Notices

2 years sober but still fell like an outsider

Old 01-05-2018, 12:20 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Akc
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 28
2 years sober but still fell like an outsider

I got through December check! Did I want to drink.. truthfully no! 😊 what what I did feel was intense loneliness.. my husband still drinks, his social life hasn’t changed.. mine is non existent. I have friends who I make all the effort with because no one can seem to have fun without the booze.. so I tag along to meals out and bars but it’s not the same once everyone drinks and I just want to go home but then I’m alone again. Does anyone else have this? I thought me not drinking would make for a closer truer marriage but all I feel is a void. I speak to my husband but he doesn’t have a lot of empathy, I I try to get him to do things with me like walk our dog along the beach then get some chips etc.. but he’s rather play golf and finish off in the club house. He says I focus on him too much to solve my isolation.. forgive me but I thought that’s what couples did?? So I look to friends those I had left after my alcoholism killed off most.. I have 3 people I can txt and meet with .. but they all drink and I hear about nights out they have had through Facebook.. god I’m fed up! Rehab told me life would be beautiful once sober, it’s been like a smack in the face with a spade, I’m loney, I’m left out, I’m feel like I’m an outsider.. I don’t know what to do to change.. also please don’t hate but I really can’t stand AA it’s brings out my anxiety. Anyone here in same boat or experiencing similar emotions?
Akc is offline  
Old 01-05-2018, 01:14 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
ours de petit cerveau
 
andyh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: London, UK
Posts: 1,630
Welcome to SR Akc & well done on two years, that's fantastic!

I can't really help with your husband - you might want to post in the Friends & Family section for some advice on that?

I know what you mean about rehabs talking up how our lives are going to be when we get out. I know it's meant to be encouraging, but I think being a bit more realistic might be more helpful. If we've got ourselves into the state of having to go to rehab, then our lives probably haven't been going too well & we likely don't have lots of healthy interests & friends. Expecting our drinking friends to change just because we've changed probably isn't going to be too successful either.

It's not a quick fix, but have you considered doing something that will allow you to meet new people in a non-drinking environment? I got out of rehab back in the summer & I've got back into some interests that I had before the drinking took over & re-kindled some friendships there.

I've also started some volunteering & met some new people that way. I have social anxiety so I struggle with new people, but I've put myself out there & generally been pleasantly surprised at the response. The alternative was just to stay "stuck" where I was, which wasn't a lot of fun. I know what you mean about loneliness - I have very few people I can reach out to in a meaningful way - but I'm building new friendships & that goes some way to alleviating that.
andyh is offline  
Old 01-06-2018, 08:18 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
I know nothing
 
caprimonk279's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Western NY
Posts: 8
Thank you for this post Akc, I do feel the same or similar... my one year date was Dec 26th, I did want to drink tho. The holidays stress me out. I don't want to go to family get-togethers and watch everyone drink...or go out to dinner and watch everyone order booze while I get water. I feel like an outsider and don't want to be there. I just want to go home.
My SO still drinks daily. Her brother came over for christmas and they drank red wine until their lips and teeth were black. I thought well I guess I know what I looked like now... After her family left she poured herself another glass of wine and promptly passed out. Nighty-night!
It seems like the whole world revolves around booze, when we go on vacation it's all booze. My twitter feed is all booze ads... maybe it is just my obsession with drink...
I too have anxiety about meetings and am doing it on my own... I guess I will have to try what andyh said and put myself out there and do something meaningful, volunteering...thank you andy for your reply.
Please let me know how you make out Akc, I would like to know how you deal with this
caprimonk279 is offline  
Old 01-06-2018, 09:44 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Hears The Voice
 
Nonsensical's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
I never wanted to do much when I was drinking because it interfered with sitting on my couch and drinking. Then I got sober and decided to follow Mrs. Non's lead - which got me to a bunch of beery beach concerts, wine tastings, and happy hour meetups. It suits her, but not my idea of fun.

I talked to her about it, but doggone if she could come up with entertaining things for me to do without drinking. That's when I realized I needed to get into gear and diversify my social life.

