He Just Doesn't Get It
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 43
He Just Doesn't Get It
Needing to vent today! My AH is wanting to go out of town this weekend. We have traveled a lot in our marriage rather it be a out of state trips or just weekend get always. Of course these trips he always gets plastered, and a lot of the day is spent bar hopping. He just can't imagine why I don't want to go. I told him I didn't want to be stuck somewhere with the kids while he is drunk, or waiting on him to get up around 11 am the next day to get our day started. All the while trying to keep 3 kids quiet so daddy can sleep! He gets defensive about his drinking, and tells me I'm just trying to ruin his fun! I made a promise to myself this year that I would put myself first, and if I felt uncomfortable or didn't want to do something I wouldn't. Well he just can't get it that I would be so mean and rude not to go on vacation with him! UGH
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 15
I am SO with you on this. Vacations are a NIGHTMARE. I spend all my time either watching our kiddo with zero help from spouse (when kiddo comes along) or watching spouse drink drink drink drink. Nothing on vacay can be fun without a drink in hand... eyeroll.
I haven't had a relaxing vacation since we got married.
Spouse is OOT this weekend, so I'm taking kiddo to my folks' house and hopefully can relax there.
I haven't had a relaxing vacation since we got married.
Spouse is OOT this weekend, so I'm taking kiddo to my folks' house and hopefully can relax there.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 43
Originally Posted by DocK 
I am SO with you on this. Vacations are a NIGHTMARE. I spend all my time either watching our kiddo with zero help from spouse (when kiddo comes along) or watching spouse drink drink drink drink. Nothing on vacay can be fun without a drink in hand... eyeroll.
I haven't had a relaxing vacation since we got married.
Spouse is OOT this weekend, so I'm taking kiddo to my folks' house and hopefully can relax there.
I haven't had a relaxing vacation since we got married.
Spouse is OOT this weekend, so I'm taking kiddo to my folks' house and hopefully can relax there.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I had to accept that my ex had a huge investment in "not getting it." He was living exactly the way he wanted to live. Everything revolved around his wants and whims, the entire family chipping in to ensure his happiness. J.K. Rowling compared this dynamic to ancient island tribes sacrificing to appease a volcano- futile all around, both will erupt no matter what.
I had to decide that I didn't want to live that way anymore, that I didn't want my kids to grow up thinking that this was how adults behaved, to continue the cycle of alcoholism and abuse with their own families.
I had to decide that I didn't want to live that way anymore, that I didn't want my kids to grow up thinking that this was how adults behaved, to continue the cycle of alcoholism and abuse with their own families.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
I had to accept that my ex had a huge investment in "not getting it." He was living exactly the way he wanted to live.
Holy cow. I'm wearing a look of realization over here.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
I've been going through this. I've been having daily 'discussions' with H since the first of the year. He has a stake in his way of life so his reaction is to get upset if I tell him otherwise. Last night I told him "he needs help realizing what life is all about." It just becomes draining.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
I had to accept that my ex had a huge investment in "not getting it." He was living exactly the way he wanted to live. Everything revolved around his wants and whims, the entire family chipping in to ensure his happiness. J.K. Rowling compared this dynamic to ancient island tribes sacrificing to appease a volcano- futile all around, both will erupt no matter what.
I had to decide that I didn't want to live that way anymore, that I didn't want my kids to grow up thinking that this was how adults behaved, to continue the cycle of alcoholism and abuse with their own families.
I had to decide that I didn't want to live that way anymore, that I didn't want my kids to grow up thinking that this was how adults behaved, to continue the cycle of alcoholism and abuse with their own families.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Completely understand about the travel thing, though for different reasons.
We travelled a bit when we both worked.
I got a nice long winter break, so we often went to Europe.
Usually large cities, though There were some countryside tours.
While some parts of it were great, as who doesn’t like staying in a hotel, eating delicious food, and visiting cool places.
But...I don’t like cities. Too busy, too populated, etc.
And my spouse always treated our travels as if the country was going to implode the next week, so we needed to see EVERYTHING.
I needed a vacation from the vacation.
Plus airplanes make me anxious.
The last time we went, two years ago, I vowed to tell him upon our return that I really didn’t enjoy travelling to another country and that I didn’t want to do it anymore.
Unless It’s Canada.
I love Canada.
He wasn’t really surprised. His desire to travel has always been greater than mine.
And he likes New York City, which to me is a descent into the ninth ring of hell.
So...I spoke my truth and it was accepted with grace.
He went to Normandy last year on his own to visit the battlefield.
On the way back, he spent a few nights in London, a city he always likes to visit.
I stayed home with the cats, very happy to do so.
Some of us just don’t like to leave home.
Add the drinking and bar hopping and hangovers to an already stressful trip with children.
It sounds like a total freakin nightmare, and good for you for saying that you are done. chevfb.
We travelled a bit when we both worked.
I got a nice long winter break, so we often went to Europe.
Usually large cities, though There were some countryside tours.
While some parts of it were great, as who doesn’t like staying in a hotel, eating delicious food, and visiting cool places.
But...I don’t like cities. Too busy, too populated, etc.
