Mom
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
Posts: 123
Mom
Hello SR,
Been spending quite a lot of time on here lately for my recovery and made a new friend in the process. Grateful.
Today my mom would have been 84. She passed away indirectly from alcoholism in 1995. I say indirectly out of respect to her dying wish, which was to die from anything but alcoholism.
She had battled it my entire life (I was only 24 when she died) and she just wanted a shred of dignity at least in death. She suffered badly, isolation, rejection, loneliness, incomprehensible demoralization. I as the only daughter and alone with her, suffered the same.
She prayed for it to end and woke up one day with lung cancer, she was grateful, we were devastated, we wanted her to live, she did not.
I post this because it's her birthday today and I never know how to acknowledge it. I don't know how to comprehend any of it. Years and years of al anon, self help, therapy all of it and I'm barely feeling feelings about it now, 23 years later. None of the treatment means anything when you love an alcoholic, at least not for me.
I love another alcoholic now and find it interesting when people say run, get out now, there is a lot of that on SR. People who have made it to the other side and love to tell there success story.
What if you don't want to run or dump the alcoholic? Everyone did that to my mom, and it sure didn't help me as the only daughter needing support and people who understood it as a disease.
It's no so simple, nothing about it is simple.
Kayleezen
Been spending quite a lot of time on here lately for my recovery and made a new friend in the process. Grateful.
Today my mom would have been 84. She passed away indirectly from alcoholism in 1995. I say indirectly out of respect to her dying wish, which was to die from anything but alcoholism.
She had battled it my entire life (I was only 24 when she died) and she just wanted a shred of dignity at least in death. She suffered badly, isolation, rejection, loneliness, incomprehensible demoralization. I as the only daughter and alone with her, suffered the same.
She prayed for it to end and woke up one day with lung cancer, she was grateful, we were devastated, we wanted her to live, she did not.
I post this because it's her birthday today and I never know how to acknowledge it. I don't know how to comprehend any of it. Years and years of al anon, self help, therapy all of it and I'm barely feeling feelings about it now, 23 years later. None of the treatment means anything when you love an alcoholic, at least not for me.
I love another alcoholic now and find it interesting when people say run, get out now, there is a lot of that on SR. People who have made it to the other side and love to tell there success story.
What if you don't want to run or dump the alcoholic? Everyone did that to my mom, and it sure didn't help me as the only daughter needing support and people who understood it as a disease.
It's no so simple, nothing about it is simple.
Kayleezen
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 1,060
Welcome Kayleezen,
Sorry for you loss and such grief you go through. I am an alcoholic with two years sobriety. Each circumstance is different for co-dependency. I try to give advice with a very objective view with my experience as a alcoholic which a non-alcoholic has no understanding of the turmoil we have gone through. So I would agree on some level that non-alcoholics on here are quick to discount the addict. Addicts can change if they are working a program. With all that said, a co-dependent needs to make their happiness priority. With both individuals working a program a relationship can flourish. Also, I've noticed on the friends and family forums there is more fingering pointing than on the alcoholics forum. And that's the dangerous circle of the addiction and co-dependent relationship, both feel they are the victim and use these excuses to stay in their disease.
I will always give a co-dependent the advice to leave an abusive relationship. An alcoholic in their disease is going to be abusive emotionally, mentally, or physically.
Sorry for you loss and such grief you go through. I am an alcoholic with two years sobriety. Each circumstance is different for co-dependency. I try to give advice with a very objective view with my experience as a alcoholic which a non-alcoholic has no understanding of the turmoil we have gone through. So I would agree on some level that non-alcoholics on here are quick to discount the addict. Addicts can change if they are working a program. With all that said, a co-dependent needs to make their happiness priority. With both individuals working a program a relationship can flourish. Also, I've noticed on the friends and family forums there is more fingering pointing than on the alcoholics forum. And that's the dangerous circle of the addiction and co-dependent relationship, both feel they are the victim and use these excuses to stay in their disease.
I will always give a co-dependent the advice to leave an abusive relationship. An alcoholic in their disease is going to be abusive emotionally, mentally, or physically.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I think everyone in this forum, both sides, is doing the best they can with the knowledge, experience and emotions they have to work with. We're mostly not professionals in the advice-giving or counseling business. From what I have seen, there are lots of people here who are willing to meet others where they're at, as well as a lot of resistance to hearing things that make people uncomfortable. Again, on all sides of this forum. There are also real-life therapists and support groups like AA and Al-Anon available, and resistance to those as well. We're all people who hurt or have hurt, and the only shoes we can walk in are our own.
