Need advice to support my husband, HFA, who is ready to quit
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 6
Need advice to support my husband, HFA, who is ready to quit
I am new to this forum, found it after googling looking for a way to support my husband of 20 years.
A little backstory, we have been together since college and have three kids ages 15 to 10. We have had our share of struggles, like any couple, but love each other and are committed to spending our lives together.
My husband comes from a family of alcoholics and I come from a family of teetotallers. So our background around alcohol is pretty different.
My husband has always been a heavy drinker, he doesn't have an "off" button that I have. We have had some serious issues with his drinking in the past, the most serious was right after we had our first child. His drinking was not only heavy and sloppy, but he was making dangerous decisions that I felt, especially as a new control-freak mom, was not in the best interest of our child. I am sure there was a part of me that thought, once the baby was born, he would grow up and become more responsible, and stop drinking as much and when it didn't happen, I freaked out. His mom, who adored him, told me that I may have to leave him if he didn't straighten out. She begged him to sober up and get counseling. He did and found someone he really liked. This counselor has really helped him throughout the years on many issues (things that I believe probably contribute to the drinking) and through the death of his mom and brother (cancer-related). This counselors premise was that the idea of completely going sober and not drinking ever again was an out-dated, not-researched, idea formed by AA (I am aware of the study done last year that claimed the same thing). While my husband has not consistently seen this counselor over the last 15 years, he does occasionally whenever he feels like he needs support or advice. He went to see her a few weeks ago and last night he told me that she now believes that my husband is not in the group of heavy drinkers that can cut down, but that he needs to stop drinking completely. What was shocking to me was that my husband said that he now agrees with her and he needs my support. This was all over the phone (he is out of town) and with the kids in the background and we agreed to find a time and place to discuss this soon.
So.. now what?
I am hoping some people in this forum can help me support him. I am proud of him for taking even this first, and what must be, a very scary step to even consider quitting. But I have some questions that I would love some advice/feedback/guidance on what to do next:
1. What do I say/do during our discussion about him quitting? The way he requested a "meeting" is odd for him and makes me think that he has either been thinking about this or getting guidance from somewhere
2. He is high functioning- he drinks alone mostly after the kids and I go to sleep, my guess (I stopped tracking and trying to control his drinking years ago for my own sanity) is that he drinks about 6 beers at night. On the weekends, it can be more- I would say he goes through about two cases a week. But I know that he wakes up with hangovers often, his hands shake and he has high blood pressure. Do we need to see a doctor when he quits? Does he need to go to rehab or can this be done with a counselor and AA?
3. I started looking up AA meetings near us. Do I tell him about them or does he need to find these on his own? Do I encourage him to go or does he need to go on his own?
4. Do I need to remove all the alcohol from the house? I do drink; do I need to stop drinking around him? I don't drink a lot, but I love a good glass of wine. I try never to have more than 5 glasses a week, although I will admit to more during the holidays. I have no problem not drinking around him or for weeks or months (which I do often when I am training for a marathon, etc), but I have to admit that I would be really sad if it meant I need to get rid special bottles that I have been saving for years for special occasions, etc. We also have lots of liquor. He doesn't drink this very often (IPA is his drink of choice) , but we have a full liquor cabinet. Do we get rid of it?
5. What else should I be doing or not doing?
I really appreciate any help and guidance. Thank you
A little backstory, we have been together since college and have three kids ages 15 to 10. We have had our share of struggles, like any couple, but love each other and are committed to spending our lives together.
My husband comes from a family of alcoholics and I come from a family of teetotallers. So our background around alcohol is pretty different.
My husband has always been a heavy drinker, he doesn't have an "off" button that I have. We have had some serious issues with his drinking in the past, the most serious was right after we had our first child. His drinking was not only heavy and sloppy, but he was making dangerous decisions that I felt, especially as a new control-freak mom, was not in the best interest of our child. I am sure there was a part of me that thought, once the baby was born, he would grow up and become more responsible, and stop drinking as much and when it didn't happen, I freaked out. His mom, who adored him, told me that I may have to leave him if he didn't straighten out. She begged him to sober up and get counseling. He did and found someone he really liked. This counselor has really helped him throughout the years on many issues (things that I believe probably contribute to the drinking) and through the death of his mom and brother (cancer-related). This counselors premise was that the idea of completely going sober and not drinking ever again was an out-dated, not-researched, idea formed by AA (I am aware of the study done last year that claimed the same thing). While my husband has not consistently seen this counselor over the last 15 years, he does occasionally whenever he feels like he needs support or advice. He went to see her a few weeks ago and last night he told me that she now believes that my husband is not in the group of heavy drinkers that can cut down, but that he needs to stop drinking completely. What was shocking to me was that my husband said that he now agrees with her and he needs my support. This was all over the phone (he is out of town) and with the kids in the background and we agreed to find a time and place to discuss this soon.
So.. now what?
