Updates. Talked to Priest and Other Stuff. And Quacking
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Updates. Talked to Priest and Other Stuff. And Quacking
My other post was getting quite lengthy, (Retaining an Atty), so I thought I would start a new one.
I mentioned to my priest right before Christmas of my intentions to file. He wanted to meet with me to discuss and provide support; saw him Friday after work. He asked me what was going on, and I said that on Tuesday I would be filing and she would be served 10-15 days after that. He asked what she thought about that, and I said she has no clue. He said he didn't think that was the right way to approach it - that I should do it in a more loving, compassionate manner and talk to her about it. I responded that I have more than compassionate for the past 6 years of this crap, and have wasted too much breath to try to make it easier on her at this point. He asked me to reconsider, and I said I would.
So I get home, she'd been home with DS all day because schools were closed. DS was in a funky mood, and she was supposed to 'work from home' all day - which she did some of. She wanted to stay home so we didn't have to pay more to his before/after-school program. They went to the grocery store that day because there was no wine in the house. She bought three HUGE bottles (1.5L each).
So, he and I get home from the basketball game and she's still in a mood, and lays into about how she 'stays home and slaves away' trying to save money. I said, "Oh, saving money by buying 3 huge bottles of wine because you can't stop drinking? Sure, that's really helpful!" She opens the fridge and says, "Yeah, and I bought all this F*ing food for you - I'm entitled to wine, A-hole!" I said, "Well, you eat too, and so does our son, but you do all the drinking". (I know, I was baited, and did not keep to my side of the street!)
She then said, "So, do you have an answer for that one?" I said, "Yes, I do, but not right now" (she's was almost a bottle into it by that point). She said, "You'll never have an answer, because you have no balls, that's why! You're a ball-less little ass!" I wanted to say, "You'll see how ballsy I am when you're served in a couple of weeks!" - but I didn't.
I take the dog for a walk and come back and head to bed. She then texts me (here comes the quacking) and says she will be moving into the guest room starting immediately, and will tell DS why. I asked what the "why" is, and she came back with "because daddy is an ass and thinks he's better than everyone". I said that parent-trashing is not healthy. She came back with: "I'm not trashing, I'm just telling him the truth - he needs to know who his father really is". I dropped the rope and went to sleep.
Needless to say, it was a bunch of drunken quacking and she never ended up in the guest room!
It was at that point that I decided to go against my priest's advice - she doesn't deserve any more compassion from me than she's already gotten over the years.
And, it just confirms the opinion she has of me - she feels she can walk all over me because I'm spineless. Well, guess what!
Thanks for reading.
COD
I mentioned to my priest right before Christmas of my intentions to file. He wanted to meet with me to discuss and provide support; saw him Friday after work. He asked me what was going on, and I said that on Tuesday I would be filing and she would be served 10-15 days after that. He asked what she thought about that, and I said she has no clue. He said he didn't think that was the right way to approach it - that I should do it in a more loving, compassionate manner and talk to her about it. I responded that I have more than compassionate for the past 6 years of this crap, and have wasted too much breath to try to make it easier on her at this point. He asked me to reconsider, and I said I would.
So I get home, she'd been home with DS all day because schools were closed. DS was in a funky mood, and she was supposed to 'work from home' all day - which she did some of. She wanted to stay home so we didn't have to pay more to his before/after-school program. They went to the grocery store that day because there was no wine in the house. She bought three HUGE bottles (1.5L each).
So, he and I get home from the basketball game and she's still in a mood, and lays into about how she 'stays home and slaves away' trying to save money. I said, "Oh, saving money by buying 3 huge bottles of wine because you can't stop drinking? Sure, that's really helpful!" She opens the fridge and says, "Yeah, and I bought all this F*ing food for you - I'm entitled to wine, A-hole!" I said, "Well, you eat too, and so does our son, but you do all the drinking". (I know, I was baited, and did not keep to my side of the street!)
She then said, "So, do you have an answer for that one?" I said, "Yes, I do, but not right now" (she's was almost a bottle into it by that point). She said, "You'll never have an answer, because you have no balls, that's why! You're a ball-less little ass!" I wanted to say, "You'll see how ballsy I am when you're served in a couple of weeks!" - but I didn't.
I take the dog for a walk and come back and head to bed. She then texts me (here comes the quacking) and says she will be moving into the guest room starting immediately, and will tell DS why. I asked what the "why" is, and she came back with "because daddy is an ass and thinks he's better than everyone". I said that parent-trashing is not healthy. She came back with: "I'm not trashing, I'm just telling him the truth - he needs to know who his father really is". I dropped the rope and went to sleep.
Needless to say, it was a bunch of drunken quacking and she never ended up in the guest room!
It was at that point that I decided to go against my priest's advice - she doesn't deserve any more compassion from me than she's already gotten over the years.