There's a website called meetup(dot)com that has been really awesome for me. I put in my interests and it finds me activities happening in my area related to my interests. (There's even a beach dog walkers group!)

I also started volunteering at a few places in town. I meet lots of interesting people doing that.

Also started going to many of the local arts events in my area. Plays, concerts, ballet. That's something Mrs. Nons and I can do together that we both enjoy.

It took me a fair amount of effort, but I have (and continue to build) a diverse social life without alcohol.

Congrats on 2 years sober.
Nonsensical is offline  
Old 01-06-2018, 09:48 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: yorkshire UK
Posts: 879
I understand how you feel. I am sorry you feel this way. Your husband could be more understanding. I know mine wasn't, he just wanted me to drink again. A to stop him looking like the alcoholic he is and B to make me more passive and easier to control.

I have stopped drinking a number of times before this time and I have always lost some friends; who in reality were drinking partners. But I have kept a core group but they mainly drink. I too get anxious at AA meetings but I am very keen to have some none drinking mates.

I am sorry you feel this way, I hope things get better. Thanks for posting.
julietUK is offline  
Old 01-06-2018, 01:52 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Maudcat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Akc.
Welcome and congratulations on two years!
That is seriously great.
I know that it seems like everything revolves around booze, but, honestly, it doesn’t.
In fact, many people don’t drink or drink very little.
My husband and I moved around a lot for his job when we were younger.
I found the best way to get to meet people on my own, not with him, was to volunteer somewhere doing something I liked.
I have been a docent at a city zoo.
That was fun!
I have volunteered at a wildlife rescue center.
Yucky at times, but also fun.
Currently I volunteer at an environmental stewardship organization.
I have met some wonderful, like minded people there.
I don’t know where you live.
Assume from some of your references in your post that it’s England somewhere?
Are there walking or ramble clubs you could join with your dog?
Exercise and chatting combined.
Or birding walks?
I also go to yoga practice twice a week, and I have met some very nice women there.
Yoga tends to attract more women than men, though both of my instructors are male.
Also, about volunteering? It feels good to give something back.
Doesn’t sound like your husband and friends are going to be much help here, so I think that you have to be the change you want to see, yes?
Good luck. Keep posting and let us know how it goes.
You are most definitely among friends here.
Maudcat is offline  
Old 01-06-2018, 02:10 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,330
Hi, Congratulations on your recovery!

I'm sorry you're feeling lonely. I think a lot of us have to make major lifestyle changes in order to support our recovery.

Volunteer work saved me, and I can't recommend it enough. I really needed to get outside of my head and I met so many wonderful people and alcohol was not involved at all.
Anna is offline  
Old 01-06-2018, 02:37 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
tomsteve's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
something i learned was happiness while doing things wasnt contigent on having other people involved nor was it contigent on what other people did.
recovery taught me how to be comfortable being by myself. i can do anything by myself and am never alone.
tomsteve is offline  
Old 01-06-2018, 05:17 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
bona fido dog-lover
 
least's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,673
Make a gratitude list. Make a list each day of what you're thankful for. It emphasizes the positives and diminishes the negatives. We even have a Gratitude forum.
least is offline  
Old 01-07-2018, 12:54 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
 
Gottalife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Sounds like there is a big hole in your life that alcohol used to fill. Now the booze is gone, and attempts to fill the hole through other people are not working, there is just this hole. This was my experience too. You are not alone. In a way you a suffering the spiritual consequences of alcoholism.

Aa might not be the answer either. It wasn’t for me for a while. There was a time I went to some meetings, hoping to absorb something throug my seat, without actually having to do anything, and fear and loneliness were my companions through this. I mean I had got the message that there was some work involved in achieving a worthwhile permanent recovery, but I wasn’t prepared to do it, so I felt on the one hand kinda guilty, and on the other, that I didn’t really have much in common with the folks who were actively recovering. They were having experiences that I wasn’t.

I caught onto the fact that filling the hole was the most important thing. I have heard it called a God sized hole. I needed to get connected to some Power so I could handle life, and I saw the 12 steps as a means of doing that. It worked.