And my spouse always treated our travels as if the country was going to implode the next week, so we needed to see EVERYTHING.
I needed a vacation from the vacation.
Plus airplanes make me anxious.
The last time we went, two years ago, I vowed to tell him upon our return that I really didn’t enjoy travelling to another country and that I didn’t want to do it anymore.
Unless It’s Canada.
I love Canada.
He wasn’t really surprised. His desire to travel has always been greater than mine.
And he likes New York City, which to me is a descent into the ninth ring of hell.
So...I spoke my truth and it was accepted with grace.
He went to Normandy last year on his own to visit the battlefield.
On the way back, he spent a few nights in London, a city he always likes to visit.
I stayed home with the cats, very happy to do so.
Some of us just don’t like to leave home.
Add the drinking and bar hopping and hangovers to an already stressful trip with children.
It sounds like a total freakin nightmare, and good for you for saying that you are done. chevfb.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
I agree with anvil, let him go. My axh did the same thing. Found a sport that he could go party like a rock star with 20 somethings every weekend. Bye bye!! It's an excuse to go and drink, that's it, nothing more.
Put your foot down and tell him to find a friend to go with ( don't let him take the kids) he would have more fun with another drinker anyway. Don't let the door hit him in the xss!!
Put your foot down and tell him to find a friend to go with ( don't let him take the kids) he would have more fun with another drinker anyway. Don't let the door hit him in the xss!!
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Well he just can't get it that I would be so mean and rude not to go on vacation with him! UGH
drunk me wouldnt understand either because i was only looking from my vantage point. i wasnt seeing how aweful it must have been to be around me on vacation when i was drunk as cooter brown.
im wondering why he thinks its so important you go with him. lots of couples take vacations seperately.
actually not much wonderin there- wants vacation without the responsibility of being a husband and father and without wife/mom there, he wont have anyone to take care of anything- hed have to do some adulting.
let him go and wish him a good time.
drunk me wouldnt understand either because i was only looking from my vantage point. i wasnt seeing how aweful it must have been to be around me on vacation when i was drunk as cooter brown.
im wondering why he thinks its so important you go with him. lots of couples take vacations seperately.
actually not much wonderin there- wants vacation without the responsibility of being a husband and father and without wife/mom there, he wont have anyone to take care of anything- hed have to do some adulting.
let him go and wish him a good time.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 224
Oh man, I used to take what I thought were vacations with my xah, that always were exactly what you described. Him doing whatever he wanted, when he wanted while I managed the kids and every other aspect of the vacation. It was just like when we were at home - except smaller spaces and his bad behavior, selfishness and uncanny ability to manage to do/see whatever he wanted was front and center for me to see very clearly. It was harder for me to be in denial about my life while on "vacation" with him.
After being out of the madness, the kids and I have experienced so many true, relaxing and fun vacations .... I had no idea vacationing with kids could be so much fun. Words cannot express how easy all aspects of my life became without a drunk king baby causing chaos. I now love to travel and see new places once again.
I agree with the others, proud of you for saying you didn't want to go. Hugs
After being out of the madness, the kids and I have experienced so many true, relaxing and fun vacations .... I had no idea vacationing with kids could be so much fun. Words cannot express how easy all aspects of my life became without a drunk king baby causing chaos. I now love to travel and see new places once again.
I agree with the others, proud of you for saying you didn't want to go. Hugs
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Are you afraid to tell him to go without you and the kids? I would think you’d welcome a weekend without alcohol or addict behaviors haunting you. Unless, those haunting thoughts of him off alone drinking and doing who knows what would dampen your weekend without him.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 15
Mine just left for a conference and won't be back until Sunday. I can't tell you all how FREE I feel right now. Going to soak up the next several days and recharge myself. It's just me and my little peanut and we are going to see grandma and grandpa (my folks) tomorrow evening and stay the weekend. And it's going to be AWESOME.
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Chev....he doesn't have to get it. In fact, he can stay mad till he gets glad.
On the other hand....YOU have to get it that his reaction is up to him. It is not your job to make him happy to your own detriment....
You may need to grow a thick rhino skin....otherwise, it sounds l I ke you are in a lopsided relationship. The short end of the stick stinks....
I trust that you are reading the articles from the "Classic Readings" list that I recommended. in your first thread....as well as "Co-Dependent No More"...."
This will help you to understand what your rights are and how to establish boundaries in a relationship.....
C0-Dependent No More has a workbook that you might like....
Better use of your free time than traveling with self centered alcoholic....don't you think...lol......
On the other hand....YOU have to get it that his reaction is up to him. It is not your job to make him happy to your own detriment....
You may need to grow a thick rhino skin....otherwise, it sounds l I ke you are in a lopsided relationship. The short end of the stick stinks....
I trust that you are reading the articles from the "Classic Readings" list that I recommended. in your first thread....as well as "Co-Dependent No More"...."
This will help you to understand what your rights are and how to establish boundaries in a relationship.....
C0-Dependent No More has a workbook that you might like....
Better use of your free time than traveling with self centered alcoholic....don't you think...lol......
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