I am hoping some people in this forum can help me support him. I am proud of him for taking even this first, and what must be, a very scary step to even consider quitting. But I have some questions that I would love some advice/feedback/guidance on what to do next:
1. What do I say/do during our discussion about him quitting? The way he requested a "meeting" is odd for him and makes me think that he has either been thinking about this or getting guidance from somewhere
2. He is high functioning- he drinks alone mostly after the kids and I go to sleep, my guess (I stopped tracking and trying to control his drinking years ago for my own sanity) is that he drinks about 6 beers at night. On the weekends, it can be more- I would say he goes through about two cases a week. But I know that he wakes up with hangovers often, his hands shake and he has high blood pressure. Do we need to see a doctor when he quits? Does he need to go to rehab or can this be done with a counselor and AA?
3. I started looking up AA meetings near us. Do I tell him about them or does he need to find these on his own? Do I encourage him to go or does he need to go on his own?
4. Do I need to remove all the alcohol from the house? I do drink; do I need to stop drinking around him? I don't drink a lot, but I love a good glass of wine. I try never to have more than 5 glasses a week, although I will admit to more during the holidays. I have no problem not drinking around him or for weeks or months (which I do often when I am training for a marathon, etc), but I have to admit that I would be really sad if it meant I need to get rid special bottles that I have been saving for years for special occasions, etc. We also have lots of liquor. He doesn't drink this very often (IPA is his drink of choice) , but we have a full liquor cabinet. Do we get rid of it?
5. What else should I be doing or not doing?
I really appreciate any help and guidance. Thank you
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
sybilstone....Welcome. I am giving you a link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones. I hope that you will take the time to read through them. Try to learn all that you can....knowledge is power....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 223
Please try to read as much as you can, try Alanon, etc. I understand the urge to try and manage all these decisions but they really are HIS stuff...and no matter what YOU do, he’s going to do what he’s going to do...there are no magic words or things you can do-I.e. he’s going to drink regardless of liquor being in the house or not. The reading referenced above will be very helpful!
Wishing you the best....I hope to read an update soon!
Wishing you the best....I hope to read an update soon!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i understand the desire to want to jump in and take charge....however....your AH has been drinking for a long long time and has only recently SAID he thinks he needs to quit. there is ZERO evidence that he actually plans to stop drinking.
the ball is in HIS court, regarding the drinking. nothing you have done in the past 20 years has effected his drinking. there is no reason to think that NOW you suddenly have any power in that regard.
IF he is serious, HE will take ACTION. either make an appt with his doc, find an addiction specialist, look up treatment centers, head to the nearest AA meeting. this may not happen immediately...he may "rethink" things and just try to cut down. he may decide he doesn't really have a problem after all............
since you already looked up AA meetings, take some time and look up ALANON meetings. those are for the loved ones OF alcoholics. aka meetings FOR YOU. regardless of what he does, you are deserving of support as well.
the ball is in HIS court, regarding the drinking. nothing you have done in the past 20 years has effected his drinking. there is no reason to think that NOW you suddenly have any power in that regard.
IF he is serious, HE will take ACTION. either make an appt with his doc, find an addiction specialist, look up treatment centers, head to the nearest AA meeting. this may not happen immediately...he may "rethink" things and just try to cut down. he may decide he doesn't really have a problem after all............
since you already looked up AA meetings, take some time and look up ALANON meetings. those are for the loved ones OF alcoholics. aka meetings FOR YOU. regardless of what he does, you are deserving of support as well.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Welcome sybil, you have asked some great questions. I too agree with all the other posters, this is his gig. Nothing you need to do by supporting him. I also recommend you getting an addiction therapist, hit an alanon or open aa meetings. I am sure you have plenty of baggage dealing with an addict for 20 years. There also is alateen for your 15 year old. I am sure your kids have seen some major crazy stuff with a dad who is a drunk.
Take care of you, he's a big boy. Hugs, keep posting and asking questions. You will learn a ton.
Take care of you, he's a big boy. Hugs, keep posting and asking questions. You will learn a ton.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
It's great that your husband seems like he wants to quit. That's a big first step in the right direction. Like other said though, it it his decision and needs needs to be in charge of everything. Don't do any of the leg work for him as hard as that may be. Read codependent no more. If you can find Pleasure Unwoven somewhere watch that. It is a very good documentary that goes over addiction in layman 's terms. They showed it during family week in rehab when my H was there.
I kind of side eye the therapist who was of the mind that complete abstinence from drinking is outdated. Watch pleasure unwoven and you will understand why. My H was a 40+ year drinker who started a s a young teen. He had quit several times during our relationship. Stopping was the problem, staying sober was. The longest he stayed sober was a year but he didn't do any type,of program and still keep it a secret from everyone so he had zero accountability. He was still the same grumpy, tired, réactive person he was before except for now he didn't have the one and only coping mechanism he knew. 15 months ago I could no longer take it and gave him an ultimatum. I told him it needed to be out in the open and he had to seek treatment or I was gone (that was the first time during our 15 years together that I was at that point and ready to follow through).
