Meraviglioso

Well the honeymoon is over. In four working days the woman training me at my new job will leave on maternity and everything will fall to me. I am absolutely terrified. I have been having near constant panic attacks (which I normally don't suffer from regularly) and just cannot get myself under control. The only thing I want to do is drink. Really.

And I know, I have thought this over and evaluated it. I thought "why Mera? Why do you want to sabotage this great job?" because for sure if I start drinking again I will end up calling in sick or worse, showing up for work drunk and thus get fired. I think in my mind I feel unworthy of the job and therefore if I do something like drink and get fired I can write it off as that- "well, you are a drunk Mera, of course the fired you" I cannot stand the idea that I might fail just because I am not good enough. Not drunk, just I simply cannot do what is required of me.

I have to make it through though, this job has been a godsend in so many ways. I have more money, I am out of the house for 8 ours a day, I have met nice new friends. And, if I survive this period where I am taking over for the woman on maternity, when she returns my role will change into one I am much more adept at and excited for. But for the time being I need to get this right. I just feel so much pressure. I have always hated money, I think growing up poor has a lot to do with that. I now have to handle all of the accounting, sending out invoices for hundreds of thousands of euro, making payments for huge numbers. It is just so stressful and worrying to me. I double, triple, quadruple check everything but overtime I send an email I really start to panic. What if I messed up? What if I missed a zero somewhere?

The people are great and I don't feel pressure from them, but I definitely feel it from myself.

Help!

Gilmer

If you can, put blinders on yourself, breathe, and focus on the task directly in front of you. Then move on to the next one.

Don’t view the day as a whole: go step by step. Chalked are much easier to handle one bite at a time.

August252015

Hey Mera- glad you posted.

Can you talk to a sober friend, a dr, anyone for support? How's sleep and diet and all that? I know I get sideways if I let that stuff slip, especially sleep. I do take meds for anxiety and what I think of as "spinning" - when my mind races in circles kinda like you describe.

I never thought it was that true when people said yoga made all the diff- but it has for me for a lot of reasons, and breathing is one of them. I used to have a bad habit of holding my breath a LOT.

Just a few thoughts- stay with us and share anything you need to.

You know from experience that drinking won't help. You can get through this sober.

Today, just focus on today.
Take care of yourself.

Nowsthetime

Hi Mera!

Glad you posted. I think that this is an exciting and nerve-racking new opportunity so your feelings are completely normal. I agree with the poster above that says to focus on the task at hand only, one at a time and go from there. They decided to give you this opportunity because they saw something in you. Believe in yourself too!

Keep us posted! We are here for you and you can do it!

geturfreakon

Yoga and breathing is so important, cut down on caffeine? I do a corny 15 minute meditation from You Tube every morning as well. You're gonna be fine, just don't go backwards, it won't help. You'll be running the company before you know it!

trachemys

Mera, been reading you for a long time. I know you.

You'll be fine.

amyrose

I have "imposter syndrome" every day at work. Even with accolades and promotions through the years, I keep waiting for the day they realize I am awful and terrible at my job, as a person, etc.

I find it helps to take the deep breath, maybe walk to the printer down the hall (even if I have nothing there just to step away) and take it one task at a time. Even if you make a mistake with a zero, it can be fixed. You will not be the first or last to have human error. Keeping good thoughts headed your way!

trachemys

"imposter syndrome"

Always makes me laugh. I've spent my life being an imposter. "of course, I know what I'm doing!"

But, I'm doing.

I'm not like most in the world just waiting for direction. I'm doing. Sure, I'll make a mistake. But, I'm doing. Most people don't. They wait for orders. They sit and fume and languish.

When you are trying, you get recognized.

MyLittleHorsie

Relax, accounting is not hard. It's why there are hundreds of thousands of people keeping books with nothing more than a general college education. Having said that, keep a book beside you, write down everything. Keep a log of your day, even write down totals as you go and run a daily summary to make sure you match. Anything can be changed with a journal entry

I used to be insecure with my work, towards the end of my Masters, those of us with our final dissertation upcoming were in a pitch class - we were talking and I said, well I feel crappy sometimes, I got a good pep talk LOL, it always bothered me not to have that little slip of paper - OK large parchment saying I was an MBA, I had done the work for 20 years, starting out at a time when they took us "ladies", and finished us, important things, how often to keep up our hairstyles and make-up, not to flirt with husbands if wives were present, to only answer questions once and be direct as nobody cared what a woman thought about finance anyways... I always had to wear a suit jacket because I had a tattoo on my back.

