FallingStars

I have been struggling with sadness and depression for some time now. I am on 4 types of antidepressants yet I still struggle. My doctor told me I have refractory depression which basically means that medication is not optimal enough for full remission. It really sux. I am in counseling as well, but still.....

All this to say that I struggle often with my resolve to not drink. I just managed a full year, but I feel the "pull" more often these days. I am not working which is presenting problems. Too much time. I have thought about doing volunteering but I can't seem to get my sh** together enough to do it. Depression is a horrid disease I would not wish on anyone. It pervades all areas of your life.

If anyone has any suggestions they would be most welcome. I am at wits end and really don't want to start the booze again.

entropy1964

Hi FS

I'm so sorry you are suffering. And for me at least struggling around the year mark is really normal too. I kept thinking 'well now what?'. Does some new miraculous 'thing' happen to me? Does my recovery change? And I learned the hard way that no, it doesn't. Drinking will not help. I get the desperate need for the way you are feeling to change....but drinking will without a doubt make things worse. I believe you know that.

Have you thought about a second, or third, opinion? That's a lot of medication to be on. And I know its so hard to suffer from a condition that requires action....and action is the last thing you feel like taking. Or at least that is how it is for me. What other lifestyle changes have you made besides quitting drinking and taking meds?

FallingStars

You are so right Frick.... doing or taking action is a real problem because at this level of depression, I feel like I am walking through jello all the time. I know that I need to 'work a plan' and make changes, but ( there is always that BUT). It is a Catch 22. My therapist wants me to 'do things' even if I don't feel up to it.

And you are right....drinking won't help, but the need to 'feel different' even if temporary is still there. Thank you........

biminiblue

When I was going through depression I went out and bought or borrowed from the library every book I could find that sounded like it might be something I could use.

My thinking was causing my depression.

Watch your thoughts. They are the rudder of your life.

Yes, that sounds simple - but it is the truth. What I think about I become. I have several pages worth of bad ish that has happened to me in the past. I refuse to let it run my life.

I found ways to forgive it and to put it behind me.

I no longer need to take medications or self-medicate with destructive habits. My past is still my past, I've just made peace with it. My future is still uncertain, I've learned to stay in this moment and do the next right thing.

trachemys

Well, you surely don't want to start adding another depressant to your depression. So, no alcohol.

If you want to feel different, go walk 5 miles.

FallingStars

I agree that 'stinking thinking' contributes to depression, however, I don't think it is the sole cause. I am glad that you were able to reframe your thinking and it worked for you. I know that depressed people also have depleted serotonin. the anti-depressants (I am taking SSRI and SNRIs ) are supposed to address this depletion. However, it doesn't always work. I am working on my thinking through my therapy. It is a process for sure. Thank you.

ScottFromWI

Even if it's only a partial cause, it's worthwhile to address it. I don't deal with depression, but I have struggled with anxiety for many years. My therapist also used to ( and still does ) tell me things that I really didn't want to hear, and asked me to do things I really didn't want to do. Over time, doing those things anyway really helped - if nothing else by teaching me that I don't know all the answers myself.

I also searched for many years for a physiological answer to my problem- some drug, supplment, food or exercise ( or anything ) that would "balance out" my brain chemistry. I tried some meds and they either didn't do anything or made it worse. Not suggesting that you should give up on the antitepressants, but it's very important IMHO to reinforce the idea that our thoughts really do have a big part in all of this. And we can change our thought process over time to improve our lives.

MindfulMan

I had “treatment resistant” depression. What finally worked medically was when I got an accurate Bipolar 2 diagnosis. Treatment with a mood stabilizer worked far better than an antidepressant alone.

Meds help, but basically got me to the point where I was able to motivate enough to make some lifestyle changes. Cognitive therapy helps with distorted negative thinking.

Exercise is difficult when in a dense depression, but try to get out in daylight and walk, even if just a little bit. It’s getting over that initial hump that’s tough so start small if you need. Like a block a day.

DarklingSong

Sorry to hear about your depression. Lots of advice above already......just wanted to send my support to you. Also, all therapies are not the same.....sometimes trying a different type of therapy can help. Its also really important that you have a good relationship with your therapist if any therapy is to work.
Best wishes.