Addition is progresssive and it will get worse but the point where it crosses that line corns at diffferent times for different people.
My H was sent to 90 days of rehab due to is profession. That came as a shock to us because he had already stopped drinking 2 weeks before. But it soon became apparent that he really needed rehab in a big kind of way. Not to stop drinking but to deal with all the underlying behaviors. It took a good 7 weeks before he finally started getting insight to his ways and had he come home agodter only 30 days I think it would've not made much of a difference as far as his behaviors were concerned.
Personally I think the majority of addicts really need 90 days of rehab to have a good ahcne at recovery but it is stupid expensive and so hard to afford for most people. Is your H therapist someone that has experience with addiction (as in are CAC trained/certified)? My guess is is probably not due to their statement about complete abstinence being outdated. He probably would benefit from someone that has a lot of experience with addiction because it adds a whole new level to underlying psych issues. Whether it is rehab, intensive outpatient and/or AA he needs some sort of program that is for sure. I don't think AA is really enough for a most people as there are usually a lot of underlying psych issues that really should be addressed one on on by a therapist.
My H has been out of rehab a year. He did not feel like he needed the alcohol out of the house. It depends on the person. A friend of mine husband has been clean for 20 years and wants no alcohol in the house and avoids most functions where alcohol is present. I rarely drink at home when I'm by myself. I do drink when I'm at other people 's houses and I also will have usually just one drink when we go out to dinner. Maybe I'm selfish but I'm not going to stop drinking because he can't drink. I don't have a problem. If he truly had a problem with me drinking when we're at a restaurant I would probably honor that but at friends houses absolutely not.
As far as support for him, I wonder what he means by that exactly, he really needs to take charge of getting sober/recovery. There is nothing that you can do to help him with that. You need to take care of you and the kids and obviously be there for your H if he wants to talk and support his effort and going to meetings (provided that's what he will be doing )but he needs to do all the work as far as seeking out meeting, going to therapy etc.
My H is doing well 1 year out of rehab and will be followed closely for 5 years, currently he is doing soberlink 4x daily, has random drug test and still goes to a lot of meetings. And all this after a rough year with 3 deaths ( his dad, his sponsor and last week his partner and friend from work ). All these years have been very hard on our marriage though especially for me so in that department it is a huge struggle still (mostly for me which obviously prevents him from moving forward on the relationship like he would like) but sobriety wise he is doing well and he has changed a lot behaviorwise (which I'm convinced would have not happened or taken years had he not gone to rehab ). He hated his job before, his job hasn't changed but he no longer hates it as he is able to cope better now. He was on meds to help him sleep briefly at rehab but no longer on them half way through. He was always a crappy sleeper and that is no longer the case.
Alcohol is only a small part of the addiction. The much bigger part is the untreated or undertreated spcyh issues that cause people to self medicate with substances. That said, it doesn't necessarily mean that he will end up on meds. Things like anxiety will often respond very well to learning coping skills and behavioral changes.
And I'm no expert (although I'm in the medical field ) but if he has been seeing the the same therapist for many years I wonder if he would benefit from someone new that has addition background/training. To me it seems like a very long time for the therapist to finally figure out that your H needs to quit completely, unless of course your H has not always been very truthful about what is really going on (which would not be completely unrealistic in an addict)
Anywa, that was a lot. I wish you and your H good luck and hope that he is really serious about getting clean. Mostly for himself but as it is a family disease and affects everyone. My kid never saw my H drink at home but it affected her still because he missed out on lots of stuff because he was too tired "from work" and didn't participate in much. He drank in secret and so she saw him while he was drunk but he hid it pretty well and was a happy drunk who would just pass out and fall asleep "because he was tired from work" And or memitmwas really isolating as no one knew about it and I couldn't talk to anyone about it. I helped him cover it well at my expense. I cousent trust him with his own kid to the point I would never leave her by herself with him (and would always find excuses to not have her be with him. She never even questioned when he wasn't around for things, it was just her normal.
I kind of side eye the therapist who was of the mind that complete abstinence from drinking is outdated. Watch pleasure unwoven and you will understand why. My H was a 40+ year drinker who started a s a young teen. He had quit several times during our relationship. Stopping was the problem, staying sober was. The longest he stayed sober was a year but he didn't do any type,of program and still keep it a secret from everyone so he had zero accountability. He was still the same grumpy, tired, réactive person he was before except for now he didn't have the one and only coping mechanism he knew. 15 months ago I could no longer take it and gave him an ultimatum. I told him it needed to be out in the open and he had to seek treatment or I was gone (that was the first time during our 15 years together that I was at that point and ready to follow through).
Addition is progresssive and it will get worse but the point where it crosses that line corns at diffferent times for different people.
My H was sent to 90 days of rehab due to is profession. That came as a shock to us because he had already stopped drinking 2 weeks before. But it soon became apparent that he really needed rehab in a big kind of way. Not to stop drinking but to deal with all the underlying behaviors. It took a good 7 weeks before he finally started getting insight to his ways and had he come home agodter only 30 days I think it would've not made much of a difference as far as his behaviors were concerned.