I am sorry you lost your mom and felt alone during that time. What would be the best way for people here to support you now, with the challenges you face in your relationship with another alcoholic?
I am sorry you lost your mom and felt alone during that time. What would be the best way for people here to support you now, with the challenges you face in your relationship with another alcoholic?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kaylee.....it sounds like you loved/love your mother, very much....regardless of the circumstances.
I hope that you can think of the good things about her, that you carry in your heart, about her. I think that would be a good way to honor her, today.
She is at peace, now....and, it am sure that it would have pleased her to know that you carry love for the good parts, in your heart.
I hope that you can think of the good things about her, that you carry in your heart, about her. I think that would be a good way to honor her, today.
She is at peace, now....and, it am sure that it would have pleased her to know that you carry love for the good parts, in your heart.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
H, kayleezen.
I am very sorry.
Losing a parent is hard.
My son lost his father to cancer when he was not long out of high school.
It leaves scars and sadness that never really go away.
But... we don’t have to be who we think we are.
Short story: for years I thought that alcohol addiction was my genetic legacy.
My father drank, his father drank, his father’s father drank.
Countless uncles, aunts, cousins, all big drinkers.
I used to say that there was an alcoholic perched on every branch of my family tree.
I was wrong. I don’t have to drink. It isn’t foreordained. That was just my internal voice giving me the okay.
I’m sorry that your mom and you were not supported and that you feel it to this day.
You didn’t deserve it.
Everyone deserves to be, if not happy, at least serene within their lives.
I hope you find more serenity.
I am very sorry.
Losing a parent is hard.
My son lost his father to cancer when he was not long out of high school.
It leaves scars and sadness that never really go away.
But... we don’t have to be who we think we are.
Short story: for years I thought that alcohol addiction was my genetic legacy.
My father drank, his father drank, his father’s father drank.
Countless uncles, aunts, cousins, all big drinkers.
I used to say that there was an alcoholic perched on every branch of my family tree.
I was wrong. I don’t have to drink. It isn’t foreordained. That was just my internal voice giving me the okay.
I’m sorry that your mom and you were not supported and that you feel it to this day.
You didn’t deserve it.
Everyone deserves to be, if not happy, at least serene within their lives.
I hope you find more serenity.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
Posts: 123
Thanks SparkleKitty,
I am in al anon and really showing up lately.
My challenges have been willingness to open up and let people know what's going on which I did in the post.
The tools of detachment, boundaries, Step one and not taking on the hurts, fears and pain of the alcoholic are strong ones for me.
For years I was able to skip around all of the past with my intellect and make some sort of a life for myself however limited. I've hit some point where I can't do that anymore. Now I need to take some risks (which was the post) and put myself out there. The shame and hiding were doing me in, loving my current alcoholic has put this all into focus and unfrozen all the deep hurts that were buried and running my life without me even knowing it.
Thank you for your response.
I am in al anon and really showing up lately.
My challenges have been willingness to open up and let people know what's going on which I did in the post.
The tools of detachment, boundaries, Step one and not taking on the hurts, fears and pain of the alcoholic are strong ones for me.
For years I was able to skip around all of the past with my intellect and make some sort of a life for myself however limited. I've hit some point where I can't do that anymore. Now I need to take some risks (which was the post) and put myself out there. The shame and hiding were doing me in, loving my current alcoholic has put this all into focus and unfrozen all the deep hurts that were buried and running my life without me even knowing it.
Thank you for your response.
2/2016
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 582
I learned a few years ago that often people choose unconciously those we love because they represent unfinished business with another similiar personality or we choose those which are familiar and we understand the patterns. i find it interesting you are with an alcoholic and it reminds me of the things i have learned about who i attach myself too. This a a growth opportunity for you, but always put yourself first as you are worthy of love just by being and you are the prize here, not anyone else.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
Posts: 123
Words of Hope
Originally Posted by Done4today 
Welcome Kayleezen,
With both individuals working a program a relationship can flourish.
With both individuals working a program a relationship can flourish.
