RedAndy

Last few months have been horrendous, struggling with depression and anxiety and off work since walking out unable to cope mid September, took an overdose at the start of October and have found myself in limbo after Home based Mental health team signed me over to Primary Care late November as a bit of a wait for psychologist appointment, hoping to get it through soon.

I know with my mental state drinking on it not the best idea but after starting again after 20 months sobriety it has felt like a slight relief every now and then and desperately wanted to be able to drink normally, not regularly and limited to 4 pints - that’s until Christmas came and with the drink in the house let’s just say moderation was the last thing on my mind - also started hiding drinks and sneaking / lying which had become a thing of the past - like I’d lit the touch paper again but could definitely see this was going to be a progression if I don’t do something about it - If I’m totally honest I knew it was inevitable this would happen before I picked that first drink up and can’t say I wasn’t told the same - I need to face facts that I never have drank normally and never will - my state of mind can’t cope with it but I just wanted to escape, it’s still there tho and there is no escape, I’m willing to accept I am powerless over alcohol. Fact is I genuinely feel I can’t live with it and can’t live without it - completely lost in my own mind.

With the delay in mental health appointments and still unable to work but isolating myself massively, finding it extremely difficult to speak to anyone, even reaching out on here. I made contact with alcohol services I was under previously and back into service also suggested I give AA another shot, willing to try anything as I really do need help in getting my head together - it’s a mess in there right now, attending meetings everyday (2 tomorrow) even with anxiety going thro the roof and got myself a sponsor today so starting step work straight away.

Had 650 days but now back on Day 4.

Dee74

I'm sorry to read how much you've been struggling Andy, but I'm glad you're back.

I hope that the mental health team, along with things like AA and SR can help you get back to where you want to be

D

Hevyn

RedAndy - It's so good to have you back with us. 4 days is wonderful progress.

Nowsthetime

Hey!!!

I remember you!

Glad to see you and hope to see you around.

Sohard

It sounds like you're going through a bit of hell right now. Despite that, though, you're fighting and on day 4. That's very, very impressive - I mean that. In my mind, there's few things harder than addiction coupled with mental health issues. And neither come along with much understanding from society. I know what you're doing is TOUGH - most people have never had to have such an experience - and I applaud your fight and your 4 day success. Keep going!

thomas11

Nice to see you again RedAndy. Support to you my friend.

MariahGayle

Glad you are here Andy....take it easy & be kind to yourself

Delilah1

I'm glad you're back Andy, and day four is much better than day one. Sounds like you have some good supports that will help you, I hope they fall into place soon.

MythOfSisyphus

Welcome back, Andy. It sounds like you're in a better place than a few weeks ago. Keep at it, you'll get there!

joandmelandhan

I'm glad you made it back too Andy.
What a difficult situation you're in clearly needing the help but having to wait. Please lean on us to help you through. Take care xxx

Stronger2017

Welcome back Andy. I went back to old habits when I picked up again too.

RedAndy

Thank you everyone, appreciate the kind words and support.

Having to really push myself here, unable to sleep at night presently, have to get moving tho as I have a “feeling good” group session at 10 to help deal with anxiety - AA at 12.15 and a one to one at 2 plus the evening meeting I have also committed too.

There’s a permanent voice in my head that just keeps repeating “I can’t” with absolutely anything and everything I need to do, screaming at me at times, but i guess I can and I am today - that’s actually the most positive thing I have thought in a good while.

Keep hearing be kind to yourself and don’t be so hard on yourself - need to stop beating myself up and start climbing out of this hole.

theVman31

Welcome back Andy.
Well done for coming clean.

This part of your post sticks in my head :

"If I’m totally honest I knew it was inevitable this would happen before I picked that first drink up and can’t say I wasn’t told the same - I need to face facts that I never have drank normally and never will - my state of mind can’t cope with it but I just wanted to escape, it’s still there tho and there is no escape, I’m willing to accept I am powerless over alcohol. Fact is I genuinely feel I can’t live with it and can’t live without it - completely lost in my own mind."

Its a proper pig isnt it the booze and addiction.

Power on ANDY .

DarklingSong

Welcome back. This struggle is so hard sometimes. You are doing brilliantly in reaching out and getting help.
Support to you.

Dee74

Theres some great ideas on negative self talk here Andy

Challenging negative thinking | ReachOut.com Australia
Negative Self-Talk: 9 Ways To Silence Your Inner Critic
Challenging Negative Self-Talk | Psych Central
Positive thinking: Reduce stress by eliminating negative self-talk - Mayo Clinic
Change Your Inner Talk From Negative To Positive

tufty13

You are an inspiration to me Andy and you always have been.

Probably the most courageous man I've ever met.

Time now to give yourself some love, you deserve it. You are a remarkable human being.

And, boy am I glad you've left that job. I believe I suggested you do that about eighteen months ago?

Always be changing Andy, I've found sobriety is very much a journey away from the past and into the unknown. Have absolute faith that you are on the right path. It certainly seems that way to me.


I love you, man.