Personally I think the majority of addicts really need 90 days of rehab to have a good ahcne at recovery but it is stupid expensive and so hard to afford for most people. Is your H therapist someone that has experience with addiction (as in are CAC trained/certified)? My guess is is probably not due to their statement about complete abstinence being outdated. He probably would benefit from someone that has a lot of experience with addiction because it adds a whole new level to underlying psych issues. Whether it is rehab, intensive outpatient and/or AA he needs some sort of program that is for sure. I don't think AA is really enough for a most people as there are usually a lot of underlying psych issues that really should be addressed one on on by a therapist.
My H has been out of rehab a year. He did not feel like he needed the alcohol out of the house. It depends on the person. A friend of mine husband has been clean for 20 years and wants no alcohol in the house and avoids most functions where alcohol is present. I rarely drink at home when I'm by myself. I do drink when I'm at other people 's houses and I also will have usually just one drink when we go out to dinner. Maybe I'm selfish but I'm not going to stop drinking because he can't drink. I don't have a problem. If he truly had a problem with me drinking when we're at a restaurant I would probably honor that but at friends houses absolutely not.
As far as support for him, I wonder what he means by that exactly, he really needs to take charge of getting sober/recovery. There is nothing that you can do to help him with that. You need to take care of you and the kids and obviously be there for your H if he wants to talk and support his effort and going to meetings (provided that's what he will be doing )but he needs to do all the work as far as seeking out meeting, going to therapy etc.
My H is doing well 1 year out of rehab and will be followed closely for 5 years, currently he is doing soberlink 4x daily, has random drug test and still goes to a lot of meetings. And all this after a rough year with 3 deaths ( his dad, his sponsor and last week his partner and friend from work ). All these years have been very hard on our marriage though especially for me so in that department it is a huge struggle still (mostly for me which obviously prevents him from moving forward on the relationship like he would like) but sobriety wise he is doing well and he has changed a lot behaviorwise (which I'm convinced would have not happened or taken years had he not gone to rehab ). He hated his job before, his job hasn't changed but he no longer hates it as he is able to cope better now. He was on meds to help him sleep briefly at rehab but no longer on them half way through. He was always a crappy sleeper and that is no longer the case.
Alcohol is only a small part of the addiction. The much bigger part is the untreated or undertreated spcyh issues that cause people to self medicate with substances. That said, it doesn't necessarily mean that he will end up on meds. Things like anxiety will often respond very well to learning coping skills and behavioral changes.
And I'm no expert (although I'm in the medical field ) but if he has been seeing the the same therapist for many years I wonder if he would benefit from someone new that has addition background/training. To me it seems like a very long time for the therapist to finally figure out that your H needs to quit completely, unless of course your H has not always been very truthful about what is really going on (which would not be completely unrealistic in an addict)
Anywa, that was a lot. I wish you and your H good luck and hope that he is really serious about getting clean. Mostly for himself but as it is a family disease and affects everyone. My kid never saw my H drink at home but it affected her still because he missed out on lots of stuff because he was too tired "from work" and didn't participate in much. He drank in secret and so she saw him while he was drunk but he hid it pretty well and was a happy drunk who would just pass out and fall asleep "because he was tired from work" And or memitmwas really isolating as no one knew about it and I couldn't talk to anyone about it. I helped him cover it well at my expense. I cousent trust him with his own kid to the point I would never leave her by herself with him (and would always find excuses to not have her be with him. She never even questioned when he wasn't around for things, it was just her normal.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Sybil you could say you support his decision, and that you will leave it to him to decide how he will go about it. You might share some of the ways his drinking has been detrimental to him and the family.
Beyond that, try to stay out of his recovery, and let him decide how to go about it. I would suggest taking the wine out of the house for a while. It can make things harder for the drinker who will probably be experiencing cravings.
Many A's have times of the day or situations which trigger the urge to drink, often after work, or as you've suggested, when the kids go to bed. There will be that habit to grab a beer at a certain time. It might help him to have soft drinks in the house, or set up some other ritual to replace the drinking. Discuss with him, and you may be able to help in that way.
Beyond that, try to stay out of his recovery, and let him decide how to go about it. I would suggest taking the wine out of the house for a while. It can make things harder for the drinker who will probably be experiencing cravings.
Many A's have times of the day or situations which trigger the urge to drink, often after work, or as you've suggested, when the kids go to bed. There will be that habit to grab a beer at a certain time. It might help him to have soft drinks in the house, or set up some other ritual to replace the drinking. Discuss with him, and you may be able to help in that way.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
(((Hugs)))
Been here, done this... and it got much worse before it started getting better. Life DID get much better than I had imagined it would.
How are you doing today?
Keep posting. It helps immensely to connect with others who've been through this.
Been here, done this... and it got much worse before it started getting better. Life DID get much better than I had imagined it would.
How are you doing today?
Keep posting. It helps immensely to connect with others who've been through this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 6
Thank you!
