klekota

It's been a long time since my last posting. My addicted wife has continued down her path of self destruction. As the progression of her addiction has intensified so has the combativeness, the deceit, denial and defiance. She has used pretty regularly for the last year with periods of escalating intensity depending upon how much / often she can score.
In the past six months:
I have had her go on multiple all night benders,

I have had to take her to the hospital because she fell into respiratory distress (take our toddler out of their crib at 3am to do so),

come home late from work to her stumbling around this house with a bottle in her hand to try to feed our child, have her screaming fits when I take said bottle from her and go to feed the baby instead of her,

have her get trapped behind the open door in the bathroom and try to bang her way out (I stop her so she won't wake the baby and she starts fighting me some more)

have her pass out standing up and fall onto the baby's high chair while said baby is trying to eat,

smoking MJ repeatedly in the house while baby and oldest child is in the same area,

smoking MJ and driving with the children,

making promised to our oldest child and constantly breaking them,
stealing pain pills from a family member during a holiday party at our hosts house, me catching her in the act, and her assaulting me cursing and screaming at me in front of our children and the guests.

Bringing a man home from the bar to "hang out", hint: they did drugs, overnight when I was on a business trip. Then get blamed because I think she cheated on me.

The entire Christmas and New Year's holiday being high, trying to goad me into fights because the boundary I have set to not interact when she is under the influence, is not her cup of tea.

We have a two year old that is in this that makes this all the more dire a circumstance. I have a older child who has a very negative attitude with me, thinks I am mean to mommy and wants me to stay on business trips on time out so I don't fight anymore. The emotional scars that are bore into his soul should be a burden no child should endure. I look at my youngest and my heart weeps that such an innocent child will be brought up in a place where her mother cannot give her the type of pure love a child needs. I see in every fight, every tantrum my wife throws, every item my wife flings across the house, every fist and slap my wife strikes me with in front of my child, an innocence is lost and irrevocable damage is being caused. I know that this is harming these children. I know it is and will continue to teach them that this toxic relationship is normal. I fear that both these children will normalize this behavior; the tantrums, the violence, the drug use. I feel powerless. I have no control of my children's lives; about nurturing them and teaching them. I feel that I am failing these children by having them exposed to the most detrimental thing any child can be exposed to, an unstable home. Truthfully I am disgusted with myself that I have allowed my children to be harmed. I question how I can confidently say I am a man, when I do not protect those who cannot protect themselves. I am disappointed and angry of what and who I have let myself become. Mostly for what I am not, their protector.

She continually tries to gaslight me. I see through my wife's lying ways. It takes so much effort to dig for the truth, analyze her statements, and figure out what is really going on and I am exhausted in doing it any longer. I am sick of having to look through her phone before I go on a business trip to see if she has bought anything. I don't want to do this, but I see no other way to protect my children.

However, her friends and family are a different story. She has manufactured an alternate reality where she is a victim and I am an abuser. As the story often goes in our society, women are more like to be abused by their male spouses in relationships. My wife, for the past year, has cultivated a reality for her friends and family that state that all I am trying to do is control her, I am verbally abusive to her, I make threats to her. She has demonized me because I call her out on her use. I tell her it is unacceptable, and it must stop. I confront her on her lies, I tell her they must stop.

I have read (in texts) her friends advising her to call the cops on me for being "abusive". Why was I abusive? The morning my wife went into respiratory distress and I told her if she doesn't clean up her act I'm going to have to take the kids; that I will give her time but Its becoming too serious to not do. Or when I yelled (and this time screamed) at her when I found out she brought some degenerate from the bar home to do drugs in our home while I was away and as our child slept. Both her friends and her mother has said I shouldn't yell at her for that and it was in the past (a week prior) and should let it go.