The point is, have confidence, jobs are hard won and if you don't have the stuff, they would not have invested the time or money into getting you where you are. Go easy on yourself, nobody ever got mad because accounting took a bit longer to get tasks done. All anyone cares about is it is done right and accurately, especially with a new person!

Nonsensical

What are the answers to those questions?

Is there a dungeon under the building for bookkeepers who make mistakes? Seems unlikely, but it amused me to conceive it. Might make a good Monty Python skit.

Or maybe a supervisor would instruct you to be more careful next time? How hard is that? That doesn't seem so bad.

Or maybe you would just feel bad about it, and you're being harder on yourself than you'd ever be on anyone else. And you hate that feeling of feeling bad about yourself so much that you'd go blow everything up with a drunken spree just to get fired so you wouldn't have to risk feeling bad about yourself over a forgotten zero?

I don't really know. But I do know this: you've been out in the arena fighting the bull day in and day out for months and months now. You're out there risking a beat down every day. You're not in the audience and you're not out in the parking lot. You're in the arena. You're doing it! That's all that matters. It doesn't even matter if the bull wins every once in a while. All that matters is that you get up the next day and get back in the arena.

Your badass is facing down an addiction. Snatching your life back from desolation and death. Zeros ain't got sh!t on you, Mera!

Go do this thing!

Anna

Mera, they hired you because they knew you could do the job. And the woman going on maternity leave is passing her job to you because she knows you can do it. I definitely can relate to the lack of confidence though. When I was working with cash I tended to panic if I made a mistake. Instantly, my breathing would become rapid and my head would become fuzzy - fight or flight, and I couldn't think. So, I knew for sure, I had to stop that before it took over.

You can do this, Mera, and I'm glad you posted about it.

FallingStars

I can relate. I sat in my car in the parking lot my first day at a new job and just about cried. I had "imagined" so many things that could go wrong. But it was just that...imagination. All went fine. I know now that I overreact to things in my mind and I have to consciously find a way to fight those thoughts. Best to you.

Delilah1

Hi Mera,

First, I am so proud of you as you step into this new role. Your journey is inspiring.

You are definitely qualified, if you weren't, they would not have selected you to take over. You have worked closely with this person before she went out on leave, and that will be a good base. If you have a chance ask her for any last minute advice, write it down and keep it with you.

Try not to overthink the emails. I have learned to be brief and to the point when sending emails, I also always put the actual subject in the email, so it doesn't get lost in their inbox. "Meeting agenda for January 11th," something like this let's the person know exactly what is in there.

Finally, everyone makes mistakes and fails sometimes at work. Unless you have done something illegal or immoral it will be okay, and you will learn from it.

Most importantly, do NOT drink. You know this will only sabotage yourself, and will not allow you to prove to yourself how ready and deserving you are for this new position.

Breathe my friend, you've got this.

❤️Delilah

DarklingSong

When I started my career I was sick every morning going to work. I never thought I would be good enough. Finally with experience the anxiety gradually lifted.....once you get through those first few days when you are doing it alone....you will be fine. I know from your posts you are super smart. There is nothing to fear. Get through those first few days, accept the anxiety, and tell that predatory AV to **** off.
Best wishes to you.

ReadyAtLast

you will do a fabulous job, they picked you because they know you are capable and competent. You will be fine

Breathem relax and don't drink.

2ndhandrose

I have experienced this kind of work anxiety, too, Mera.

What helped me were lists for anything that was critical for me to remember to do, that I could check as frequently as I needed.

I also tried to remind myself that I wouldn't get fired for making a mistake, I would get corrected.

It has taken me quite awhile into my sobriety to trust myself and not go to that level of anxiety.



(edited to add: I have to work on letting go of "perfection". Like the Unicorn, it simply doesn't exist. )

KissMyTiara

I am an accountant. Actually a CPA. I have made many financial mistakes. And I am a professional. So what!!!! It is easy to fix. Paid to much? Get the money back. Paid too little pay more. Seriously. It is not a big deal. Just numbers.

Dee74

I hope the responses here have helped Mera.

I was scared of failure too but I was even more scared of success.
In reality I think I was most scared of change.

I believe that you were hired based on the person you are - even if you find that hard to accept right now, several of us can see it too

You may make mistakes - everyone does - even me

you'll be OK

D

DontRemember

I'm sure you will do outstanding on your own there! Nothing to stress over.

Mac4711

Mera,
I think it would also be good to put in all into perspective. Do you think 500 years from now people will say: ‘Oh, we remember it well, in the year 2017 AD Mera once wired the wrong amount! What a shame! The people of Italy and the world will never forget!’?
;-)