time it was just absurdity. I must have been about 12 yrs old & this was part of why I decided to never marry or have kids - I could not WAIT to never have to clean up after or care for another person again.
Why WOULD my family appreciate this? THEY don't tie my value to this.... it's just me martyring myself. THEY don't expect this from me & scratch their heads watching me spin in these discontented circles. Maddening.
Because that was one of my main roles in my FOO & it is a huge part of my internal value system. Do I really LOVE cleaning my house so much? Not even a little bit & my friends will tell you I'm practically OCD about it when in truth, I simply feel less-than/incapable/worthless/like I am dropping the ball when I'm not getting it done.
As a child I was also in charge of making sure my sister got her chores done but she liked to stall & try to force me to cover for her because she knew *I* would get into as much trouble as her if she didn't finish.... & that maybe if I stressed over it enough, I'd just do it for her to avoid all the trouble. I vividly remember my father waking us up in the middle of the night once because she had skipped out on chores & shortcut what she had done...... I'll NEVER forget cleaning with q-tips to get into all the corners. Now I know that he was likely jazzed out of his mind on some combination of alcohol/cocaine but at the time it was just absurdity. I must have been about 12 yrs old & this was part of why I decided to never marry or have kids - I could not WAIT to never have to clean up after or care for another person again.
Why WOULD my family appreciate this? THEY don't tie my value to this.... it's just me martyring myself. THEY don't expect this from me & scratch their heads watching me spin in these discontented circles. Maddening.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
I have always made sure to keep "clean freaks--control freaks" out of my immediate, intimate circle or people...in other words, out of my immediate environment.....because they tend to impose their standards on those around them...and, they can be miserable to be around....
It is o.k. if I only deal with them through work, or socially....
It is o.k. if I only deal with them through work, or socially....
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
And see, I'm not that way AT ALL dandy. I only judge myself for the cleanliness of my home, I don't care how or why others live the way they do. My sister & both of my best friends are exactly the opposite of me with completely cluttered homes, but I never "see" it the same way I see it in my personal world.
Now - I've had friends that are truly OCD about this & THEY can't really stop themselves from judging everyone around them all the time.
Now - I've had friends that are truly OCD about this & THEY can't really stop themselves from judging everyone around them all the time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
All seriousness aside Hopeful, at least you have a sense of humor
about it all which is extremely healhty.
I clean when I'm angry- sometimes. It can be helpful.
To me there is alot of this busyness with life- always running here
and there, not sitting down to dinner together, on phones & tablets...
I wonder if everyone is not running from emotions , feelings
& interaction.
She's doing well with her "obsession"
https://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing.../dp/1607747308
Sounds like you are making progress which is wonderful, even if
it doesn't feel like it somtimes.....good counselor!
about it all which is extremely healhty.
I clean when I'm angry- sometimes. It can be helpful.
To me there is alot of this busyness with life- always running here
and there, not sitting down to dinner together, on phones & tablets...
I wonder if everyone is not running from emotions , feelings
& interaction.
She's doing well with her "obsession"
https://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing.../dp/1607747308
Sounds like you are making progress which is wonderful, even if
it doesn't feel like it somtimes.....good counselor!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Originally Posted by hopeful4
I had counseling this week. Something came up and it's almost crazy to me. I like a clean house. We have had some situations come up recently that things have not been organized and sort of in an upheaval at my house. It's making me crazy, and grouchy.
In going over all of this, I discovered that my way of handling stress is to clean. That makes me feel in control. When those around me won't clean as good as I do, or when I want them to, or how I want them to do it, I get very stressed and grouchy about it, and that is not who I want to be.
She pointed out that for me, cleaning has become my addiction. That I have to have this order and have to be up, cleaning, moving, and that I do these things to avoid being in the moment and feeling other emotions.
Wow. Spot on. There is nothing wrong with wanting a clean home, but to be almost obsessed with it is not ok. So, I am going to actively work on this.
Lucky me. Of all things to be addicted to.....cleaning......great.
In going over all of this, I discovered that my way of handling stress is to clean. That makes me feel in control. When those around me won't clean as good as I do, or when I want them to, or how I want them to do it, I get very stressed and grouchy about it, and that is not who I want to be.
She pointed out that for me, cleaning has become my addiction. That I have to have this order and have to be up, cleaning, moving, and that I do these things to avoid being in the moment and feeling other emotions.
Wow. Spot on. There is nothing wrong with wanting a clean home, but to be almost obsessed with it is not ok. So, I am going to actively work on this.
Lucky me. Of all things to be addicted to.....cleaning......great.
You used the word addiction and that's true. People who suffer from addictions regadless if its cleaning, food, drugs or alcohol. For many people there are underlying reasons why it starts, why it doesn't stop, and why its so easy to return to these activities if all the stuff underneath isn't dealt with.
I just mention this because Ive often seen family members here say that cant understand addiction. But truth is lots of people are addicted to something, and the question is why?
Im still working on my emotions and how I cope with things. Its ok to control as much as we can, but we have to be able to cope with life when things don't go the way we want, or we feel that sense of uneasiness. Somewhere I remember hearing that it takes rain for the flowers to grow. And also, a person never really knows what they are made of until they face a challenge and work through it.
And keep in mind this doesn't mean you can totally stop cleaning, Your going to have to learn to moderate your addiction!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