Thank you all so much for the resources and the words of encouragement.
I probably did jump the gun. GRrr.. I am sure it won't be the first time. I was just so beside myself that this might actually happen and on his own.
He got home last night after being out of town and didn't say anything about our conversation the night before. In his defense, he got home late in the evening and the kids and I wanted to watch the golden globes (
) and then I fell asleep. BUT still. I think I was just so excited that he was taking the initiative. This conversation didn't start the morning after the night before, which most of them have out of regret or guilt, or me being cold and angry. It did seem like something he had been thinking about, probably before the holidays- since he hasn't seen this counselor since then. I don't think he will see another counselor. The fact that he has seen this one is pretty remarkable given that he has an inherent mistrust of psychologists and counselors in general. He has built up trust with this woman, although he only sees her at most right now about once a month or every 6 weeks. At one point (after he really messed up after our first was born) he was seeing her twice weekly, then weekly, then monthly and now it is really only when he feels like he needs someone to talk to. He does have a lot of past trauma, sexual abuse, neglect, and abandonment issues. I don't know a lot of details for some of it, but it has always been clear that he is self-medicating with alcohol. He owns his own company, but it has never thrived, really. He HATES it and lately is more angry and grumpy. I am now thinking that what he is going to want my support on is not really recovery issues but that he wants to stop working. We *could* manage, barely, on my salary, but it would mean a completely different life for us and one that i don't think he is willing to live. Both of us are self-employed and it is hard to save- retirement seems to be getting further and further away. And truly, I don't think it would fix anything and it would make me resentful.
I have a tendency to forget a lot of the bad stuff when it isn't happening in the moment. But reading the site, stuff came flooding back. He is usually a happy drunk so there isn't that much anger or abuse. But there are a few times a year where it gets verbally ugly. He has gotten so ugly that once or twice I have had to lock the kids in a room because we are scared (that was years ago, I am not sure if the kids remember it ). 99.7% of the time he is not like this, but I know that what they are seeing regardless is not healthy. And it is against everything else we are teaching them about how to be healthy and happy people. What hypocrites we are for telling them sugar and junk food is bad and then they watch the dad down a 6 or 12 pack of beer.
Every Christmas Eve, he is usually too drunk to help put out the gifts or help and I love Christmas. For him it is painful because of bad childhood memories and for me, who had a not-perfect childhood, the one thing my parents did right is Christmas, so it is my favorite. He tries to help, I am usually pissed because I have spent so much time and energy on this and instead of the same excitement or happiness I get anger and resentment from him. This Christmas, in truth, was better than past ones, but this is probably our youngest's last Christmas believing in Santa and he just messed everything up. She was testing us each step of the way (not telling us what she asked Santa for, extra observant on little things, etc) and he did everything wrong. I am so sad about this, for her. For me. Our last baby. The magic is gone. I feel like if he wasn't drinking things would have been so different. I know she would have figured it out anyway, but she was holding on so tight for everything to be true.
I know that I am not prepared for this, for recovery, for what it will mean, what it will bring up for our entire family. I have been seeing a counselor, who I adore, but I have a hard time admitting to her and even to myself how bad it really is.
So there it is, I am co-dependent, wishing this was someone else's problem, that he was different- stronger, more motivated, more open to me. And, so scared about what the change (if there is any) will mean and the work I need to do for myself. Which is hard and painful and just sucks. Why does life have to be this hard?
I so admire the posts that I have been reading and the strength that is shown. I'm scared. I truly do love him, we have built a nice life together. I hope we can get through to the other side.
Thanks for the support, it means so much.
I probably did jump the gun. GRrr.. I am sure it won't be the first time. I was just so beside myself that this might actually happen and on his own.
He got home last night after being out of town and didn't say anything about our conversation the night before. In his defense, he got home late in the evening and the kids and I wanted to watch the golden globes (
) and then I fell asleep. BUT still. I think I was just so excited that he was taking the initiative. This conversation didn't start the morning after the night before, which most of them have out of regret or guilt, or me being cold and angry. It did seem like something he had been thinking about, probably before the holidays- since he hasn't seen this counselor since then. I don't think he will see another counselor. The fact that he has seen this one is pretty remarkable given that he has an inherent mistrust of psychologists and counselors in general. He has built up trust with this woman, although he only sees her at most right now about once a month or every 6 weeks. At one point (after he really messed up after our first was born) he was seeing her twice weekly, then weekly, then monthly and now it is really only when he feels like he needs someone to talk to. He does have a lot of past trauma, sexual abuse, neglect, and abandonment issues. I don't know a lot of details for some of it, but it has always been clear that he is self-medicating with alcohol. He owns his own company, but it has never thrived, really. He HATES it and lately is more angry and grumpy. I am now thinking that what he is going to want my support on is not really recovery issues but that he wants to stop working. We *could* manage, barely, on my salary, but it would mean a completely different life for us and one that i don't think he is willing to live. Both of us are self-employed and it is hard to save- retirement seems to be getting further and further away. And truly, I don't think it would fix anything and it would make me resentful. I have a tendency to forget a lot of the bad stuff when it isn't happening in the moment. But reading the site, stuff came flooding back. He is usually a happy drunk so there isn't that much anger or abuse. But there are a few times a year where it gets verbally ugly. He has gotten so ugly that once or twice I have had to lock the kids in a room because we are scared (that was years ago, I am not sure if the kids remember it ). 99.7% of the time he is not like this, but I know that what they are seeing regardless is not healthy. And it is against everything else we are teaching them about how to be healthy and happy people. What hypocrites we are for telling them sugar and junk food is bad and then they watch the dad down a 6 or 12 pack of beer.
