Jeaneliz22

I'm new this site so I apologize if this topic has already been covered but I need some answers. I had reconnected with a guy from my childhood who told me he was 2 years sober and had been in a program out in AZ. We started a romantic relationship but it ended quickly because his sponsor told him that he wasn't ready for a relationship. He told me that he isn't supposed to have any relationships while he's going through the steps. What I don't understand is, even though he's going through the steps again with a new sponsor, why does he have to refrain from relationships when he's already 2 years sober? Could there be more to this? Maybe there's something he hasn't told me? I was really impressed with this guy overall and it seemed like he was doing well until his sponsor got upset with him. Then he just pulled away from me and seemed to be really ashamed. Is he more broken than I realized?

Berrybean

Maybe he's not really 2 years sober

Maybe he just got scared of committing to a new relationship and used that as as excuse.

Maybe he's got 'stuff' on his inventory that are still causing him problems

Maybe he has a control freak sponsor

Maybe you will never know the full story ... same as if it was an relationship finishing with someone who wasn't in recovery. If he genuinely isn't ready to get involved though you've probably been saved a lot of future hurt. An alcoholic who's actively drinking, or one with scant recovery (he may not have been working on recovery for 2 years even if he has been sober that long) may well seem very impressive at first. They can also be irrational, selfish and a bit brat-like.

I'd suggest that you just try to accept it as one of those mysteries of life. More may be revealed later, or it may not be. But he's stated his case, and obviously isn't on the market right now after all. It's probably not personal.

BB

Gottalife

[QUOTE=Jeaneliz22;6742449] We started a romantic relationship but it ended quickly because his sponsor told him that he wasn't ready for a relationship. He told me that he isn't supposed to have any relationships while he's going through the steps. when he's already 2 years sober? Could there be more to this?

Well, there could always be more to it, we have no way of knowing. What I can tell you is that none of the above is part of the AA program of recovery as laid out in the book Alcoholics Anonymous.

His sponsor is playing God. How does he know what relationship is right for your friend? He doesn't. That is between you, your friend and God. A sponsor has no business interfering in this area.

Probably not much you can do about it though. Just wait and see.

grayghost1965

I've heard about this stuff, and why I am not a fan of the sponsor/AA thing. I've heard that sponsors will tell sponsees, "I'm not in a relationship, so you can't be in one." If the guy is truly sober and makes you happy, go for it. Remember, sponsors are drunks themselves, and if they aren't balanced, they can be harmful too - good luck.

August252015

Agree with Berrybean's thoughts on this one.

I can also say that self-protectiveness in my early sobriety was paramount, and when I did enter a relationship (at 5 1/2 mo sober) it was a very unusual situation with the only person I can imagine being with; we are now married. The start of our relationship (this time- we actually dated in high school) was still of much prayer, consideration and discussion with my sponsor though getting involved with him was one of the safest "risks" I could ever take. My now husband was also in recovery, albeit just a month when we started seeing each other, and neither then nor now can I "take his inventory" as far as his step work, etc go. I am completely confident in his program and in fact we work ours individually and together every day. That's the only kind of relationship for me.

Focusing on my individual recovery, then a relationship- along with everything else in my life- has been key to my continued recovery here at almost 23 months.

Best to you.

EliL

Most times the sponsee will go against the advice of the sponsor in these matters and will take the relationship over recovery; most of the time this ends in absolute disaster for one or both of the parties concerned in the relationship. I’ve seen this happen lots of times in the rooms of AA and it is amazing how quickly it goes wrong and spectacularly so. I think you have quite a touch of luck personally you should be thankful he listened to his sponsor.

D122y

Jean,

I would except what my love interest feels and consider finding a new one. Love is a two way street.

If a person really loves me, everything about me, good and bad, there is nothing anyone can say to to stop that.

I have been to AA enough to know that there is nothing different about AA relationships than what I would see at the gym or at work.

The forum promotes extremely honest communication, like here. Those open comm lines enhance mental health.

I wouldn't worry that AA is causing the trouble. I would let my love interest go free. If they return....it was meant to be...but only if I want them back.

Thanks.

Gottalife

True and exactly why the sponsor has no business giving such advice. He immediately puts a barrier between himself and his sponsee, and prevents him carrying the message he is supposed to be carrying. My sponsor bit his tongue when I ran off with a known predator. In so doing, he kept the door open for me to go back to him when it all went wrong, which everybody except me seemed to know would happen.

I never chose a relationship over recovery. The way I saw it, a relationship with a lovely recovering alcoholic would help my recovery, not realising that relationships have absolutely nothing to do with whether I would recover or not. "wife or no wife, job or no job..." These external things have nothing to do with recovery from alcoholism. But all mistakes provide opportunity for growth and all the two year rule which is not AA anyway, does is delay the mistakes.

And nobody knows if it really works because nobody has ever done it,