“Relapsing” back into EXABF addiction... and a rant.
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“Relapsing” back into EXABF addiction... and a rant.
Hi everyone,
It’s me again, sorry to keep posting about this over and over again, and i apologise for wyt another lengthy post, but these last few days have been rough for me and i’m not sure if what i’m feeling is normal anymore.
It’s been almost 2 months after the breakup between my cocaine using ex and I. Although it was mutual, it was technically him who pulled the trigger as i felt i was too chicken to do it. So naturally, for the first few weeks, i was utterly devastated. My mind was in a constant fog, i wasn’t functional at work and couldnt eat/sleep. All i would do was ruminate about the things he would say, what he was doing, why he was able to move on so quickly.. it was a constant obsession.
When we were together, he would be the first thing i thought about, and the last thing before i went to bed. I would constantly be worried about the things he would do when we werent together, who he would talk to, etc. My behaviours came about because of the lack of trust i had in him, i knew he was flirting with other women, goving out his number, i knew he was a marijuana smoker, and did cocaine in the past, but everytime i would catch him in a lie, he would get defensive and tell me that i was being jealous for no reason, needy and insecure and nagging. I believed it. I believed that i was officially the crazy girlfriend that he said i was, and to prove to myself and him that i wasnt, i set my boundries lower and accepted things more openly. I started to even understand (make excuses) for why he would occasionally use cocaine in the first place (“you just needed to feel good, and a 15min boost of confidence was what you needed, i get it” now that i think of it i’m like whaaaat were you thinking?!?)
I realised that i was entirely codependant on him. To the point where he literally became an obsession for me. And not necessarily always in a happy loving way, but my life was preoccupied with helping him when he was in trouble, or helping him avoid certain triggers that would cause him to spiral down.
Anyway, i bought Beattie’s book, “codependant no more” and i cried at the first few chapters because i saw myself in a book! It has helped me get through, and honestly i had been feeling a lot better with myself, focusing on self healing, seeing my friends, a psychologist, eating again, and laughing..
But yesterday i felt like i had a complete relapse to my ex. I found out that he had an old online dating app account dated back to our first year together. I know this because of the pictures he had used and it was diring the time we were together and completely and utterly in love with eachother. I called him out on it one time during our first year and he said he just forgot to close it after meeting me. I believed him without looking at the account in the first place. But yesterday i did see the pics and it devastated me. The lies, the manipulation, the betrayal and addiction and him playing the victim. Im so upset, upset that i let myself be sucked into that again. Now i feel like i did on Day 1, depressed, numb.. Is this normal? Do codependants experience relapses like addicts do?
When i loaned him money last month (which he hasnt paid back yet) i didnt feel sad, if anything i felt a sense of validation in a weird way, that my gut feeling was right the entire time. He would air out his dirty laundry on facebook about how he plans to turn his life around, move forward, and get better, but i feel its only for the “likes” and “bravos”, because a day later, here he is asking his EX gf for money. (I found out this week that him and his brother went to his NEW job, took money from cashes, and went to the casino. They were on something for sure, but when they couldnt get the money back, the manager found out and told my ex to never show his face again to work.
I feel like every step i take forward, i take 3 back. I feel like i dont know what to do to help myself. I have obsessive thoughts and high anxiety about this breakup, and i thought that my psych would help me understand a bit more but i feel like im paying 120$ to just let her hear me talk and nod without any constructive professional advice. I guess this is why i come to these forums and read from people who have lived this. It seems to be the only great pieces of advice i get from anyone.
It’s me again, sorry to keep posting about this over and over again, and i apologise for wyt another lengthy post, but these last few days have been rough for me and i’m not sure if what i’m feeling is normal anymore.
It’s been almost 2 months after the breakup between my cocaine using ex and I. Although it was mutual, it was technically him who pulled the trigger as i felt i was too chicken to do it. So naturally, for the first few weeks, i was utterly devastated. My mind was in a constant fog, i wasn’t functional at work and couldnt eat/sleep. All i would do was ruminate about the things he would say, what he was doing, why he was able to move on so quickly.. it was a constant obsession.
