Sapphire44

Hi everyone.

I'm new here. I will try to make this long story short. The man I'm with now I have known for about 19 years. About 18 years ago. I got pregnant with our now 18 year old son. Then at the time of my pregnancy. I walked away from our relationship. I hated to make that choice. But I was not going to be beat and miscarry my son for one reason or another. I'm sure I don't need to explain the reasons.

Well about a year ago our son started to have heart problems. Wich made me look up his dad. I found he was not far from were I currently live. Witch I was a surprise. But as it did 19 years ago. We hooked up and things went from there. Oh to let you know our son is OK. It was just a scare. But I'm still worried. Well I helped my boyfriend get off the streets. He was also finishing off some legal trouble. You may ask why after what i went threw. Well easy for me. He is family.

So we developed a new relationship. Very different from the old one. He was a very active addict back then and up to very recently. They only thing this time. Is his sobriety is his choice. No legal issues to make him do it. We did have some domestic violence and threats this round to. I called the cops. Then it came down to telling him during a sober moment. That I love him and am very grateful that I have had the chance to get to know him more personally this time. Witch makes this decision even harder than the last one. But he needs to get off his addiction to have me. I don't want to have a life with out him. But not going to be abused because of his addiction either. He is a good man until he drink. Then he changes. Also told him that this has to be his choice or it wont work. So I left it at that.

Well he was going to go to a rehab and ran instead. He ran back to his brother in the next county. Kept calling me and yelling at me. I just listened because I new it was not really me. He was mad at himself and was still drinking. Allot was playing a role in why he was like that to me. Well after 2 weeks. He came back to me. What let me believe he really did care and want a life with me. It may sound dumb but from his heart it was a big step. He bought me a Christmas gift while away from me. And when he got into a big fight with his brother and his brothers roommate. He called me and we talked off and on all day. Then he started to have bad withdrawals and went to the hospital. I stayed on video chat with him the hole time and they asked if he was ready for detox. He said yes. and checked himself in later that day. He ended up checking himself out of there and coming home to me and if now in a program here not far from home. I am very proud of him. We have allot of history and love this man so much.

Know here is were I don't understand things. Sorry if my words are offensive. Not trying to be. Our intimate life has changed. I'm sure you know what I mean. He says it is the stress and the getting off alcohol. Is this what others have experienced? I know this is a big step for him to make. And will that part of our life eventually return. I have also noticed he is more snappy with his words to me. Not what he says but how he says it. He almost seams more distant.

I hope someone can help me understand what is happening. I know people that have cleaned up there life. But never anyone so close to me. This is all new.

Thanks for reading this. Take care
Sapphire44

ChloeRose63

Hope you are still taking good care of yourself. Are you attending any Al-Anon meetings or counceling for added knowledge/support about being with an alcoholic? It can be a rough road if you are not prepared. Sending you positive thoughts! Keep posting!

Sapphire44

Thanks and yes I am attending Al-anon meetings.

ScaryTime

Yes, once my AH began recovery; he became quite distant and it made me crazy. I basically had my own life while he was actively drinking - well when I wasn’t following him around to ensure he didn’t start the house on fire or something during one of his drinking binges. Then when he began recovery he wasn’t reachable again - the reason IMO is that he needed to focus on not drinking. My AH has to focus on him and I have to focus on me.
Our relationship is pretty classic alcoholic and me co dependent. We experienced the issues with intimacy while he was drinking but haven’t gotten to that point since he started recovery - he sleeps in the spare room and has for the last four months. The last attempt was over four months ago and was a disaster. I don’t want that with him as we don’t have the emotional intimacy so I can’t get to the physical aspect of it.
Your ABF is probably distant because he is focusing on himself and focused on not drinking. You are both going to be hard pressed to work on your relationship if he is in recovery-and many say (on here and other advice) that it seems very counter intuitive to the spouse or SO of a recovering alcoholic. But he has to figure out who he is before he has anything to offer a relationship.
Wishing you luck and peace during this time.

Sapphire44

Thanks for your responce. I do hope for peace this time to. Drinking has been most of his life. He started at 9 years old. Seams so young. But it happens. He did not come from a good family like i did. So I'm sure he really don't know himself. I do hope we come closer together as we both grow threw this. It is so frustrating at times. That i just want to walk away. But then i remember he is making a change and i need to be patient. Take care.

dandylion

Sapphire....I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effect on the loved ones.....I hope that you will take the time to read through them...lol...there are LOTS of them....
Knowledge is power....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)


In addition to that reading list....a book that is very highly recommended by lots of people on this forum is "Co-Dependent No More". It is an easy read and I think that you will find a lot of it resonating with you.....you can get it on amazon.com and/or the local library.....

You are going to have a lot of time to focus on yourself....and a lot of time to read....because it is going to take him quite a while to deal with his own demons....as you focus on YOU.....
Keep those alanon meetings going! Take care of yourself and your own welfare as your top priority....don't allow yourself to be beaten or verbally abused by anyone......You will learn how to care for yourself and how to place boundaries through alanon.....(and your readings).....

Sapphire44

Thanks for the suggestion of the book. I am going to look into it. Take care