Every Christmas Eve, he is usually too drunk to help put out the gifts or help and I love Christmas. For him it is painful because of bad childhood memories and for me, who had a not-perfect childhood, the one thing my parents did right is Christmas, so it is my favorite. He tries to help, I am usually pissed because I have spent so much time and energy on this and instead of the same excitement or happiness I get anger and resentment from him. This Christmas, in truth, was better than past ones, but this is probably our youngest's last Christmas believing in Santa and he just messed everything up. She was testing us each step of the way (not telling us what she asked Santa for, extra observant on little things, etc) and he did everything wrong. I am so sad about this, for her. For me. Our last baby. The magic is gone. I feel like if he wasn't drinking things would have been so different. I know she would have figured it out anyway, but she was holding on so tight for everything to be true.
I know that I am not prepared for this, for recovery, for what it will mean, what it will bring up for our entire family. I have been seeing a counselor, who I adore, but I have a hard time admitting to her and even to myself how bad it really is.
So there it is, I am co-dependent, wishing this was someone else's problem, that he was different- stronger, more motivated, more open to me. And, so scared about what the change (if there is any) will mean and the work I need to do for myself. Which is hard and painful and just sucks. Why does life have to be this hard?
I so admire the posts that I have been reading and the strength that is shown. I'm scared. I truly do love him, we have built a nice life together. I hope we can get through to the other side.
Thanks for the support, it means so much.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 6
Sorry! I am learning how to use the forum... I guess I can't respond to everyone's posts individually? Thanks, this is the practical stuff I needed to hear. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do, and what he should be doing for himself. I appreciate the time everyone has taken to respond to me. Truly! I am still at the place where I haven't talked to anyone (lately) about what is happening and I always downplay how much he drinks. ( I know I need to stop that.. I am just not there yet) so this forum is my one place. I feel like if I can say it here then maybe I can say slowly start talking about it to others. One step at a time..
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by sybilstone 
Sorry! I am learning how to use the forum... I guess I can't respond to everyone's posts individually? ..
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 223
@sybil-I hear you, I do. I know all of us just wanted our A’s to stop. I heard many admissions over the years and know my ex attempted rehab twice , maybe more. He’s still drinking. Nothing I ever did had any impact on that-I didn’t cause it and I can’t cure it. It’s progressive and the stat you spoke of (the time he’s not “bad”) will get worse...it’s just a sad but real fact. I understand the excitement of hearing them take initiative....but you are so wrapped up in him that you can’t see YOU. I am so happy you are here...a few years ago I was you, new here and terrified and just a shell of a person. You can do this...you can. Think of those kids, if not yourself. They will model what he does, and give it out or expect that in a partner. Showing them a momma that respects herself and says No, wow that’s a great thing! I’m so rooting for you!!
Every step, no matter how small, is a step to a better life. Keep stepping, friend.
Every step, no matter how small, is a step to a better life. Keep stepping, friend.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Originally Posted by sybilstone
I am new to this forum, found it after googling looking for a way to support my husband of 20 years.
A little backstory, we have been together since college and have three kids ages 15 to 10. We have had our share of struggles, like any couple, but love each other and are committed to spending our lives together.
My husband comes from a family of alcoholics and I come from a family of teetotallers. So our background around alcohol is pretty different.
My husband has always been a heavy drinker, he doesn't have an "off" button that I have. We have had some serious issues with his drinking in the past, the most serious was right after we had our first child. His drinking was not only heavy and sloppy, but he was making dangerous decisions that I felt, especially as a new control-freak mom, was not in the best interest of our child. I am sure there was a part of me that thought, once the baby was born, he would grow up and become more responsible, and stop drinking as much and when it didn't happen, I freaked out. His mom, who adored him, told me that I may have to leave him if he didn't straighten out. She begged him to sober up and get counseling. He did and found someone he really liked. This counselor has really helped him throughout the years on many issues (things that I believe probably contribute to the drinking) and through the death of his mom and brother (cancer-related). This counselors premise was that the idea of completely going sober and not drinking ever again was an out-dated, not-researched, idea formed by AA (I am aware of the study done last year that claimed the same thing). While my husband has not consistently seen this counselor over the last 15 years, he does occasionally whenever he feels like he needs support or advice. He went to see her a few weeks ago and last night he told me that she now believes that my husband is not in the group of heavy drinkers that can cut down, but that he needs to stop drinking completely. What was shocking to me was that my husband said that he now agrees with her and he needs my support. This was all over the phone (he is out of town) and with the kids in the background and we agreed to find a time and place to discuss this soon.