When we were together, he would be the first thing i thought about, and the last thing before i went to bed. I would constantly be worried about the things he would do when we werent together, who he would talk to, etc. My behaviours came about because of the lack of trust i had in him, i knew he was flirting with other women, goving out his number, i knew he was a marijuana smoker, and did cocaine in the past, but everytime i would catch him in a lie, he would get defensive and tell me that i was being jealous for no reason, needy and insecure and nagging. I believed it. I believed that i was officially the crazy girlfriend that he said i was, and to prove to myself and him that i wasnt, i set my boundries lower and accepted things more openly. I started to even understand (make excuses) for why he would occasionally use cocaine in the first place (“you just needed to feel good, and a 15min boost of confidence was what you needed, i get it” now that i think of it i’m like whaaaat were you thinking?!?)
I realised that i was entirely codependant on him. To the point where he literally became an obsession for me. And not necessarily always in a happy loving way, but my life was preoccupied with helping him when he was in trouble, or helping him avoid certain triggers that would cause him to spiral down.
Anyway, i bought Beattie’s book, “codependant no more” and i cried at the first few chapters because i saw myself in a book! It has helped me get through, and honestly i had been feeling a lot better with myself, focusing on self healing, seeing my friends, a psychologist, eating again, and laughing..
But yesterday i felt like i had a complete relapse to my ex. I found out that he had an old online dating app account dated back to our first year together. I know this because of the pictures he had used and it was diring the time we were together and completely and utterly in love with eachother. I called him out on it one time during our first year and he said he just forgot to close it after meeting me. I believed him without looking at the account in the first place. But yesterday i did see the pics and it devastated me. The lies, the manipulation, the betrayal and addiction and him playing the victim. Im so upset, upset that i let myself be sucked into that again. Now i feel like i did on Day 1, depressed, numb.. Is this normal? Do codependants experience relapses like addicts do?
When i loaned him money last month (which he hasnt paid back yet) i didnt feel sad, if anything i felt a sense of validation in a weird way, that my gut feeling was right the entire time. He would air out his dirty laundry on facebook about how he plans to turn his life around, move forward, and get better, but i feel its only for the “likes” and “bravos”, because a day later, here he is asking his EX gf for money. (I found out this week that him and his brother went to his NEW job, took money from cashes, and went to the casino. They were on something for sure, but when they couldnt get the money back, the manager found out and told my ex to never show his face again to work.
I feel like every step i take forward, i take 3 back. I feel like i dont know what to do to help myself. I have obsessive thoughts and high anxiety about this breakup, and i thought that my psych would help me understand a bit more but i feel like im paying 120$ to just let her hear me talk and nod without any constructive professional advice. I guess this is why i come to these forums and read from people who have lived this. It seems to be the only great pieces of advice i get from anyone.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh sweetie. Never be sorry for posting here, that's what a forum is for! Post away!
Secondly, you have to cut off contact. And I mean all contact, social media, snooping, looking back, etc. If not you are simply putting yourself back to square one, over and over again.
You have a choice. Look back at the past that you cannot change, or change your future by working on YOU!!!!
Big hugs!
Secondly, you have to cut off contact. And I mean all contact, social media, snooping, looking back, etc. If not you are simply putting yourself back to square one, over and over again.
You have a choice. Look back at the past that you cannot change, or change your future by working on YOU!!!!
Big hugs!
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Do codependants experience relapses like addicts do?
No new contact = no new hurts.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
Oh sweetie. Never be sorry for posting here, that's what a forum is for! Post away!
Secondly, you have to cut off contact. And I mean all contact, social media, snooping, looking back, etc. If not you are simply putting yourself back to square one, over and over again.
You have a choice. Look back at the past that you cannot change, or change your future by working on YOU!!!!
Big hugs!
Secondly, you have to cut off contact. And I mean all contact, social media, snooping, looking back, etc. If not you are simply putting yourself back to square one, over and over again.
You have a choice. Look back at the past that you cannot change, or change your future by working on YOU!!!!
Big hugs!
I need to stop with the snooping. But the anxiety gets so high and unbareable that i just give in and either see things that i want to see, or things that i dont.
Sometimes i try to reason with myself by saying that you can listen to the same song a million times until you get fed up and annoyed with it. That’s my sick and twisted reasoning! I have no desire to get back together with him, but ny attachment to him is so incredibly strong that i find it difficult turning the attention back to me and treating myself with care.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
What is making you anxious, Lost?
Do you know, or are you trying to figure it out?
It sounds to me like you are going through a form of grieving .
If so, time will help to heal.
Agree with others that you should block social media.
Doesn’t seem to be helping you much.
