charis78

My ex Boyfriend who suffered from alcoholism contacted me recently (2.5 years later ) saying he was remorseful for how he treated me and wanted to meet face to face to talk it out and see where it goes. I asked if he was trying to make amends for a program and he said no he’s not in any program as he doesn’t have a problem (although often he admits he does). I declined bc I didn’t feel ready to meet up at this time (I was afraid of getting hurt again) and said let’s message for now and maybe in the future when I trust u more. So we talked for about six months. Recently we got in a fight and I got angry and said I expected that after hurting me the way you did (abandoning me during heart surgery) I thought u would at least do AA for a year before contacting me like I asked and he should be ashamed that he would contact me after all the hurt he caused without doing so. I lashed out a bit. He likely interprets it as throwing his drinking in his face which he says I do. (Throwing it in his face is asking him to get help to control his drinking). Anyways he is ignoring me now and it’s been two months and has not replied to my attempt at mending fences. I feel guilty like I should have met up with him. And bc he is ignoring me I feel like I have wronged him. And my head thinks he obviously doesn’t care that much just to ignore me again even though I lashed out.

SparkleKitty

So, he is still drinking and nothing has changed?

Hawkeye13

Sounds like you made a good choice to me

That doesn't look like recovery

OpheliaKatz

Sounds like he's still an active addict.

maia1234

So after cutting ties with a drunk for 2.5 years, he reached out, you slowly allow the addict back in your life, expecting a different person. He is still actively drinking and owns nothing of his past. He gets you hooked again. You offend him by telling him "your truth" and he doesn't want to hear it and cuts you off.

What part of this relationship is sane? I would say none. He has gifted you the 2 months of silence. Please don't open up that can of worms with this addict, "who doesn't have a drinking problem". Accept him for who he is. He is not going to own his part in the relationship, because he is just not there. Move on my friend, it is a dead end street loving an addict. I guess you just needed a 2.5 year reminder. No different then an alcoholic picking up a drink after 2.5 years sober, because he feels things are different, its just not going to work. Keep coming back my friend!!

dandylion

charis.....I don't see any reason to feel guilty...and, I don't think you have wronged him.
After all...you have seen this movie, before....and, you already know how it ends.

Since he abandoned you when you had heart surgery---I think he has a nerve to even expect you to speak to him!

atalose

Personally, my thoughts are, emotionally it did not matter if it was face to face or just talking you placed yourself right back into a known situation with an alcoholic where nothing on his end had changed and again your feelings have been hurt by him and his behaviors.

Guilt is something we feel when we have done something wrong to someone else. The only someone else I see you did wrong to was to yourself.

His actions of ignoring you are speaking volumes about him and his respect for you but it is also giving you a great opportunity to finally let go of this hurtful person and put him in your past. The only kind of future you will have with him will only bring you hurt and pain.

glenl

To the bolded - that's some clarity right there. We can relapse just like they can. I never thought of it that way.

firebolt

You asked him not to contact you until he had a year of recovery, and now you are the one reaching out.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. It sounds like circling back to your original, VERY HEALTHY boundary is a good idea!

Hang in there - when I "fell off the wagon" so to speak, the kind people here told me that it's ok, sometimes you have to reach out and touch the burner to see if it's still hot. It is, my friend!

thephoenixrises

He sounds awesome. NOT. Keep on moving...and don’t look back.
(My ex would do things like this too-reach out in hopes of a response. Still an addict so same song and dance. He didn’t change, I did. )

Keep coming back here-we all need a kick in the pants sometime

trailmix

He MAY care about you greatly, or as greatly as an active addict can. Reading between the lines of your post he is still drinking correct?

So basically he contacted you to see if YOUR stance on his drinking had changed.

charis78

I apologize for taking so long to reply...logging in issues. He says he doesn’t drink anymore. Instead he vapes and uses marijuana. Likely still has a substance use problem just replacing. I hate when he ignores me like this bc it makes me feel like I’m the problem or something is wrong with me. Like I deserve it bc I wasn’t nice or I sent too many angry texts. He likely will not contact me again and I am cutting ties bc I’m sick of being here. Anyone who has read my old posts is probably rolling their eyes bc same toxic pattern. He makes contact is nice for a while then everything blows up, he deserts and I’m left feeling like I’m crazy lunatic that he can’t even respond too. I wonder if therapy would help me be a stronger person who doesn’t doubt my initial instinct. Am I wrong to think a mature adult wouldn’t ignore you but try to talk out their differences. The more I’m ignored the more angry I get . I mean he disappeared when I was in the icu struggling for my life to go on a bender bc he felt ashamed for showing up drunk. Why is it always about him. I know I need to be responsible too and just block him and not give him the opportunity to come back. I guess I always hoped he actually get help since he claimed he was so remorseful at the time and now. Seems like he’s the one always rejecting me although given his behavior it should be me rejecting him but everytime I get that chance to say no way in hell I hem and haw and compromise eg not meeting up but let’s keep in contact for now and see where it goes. Why can’t I just say no thank you. I’m not joining that circus again and ignore him ugh

charis78

Holy moly. I just went back and looked at all my previous threads and can’t believe how many different variations on this story I have posted. This was very enlightening. No wonder he doesn’t respect me. I keep letting him back to do the exact same thing. Time to cut ties completely. He has had ample chances to fix things but he’s not serious about it. Thanks everyone for their patience and support and promise there won’t be a thread a few months from now with similar story

dandylion

charis.....you touched the stove, again, (like a lot of us do).....and, yes, it is still hot.....

dandylion

charis....you have been on the forum for a long time....but, I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles.....you might have read them before, but....I think a review of them, again will help you get past this hump....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)


Also....you may have read the book that is like a "bible" around here..."Co-Dependent No More". It is an easy read, and I think a lot will resonate with you.....

Stop beating yourself up. Make a list of the worst things that have come your way as a result of this relationship and keep it close by, at all times.
Read it every time you feel weak in the knees. And.....nail the door shut.

Eauchiche

I have had people in my life who didn't have to drink to be crazy. Those folks are at the center of their own universes. Before I started my own recovery, I used to seek out people like that so I could serve them. In retrospect, I was looking for false gods that I could "worship."

Occasionally, I get a phone message or text from one of them after a long time of no-contact. I believe they visit around their circle of "friends" to find a sucker who has grown weak and will serve them again.

If your ex ever chooses recovery, you will have to hear about it from others. Until then, KEEP COMING BACK!!!!