I can write a story about the mother. I've had her mother blame me for being abusive because I "yell" at her, I do raise my voice if she smokes her MJ while a toddler toddles past her, or if she tries driving with my kids. But that's after all else fails. The mother also blames me for the drug use because I work too much and should be there more often so my wife can go out and relax more and get to rest. She also says if I am nice to her than she will stop using. I tell her no you are enabling her, you can be nice, mean,nasty or sweet, it doesn't matter because she is a drug addict and nothing matters to her except the drugs. Then she says she is older than me and I am arrogant. I should just listen to her instead of being a know it all. How she says "klekota, you're not perfect, why are you bothering her about her drug use." or you didn't know she was going to steal those pills from your aunt so you should have trusted her going into the bathroom alone (even though I opened the door and found her in the pills). Or says all I do is yell, when I have witnesses who have seen me engage my wife calmly and discreetly in these matters. Or tell me I have no right to ignore her daughter, I should be talking to her (even though I explained my boundaries). Or lecture me I should quit my job and take something with a better schedule because her daughter has a right to be happy, I retort "so do I" and she comes back with "its not all about you". Nothing but denial and blame from her. How the hell does one get through to a drug addicted spouse when someone like that is enabling? When they have built a wall of support from their friends and family that go against the 1 single person who is holding her accountable. I see no end. I almost feel like she is painting a picture to all these people so if I do try to take the kids she can have "witnesses" claim I am unfit because of spousal abuse.

Well, this is a rant I really needed to get off my chest. I'm in a very lonely place. I just don't know where to go sometimes to talk.

To sequester any advice for all of you who have read this far to the bottom, has anyone ever experienced this demonization and alienation by a loved one. Is there a lifeline that would help get her friends and family to realize the lies they have come to believe are just lies and my wife is truly an addict who need help? Any advise on protecting children?

OpheliaKatz

You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't change it. And don't let it consume you. Four Cs. Her mother is blaming you for the drug use? That's poor. Did you force her to smoke MJ? Did you shove the bottle down her throat? What about the children? I think, from your post, you seem to think that your kids deserve better. They do. You too. You deserve better too. But the first thing you need to do it protect your kids. Right now they are an in a toxic environment and it's really upsetting them. If your spouse is driving under the influence with kids in the car, their lives are in danger. I think you need to consider your options. Think carefully because you have no control over what your spouse does, you only have control over what you do. So what should you do? What can you do?

You can't change the friends and family who are doing nothing but enabling the toxic situation to continue. What can you do about your behavior so that they don't affect your ability to raise your kids safely?

What can you change about your situation that doesn't involve any change from your spouse, her family, and her friends?

HardLessons

Hi Klekota

I am sorry for your situation.

Addiction is progressive & extremely destructive. You already know that. Your living it.

The crazy train will stop when you stop it. I volunteered & was a willing participant for my part. There came a time when I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I had to get off the crazy train & make it stop. That time came in June of 2017.

You do have the power to stop the madness. I am not saying its an easy solution. There are no easy options, but there are options.

Please take care of yourself & your children.

tomsteve

Is there a lifeline that would help get her friends and family to realize the lies they have come to believe are just lies and my wife is truly an addict who need help?

and getting f&f to realize the lie will help how? she will still be who she is and you will still be stuck in your own sickness.

MY lifeline wasnt to get f&f to see her insanity. MY lifeline was deciding I had enough and was going to get into action to get ME out of the insanity.
then to work on me.

AnvilheadII

is there a reason you are not considering divorce? that in the midst of her assaulting you no calls are made to the cops? you are NOT powerless, you have many actions you could take........

Needabreak

You make it sound like you are so helpless, like you are a victim.

You are not. It's your children who are the victims. For you, a supposedly sober person, to allow someone treat your kids this way and not take any action to put a stop to it is the saddest, most troubling part of your story.

Have you ever tried recording any of these outbursts with your cell phone? Ever invited a friend over to witness her while she is on a drunken tear? Ever stood up for yourself and your kids?

Who cares what her family thinks. Stop being so passive. If things are happening as you describe above, then record and document, call the police, press charges. If you don't have it in you to protect yourself, at least do it for the kids.

Ann

The children should never be alone with her, they are in grave danger.

She needs help and if she chooses not to seek it, you must save yourself and the children.

My prayers go out for all of you.