Do you know, or are you trying to figure it out?
It sounds to me like you are going through a form of grieving .
If so, time will help to heal.
Agree with others that you should block social media.
Doesn’t seem to be helping you much.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by Maudcat
What is making you anxious, Lost?
Do you know, or are you trying to figure it out?
It sounds to me like you are going through a form of grieving .
If so, time will help to heal.
Agree with others that you should block social media.
Doesn’t seem to be helping you much.
Do you know, or are you trying to figure it out?
It sounds to me like you are going through a form of grieving .
If so, time will help to heal.
Agree with others that you should block social media.
Doesn’t seem to be helping you much.
I think it's a mix of both, I know WHAT i'm anxious about, but i'm trying to figure out WHY i'm so anxious about it.
I do suffer from anxiety, and clearly this breakup has heightened it to a much higher level.
My anxieties revolve around things I cannot control. I know I cannot control what my XABF is doing, I cannot control what choices he makes or things he says (or doesnt say) about our relationship. I can only control how I react to it. But it seems so hard right now.
One of my biggest anxieties at the beginning of our breakup was "what is HE going to do or act 3 months/6 months after this breakup?" Never once did i ask myself how I would be. I really wasn't at all in the mindset of self healing. Now that the months are coming closer to the "date", I feel my anxiety getting worst. Some days are good, I can definitely see a change to some effect in terms of my well-being...crying maybe once a week for brief moment, instead of everyday, or enjoying time with my friends and laughing instead of wallowing. But other times, like today, ill just have no will to do anything but cry.
I thought the mourning process would be a bit easier as time went by, but today i just couldnt take it...with the new revelation i heard yesterday, in addition to him being my first love.... it was way too much to process.
I definitely need to go full on no contact and not wonder how he is or what he's doing.. that's the big problem for me.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
But the anxiety gets so high and unbareable that i just give in and either see things that i want to see, or things that i dont.
let's change the wording a bit.....but the CRAVINGS get so bad, i just give in and have to get more drugs so i can feel better.
he IS your drug. and just like an addict, you need to swear off and start a robust program of recovery.
he is A person who came thru your life. ONE person. no more no less than any other. you chose to designate him as having certain power over you - to "make" you feel things.
go no contact. no snooping, no looking. delete everything regarding him. full stop. then turn your gaze ahead....forward, to the rest of your life.
let's change the wording a bit.....but the CRAVINGS get so bad, i just give in and have to get more drugs so i can feel better.
he IS your drug. and just like an addict, you need to swear off and start a robust program of recovery.
he is A person who came thru your life. ONE person. no more no less than any other. you chose to designate him as having certain power over you - to "make" you feel things.
go no contact. no snooping, no looking. delete everything regarding him. full stop. then turn your gaze ahead....forward, to the rest of your life.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
I believe Anvil speaks true, Lost.
You have given this person way more power than is good.
Taking your power back isn’t always easy, but it is possible.
I would start by blocking the social media stuff completely.
Peace. Good thoughts.
You have given this person way more power than is good.
Taking your power back isn’t always easy, but it is possible.
I would start by blocking the social media stuff completely.
Peace. Good thoughts.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 22
You’re right. This person has so much power over me, some days ill feel a sense of empowerement and strength, and some days i’ll just feel helpless to him.
I don’t want to offend anyone in this forum at all and compare it to substanc/acohol addiction, because as much as i’ll try to understand, i probably never will. But i definitely am taking a glimpse into addiction in some way by the way i see my AXBF. These “cravings” are so uncomfortable, and my anxiety gets incredibly high its almost untolerable.
Codependency sucks, and so tiring and confusing at the same time.
I don’t want to offend anyone in this forum at all and compare it to substanc/acohol addiction, because as much as i’ll try to understand, i probably never will. But i definitely am taking a glimpse into addiction in some way by the way i see my AXBF. These “cravings” are so uncomfortable, and my anxiety gets incredibly high its almost untolerable.
Codependency sucks, and so tiring and confusing at the same time.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 60
As I was reading all of your posts I thought... I know this person (not literally!!) But this was me in some respects.
I know what i want to say but I'm not sure if it will come out right so bare with me!
Like others have said the addict in our lives becomes our drug and the whole focus of our existence. Just like addicts we need to refocus our lives onto positive people, places and experiences without the drug.
