I am off wagon
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 74
I am off wagon
I fell off, I know whats going to happen tomorrow, cringing in the darkness, afraid to go to my own kitchen.
The longest I have been sober, and I mean sober, not just since my last drink, is 6 weeks back in 2005.
This is in about 24 years.
Last year towards the holidays, I managed a couple of almost 2 weeks.
In August September I went 3 weeks.
I was on clonazepam for anxiety because it runs in my family my sister who doesn't drink has been on it for 10 years.
But I don't like Benzo's they are worse than alcohol so I stopped taking it only took it for a few months.
I seem to have a dual diagnosis maybe multiple but find it hard to get decent medical care.
I am going to a meeting on Sunday Beginners discussion I will try this because other AA meetings are not for beginners, although welcoming and supportive.
Im going to keep trying I know what I want, its no longer about what I need its what I want.
The longest I have been sober, and I mean sober, not just since my last drink, is 6 weeks back in 2005.
This is in about 24 years.
Last year towards the holidays, I managed a couple of almost 2 weeks.
In August September I went 3 weeks.
I was on clonazepam for anxiety because it runs in my family my sister who doesn't drink has been on it for 10 years.
But I don't like Benzo's they are worse than alcohol so I stopped taking it only took it for a few months.
I seem to have a dual diagnosis maybe multiple but find it hard to get decent medical care.
I am going to a meeting on Sunday Beginners discussion I will try this because other AA meetings are not for beginners, although welcoming and supportive.
Im going to keep trying I know what I want, its no longer about what I need its what I want.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,352
HI Cappy
I think it's really important to accept, no matter what other issues or problems we might have alcohol just doesn't do a great job in dealing with those things.
Alcohol actually made my anxiety my depression and my feelings of paranoia worse once the euphoria wore off.. but I was hooked on that euphoria.
I drank for 20 years and everyday all day for 5 years. My record was two mon ths, my usual spell was 3 days.
It was hard but I committed myself to finding out what dealing with m,y problems without alcohol would be like. I'm glad I did - I think you will be too
If you have other issues that need addressing you can add those into a recovery action plan maybe?
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-plan.html (What exactly is a recovery plan?)
D
I think it's really important to accept, no matter what other issues or problems we might have alcohol just doesn't do a great job in dealing with those things.
Alcohol actually made my anxiety my depression and my feelings of paranoia worse once the euphoria wore off.. but I was hooked on that euphoria.
I drank for 20 years and everyday all day for 5 years. My record was two mon ths, my usual spell was 3 days.
It was hard but I committed myself to finding out what dealing with m,y problems without alcohol would be like. I'm glad I did - I think you will be too
If you have other issues that need addressing you can add those into a recovery action plan maybe?
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-plan.html (What exactly is a recovery plan?)
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,637
Hi Cappy. Your words resonate. I drank for many, many years and stopping was the second most difficult thing for me to challenge. As to meetings- there are alway going to be people who annoy me at meetings. But I still go (and SMART) because the daily support of SR, health prof's anf meetings are necessary so I so not relapse..because next time, quite clinically stated- I qill succeed next time and will stay dead.
There is no magical formula for recovery. I remember the HALTS bit (if you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired/Thirsty, Sad/stressed) often hourly- if hungry-eat..etc. I do not aspire to make meetings my life- but balance is important. The meetings bit- just say you will share by listening. I think I get more out of these meetings- b4 and after. Journal writing and doing art stuff also helps.
I have enough diagnosis to fill a shopping trolley. Each difficulty in my life needs to be addressed separate yo each other- not just a huge, scary mess.
There is no magical formula for recovery. I remember the HALTS bit (if you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired/Thirsty, Sad/stressed) often hourly- if hungry-eat..etc. I do not aspire to make meetings my life- but balance is important. The meetings bit- just say you will share by listening. I think I get more out of these meetings- b4 and after. Journal writing and doing art stuff also helps.