These kind of statements are so important to say. I guess when I wrote my post about Mom, I was communicating that I have always needed more words like this (Hope)
I know the wreckage of an alcoholic is unhealthy and I know all the damage of an abusive relationship.
What I don't know is hope/healing/happy destiny even for myself as the co-dependent with the alcoholic, since I am only able to change myself.
I've heard the words, "you can do better, you deserve better, he is probably going to die from his disease, your relationship will never work, you will loose your whole life if you stay with this guy."
I have heard much of this and I know some of it can happen but as you said with working my program, none of it has to happen and they say in our literature (al anon)
it is possible to find contentment whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. Now those are some serious words of hope!!!
Thank you again,
Kayleezen
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
Your mom is 50% of who you are. It is a beautiful thing to love your mother.
My kids are 50% of myself and my husband. As a mom myself, I can only hope that my kids make good decisions in their life. It was like This is US Rebecca's love for Jack, he is not perfect. . .
I thought Justin Hartley should have have gotten an Emmy for his performance on This is Us on addiction. It is so true that people treated Kevin like this successful person and overlooked his addiction. Sophie shut the door twice. Sophie and Kevin loved each other. It is just like the character Kevin said that he kept screwing up things with Sophie. It did not make sense. We do not know is a lot about Sophie.
My father-in-law had a saying that you take care of family. He was taking care of his wife, my husband, my two kids, my husband's grandmother (his mother-in-law), and my husband's uncle (his brother-in-law).
My father-in-law and my husband's grandmother quit smoking a long time ago. That was actually a smart thing and good because they both lived a longer life.
Unfortunately, my mother-in-law did not quit smoking. She was a loving and caring woman. The last year of her life when she was battling smoker's cancer was tough. I was not happy about her smoking around my kids because it was unhealthy. It was not easy to be around her when she was smoking because I could not breathe as well (I have never smoked myself). When she did pass away, I said a prayer out loud in front of her family, "Welcome to heaven." I loved her a lot despite her being addicted to smoking. I wanted the best for her and if I could give comfort to her side of the family it was just that she was in a better place now. That was almost 3 years ago this coming April.
So what happened next was a little crazy. The mother-in-law's brother was being taken care by his family. Originally he lived in my husband's grandmother's house. And then when my husband's grandmother moved in with the inlaws, they bought my mother-in-law's brother a house to live in by himself. This brother had a lot of years of substance and alcohol abuse. He did not really have a job. He was supported by his family. My father-in-law kept bailing him out because you are supposed to take care of family. This brother died within days of my mother-in-law passing away, because the week my father-in-law was at the hospital taking care of his wife the last week of her life, and he could no longer take care of his wife's brother. No one was there to enable him or bail him out. The doctor had told this brother to stop drinking. They had tried to get him to go to rehab. He kept leaving rehab and had my father-in-law pick him up.
My husband's grandmother passed away one year ago this coming March. She was 92 years old. She had survived all three of her children (there was another brother that passed away when the grandmother moved out of the house).
My kids are 50% of myself and my husband. As a mom myself, I can only hope that my kids make good decisions in their life. It was like This is US Rebecca's love for Jack, he is not perfect. . .
I thought Justin Hartley should have have gotten an Emmy for his performance on This is Us on addiction. It is so true that people treated Kevin like this successful person and overlooked his addiction. Sophie shut the door twice. Sophie and Kevin loved each other. It is just like the character Kevin said that he kept screwing up things with Sophie. It did not make sense. We do not know is a lot about Sophie.
My father-in-law had a saying that you take care of family. He was taking care of his wife, my husband, my two kids, my husband's grandmother (his mother-in-law), and my husband's uncle (his brother-in-law).
My father-in-law and my husband's grandmother quit smoking a long time ago. That was actually a smart thing and good because they both lived a longer life.
Unfortunately, my mother-in-law did not quit smoking. She was a loving and caring woman. The last year of her life when she was battling smoker's cancer was tough. I was not happy about her smoking around my kids because it was unhealthy. It was not easy to be around her when she was smoking because I could not breathe as well (I have never smoked myself). When she did pass away, I said a prayer out loud in front of her family, "Welcome to heaven." I loved her a lot despite her being addicted to smoking. I wanted the best for her and if I could give comfort to her side of the family it was just that she was in a better place now. That was almost 3 years ago this coming April.
