conangirl

I'm confused about how to think about my spouse now that I've spent 4 months in the super-crazy world of meth abuse from him. I've never been an drug abuser or alcoholic. He has been since he was a teen and is not nearly 60. We've been married 7 years and he didn't tell me prior to the wedding that he was an alcoholic and drug abuser. We met at church. He began drinking every night about 2 weeks after our marriage. He was a nice drunk that held his alcohol well...couldn't even tell he'd been drinking after a pint of whiskey and coke. A year later he wrote a letter to my 28-year-old daughter telling her how much he liked her and that he'd have asked her out if he'd met her before me, asking her if she'd have gone out with him and not to tell me and giving her his phone number in case she wanted to talk. She was floored and angry. I was floored and in shock. I left and he begged me to come back...he had been drinking too much, he said. We got counciling and i finally went back to him. I was so in love. His daughter moved in with us to get clean from drugs and get her son back...she was in the court system. He and she began tearing me down...saying I was a false christian and a phony because I didn't like that she stole medicines that I had hidden in my sock drawer and I didn't want her to live there and sell drugs out of our basement. He thought I should stay quiet and let her finish her treatment. I tried and tried to be kind and understanding, but every conversation she and I had, she'd tell her dad that I said things I didn't say. He told me I was nothing like him and we had nothing in common. I was hurt but continued to try to make the marriage work. We had major arguments and separated time and again...he went to an ex-girlfriend to buy drugs and she was a leader in the recovery program at our church. I insisted that was wrong and he just made me out to be mentally ill and he was a victim. His alcohol use increased with time. Then one of his daughter's died from an overdose of drugs. It was given to her by her boyfriend without her knowledge. My husband drank very heavy after that and finally turned to meth use. I never trusted him after the letter to my daughter, even though I tried, but he lied to me about when he got off work and came home hours after he'd gotten off pretending he'd just left; he smelled of sex very often and stopped having sex with me. So I believed he was cheating and tried to find out by looking at his GPS on his phone and trying to find his messaging app but realized he had to download it everyday to message people. He now totally blames me for his meth relapse. I have put him through rehab 2 times and he blames me and his daughter abuses me emotionally on Facebook and many other methods. I am afraid of her and him. One night he gave me meth in a piece of watermelon...I could taste the chemical and ran to the sink and spit it out and washed my mouth out with bottled water because I was terrified about what it might be. I was afraid he was trying to kill me. Now he is out of rehab and I know he is emotionally vulberable because of his daughter's death and his addition recovery is so new...but I won't let him live with me (he's with his parents) and I can't even be nice to him. I want to but I am so full of anger. I want a divorce but feel very guilty about not trusting him and causing his relapse into drugs. I was very supportive when his daughter died and did all I could to help pay for the funeral and get friend and family onboard to help pay, etc. I've tried but know I am not perfect. I am far less than perfect. I don't even know who the real man I married is. I think I know, but I'm too merciful to believe he is the mean, abusive selfish person he has shown himself to be. But I am stuck in guilt and hurt and anger, and I feel like I don't like him. I feel that I sometimes do things that are harsh and I become full of guilt. I couldn't pay all the bills and sold his electric drum kit to pay his truck payment because we were two months behind on that payment and he had just started looking for a job. This was a week ago. He is livid. I am full of guilt. Where is the healing from all of this?

BlownOne

I'm going to try to be gentle, but honest here. This man is a creep. Full blown creep. Read your post again and ask yourself why you want to stay with him. Because I personally can't find one single reason in your post for you to want to stay with someone like this. Kick him to the curb. He's not your responsibility. You deserve so much more than this.

tekink

Meth is the drug that makes people lie and manipulate to the extreme.

Never trust a single thing a meth head says. They are so spun they just make **** up. I'm really glad that stuff wasn't around in my younger years and I learned better before I ever saw it.

conangirl

Thank you BlownOne for replying to my post. As I was writing it, I felt stupid that I cared so much and staid in the marriage. I filed for divorce 3 times. One filing is underway and I'm getting ready to serve the papers. I'm getting very strong in my resolve to get the divorce. I just wonder how vulnerable is he that something could cause him to relapse. I don't want that for him.