PuzzledHeart

When my parents caught my sister cheating on her husband, she told a story that her husband was emotionally abusive towards her. She told others that her husband and her best friend were having an affair. She also said that her husband forced her to enter an open marriage.

Maybe this was true, but what was also true was that she was puffing MJ like a chimney. She was dropping off her children at my parents (who are in their eighties) because she couldn't handle the responsibility of being a parent. Her affair partner (who is also an addict) and she went on this hare-brained business scheme so they wouldn't have to be bossed around by bosses. The only problem was that they didn't actually make money, so they ended up being receiving financial support from her ex-husband via alimony and child support.

So for years people, including myself, believed the story about the emotionally abusive ex-husband. This went on for years. Then my mom got diagnosed with cancer, and all hell broke loose.

To make a long story short, my sister went AWOL. She started harping on my dad to give her boyfriend of job so "he could prove himself to my family" (conveniently forgetting that no one else wanted to hire him because he was so doped up.) After the first month, she didn't attend any of my mom's appointments, and the doctor has forgotten that she even exists. This year, she got plastic surgery "because she deserves it". I have no idea where she got the money, but every time she pulls the "I'm a single mom and you need to feel sorry for me" routine I just roll my eyes. She barely talks to her high school or college friends, because they've all realized now that half of what she says is absolute BS and they've now sided with the ex-husband. My extended family still interacts with her, but there are a LOT of questions being asked now since her children no longer live with her.

I am telling you this because it is not going to be easy to leave her, BUT eventually the truth will be revealed. It will most likely take years; it will not happen on your timeline, but it is worth the wait. I have a pretty amicable relationship with her ex-husband now after many years of discomfort. I still do wonder if anything my sister said was true, but I feel regret that I didn't subject my sister's accusations to more scrutiny.

My parents still enable my sister - my dad talks about buying her a house, but they also see the good in her ex-husband now after many years of thinking he was the worst. They now realize that my sister is very, very lost. I won't be holding my breath that they'll be attending the next Al-Anon meeting, but they're in a good place.

So right now my sister's children are moving back and forth between my two elderly parents and their dad (I live an hour away from them). It's not perfect, but they're doing well in school, and they come home to a warm, quiet place maintained by people who will be there for them, no matter what the struggles are, whether it is a demanding job or cancer diagnoses. Some people, when faced with the challenge to take care of their loved ones, will step up to the plate. Others will run away, but spread a dust cloud of lies far and wide to disorient anyone who tries to uncover the truth.

Eventually the dust will settle, and all will be revealed.

hopeful4

Oh goodness. I would say if she is doing drugs, especially with a child there, and abusing you, you need to call the police. There should be a protective order.

The kids are at risk. Please don't leave any children with her alone, nor let her drive a child, ever. That may mean a lot of changes, but it may also save their lives.

Princessofhope

Firstly, you know that this isn't a healthy environment for you or your children. Could you live with the regret of how it is damaging them? I couldn't which was why I made the decision that when my AH is usingor withdrawing he won't live in the family home. I saw how damaging itwas for the children (and me) and decided to step up and take control of my childrens future. My AH is currently living with us and 5 months clean, he is an amazing dad when he is clean and the kids adore him. I count myself lucky when I read stories like yours as he isn't an abusive addict, when he is using he is unpleasant, chaotic and takes risks - that's why he isn't welcome in our happyfamily home during those times.

I have been there with family and friends that believe the lies the addict tells and i was the bad person and the cause of his drug addiction. I say was because they soon started to see it through action rather than me moaning about it to them. They noticed how many times he got kicked out and needed a sofa "for doing nothing" (his words) or the times he wasn't on family trips or at kids events. Everytime they asked why or where he was I would simply say "while he's using he isn't welcome". Who knows when they actually got it but they did. His family were in denial as they didn't see how much he was using and affecting the kids, then they saw how much calmer and happier the kids were. They still aren't and probably won't ever be ' on myside' in this battle but they don't defend or enable him anymore.

klekota

Thank you for that. I guess I am going through my own grieving process at the moment. I have effectively lost the one I love and to whom I believed would be my life partner. To have all these people in her life look at me like I am someone the bad actor is salt to the wound. Whats worse is these people only enable my wife and it breaks my heart to see them do this. It serves to hurt not help her ( though obviously my wife is hurting herself).