So.. now what?
I am hoping some people in this forum can help me support him. I am proud of him for taking even this first, and what must be, a very scary step to even consider quitting. But I have some questions that I would love some advice/feedback/guidance on what to do next:
1. What do I say/do during our discussion about him quitting? The way he requested a "meeting" is odd for him and makes me think that he has either been thinking about this or getting guidance from somewhere
2. He is high functioning- he drinks alone mostly after the kids and I go to sleep, my guess (I stopped tracking and trying to control his drinking years ago for my own sanity) is that he drinks about 6 beers at night. On the weekends, it can be more- I would say he goes through about two cases a week. But I know that he wakes up with hangovers often, his hands shake and he has high blood pressure. Do we need to see a doctor when he quits? Does he need to go to rehab or can this be done with a counselor and AA?
3. I started looking up AA meetings near us. Do I tell him about them or does he need to find these on his own? Do I encourage him to go or does he need to go on his own?
4. Do I need to remove all the alcohol from the house? I do drink; do I need to stop drinking around him? I don't drink a lot, but I love a good glass of wine. I try never to have more than 5 glasses a week, although I will admit to more during the holidays. I have no problem not drinking around him or for weeks or months (which I do often when I am training for a marathon, etc), but I have to admit that I would be really sad if it meant I need to get rid special bottles that I have been saving for years for special occasions, etc. We also have lots of liquor. He doesn't drink this very often (IPA is his drink of choice) , but we have a full liquor cabinet. Do we get rid of it?
5. What else should I be doing or not doing?
I really appreciate any help and guidance. Thank you
A little backstory, we have been together since college and have three kids ages 15 to 10. We have had our share of struggles, like any couple, but love each other and are committed to spending our lives together.
My husband comes from a family of alcoholics and I come from a family of teetotallers. So our background around alcohol is pretty different.
My husband has always been a heavy drinker, he doesn't have an "off" button that I have. We have had some serious issues with his drinking in the past, the most serious was right after we had our first child. His drinking was not only heavy and sloppy, but he was making dangerous decisions that I felt, especially as a new control-freak mom, was not in the best interest of our child. I am sure there was a part of me that thought, once the baby was born, he would grow up and become more responsible, and stop drinking as much and when it didn't happen, I freaked out. His mom, who adored him, told me that I may have to leave him if he didn't straighten out. She begged him to sober up and get counseling. He did and found someone he really liked. This counselor has really helped him throughout the years on many issues (things that I believe probably contribute to the drinking) and through the death of his mom and brother (cancer-related). This counselors premise was that the idea of completely going sober and not drinking ever again was an out-dated, not-researched, idea formed by AA (I am aware of the study done last year that claimed the same thing). While my husband has not consistently seen this counselor over the last 15 years, he does occasionally whenever he feels like he needs support or advice. He went to see her a few weeks ago and last night he told me that she now believes that my husband is not in the group of heavy drinkers that can cut down, but that he needs to stop drinking completely. What was shocking to me was that my husband said that he now agrees with her and he needs my support. This was all over the phone (he is out of town) and with the kids in the background and we agreed to find a time and place to discuss this soon.
So.. now what?
I am hoping some people in this forum can help me support him. I am proud of him for taking even this first, and what must be, a very scary step to even consider quitting. But I have some questions that I would love some advice/feedback/guidance on what to do next:
1. What do I say/do during our discussion about him quitting? The way he requested a "meeting" is odd for him and makes me think that he has either been thinking about this or getting guidance from somewhere
2. He is high functioning- he drinks alone mostly after the kids and I go to sleep, my guess (I stopped tracking and trying to control his drinking years ago for my own sanity) is that he drinks about 6 beers at night. On the weekends, it can be more- I would say he goes through about two cases a week. But I know that he wakes up with hangovers often, his hands shake and he has high blood pressure. Do we need to see a doctor when he quits? Does he need to go to rehab or can this be done with a counselor and AA?
3. I started looking up AA meetings near us. Do I tell him about them or does he need to find these on his own? Do I encourage him to go or does he need to go on his own?
4. Do I need to remove all the alcohol from the house? I do drink; do I need to stop drinking around him? I don't drink a lot, but I love a good glass of wine. I try never to have more than 5 glasses a week, although I will admit to more during the holidays. I have no problem not drinking around him or for weeks or months (which I do often when I am training for a marathon, etc), but I have to admit that I would be really sad if it meant I need to get rid special bottles that I have been saving for years for special occasions, etc. We also have lots of liquor. He doesn't drink this very often (IPA is his drink of choice) , but we have a full liquor cabinet. Do we get rid of it?