I have plenty of power today. I have the power to have friends, make good decisions, I have the power to get through life’s low spots, I have the power to be unaffected when people let me down, I have the power to have a job, to socialise, to have an enjoyable and satisfying life. I am sure I left a few things out, but life is generally good and if it’s not, I have the power to make changes.
Gottalife is offline  
Old 01-08-2018, 04:59 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Akc
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by andyh View Post
Welcome to SR Akc & well done on two years, that's fantastic!

I can't really help with your husband - you might want to post in the Friends & Family section for some advice on that?

I know what you mean about rehabs talking up how our lives are going to be when we get out. I know it's meant to be encouraging, but I think being a bit more realistic might be more helpful. If we've got ourselves into the state of having to go to rehab, then our lives probably haven't been going too well & we likely don't have lots of healthy interests & friends. Expecting our drinking friends to change just because we've changed probably isn't going to be too successful either.

It's not a quick fix, but have you considered doing something that will allow you to meet new people in a non-drinking environment? I got out of rehab back in the summer & I've got back into some interests that I had before the drinking took over & re-kindled some friendships there.

I've also started some volunteering & met some new people that way. I have social anxiety so I struggle with new people, but I've put myself out there & generally been pleasantly surprised at the response. The alternative was just to stay "stuck" where I was, which wasn't a lot of fun. I know what you mean about loneliness - I have very few people I can reach out to in a meaningful way - but I'm building new friendships & that goes some way to alleviating that.
Sorry for delayed reply thank you for the advice, I have huge social anxiety but I guess it’s about pushing through that and just going for it! What do we have to lose? I’m happy to hear that u are doing well keep going just getting a response on here has made me feel less alone
Akc is offline  
Old 01-08-2018, 05:09 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Akc
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by caprimonk279 View Post
Thank you for this post Akc, I do feel the same or similar... my one year date was Dec 26th, I did want to drink tho. The holidays stress me out. I don't want to go to family get-togethers and watch everyone drink...or go out to dinner and watch everyone order booze while I get water. I feel like an outsider and don't want to be there. I just want to go home.
My SO still drinks daily. Her brother came over for christmas and they drank red wine until their lips and teeth were black. I thought well I guess I know what I looked like now... After her family left she poured herself another glass of wine and promptly passed out. Nighty-night!
It seems like the whole world revolves around booze, when we go on vacation it's all booze. My twitter feed is all booze ads... maybe it is just my obsession with drink...
I too have anxiety about meetings and am doing it on my own... I guess I will have to try what andyh said and put myself out there and do something meaningful, volunteering...thank you andy for your reply.
Please let me know how you make out Akc, I would like to know how you deal with this
Wow u are my mirror image in life... all I can say is firstly thank you so much for responding to me, reading this helps as I can’t tell you how much I relate, I thought the same as you that I was over sensitive maybe to adverts about alcohol? Instagram pics of people posting not a photo of themselves but a drink/cocktail but actually I think we are right! People can’t socially have fun or interact without booze! Before drink became a huge problem I was one of those people so I know! I just feel gutted that just sometimes people who I love can’t be on the same page as me and show a bit of solidarity.. now I’m going to sound bitter but what the hell! My drinking nearly killed me and I lost friends and the battle to get sober was so very very hard it’s still very vivid in my memory but seems to be very quickly forgettable for everyone else when it come to them drinking? So I sit back and spectate .. I have turned my life around and i can’t go back ever! I just wish more people were on board with me for this new journey
Akc is offline  
Old 01-08-2018, 05:19 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Akc
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by Nonsensical View Post
I never wanted to do much when I was drinking because it interfered with sitting on my couch and drinking. Then I got sober and decided to follow Mrs. Non's lead - which got me to a bunch of beery beach concerts, wine tastings, and happy hour meetups. It suits her, but not my idea of fun.

I talked to her about it, but doggone if she could come up with entertaining things for me to do without drinking. That's when I realized I needed to get into gear and diversify my social life.

There's a website called meetup(dot)com that has been really awesome for me. I put in my interests and it finds me activities happening in my area related to my interests. (There's even a beach dog walkers group!)

