CoParentToA

I've joined an Al-Anon Facebook group and have been doing so much reading about detachment, ways of dealing with the alcoholic in my life, etc.

I'm struggling a bit with how to apply (or not) some of the lessons as I continue to negotiate with my ex-husband.

I'm not even confident he's actively IN recovery yet (versus just not drinking for now), but at best he's in early recovery, and it's clear he still feels a huge sense of shame associated with being an alcoholic and wants to keep it a secret.

Is it ok for me to pretend that I'll keep his secret - or actually keep his secret in some cases - if it makes him more willing to be cooperative about the kids?

Example: directly after he drove with the kids drunk, I contacted the school and let them know what had happened and that the kids would be picked up by my babysitter and not their dad. Legally, they cannot prevent him from picking them up, and so they suggested that we have them picked up in the office vs the playground so that there is a mechanism for someone to make sure he isn't inebriated at pickup. Fine with me!

But when he asked why we were doing that now, I told him that the school had requested it (true) because we had so many different people picking up (we do, but not exactly the motivation).

I know he will fly off the handle if he knows it is about him and will then try to mediate his way OUT of the check-in process, so I'm not inclined to share the actual reason why with him.

Maybe another example: my attorney thinks he is resisting custody change because he doesn't want to lose my support payments. I would happily keep paying him if it meant keeping my kids out of danger.

That said - the money I pay him allows him to essentially not work and live solely / mostly on my support. Those support payments allow him to keep drinking.

The Al-Anon advice seems to be: don't do something for someone that you wouldn't do if he wasn't drinking. Well, if he wasn't drinking I wouldn't offer him money, and definitely not be thinking about willing to continue the alimony that is supposed to end in the next few months - but I also wouldn't be in a position where that money made it easier to protect my children!!

I know I am powerless over his cure, but I am just struggling whether I am making decisions to protect my children that are at the same time enabling him.

Thoughts?

Maudcat

Hi, CoParent.
I would follow my attorney’s advice.
Good thoughts.

thephoenixrises

First of all, i think you are doing a great job navigating all of this!!!! it’s tough, I know. You are protecting your kids and personally, I feel he should feel the ABSOLUTE truth of his choices-so I would 100% tell the school and tell him what was said....his choices, his consequences. You’re doing what you need to do to protect your kids. Period.

CoParentToA

Oh my attorney is absolutely like, "Hey, if you can get what you want and you don't mind bending the truth / paying him off to do it, by all means, let's do what we need to do."

I mean, he's trying to navigate in a way so that I don't have to, but appreciates the additional leverage that my willingness to keep paying support would bring. To him, it's all a negotiation and he's clear that my ultimate goal is keeping my children safe and I'm willing to do whatever I need to do to do that.

HIS goal is to not only keep them safe now but also create a mechanism that would make it harder for my ex to ever go back to a custody arrangement that was never in my favor in the first place (he had them 60% of the time). If we can go at least 6 months with me having full custody, we will be in a stronger position to continue with me having primary custody. Saying I will continue to pay him alimony through the balance of the year if he continues with the current situation could help accomplish that.

It would also make it easier for him to keep drinking and not getting a job. On the one hand - not my problem - on the other, it sure would be nice for him to hit a bottom that would prompt him to legitimately pursue recovery for himself. Then again - not really in my control.

So maybe I should stop worrying about the unintended consequences of my legal maneuvering. Sorry thinking out loud here.

Mango blast

(((Hugs)))

It sounds like you have someone really good in your corner... preparing today for that next round up ahead.

Mango blast

Here is a very good place to think out loud. No need to apologize. It seems like it's helping you work some very important things out. Trust that posting this is helping many of us, also.

Thank you.

Sasha1972

I think the ultimate goal (and your ultimate motivation) is the kids' well-being. If keeping his secret (or pretending you are keeping his secret) enhances their long-term well-being, that's the right thing to do. If not keeping his secret, even though it makes him mad, will enhance their long-term well-being, that will be the right thing to do. I think what is key is that you don't do (or not do) things because you're trying to "help" the addict himself. Enabling is trying to "fix" or "help" him, which is different from making strategic choices in the interests of your kids.

CoParentToA

Thank you - that's a simple but important distinction for me to keep in mind.

Also keeps the focus on what directly impacts their well-being (as opposed to his sobriety or lack thereof, which indirectly impacts it and cannot be controlled by me anyway).

It feels weird to "buy" their safety via an extension of alimony, but at least that's a direct If-Then. There is certainly no guarantee that NOT doing so would lead to his recovery - or that doing so would undermine it.

Sasha1972

Hey, I've been putting off starting an application for child support from ex (Kid has been living with me full time for nearly a year and a half, and there is no sign that this will change soon) because I've been concerned that the spectre of having to actually pay child support might lead ex to try and get Kid back to living with him. In effect, I've been subsidizing him to the tune of over $1000 per month because he hasn't been paying support or contributing to any of her expenses. My lawyer convinced me that it is very unlikely that a judge would order Kid to be returned to spending half time with her father, given his record, and that it is in Kid's best interests that she receive financial support from both of her parents. So I'm moving ahead, but with some trepidation. I know how you feel.

CoParentToA

I'm paying more than $7k a month. After his alimony ends it will be more like $4k a month, still substantial. We are finally in position where we aren't in the red each month due to my husband and me getting married, moving in together, raises, etc. So we can afford it if we are careful about our spending. I'm done being resentful about it and have accepted it as the price I pay to be married to the right person vs the wrong one - my husband refers to our outgoing support payments as the best bargain ever!

But on the other hand that is a LOT of money that could go toward things like college savings, activities, vacations and other choices we have had to forgo.

I think I would feel more confident fighting child support paid - let alone collected! - with 18-24 months custody under my belt. Also our state just changed the calculation so if it was recalculated today it would never be that high again. I can already feel my attorney working me on this one!

thequest

Key words 'ex' and 'kids'. Their safety is the number one priority. You'll wind up with somekind of relationship with the 'ex' but he's 'ex'.

Kids and Safety.

Think it through and seek advice which is seems you've done.

Good Luck!, Keep everyone safe including yourself.

Sasha1972

$7K per month!?!?! That's incredibly high - I'm just imagining how much postsecondary education that could buy ... I really hope you can get it reduced.


One thing for which I thank my lucky stars is that when my ex and I divorced, I wrote the divorce order and included a para saying that we each waived any entitlement to financial support from the other (which is completely separate from the obligation to support our child). At that point the wheels hadn't yet fallen as far off as they have now. I know his second ex-wife (X2) was really worried that he would come after her for spousal support even though they were only married for a few years, but so far it hasn't happened.