5. What else should I be doing or not doing?
I really appreciate any help and guidance. Thank you
I think the comparison to weight loss is a good one. There are ups and downs, slips and recoveries, maybe some fad diets, manic exercising, bouts of Weight Watchers, good and bad moods, and hopefully progress begins at some point and it will go from there. Its helped me to think of it all as a process of change, and not just one event with no looking back.
I think each of us is different in our emotions, and in our relationships. A few things that helped me when my husband went through this was to: work with a therapist to discuss my feelings, emotions, work through past traumatic events, understand addiction and how it manifests, understand how its linked with other underlying issues. It helped me to get centered in myself, have control over my emotions when I talked with him, listened to him share things. Our worst times were when we were both highly emotional and pinging off one another. I listened a lot, wasn't afraid to ask questions, give my thoughts, but I also tried to always respect his thoughts and feelings (even if they sometimes seemed irrational to me, because for him it made sense and it was where he was at in the process of change).
I isolated for a while which was not good for me. I have a supportive family but was ashamed to tell them what had been going on. When I finally was able to open up to them - a whole wealth of family support came my way. I tried Alanon (based on AA model) for a while, but therapy which I feel is much more diverse worked better for me. However I still think shutting out my own family and friends was the worst thing I did.
My husbands still deals with anxiety and depression. I mentioned the Mindfullness tools above. We both use these and even do some of them together. We just had our first child and life has changed a lot. (another process of change ! ) and those mental/emotional/physical breaks have become really important to keep mommy sane !
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by dandylion
Sybil....I am sending you a PM....(private message).....look toward the right upper part of the screen...and you will see a flashing black box....click on that box to get the message....
thanks Danylion!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 6
so...
Still no conversation about what DH means about "support." I told him yesterday that there was a "big ole matzo ball" hanging out there (hopefully some of you get that reference) and we needed to talk. He agreed, but that was it.
The good news is he hasn't been drinking since Sunday (that I know of) and he is seeing his therapist today.
The bad news is that he is going to lunch with some friends that are mostly all HFA. He is going after his therapy session, so we will see how that turns out. What he does at this lunch will be incredibly telling.
Thanks again everyone.
Still no conversation about what DH means about "support." I told him yesterday that there was a "big ole matzo ball" hanging out there (hopefully some of you get that reference) and we needed to talk. He agreed, but that was it.
The good news is he hasn't been drinking since Sunday (that I know of) and he is seeing his therapist today.
The bad news is that he is going to lunch with some friends that are mostly all HFA. He is going after his therapy session, so we will see how that turns out. What he does at this lunch will be incredibly telling.
Thanks again everyone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 223
Sybil....try this, try writing something just about you that doesn’t involve what he’s doing at all....shift your focus on what he’s doing, who he’s going to lunch with, whether he is drinking, whether he’s going to therapy, etc...those things are NOT in your control. He’s going to make whatever decision , regardless of what you do. Think of the life you want...and what you deserve. He’s not talking (most likely) bc he simply has nothing more to say-his talking is most likely all words to string you along and keep you constantly hooked (I hope I’m wrong).
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
sybil....this is not the biggest issue that you have going on, I know...but, I just can't resist mentioning it...You said that you youngest is 10yrs. old....right?
Trust me, she knows that Santa is not a "real person"....
I recall just "knowing" that Santa was a great concept...but not really a mindreading fat man that came into the house at night and I had seen enough real cows and understood gravity well enough to know that raindeer couldn't fly without wings...
BUT...I pretended that I believed all of that for years....to please my parents...I didn't want to confront them on the matter (and, I thought I might get more presents if they thought I was a believer)....
My own kids caught on at about 4-5yrs. of age...at least...but, they pretended that they were Santa believers when they exchanged gifts at their fathers house (we were divorced)...
I think little kids inherently want to please their parents....lol...
I did learn that we parents almost always underestimate how much our kids know about what is going on....they are like little sponges that absorb everything in their environment...both the good and the bad.....
Trust me, she knows that Santa is not a "real person"....
I recall just "knowing" that Santa was a great concept...but not really a mindreading fat man that came into the house at night and I had seen enough real cows and understood gravity well enough to know that raindeer couldn't fly without wings...
BUT...I pretended that I believed all of that for years....to please my parents...I didn't want to confront them on the matter (and, I thought I might get more presents if they thought I was a believer)....
My own kids caught on at about 4-5yrs. of age...at least...but, they pretended that they were Santa believers when they exchanged gifts at their fathers house (we were divorced)...
I think little kids inherently want to please their parents....lol...
I did learn that we parents almost always underestimate how much our kids know about what is going on....they are like little sponges that absorb everything in their environment...both the good and the bad.....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: nh
Posts: 339
You support your husband by taking care of yourself. By you doing you and letting him do him. Sobriety is also hard and not the end of the battle. Find an AL Anon meetng and educate yourself on alcoholism and addiction. Go to at least 6 meetngs to see if it is for you. Different meetings have different “flavors” but are all the same program. They will never tell you what to do and will only share their experience stregnth and hope Hugs!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