I have enough diagnosis to fill a shopping trolley. Each difficulty in my life needs to be addressed separate yo each other- not just a huge, scary mess.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by Dee74 
HI Cappy
I think it's really important to accept, no matter what other issues or problems we might have alcohol just doesn't do a great job in dealing with those things.
Alcohol actually made my anxiety my depression and my feelings of paranoia worse once the euphoria wore off.. but I was hooked on that euphoria.
I drank for 20 years and everyday all day for 5 years. My record was two mon ths, my usual spell was 3 days.
It was hard but I committed myself to finding out what dealing with my problems without alcohol would be like. I'm glad I did - I think you will be too
If you have other issues that need addressing you can add those into a recovery action plan maybe?
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-plan.html (What exactly is a recovery plan?)
D
I think it's really important to accept, no matter what other issues or problems we might have alcohol just doesn't do a great job in dealing with those things.
Alcohol actually made my anxiety my depression and my feelings of paranoia worse once the euphoria wore off.. but I was hooked on that euphoria.
I drank for 20 years and everyday all day for 5 years. My record was two mon ths, my usual spell was 3 days.
It was hard but I committed myself to finding out what dealing with my problems without alcohol would be like. I'm glad I did - I think you will be too
If you have other issues that need addressing you can add those into a recovery action plan maybe?
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-plan.html (What exactly is a recovery plan?)
D
Its just hard when you have burned every bridge you ever built, and when you are sober walk around scared of stupid **** which im a big scary guy yet just freak out at the littlest things.
I have so many resentments, I doubt I will be able to make a mends to many of them.
And I know that is what will help me, so its hard.
I resent the world itself, that is a hard one to crack.
But I am going to keep trying because one day just once if I can I may help another person when they need it and that would make me happy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by PhoenixJ
Hi Cappy. Your words resonate. I drank for many, many years and stopping was the second most difficult thing for me to challenge. As to meetings- there are alway going to be people who annoy me at meetings. But I still go (and SMART) because the daily support of SR, health prof's anf meetings are necessary so I so not relapse..because next time, quite clinically stated- I qill succeed next time and will stay dead.
There is no magical formula for recovery. I remember the HALTS bit (if you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired/Thirsty, Sad/stressed) often hourly- if hungry-eat..etc. I do not aspire to make meetings my life- but balance is important. The meetings bit- just say you will share by listening. I think I get more out of these meetings- b4 and after. Journal writing and doing art stuff also helps.
I have enough diagnosis to fill a shopping trolley. Each difficulty in my life needs to be addressed separate yo each other- not just a huge, scary mess.
There is no magical formula for recovery. I remember the HALTS bit (if you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired/Thirsty, Sad/stressed) often hourly- if hungry-eat..etc. I do not aspire to make meetings my life- but balance is important. The meetings bit- just say you will share by listening. I think I get more out of these meetings- b4 and after. Journal writing and doing art stuff also helps.
I have enough diagnosis to fill a shopping trolley. Each difficulty in my life needs to be addressed separate yo each other- not just a huge, scary mess.
I don't mind being alone sober, its just the world annoys me, I can function in it, its like I choose not to like a food you don't like eating?
Does that make any sense? I don't want to control the show, no way, I just want to sit back and watch it, yet I don't like what I see.
I feel the need to help others, but most people seem like they not only don't want help, they would try to destroy you if you tried to help them. Selfish self preservation I guess. I have to get out of my comfort zone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Derbyshire Dales, UK.
Posts: 2,618
Hi I remember those feelings of being scared, terrified of my own shadow - you're safe right now, on SR and amongst people who care.
Deep breaths and remember, you are still ahead of those who aren't trying
I hope you find peace soon x
I remember those feelings of being scared, terrified of my own shadow - you're safe right now, on SR and amongst people who care.Deep breaths and remember, you are still ahead of those who aren't trying
I hope you find peace soon x
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 74
It seems that where you start off in life, determines a lot of where you end up. Now im not saying everyone who starts off somewhere bad ends up somewhere bad et al. Im just saying statistically it seems to be this way.
And there is a way around it im sure because you have people who start off in this world, in bad places, who end up in good ones. And people who start off in good places who end up in bad ones.