So what happened next was a little crazy. The mother-in-law's brother was being taken care by his family. Originally he lived in my husband's grandmother's house. And then when my husband's grandmother moved in with the inlaws, they bought my mother-in-law's brother a house to live in by himself. This brother had a lot of years of substance and alcohol abuse. He did not really have a job. He was supported by his family. My father-in-law kept bailing him out because you are supposed to take care of family. This brother died within days of my mother-in-law passing away, because the week my father-in-law was at the hospital taking care of his wife the last week of her life, and he could no longer take care of his wife's brother. No one was there to enable him or bail him out. The doctor had told this brother to stop drinking. They had tried to get him to go to rehab. He kept leaving rehab and had my father-in-law pick him up.
My husband's grandmother passed away one year ago this coming March. She was 92 years old. She had survived all three of her children (there was another brother that passed away when the grandmother moved out of the house).
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Kayle,
Welcome back. Happy Birthday to your beautiful mother. I am sure you have very painful memories growing up in an alcoholic home. I can see you are hurt that people "abandoned" her in her need. You were a child and probably didn't see the damage your mother had done to family and friends. But that is not the issue, you loved your mom and you are recognizing that. Over time the horrible things that were in your past eventually fade away and the good takes over.
Now I see that you are "hurt" regarding comments towards are addicts. I lived with my axh for 34 years of my life. I lived threw "3 life" times with him. I spent hours and hours and hours in therapy, in open aa meetings, in alanon meetings and on SR to get where I am today. I was very very sick in my codependent role with the man I loved. He was the fun loving addict and I was in the sinking ship. I worked my xss off to be where I am today. I played the every role possible to "stay" with this man.... 34 years!!! It just didnt work for me.
You have choices and can live with your alcoholic and have a content life. I wanted more. I wanted respect, peace of mind, sleep, love, and everything else that goes with a marriage that I never received with my addict. I have no regrets of my divorce. My life is to short to have it controlled by someone who is out of their mind.
I have the utmost respect and dignity for you to have this burden again in your life. Its a hard life, but there are many of you can do it. I wasn't strong enough.
Hugs to you and again.... Happy Birthday to your mother.
Welcome back. Happy Birthday to your beautiful mother. I am sure you have very painful memories growing up in an alcoholic home. I can see you are hurt that people "abandoned" her in her need. You were a child and probably didn't see the damage your mother had done to family and friends. But that is not the issue, you loved your mom and you are recognizing that. Over time the horrible things that were in your past eventually fade away and the good takes over.
Now I see that you are "hurt" regarding comments towards are addicts. I lived with my axh for 34 years of my life. I lived threw "3 life" times with him. I spent hours and hours and hours in therapy, in open aa meetings, in alanon meetings and on SR to get where I am today. I was very very sick in my codependent role with the man I loved. He was the fun loving addict and I was in the sinking ship. I worked my xss off to be where I am today. I played the every role possible to "stay" with this man.... 34 years!!! It just didnt work for me.
You have choices and can live with your alcoholic and have a content life. I wanted more. I wanted respect, peace of mind, sleep, love, and everything else that goes with a marriage that I never received with my addict. I have no regrets of my divorce. My life is to short to have it controlled by someone who is out of their mind.
I have the utmost respect and dignity for you to have this burden again in your life. Its a hard life, but there are many of you can do it. I wasn't strong enough.
Hugs to you and again.... Happy Birthday to your mother.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
Posts: 123
Thanks Maia,
I think you were strong enough!
34 years is a long time. People divorce for a lot less. If we decide to leave I don't think we should ever feel guilty, I just find it troubling when a person is in pain over an alcoholic they are in love with and they get judged, told horror stories and the main advice to "dump him."
People would not say that about a cancer patient plus it is just not helpful.
If they could just dump him, they probably wouldn't be posting but letting go and finding another way.
Everyone has a different path and none of us know what that is.
I think you were strong enough!
34 years is a long time. People divorce for a lot less. If we decide to leave I don't think we should ever feel guilty, I just find it troubling when a person is in pain over an alcoholic they are in love with and they get judged, told horror stories and the main advice to "dump him."
People would not say that about a cancer patient plus it is just not helpful.
If they could just dump him, they probably wouldn't be posting but letting go and finding another way.