And, it just confirms the opinion she has of me - she feels she can walk all over me because I'm spineless. Well, guess what!
Thanks for reading.
COD
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
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He said he didn't think that was the right way to approach it - that I should do it in a more loving, compassionate manner and talk to her about it.
theres 2 things im thinkin about this. first, most pastors/priests dont have first hand experience with the sitaution- most pastors/priests have been in the church their entire lives- never married to a RAH.
second, Jesus was pretty brutal in the temple- using a whip to drive people away.
peter- on the day of pentacost, was rather brutal- saying it like it was- telling people "this jesus, whom you crucified..... he said it twice even and quite a few other things he didnt beat around the bush with.
the other apostles also carried the message rather straighforward- didnt beat around the bush and didnt sugarcoat it.
that doesnt mean they werent loving and compassionate. in fact, just the opposite.
they were standing up for their beliefs.
youre doing dam good,COD.
theres 2 things im thinkin about this. first, most pastors/priests dont have first hand experience with the sitaution- most pastors/priests have been in the church their entire lives- never married to a RAH.
second, Jesus was pretty brutal in the temple- using a whip to drive people away.
peter- on the day of pentacost, was rather brutal- saying it like it was- telling people "this jesus, whom you crucified..... he said it twice even and quite a few other things he didnt beat around the bush with.
the other apostles also carried the message rather straighforward- didnt beat around the bush and didnt sugarcoat it.
that doesnt mean they werent loving and compassionate. in fact, just the opposite.
they were standing up for their beliefs.
youre doing dam good,COD.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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COD...let me first tell you that I think you are an excellent person and father. You always put your son first no matter what, which takes a man with a huge heart and sense of responsibility. Please don't let any of her quacking convince you otherwise.
Secondly, I think I would be the one in the guest room myself. Or remind her of her intentions. Maybe a little space would give you some relief. Goodness. I would expect for her to spew some very toxic things to your son and be ready to combat that. I know in the state I reside it's put in every divorce decree that parents may not do that, but we all know how much that means.
I send you huge hugs friend!
Secondly, I think I would be the one in the guest room myself. Or remind her of her intentions. Maybe a little space would give you some relief. Goodness. I would expect for her to spew some very toxic things to your son and be ready to combat that. I know in the state I reside it's put in every divorce decree that parents may not do that, but we all know how much that means.
I send you huge hugs friend!
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 123
Even though a priest or minister can often have a great perspective that it can help to hear, in this instance it seems to me that he doesn't understand the situation well enough (which to me means that he's never been in a similar situation himself, personally, because that seems to be what it takes to understand) to know what you should do. You do.
We've all been baited, we are only human. Hang in there.
We've all been baited, we are only human. Hang in there.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
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I am sorry she continues to cause strife. You are handling it all quite remarkably. Her behavior could bait a brick wall... good for you "dropping the rope" as you did.
I hope you saved those texts....
I hope you saved those texts....
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Join Date: Dec 2016
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Hi COD - I think you are being compassionate, and that you have been compassionate. Most people who don't deal with alcoholics on a regular basis don't get it. That's it. I doubt that he is aware of ALL the compassionate conversations you've had over the years.
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I'll say this - any hesitation and compassion that I had two weeks ago when I couldn't quite bring myself to sign the papers then - has completely vanished. She sealed it right then and there. Tuesday is the day.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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Huge hugs, COD. I remember your story well and I am through the roof excited for you and your son. Your wife is nuts-but you are not. As I heard years ago, give them rope...all they do is hang themselves-sad, really.
Hang in there!
Hang in there!
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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I've been reading your story and wanted to say Bravo! Putting your child first is always the right answer. It's too bad your wife doesn't see it that way.
I have a long time friend and neighbor who divorced his alcoholic wife and got custody of their daughter. His wife was happy to be divorced finally, she was free to hang at the bars, drink, gamble, and not worry about getting a babysitter for their daughter. My friend and his daughter struggled through this painful time but both of them came through it so well. Mother and daughter have a decent relationship now, but daughter is crystal clear what her mom is all about. All of his friends and neighbors were impressed with his focus on putting his child first. She needed a stable parent and he did a fantastic job.
I'm impressed with how far you've come COD! You're certainly NOT spineless!
I have a long time friend and neighbor who divorced his alcoholic wife and got custody of their daughter. His wife was happy to be divorced finally, she was free to hang at the bars, drink, gamble, and not worry about getting a babysitter for their daughter. My friend and his daughter struggled through this painful time but both of them came through it so well. Mother and daughter have a decent relationship now, but daughter is crystal clear what her mom is all about. All of his friends and neighbors were impressed with his focus on putting his child first. She needed a stable parent and he did a fantastic job.
I'm impressed with how far you've come COD! You're certainly NOT spineless!
