LateBloominCait

I have been here before. Three years ago I had small voice inside me that wanted to stop drinking and for the first time ever, I listened to it. I was raised in a family with many alcoholics, but never really considered myself one of them until a family member died. It was a terrible, painful death and completely caused by his alcohol consumption. I think it shocked me into thinking about my own drinking habits and so I stopped one day.

I don't think I ever really believed I was an addict at that point. I struggled with that question in my mind the entire 100 days of my first sobriety. Initially I wanted to stop forever and even went to an AA meeting before deciding that I wasn't like "them", I was just a victim of alcoholism and I could control it. I didn't admit it to myself, but I began planning my relapse the moment I walked out of that meeting.

When the first real test came, I hit the bottle hard and did not stop my cycle of bingeing and recovering until the end of last month. I did not enjoy it. I do not enjoy it anymore. I know I am an alcoholic now. I continued to drink even though it is an activity I don't enjoy. How insane is that?

I am feeling very sure right now that I would do anything to never drink again. I am also very scared right now and feel very fragile. I don't want to drink now, but I know that eventually I will. That is why this time I am going to make a plan. I am going to AA as soon as I can and I am going to work the steps this time. I am also going to stay connected here. It helps to know that other people have been through the same struggle and that other people are where I am now as well.

I really dread going into that first meeting. I dread a lot of things in life because I have serious anxiety issues. I'm going to do it anyway, but it still terrifies me. But this is the work that I need to do on myself if I ever want to learn to cope with life and stress without drinking poison to escape it every few days. I want to be present in every moment in life and not miss entire days recovering by the toilet or in bed. I am ready to admit that I have no idea how to stop and that I want to listen to and learn from people who have stopped and are living a better life.

When I first went to AA three years ago, I was so much angrier than I am now and had much more of a chip on my shoulder. Almost like I went there to prove to myself that it wasn't where I belonged. I know now that it is exactly where I belong and where I need to be right now. I just wish I could get to a meeting sooner. I live in a somewhat remote area with limited meetings. In the meantime I will continue to repeat my mantra: I will not drink today.

january161992

get a diverter shift which is the 24 hour aa hotline

most shifts are a few hours once a month

answer the phone for aa and be of service to others from anywhere

i had a monthly diverter shift for 18 years

faith823

Hello LateBloominCate,

Welcome. I love your mantra. I will not drink today. That is manageable a day at a time. I am very newly sober. I have like you been to AA . I had a year Sober and drank very soon after when faced with a challenging situation. I went right to a bar and was in the hospital that same day.
Not fun very disheartening time. I am on day 14 and very fragile as well.
I never want to drink again no matter what. I know I need a plan to make this a reality . You will find a lot of support here. I am currently using these boards as my life line. I have been stuck in the house all week. Its below zero out and I lost my job due to my drinking.
Thats where it has taken me. Take care of yourself and congrats on your Sober time. Know that you are not alone.

Anna

Welcome LateBloominCait,

I'm glad you found us and that you are ready to stop drinking. We have lots of support to offer! You will be able to learn healthy ways to deal with anxiety.

LateBloominCait

I think you're on to something with this idea. Thanks!

LateBloominCait

That is a ton to have on your plate. I really admire you for being strong enough to tackle sobriety! 14 days is two weeks! That is an accomplishment for sure.

I read somewhere, and it may have been here (I have been doing a TON of reading the last few days on the topic of alcoholism) that you have to treat your sobriety like a newborn baby for at least the first months. I really like that way of thinking about it. I want to take it a step further by adding my own thought. Like a newborn baby, my sobriety needs a group of people with a lot more experience, the adults (long term sober AA members), to guide me in the right directions so my sobriety (and myself!) can grow into a mature, stable and peaceful individual.

Hevyn

It's great to have you with us, LateBloominCait. I, too, clung to it long after it was fun or enjoyable. Not sure why I was so afraid to let go, it was bringing me nothing but misery. I'm so glad you are free.

LateBloominCait

Thanks for the welcome!

I think I come back to alcohol because it has been the one constant in my life. I had a very rough childhood with absent drug addict/alcoholic parent. There was abuse and being tossed around a lot by family members with various problems. Very dysfunctional stuff. Alcohol has been the one common theme to everything up until now for me. It is very much like an abusive person who I know is terrible for me, but I keep coming back. I was traumatized by it as a child, yet I am addicted to it as an adult. There is so much to unpack there. I don't know why I ever thought I could just will myself to stop. In my case, I was an alcoholic before I ever picked up a drink.