I also started volunteering at a few places in town. I meet lots of interesting people doing that.

Also started going to many of the local arts events in my area. Plays, concerts, ballet. That's something Mrs. Nons and I can do together that we both enjoy.

It took me a fair amount of effort, but I have (and continue to build) a diverse social life without alcohol.

Congrats on 2 years sober.
This is music to my ears.. firstly I will look at that website! Excellent! I think I need to just get brave and get out there , I hear you about the drinking on the couch! U will be pleased to hear I went to a local yoga class I did it at home all this time but once again very solitary, when I turned up it was a class for oap’s 🤭 but what the hell im going next week aswell .. it’s a start! Thankyou for the reply I really appreciate u reaching out
Akc is offline  
Old 01-08-2018, 05:25 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Akc
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by andyh View Post
Welcome to SR Akc & well done on two years, that's fantastic!

I can't really help with your husband - you might want to post in the Friends & Family section for some advice on that?

I know what you mean about rehabs talking up how our lives are going to be when we get out. I know it's meant to be encouraging, but I think being a bit more realistic might be more helpful. If we've got ourselves into the state of having to go to rehab, then our lives probably haven't been going too well & we likely don't have lots of healthy interests & friends. Expecting our drinking friends to change just because we've changed probably isn't going to be too successful either.

It's not a quick fix, but have you considered doing something that will allow you to meet new people in a non-drinking environment? I got out of rehab back in the summer & I've got back into some interests that I had before the drinking took over & re-kindled some friendships there.

I've also started some volunteering & met some new people that way. I have social anxiety so I struggle with new people, but I've put myself out there & generally been pleasantly surprised at the response. The alternative was just to stay "stuck" where I was, which wasn't a lot of fun. I know what you mean about loneliness - I have very few people I can reach out to in a meaningful way - but I'm building new friendships & that goes some way to alleviating that.
Fantastic advice thank you! I realise a lot of my friends well most were just drinking buddy’s, and u are right I shouldn’t expect them to accommodate just because I don’t drink. I started my love of art again it’s been years since I sketched .. it’s then lead on to me on starting a little business of upcycled furniture with hand painted designs which I then sell on! I love but once again thinking about it it’s just me in my garage with music on and a paint brush! So I’ve made huge changes but I haven’t actually made connections and I think I haven’t really tried as I’m a bit socially awkward so that’s my next challenge
Akc is offline  
Old 01-08-2018, 09:57 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Akc
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by andyh View Post
Welcome to SR Akc & well done on two years, that's fantastic!

I can't really help with your husband - you might want to post in the Friends & Family section for some advice on that?

I know what you mean about rehabs talking up how our lives are going to be when we get out. I know it's meant to be encouraging, but I think being a bit more realistic might be more helpful. If we've got ourselves into the state of having to go to rehab, then our lives probably haven't been going too well & we likely don't have lots of healthy interests & friends. Expecting our drinking friends to change just because we've changed probably isn't going to be too successful either.

It's not a quick fix, but have you considered doing something that will allow you to meet new people in a non-drinking environment? I got out of rehab back in the summer & I've got back into some interests that I had before the drinking took over & re-kindled some friendships there.

