Learning14

Thank you for this group. I'm hoping to learn a lot and help each other.

Why I'm here...a friend of mine seemingly needed a "hand up" in his life. I offered for him to move across country and stay with me while he was getting his life back together. He paid for everything to get here. This was four months ago.

He was able to find employment quickly, we worked out transportation (he lost his license to a DWI four years ago) and were trying to get him assistance with medication and counseling (veteran).

I knew he felt overwhelmed with moving to a new place, navigating the VA and trying to get back in the good graces of the court in order to get his drivers license back...I gave him a lot of latitude and support.

If became VERY clear, VERY soon that he self-medicates with alcohol when he's stressed or just can't handle life. Which is ALL THE TIME. He doesn't go to the bars, but buys cases of beer drinking them to completion or will settle to chugging a 40 oz can.

I gave him the rules of the house (just me and the dog) that there would be no more alcohol or drinking in my home anymore or he would have to leave (I rarely drink and don't have alcohol in my home). I divorced an alcoholic husband almost ten years ago and wasn't going to deal with that. My house is very peaceful with no drama. I wanted to keep it that way.

Well, long story short, strike three came last weekend. I told him he had to leave my home. I gave him more than enough chances to go to treatment (he still won't admit that he has a problem with alcohol..."it's everyone else's fault," "don't label me," "I can quit when I want to").

He was furious and raged on me via phone and text messages. I didn't respond back other than an "ok." No reason to argue with him when I know he's deflecting.

He is still in the area and has exhausted all other options with friends and coworkers (no one left to give him money for a hotel or couch surfing). He was fired from his job the other day for attendance and failure to meet deadlines.

We are no longer friends on social media (his choice), but I see when he's on Messenger, so he still has his phone/internet.

I got a text message from him yesterday morning saying, "In two hours I'll be on the street...you asked me to promise that I would speak to you first before going the homeless route. I have not been able to book transportation back home. I need help. I have lots of problems. I did not react well."

I simply responded, "Google/contact the homeless shelters and the VA. You need to fix this. You are capable."

Funny, while he was comfy in a hotel room with money from a friend, he didn't take the time to figure out his next step, but wants everyone else to bend over backwards to do the work and "help him."

MY QUESTION IS...I'm staying strong to not let him back into my home or enable him with money/resources, but how do I deal with the twinges of guilt I feel?

Thank you everyone! I appreciate any advice, feedback, suggestions or just sharing your situation, too.

CentralOhioDad

I think you are handling this quite well. Kudos to you!

You are obviously a caring person, and have gone above-and-beyond in the caring and supporting business. Twinges of guilt are okay to feel, just don't act on them!

Learning14

Thank you...sometimes it feels like I've failed, somehow.

THIS^^^^ I'm writing this quote down! Thank you!

2ndhandrose

It sounds like you have strong, clear boundaries and you have a good read on your friend's situation.

I agree with COD, accept that you will feel the twinges. It doesn't mean you need to respond to those twinges.

SmallButMighty

uuggggg... guilt... I hate that feeling, I still struggle with it years later.

Stay strong, you seem to have solid boundaries and tools to maintain them. That is definitely one of the main lessons I learned from my marriage (and divorce) from an alcoholic too. Painfully gained wisdom but so very good to have.

I don't really have any advice other than to be careful with your self talk. You know that helping him right now would only be helping him to stay sick. That isn't healthy for either of you. He is a big boy, he can make healthier choices, or not. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

You do not deserve to feel guilty for looking out for YOU and protecting yourself from the chaos that addiction would bring.

Hang in there, you are doing great!

Learning14

Thanks! Every day gets a little better. I'm praying for him and hoping he gets the help he needs...it just can't be from me. I'll not equipped to help him with his addiction.

He has choices and options...HE has to act on them. I can't.

BTW...I'm loving my peaceful home with the dog again. I look around, after boxing all of his stuff up the other day, and am grateful to God that it's back to normal. ♥

ladyscribbler

I just wanted to thank you for doing the right thing. After I left my ex (also a vet w/ every possible resource at his fingertips) he just kept finding new enablers. I wish that more of them had as much compassion as you do, and weren't so willing to contribute to the progression of his disease.

Enabling is not helpful or compassionate. You are doing the healthiest and kindest thing, not just for yourself, but for your friend.

Eauchiche

I am just happy you were able to get him to leave. In some states, if your houseguest stays two weeks, they can claim your place as their residence, and you have to bring an eviction to get them out. It can take 6 months.

Personally, I had to do some work to realize that my compulsion to help others who were trying to destroy themselves was based on my own need to feel worthwhile. I recognize this as an illness now (codependency), and work hard to recover from it. If this rings true with you, then perhaps you might consider recovery yourself in this area.

Learning14

I suppose there may be eviction laws in our state, but it didn't come to that. He's so wrapped up with everyone doing everything for him, I doubt he'd have the gumption to seek out and enforce eviction laws.

He left last week on an alcohol binge (didn't see him for two days), came back for a few hours. I said I would take him to the hospital for treatment, but he was NOT staying with me anymore. I haven't seen him since.

I went through a lot of figuring out codependency after my divorce (counseling, books, applying it to my life). I think that helped me to see through what was happening with him after only 4 months and taking a hard, fast stance.

It definitely didn't make me feel "worthwhile." More stressful and anxiety ridden. I didn't want to repeat that go around again.

NYCDoglvr

Sounds like you've handled this in a very healthy way. Realize that, like you, he has a choice to drink or get help. He's powerless over alcohol but he's not powerless over his actions and words.

Learning14

I saved this to my phone something I read the other day,