BunBun

Hi there... You deserve to be respected, treated well, and to feel safe in your relationship! I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is not ok to be treated this way ever. You are not responsible for someone else's actions. He is an adult and should start acting like one.
Please put yourself first!

MindfulMan

You did in no way cause him to relapse.

Meth users go beyond lying. They lose touch with reality so they actually believe their BS.

Glad you are getting out.

TYG2

You poor lady. Check out the Friends and Family Forum also.
I was in a five year relationship with a man who manipulated me with his deceit. Along with my forgiving nature and insecurity I kept myself in denial.
Add alcohol abuse into this dysfunctional relationship you have a recipe for tragedy. 3 weeks after getting engaged I found out he was seeing another woman again. I lost my head. Thus began my new relationship with the criminal justice system.
Please don't allow your religious beliefs to cloud the danger you are in. Talk to your lawyer about your grounds for a Peace Bond or No Contact Order..Changing the locks. She'll be better to advise you.
You've come to right place for support. I'm only speaking from my experience he sounds like a dangerous lying cheating loser. I reached the tipping point and I hope you have as well. You're love belongs to yourself and to a man worthy of it. Sure you may miss him, it'll pass. Keep posting we're here for you.

Nowsthetime

Get out now!!!

You are not responsible for him and he is a creep!

This has nothing to do with being merciful, or your religion. What does your daughter feel like after you stayed with this man that sent her that letter?!?!

He has manipulated you to think that you caused his relaps... typical addict.

You are being abused and you don’t deserve it! This is only going to get worse! Get off this merry go round! The gall of this guy... yikes!!!

Maudcat

Welcome!
Divorce is a very, very, very good idea.

DangerZone

Excuse my language and for being so blunt but the guy is a piece of ****... Get the hell away from him. The fact you are even considering anything else tells me that you need to work on your self-esteem. You deserve so much better and so does your daughter.

As another poster mentioned how do you think your daughter feels about you still talking to him after he was obviously trying to have sex with her?

Get away from this loser now before it is too late.

conangirl

Thank you all for your support and for letting me be honest and even wrong in my actions by staying with him so long. I woke up from a nap today and knew it was alright to get a divorce. I must. But I am afraid of him and his daughter and son-in-law. They have all be terribly abusive, both verbally and physically. She is my husband's drug dealer. She is 37 years old and has been on drugs from her teen years, just like her dad. I am afraid for my life and keep lights on in the house at night to make it appear that someone is up. I sleep with a knife in my bed and my bedroom door locked. The good thing is, all my friends and coworkers know what is going on and they too are supportive. I am getting counseling from a church group that is helping me get the divorce. They are praying for me daily that I will stay away from my husband. Please pray for me. I am in great danger. Thank you all againl

Berrybean

Financial, I urge you to find out about women's refuges in your area. People in your exact situation are why they exist. Either that or swallow your pride and allow people who live you and care about you to help by giving you a room while you sort out more permanent accommodation.

There is no reason at all to stay in that house, and plenty of reasons to get out of there.

BB

conangirl

Thank you Berrybean for your concern. I do think I need to move out of the house and am looking for a new location. I am excited about the future...finding myself again and getting back to the whole person I was 6 years ago. I have an eery feeling about saying this because I've seen so many movies about how the woman feels great about getting away and moving on with a better life and it all comes to an end...maybe that's just my fears and I need to put it all behind me and move on from the shell shock of all this horror. I am also looking into starting a counseling program through my employer. I'm so glad I found this site. I think about the encouraging words from each person who has responded and it gives me strength.

Berrybean

NarAnon or AlAnon may be useful for you. They're both free and you don't need to register or apply. You just turn up. It's worth a Google.

Take care.

BB

Zanna

No experience to share, but someone told me once 'You get one life, this is no dress rehearsal' - be good to youself x