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I read somewhere (some Buddhist-affiliated source) that compassion means holding a sincere hope that another person may be released from their sufferings. It doesn't mean you have to be nice to the other person or forgive them for what they have done to you or go out of your way to do what they want or even try to understand them. By that definition, you can be compassionate.
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COD - What is your plan regarding living arrangements as soon as she is served? Are you planning to remain in the same house with your DS?
I am also curious if you plan to give your DS a heads up a day or two before so he is prepared that there will be a change coming and that there will be upset feelings between mommy and daddy that have nothing to do with him?
I am also curious if you plan to give your DS a heads up a day or two before so he is prepared that there will be a change coming and that there will be upset feelings between mommy and daddy that have nothing to do with him?
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Many people in the clergy are not trained or experienced with addiction and too many IMO are all about saving the marriage on paper no matter what, even if the marriage itself has been dead for years.
Good for you for putting down the rope. Now walk away from it for good, yes?
Sending you a hug.
Good for you for putting down the rope. Now walk away from it for good, yes?
Sending you a hug.
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
Many people in the clergy are not trained or experienced with addiction and too many IMO are all about saving the marriage on paper no matter what, even if the marriage itself has been dead for years.
Good for you for putting down the rope. Now walk away from it for good, yes?
Sending you a hug.
Good for you for putting down the rope. Now walk away from it for good, yes?
Sending you a hug.
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Originally Posted by BAW81
COD - What is your plan regarding living arrangements as soon as she is served? Are you planning to remain in the same house with your DS?
I am also curious if you plan to give your DS a heads up a day or two before so he is prepared that there will be a change coming and that there will be upset feelings between mommy and daddy that have nothing to do with him?
I am also curious if you plan to give your DS a heads up a day or two before so he is prepared that there will be a change coming and that there will be upset feelings between mommy and daddy that have nothing to do with him?
I also can't risk being that blatant with the impending news to DS. I have been 'priming the pump' with conversations about: people argue, people have disagreements, it's a brand new year and with each year comes change - some changes make us happy, and sometimes changes make us very sad - but in the end know that mommy and daddy love you more than anything, and the daddy has only what is in DS's best interests, though it may not always feel that way. But, he needs to know that I love him and he needs to trust me. And one more thing - he is not responsible for anyone's feelings or happiness, that needs to come from within.
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Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
We'll have to see how things pan out. I have ZERO intention of leaving the family home at this point - DS needs all the stability I can find for him.
I also can't risk being that blatant with the impending news to DS. I have been 'priming the pump' with conversations about: people argue, people have disagreements, it's a brand new year and with each year comes change - some changes make us happy, and sometimes changes make us very sad - but in the end know that mommy and daddy love you more than anything, and the daddy has only what is in DS's best interests, though it may not always feel that way. But, he needs to know that I love him and he needs to trust me. And one more thing - he is not responsible for anyone's feelings or happiness, that needs to come from within.
I also can't risk being that blatant with the impending news to DS. I have been 'priming the pump' with conversations about: people argue, people have disagreements, it's a brand new year and with each year comes change - some changes make us happy, and sometimes changes make us very sad - but in the end know that mommy and daddy love you more than anything, and the daddy has only what is in DS's best interests, though it may not always feel that way. But, he needs to know that I love him and he needs to trust me. And one more thing - he is not responsible for anyone's feelings or happiness, that needs to come from within.
I’m still in the house after filing, but we’ve been in separate rooms for a year now. I still get lots of baiting and other attempts at manipulation, but keeping my eye on the future and knowing that DS11 will be getting at least one stable parent helps me get through the BS.
My STBXAW is trying, at least on the surface, to start a recovery. But while she does admit to the “slip” she made days before Christmas, she claims not to have had anything since. My eyes tell me differently though.
Hang tough COD. Yes, the worst is yet to come, but it will eventually be over.
My advice is to do whatever it takes to get at least temporary primary custody of your son. Courts tend to stick with whatever the first arrangement was in that regard.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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You will absolutely make it to the other side. You will. You are taking your time and have given it years of trying to make it work and excusing her actions-I did the same with my ex. I truly loved him and just wanted him to get well. I am a compassionate soul as well and just be forewarned, she will most likely up the ante in regards to this after you file....stay strong, COD.
Oh, and my Lutheran minister told me I was absolutely free to divorce my ex since HE broke the covenant of marriage with abuse and arguably many third parties (alcohol being one of those). So, realize some religious leaders are not versed in addiction and they also believe in abusive doctrines.
Praying for you and your son!!
Oh, and my Lutheran minister told me I was absolutely free to divorce my ex since HE broke the covenant of marriage with abuse and arguably many third parties (alcohol being one of those). So, realize some religious leaders are not versed in addiction and they also believe in abusive doctrines.
Praying for you and your son!!
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