She has an ex-husband who she has turned everyone against for the same thing, including me. I now see how wrong I was and feel for the guy.

klekota

Thank you. It is simple for me. The safety of my children is the easy choice because it is the right choice. It is certainly painful to separate the family, but as I see it the family is already separated if my spouse is not in the present. I agonize because my work and high amount of travel create a serious burden and a legal complication which precluded me from pulling the trigger for so long. Sometimes things are not so cut and dry.

klekota

This is an interesting response and one I think needs to be talked about in this community. I don't know how anyone else feels, but I do think the family, including adults, are victims. Our peace has been robbed from us, we have been lied, manipulated and abused by those who are addicted. All of us in this boat have been taken advantage of, used, gaslit, mentally and sometimes physically abused. That is a victim. We should acknowledge that this is happening to us and this is wrong. That we are not the cause of this, we don't deserve this and we didn't ask for this. All of this is being done to us without our consent. That is a victim.

Now there is a difference between being the victim and playing a victim. I can assure you I am the former not the latter. Not all of us are capable of protecting ourselves like you posit. I confront my spouse and and certainly stand up for the children. Where do you think that gets? I'll give you a hint, violent outburst, blaming and more aggressive behavior from my spouse. As a male, I am not physically intimidated by my wife, but these encounters are done in front of my children and really serve no purpose except to harm them. Video tape? Tried it once, but that resulted in living room furniture being destroyed. While my little one was watching. Again, as a male, no big deal. But what happens with women who are in my situation. They don't stand a chance against an intoxicated enraged male in their face. Again, on paper easy, in life not so much.

Now I have documented much of the ways you described. Its not so simple in changing the system. I, in a heartbeat, want to take my children and end this madness. But the legal system and custody are not that cut and dry. All of this evidence in not admissible in court in my state, as I need permission for any recording of my spouse. Out the window that goes. At the moment I have taken both kids with me and are staying with me as I work. Mind you I travel extensively for work, and they are coming with me on all my business trips. There is no solution to this, though my children are currently safe. But this cannot go on. I care about what the family thinks, because they are in the background whispering in my wife's ear that I am an SOB for not supporting her and that I am wrong for taking the kids. That she needs the kids to "help her get sober" and I am abusive for not allowing them to stay. That only incites this woman to come after me and alienate my children. It hurts my kids. I cannot legally stop her from contacting my oldest and she is polluting my oldest's mind by telling them I am keeping her from him. And the family encourages her. That is the point of the question I am asking. Which again is: enablers are toxic and reinforcing the deluded views of my addicted spouse that there is no real problem. Is there anyway to reach them and have a rational conversation with them. If the answer is no, than so be it. But as a person who loved his spouse and wanted the children to have a mother back, it was worth asking.

Princessofhope

I totally agree that adults and children are victims of addicts- I definitely have mentally and emotionally suffered from the abuse, manipulation, lies and gas lighting. It is such a traumatic lifestyle to have that becoming a victim is inevitable. I'm guessing that the previous poster meant that the difference is adults have more options about whether to allow themselves to continue being a victim of addiction whereas children are reliant on sober adults to make that choice for them.
I'm pleased to hear that your managing to protect your children as much as possible. I don't know anything about your laws as I am in a different country, but is drink/drug testing to prove to the authorities that she's unsafe a possibility?
Unfortunately there isn't much you can do about her family and friends if they continue to be in denial about her addiction and sometimes the more you talk about it the more they deny it. Do you have a support network of family and friends to help you? I think for now, while she is still drinking/using you need to focus on repairing the damage she has done to you. In my experience, children heal and adapt a lot quicker and better when you are more recovered and mentally/emotionally healthier and stronger.

Cubs91

This hits home from me its unreal. My husband does the same thing. He turns ita all around on me. What we need to do is leave them behind and be strong. I have a 19 month old baby girl. We can do this together.