Everyone has a different path and none of us know what that is.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Kayle,
Everyone of us codies come to SR looking for that piece of paper that says "how do we get our alcoholic sober and live happily ever after". That paper doesn't exist. I too came hear to learn how to "live" with my addict till I could "wait for the miracle to happen", as they say in alanon. So what I realized was that my axh was not a special snowflake, he did the same crap to me that 99% of the spouses on this forum had done to them. Wow, just wow. It opened my eyes to what life would be in my future. I had always been in control and could handle everything, until I couldn't any longer. That is the time that I sought help for me, as I was dying inside.
It was eye opening to me that this disease is progressive, just like your mom, she didn't die from the affects of the alcohol, (that would have been to shameful) she died from cancer even though alcohol would probably have killed her also. This is a family disease that destroys the addict and the family involved. I was nieve to the facts of this disease.
You come on sr and educate yourself of what your future will be like.... them not going to work, spending so much money on alcohol and drugs, peeing the bed, passing out all over your home, dui's, jail time, affairs, the lies, the fights, the disappointments, the ruined holidays, the loneliness, and a million other things. I have been there because I felt this was my life and I didn't deserve anything better.
I do deserve better, he was mentally ill, but so was I. I did the work to find out why I wasn't deserving of respect. I did the work to realize just because I loved someone I didn't have to watch him kill himself, watching him shake, sweat and not have solid bowel movements for 30 years. I played the game along with him.
Once I realized that I can divorce a man that I loved, with all my heart, to save me, a glimmer of hope gave me strength. I could love him from a distance and not come home one day and have him dead on the floor. I had choices, I did not have to sit and watch his destruction of his life. I slowly got the strength to take care of me. These people on this forum held my hand and guided me to the place I am now. I own a small town home, I have a good job with benefits, I have kids who respect me for what I went through and Survived, I sleep, I am happy, I am deserving, I can love myself again. I hear from my kids that dad is not the dad he was, and it breaks my heart, but I am a Survivor. If I can do it any man and woman on this forum can. By being real and letting members know what your future is with alcoholic I feel is reality. They are on this forum because someones drinking is causing them pain, so to lightly coat their future is not in anyone's best interest.
Everyone of us codies come to SR looking for that piece of paper that says "how do we get our alcoholic sober and live happily ever after". That paper doesn't exist. I too came hear to learn how to "live" with my addict till I could "wait for the miracle to happen", as they say in alanon. So what I realized was that my axh was not a special snowflake, he did the same crap to me that 99% of the spouses on this forum had done to them. Wow, just wow. It opened my eyes to what life would be in my future. I had always been in control and could handle everything, until I couldn't any longer. That is the time that I sought help for me, as I was dying inside.
It was eye opening to me that this disease is progressive, just like your mom, she didn't die from the affects of the alcohol, (that would have been to shameful) she died from cancer even though alcohol would probably have killed her also. This is a family disease that destroys the addict and the family involved. I was nieve to the facts of this disease.
You come on sr and educate yourself of what your future will be like.... them not going to work, spending so much money on alcohol and drugs, peeing the bed, passing out all over your home, dui's, jail time, affairs, the lies, the fights, the disappointments, the ruined holidays, the loneliness, and a million other things. I have been there because I felt this was my life and I didn't deserve anything better.
I do deserve better, he was mentally ill, but so was I. I did the work to find out why I wasn't deserving of respect. I did the work to realize just because I loved someone I didn't have to watch him kill himself, watching him shake, sweat and not have solid bowel movements for 30 years. I played the game along with him.
Once I realized that I can divorce a man that I loved, with all my heart, to save me, a glimmer of hope gave me strength. I could love him from a distance and not come home one day and have him dead on the floor. I had choices, I did not have to sit and watch his destruction of his life. I slowly got the strength to take care of me. These people on this forum held my hand and guided me to the place I am now. I own a small town home, I have a good job with benefits, I have kids who respect me for what I went through and Survived, I sleep, I am happy, I am deserving, I can love myself again. I hear from my kids that dad is not the dad he was, and it breaks my heart, but I am a Survivor. If I can do it any man and woman on this forum can. By being real and letting members know what your future is with alcoholic I feel is reality. They are on this forum because someones drinking is causing them pain, so to lightly coat their future is not in anyone's best interest.
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