FallingStars

Thanks to all who replied to my posting. Much appreciated.

Anna

FallingStar, I am so sorry that you are struggling with this. I had depression since my early teenage years, and it's life-altering, for sure. I am lucky in that my antidepressant works pretty well for me, but I still have to address it daily. The med gives me a chance to get through to the other side.

I think you've gotten some really good suggestions. Paying attention to your thoughts is helpful. Some supplements may help you, and even your diet might have an effect on the depression.

I know how hard it is to take action, but I encourage you to get out and do some kind of volunteer work. It made such a huge difference in my life.

PennyLane76

Hi Fallingstars. I agree with Frick about getting a second diagnosis. I also understand what you are saying about the therapist. I felt pressure to do "homework" by my therapist, it caused a lot of anxiety which would make me consider drinking. I know that by far therapists are helpful and often necessary. Just didn't fit for me.

I had given up on antidepressants for years because they didn't help IMO. I finally went to a psyche that immediately said I was bipolar 3 and the mood stabilizer really did the trick. He based this on a reaction I had to one a/d years before

JustTony

FallingStars,

I have no constructive advice as such. I suffer a little bit from depression (is that an oxymoron?) but I couldn't consider the darkness as deep and serious as the one that you describe.

What I really wanted to post is that I always enjoy reading your contributions on SoberRecovery. You're a very supportive member that posts a lot of thoughtful and helpful things. There are many reasons (for you) that I hope you don't start drinking again - but in addition to all of those obvious reasons - your loss from this community would be felt very strongly indeed.

I wish you all the powers of recovery possible.

Tony

FallingStars

It helps to know others have an idea about the difficulty of this disease. I will definitely consider what you all have posted here. Maybe I also have to wrong diagnosis... I am seeing a new shrink next week so we will see.

Thank you all again for your great support. Means a lot to me.

FallingStars

Thanks Tony...you are very kind

DontRemember

I suffer from depression and anxiety. Therapy was not for me and I felt like I was getting taken advantage of on the financial end,so I stopped going. My biggest thing is to get in the shower no longer than 30min after I wake up. If I don't do that there's a 70% chance I will not leave my house. I postponed business meetings because; "I don't feel like it today.".. Also.. I got,again...this is me..more of a break and some self thinking while cleaning my house,cars,just chores,ect..than I did at the therapist. Plus it was either needed or wanted and mostly is free..I'm cheap.

joandmelandhan

FallingStars I really do empathise. When I was a stay at home mum my depression was off the scale (and yes I self medicated with alcohol). After a couple of years I was eventually referred for CBT which really did help and I am considering it again.
One thing I remember is that as a depressed person following what I feel like doing was never going to help me. If I follow my mood I'll do nothing. We hide, we avoid, we procrastinate and it all results in endless nothing.
I was asked to rate things I did out of 10 in terms of mastery (accomplishment) and enjoyment. Both are important. For example getting a chore completed or a worrying email sent is high mastery and low enjoyment but just as important to progress. Then maybe a good movie or painting my nails may be high on the enjoyment side but low mastery. Important too.
But what he said was by journaling and understanding what helps is great but "Joanne you have to just do it". He told me to think of the Nike tick and force myself. The action of physically forcing ourselves (within reason) starts the upward cycle in our mood and eventually we do actually feel like it.
Sorry I've gone on a bit but hopefully you get what I mean.
Most importantly you know that alcohol has no place in your life any more.
Take care and maybe look into CBT?

TYG2

Fallingstars I've been diagnosed with Treatment Resistant Depression as well. After suffering from this living hell since the early 90's you probably know I've been prescribed pretty much every SSRI and SNRI out there. Plus trying different Therapists. CBT..bla, bla. It's no wonder we drank We fight for our lives everyday in ways most people will never understand. You inspire me that you have stayed sober for one year while struggling with this affliction. You are so strong and I'm so glad you're seeing a new Dr. next week. I was sick of missing out on life I researched online for a whole weekend and found a study on Stimulants for our condition. Told my Dr. got the prescription and bam! It was like night and day. I'm talking amazing. I wish you the same relief whatever your Dr suggests. HUGS!