Finding the strength to leave
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Join Date: Dec 2017
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Finding the strength to leave
Hi, my husband has recently been in rehab for alcoholism and cocaine addiction but within a week of coming out he was back to both and in denial. I refuse to let him come back to our family home as I no longer want to deal with this anymore. After suffering 18 years of abuse I've finally found the strength to let go but his reaction I'm finding shocking. I hoped he'd be relieved and accept my decision but no he is even more nasty and abusive to me, threatening me, refusing to pay child support, saying he hates me and will make me suffer until I have nothing! I don't get it I thought I was doing the right thing letting him go so we can all concentrate on our own recoveries.
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Yes, you are doing the right thing - for you. Unfortunately, you're taking away his comfort zone and his house where he can do whatever he wants and have the rest of the world cleanup after him.
There is a saying around here, and I hope I get it right: "To see how far along someone is in recovery, tell them "No" to something." His ****-poor reaction tells you he is no where near a humbled, recovering addict.
My AW has threatened to leave me for years, and over and over again, and calls me every nasty name in the book - because I put up with it, and she knows I'll take care of the household while she boozes away. Now..... when she gets served the divorce complaint in a few weeks, all hell will break loose, and then she'll probably tell me there is no way she is leaving....
They don't like pushback, they don't like rules - they just want to drink. Good Luck!
There is a saying around here, and I hope I get it right: "To see how far along someone is in recovery, tell them "No" to something." His ****-poor reaction tells you he is no where near a humbled, recovering addict.
My AW has threatened to leave me for years, and over and over again, and calls me every nasty name in the book - because I put up with it, and she knows I'll take care of the household while she boozes away. Now..... when she gets served the divorce complaint in a few weeks, all hell will break loose, and then she'll probably tell me there is no way she is leaving....
They don't like pushback, they don't like rules - they just want to drink. Good Luck!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Just because you are doing the right thing does not mean he is going to like it. You will find with MANY addicts when you stop enabling them, they become angry and bitter. And of course, they will always blame anyone except themselves.
I would say you are doing the right thing. It sounds like this is a good time to focus on you, and what you need for YOU right now.
Hugs to you. You are not alone.
I would say you are doing the right thing. It sounds like this is a good time to focus on you, and what you need for YOU right now.
Hugs to you. You are not alone.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 415
Originally Posted by Allyjane 
Hi, my husband has recently been in rehab for alcoholism and cocaine addiction but within a week of coming out he was back to both and in denial. I refuse to let him come back to our family home as I no longer want to deal with this anymore. After suffering 18 years of abuse I've finally found the strength to let go but his reaction I'm finding shocking. I hoped he'd be relieved and accept my decision but no he is even more nasty and abusive to me, threatening me, refusing to pay child support, saying he hates me and will make me suffer until I have nothing! I don't get it I thought I was doing the right thing letting him go so we can all concentrate on our own recoveries.
I am finally learning this and it is a hard one to get through my head. Looking at my (recovering) AH, I “know” what he should be doing according to my co-dependent mindset. (Toungue in cheek) but he has to make the decision to embrace sobriety.
My AH has been a HUGE jerk and he quit drinking about two months ago-which from what I have learned from my research on Addiction and on this forum is not long at all.
I had enough about 5 years ago and find myself sitting at 18 years of marriage and moving toward divorce even though he has quit drinking. Cuz he is still a jerk and has no idea how to show empathy towards anyone. Still points the finger at anyone but himself and is still quite demeaning towards me - so I think that may just be the way he is and I can’t control that, nor can I live with it any longer.
Sorry such a long response but bottom line is that you cannot control his behavior, you can only control your reaction to it and your behavior and to continue to do what’s right for your children.
Hugs to you!
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
You are doing the right thing and of course he doesn't like it. He is actively using so not thinking straight. Not your problem how he feels about it, he is manipulating you. You standing up to him is not what he wants and/or is used to. But record everything that he says and save any text message, voicemail and email from now on and get a lawyer.
He demos not appear to want to focus on his recovery if he is back to drinking and using within a week. Do what you need to for YOUR recovery and don't worry about his. Just keep you and any kids safe. If he doesn't pay child support it will catch up to him. Losing his job because of addiction and therefore not being able to pay is probably a bigger concern. But that shouldn't change your mind about leaving him if that is the best thing for you (which it sounds like that's is the case)
Hang in there, don't expect him to be reasonable.
He demos not appear to want to focus on his recovery if he is back to drinking and using within a week. Do what you need to for YOUR recovery and don't worry about his. Just keep you and any kids safe. If he doesn't pay child support it will catch up to him. Losing his job because of addiction and therefore not being able to pay is probably a bigger concern. But that shouldn't change your mind about leaving him if that is the best thing for you (which it sounds like that's is the case)
Hang in there, don't expect him to be reasonable.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
I mentioned something similar in a different thread but real recovery for your husband would sounds something like " I love you, and I just want you to be happy, be it with me or without me. And anything I can do to help that happen, I will. Including leaving you alone and letting you go if that's what I need to do"
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Originally Posted by Allyjane
After suffering 18 years of abuse I've finally found the strength to let go but his reaction I'm finding shocking. I hoped he'd be relieved and accept my decision but no he is even more nasty and abusive to me, threatening me, refusing to pay child support, saying he hates me and will make me suffer until I have nothing!
Contacting your local domestic violence center could provide you w/assistance in many areas, not the least being a safe place to stay until everything is sorted out legally. They will not make you do anything you don't want to, and likely have information and resources that you would be hard-pressed to find for yourself.
Stand strong, Ally. Don't let go of your newfound courage and strength, but stay safe from this obviously angry and vengeful man. And please do contact the DV center, if for nothing more than to see what resources they can offer you.
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