I've also started some volunteering & met some new people that way. I have social anxiety so I struggle with new people, but I've put myself out there & generally been pleasantly surprised at the response. The alternative was just to stay "stuck" where I was, which wasn't a lot of fun. I know what you mean about loneliness - I have very few people I can reach out to in a meaningful way - but I'm building new friendships & that goes some way to alleviating that.
Andy nice to meet you, well done on volunteer work! To have social anxiety and do that is brave , I decided to join a yoga class yesterday thought it would be good to meet like minded people maybe? The whole mindfulness and self care scene .. it turned out it was for oap’s but what the heck I enjoyed it and will go back but it’s a start but not what I had envisioned
Akc is offline  
Old 01-08-2018, 10:09 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Akc
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by Maudcat View Post
Hi, Akc.
Welcome and congratulations on two years!
That is seriously great.
I know that it seems like everything revolves around booze, but, honestly, it doesn’t.
In fact, many people don’t drink or drink very little.
My husband and I moved around a lot for his job when we were younger.
I found the best way to get to meet people on my own, not with him, was to volunteer somewhere doing something I liked.
I have been a docent at a city zoo.
That was fun!
I have volunteered at a wildlife rescue center.
Yucky at times, but also fun.
Currently I volunteer at an environmental stewardship organization.
I have met some wonderful, like minded people there.
I don’t know where you live.
Assume from some of your references in your post that it’s England somewhere?
Are there walking or ramble clubs you could join with your dog?
Exercise and chatting combined.
Or birding walks?
I also go to yoga practice twice a week, and I have met some very nice women there.
Yoga tends to attract more women than men, though both of my instructors are male.
Also, about volunteering? It feels good to give something back.
Doesn’t sound like your husband and friends are going to be much help here, so I think that you have to be the change you want to see, yes?
Good luck. Keep posting and let us know how it goes.
You are most definitely among friends here.
Hi! U are very right I have been focusing on people who I thought would bend to accommodate my new lifestyle, I realise I have to carve a new life of my own, I can’t tell you how appreciative I am for everyone like yourself for taking time to message me with advice, I do live in the uk and a HUGE thing for me now sober is that I’m embracing who I really am I tried to fit in with others , that’s my low self esteem! And party with the yummy mummies, I’m socially inept at being cool! .. it was all such hard work ! But last year I hiked 20 miles in the Peak District, I coaxed a friend with me who dropped out and I went anyway and hiked with strangers but I connected with them as we just talked and walked but 2 were from Canada and I lived in Scotland. But it’s something I want to do more of, join a local walking group, I just find no one my age does this thing??? I don’t know why? I’m 42 not young btw! You have a great out look on life very similar to me , great to hear from you!
Akc is offline  
Old 01-08-2018, 10:16 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Townhouse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 11
I have to ask -what is oap’s? At your yoga class? I enjoyed reading your thread. I went to AA long time ago and I was in a constant state of anxiety. I have quit drinking again and I plan to walk this road with prayer, yoga, and love the suggestion and will follow through to get into some volunteer work. I understand your loneliness. My husband probably felt the same way, he quit a couple years ago. After he quit I got worse, probably because I wasn’t constantly trying to control his drinking. Anyway, hope all is going well for you!
Townhouse is offline  
Old 01-08-2018, 11:44 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Guest
 
ReadyAtLast's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Well done on getting out and going to yoga. I used to go to a class in day time and that was also mainly with older retired people but I loved it. 😀

Town house oaps a British term for over 65s 😀old age pensioners.

Congrats on 2 years sober.
ReadyAtLast is offline  
Old 01-09-2018, 03:56 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
ours de petit cerveau
 
andyh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: London, UK
Posts: 1,630
Originally Posted by Akc View Post
Andy nice to meet you, well done on volunteer work! To have social anxiety and do that is brave , I decided to join a yoga class yesterday thought it would be good to meet like minded people maybe? The whole mindfulness and self care scene .. it turned out it was for oap’s but what the heck I enjoyed it and will go back but it’s a start but not what I had envisioned
I think OAP yoga might be at a level I could manage

if you're interested in Mindfulness, a few of use are doing an online course which you'd be very welcome to join:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-week-one.html (A Mindful New Year - Week One)
andyh is offline  
Old 01-09-2018, 12:23 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Akc
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by Townhouse View Post
I have to ask -what is oap’s? At your yoga class? I enjoyed reading your thread. I went to AA long time ago and I was in a constant state of anxiety. I have quit drinking again and I plan to walk this road with prayer, yoga, and love the suggestion and will follow through to get into some volunteer work. I understand your loneliness. My husband probably felt the same way, he quit a couple years ago. After he quit I got worse, probably because I wasn’t constantly trying to control his drinking. Anyway, hope all is going well for you!
Oap.. old age pensioners.. but it was a lovey class x hope you are well and thanks for response it’s great meeting people on here
Akc is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:22 AM.