I was a big snooper and I could never explain why. My gut knew when he had used or when something wasnt right but I stil snooped to prove it. Now, I think that I was in denial about how bad his addiction was, that I had lowered my boundaries to compensate for his using and i was definitely in denial that I was addicted! The main thing I was addicted to was catching him out, proving him wrong and trying to show him that he was lying - all in the hope that he would see the light and get clean.
I was diagnosed with anxiety - I now believe it was codependency. I knew snooping wouldn't have a good outcome yet i still did it and got some sort of sick satisfaction out of it. Since I have focused on me and trusted my gut instinct more things are better. Most days anxiety is non existent, and I don't snoop- I don't feel i have a need to because my gut instinct will let me know.
I feel your pain and frustration I really do. When the urges to snoop come, distract yourself with school work or calling a friend- the urges will go away again! Sorry it's so long, good luck fighting it x
I know what i want to say but I'm not sure if it will come out right so bare with me!
Like others have said the addict in our lives becomes our drug and the whole focus of our existence. Just like addicts we need to refocus our lives onto positive people, places and experiences without the drug.
I was a big snooper and I could never explain why. My gut knew when he had used or when something wasnt right but I stil snooped to prove it. Now, I think that I was in denial about how bad his addiction was, that I had lowered my boundaries to compensate for his using and i was definitely in denial that I was addicted! The main thing I was addicted to was catching him out, proving him wrong and trying to show him that he was lying - all in the hope that he would see the light and get clean.
I was diagnosed with anxiety - I now believe it was codependency. I knew snooping wouldn't have a good outcome yet i still did it and got some sort of sick satisfaction out of it. Since I have focused on me and trusted my gut instinct more things are better. Most days anxiety is non existent, and I don't snoop- I don't feel i have a need to because my gut instinct will let me know.
I feel your pain and frustration I really do. When the urges to snoop come, distract yourself with school work or calling a friend- the urges will go away again! Sorry it's so long, good luck fighting it x
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Thank you Princessofhope, that is EXACTLY how i felt during the entire relationship (after i found out the first set of lies in the first year of us dating). I felt like i was literally addicted to proving myself right all the time! Hence the snooping, questioning, etc. I also had this sick feeling of satisfaction when the truth came out, almost like a “HA! My gut instinct was right all along!” feeling. Validating the fact that i was right after confronting him about something was so time consuming. I most probably wasnt a fun person to date, so to blame him entirely for the dissolution of our relationship would be completely unfair.
Yet through all the red flags, and lowering my boundries, i still stayed, and to be honest i dont know why. Was it love? Was it my “addiction?” Probably both, and it was one hell of a ride, let me tell you.
I’ve been feeling a rollercoaster of emotions these last few months, from sadness, anger, relief, but last week was the first time i felt a sense of pure guilt. Maybe i was too hard on him, always on his case, calling him out on things, being indifferent. One of the things he told me a few days before we ended things brought me to tears the other day.. he said in the most sincerest way (from what i can twl at least) “ i dont want to make you feel bad or put the blame on you in ANY way, but if i had just been able to go over your place at night, maybe it couldve helped”. Basically saying had he come over he wouldnt’ve done cocaine/gamble. I was just devastated when i heard that. The guilt i had was overwhelming and i had only felt that last week.
Ugh. I hate this emotional roller coaster im in. Days are getting way better as i have a support system made up of friends and family made of pure gold, but the rejection and low self esteem still hurts pretty bad.
Yet through all the red flags, and lowering my boundries, i still stayed, and to be honest i dont know why. Was it love? Was it my “addiction?” Probably both, and it was one hell of a ride, let me tell you.
I’ve been feeling a rollercoaster of emotions these last few months, from sadness, anger, relief, but last week was the first time i felt a sense of pure guilt. Maybe i was too hard on him, always on his case, calling him out on things, being indifferent. One of the things he told me a few days before we ended things brought me to tears the other day.. he said in the most sincerest way (from what i can twl at least) “ i dont want to make you feel bad or put the blame on you in ANY way, but if i had just been able to go over your place at night, maybe it couldve helped”. Basically saying had he come over he wouldnt’ve done cocaine/gamble. I was just devastated when i heard that. The guilt i had was overwhelming and i had only felt that last week.
Ugh. I hate this emotional roller coaster im in. Days are getting way better as i have a support system made up of friends and family made of pure gold, but the rejection and low self esteem still hurts pretty bad.
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