So is this manipulation?

Old 10-31-2004, 03:44 PM
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So is this manipulation?

My AH tells me that he wants to get sober. He went to rehab and has followed up by attending AA 5 nights a week. He has a sponsor who he meets with on a regular basis. He also attends a weekly after-care session with a psychologist. Even with all this, he continues to drink at the slightist emotional discomfort. I want to believe he is sincere and just struggling but I have to wonder if this is just further manipulation since I've told him that I will stick around as long as he is working on recovery. What do you think?
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Old 10-31-2004, 04:16 PM
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I think that boundaries are our immunity shot for manipulation. They can still do it - it just doesn't make us sick any more.

If your boundary is that you will stick around as long as he is in recovery, your boundary doesn't seem to have been crossed. If you want to set a different boundary, you can certainly do that when you're ready.
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Old 10-31-2004, 04:46 PM
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The thing is, your boundary is about what is acceptable to you, not what he does. You can decide you will stick around as long as he is working on recovery, and then you can decide if you think he is doing that. It shouldn't be about telling him what he has to do. The boundary, consequences or acceptance of other behaviour is all up to you.

He's doing what he is doing. You can decide if that works for you or not. He can't manipulate your boundary, if it's about what you will or will not tolerate.

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Old 10-31-2004, 05:17 PM
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You're both right. I had lost sight of my true desire in setting the boundary. I find that my AH plays so many games that seem to mess with my mind. But I forgot -- I don't have to play them. Thanks for helping me get back on track.
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Old 10-31-2004, 05:19 PM
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I know what I know, because I've been there, and it takes a lot of practice and even then we're never perfect. You're doing fine, just trust that.

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