And there is a way around it im sure because you have people who start off in this world, in bad places, who end up in good ones. And people who start off in good places who end up in bad ones.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 74
I quit coffee too, I used to have 2-3 thick strong mud coffees per day. Now I just have 1-3 1 teabag weak tea. It definitely helped the anxiety I have been drinking way less. But damn I would love a nice mud cup right now lol
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 131
I played down the self medicating concept for decades! In my mind yeah sure I’ve got anxiety and there is a big history of anxiety AND depression in my family, sure my father warned me that I would have depressive episodes lasting days to months as all makes us in the bloodline, sure the docs gave me medication that I stopped BUT if I could only stop drinking everything would be fine!! It never dawned on ke till later years that I am not the person that I think I am and that alcohol is literally my medicine and what a Medicine I could go out, I could stay in, I could feel emotion, I could say what I felt, I could be the person I wanted to be! Ok it but me on the butt big time but you get my point
Oh yeah I was even told, not by docs or psychologist/counsellor if I stopped drinking all would be well!! What I would say is stopping drinking will give you the opportunity to tackle the issues you are self medicating and I would not delay in seeking professional help on those because I could only hear to be without alcohol fir a matter of weeks maybe every couple of years. My head popped up above the water and that was my opportunity to go for it but I thought that if I changed my diet, exercised, isolated it would be enough but it never was!
Oh yeah I was even told, not by docs or psychologist/counsellor if I stopped drinking all would be well!! What I would say is stopping drinking will give you the opportunity to tackle the issues you are self medicating and I would not delay in seeking professional help on those because I could only hear to be without alcohol fir a matter of weeks maybe every couple of years. My head popped up above the water and that was my opportunity to go for it but I thought that if I changed my diet, exercised, isolated it would be enough but it never was!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
cappy, id strongly encourage ya to go to them other meetings. they may not be beginner meetings, but theres still support there for ya. you could get some phone numbers from other members( they really help and are lighter then a bottle) and a copy of the big book to take a read through and learn what the program is about,too.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Cappy76
Once I couldn't cry for so long I had to watch a sad movie to actually cry. Now I cry all the time, maybe to much.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by tomsteve
cappy, id strongly encourage ya to go to them other meetings. they may not be beginner meetings, but theres still support there for ya. you could get some phone numbers from other members( they really help and are lighter then a bottle) and a copy of the big book to take a read through and learn what the program is about,too.
I walked in on closed meetings once, they were welcoming, but made me understand the types of meetings. AA is not just about meetings you would know this right? Its in the BB. Certain meetings are for groups of long time sober AA's and don't expect a drunk to come falling in to it. Others are especially for newbies to start taking the steps with them. Not all meetings are the same and on the website it states STEPS. That is for newbies.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 74
I don't know if AA meetings here are going to help me, but the BB surely has.
Figure that out for yourself. The BB was written for people who couldn't go to meetings, people in jail, in asylums. I guess I am in one of them now.
Figure that out for yourself. The BB was written for people who couldn't go to meetings, people in jail, in asylums. I guess I am in one of them now.
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
Whatever works for you Cappy.
And "what works" means whatever you do that keeps you from drinking.
I think meetings are huge if AA is your flavor of recovery. Sharing and listening and identifying with others that have the same problems was really important to me in my first few months. If you like the Big Book, try a Big Book study group.
Going to meetings is a way of dealing with the "L" factor as well.
The only requirement to attend ANY AA meeting is a desire to stop drinking. There is no "this meeting is only for oldtimers." I never went to a "beginner" meeting, I never felt the need. The only restrictions I've seen are women-only and men's stag groups.
I also think if you're concerned about a dual-diagnosis with mental health issues you should be seeing a doctor to work up a treatment plan for that. It's far better to address a mental health issue as well as a substance issue, and you can't really deal with a mental health issue when actively using addictively.
Whatever your path, you can't do this alone. Nobody can.
And "what works" means whatever you do that keeps you from drinking.
I think meetings are huge if AA is your flavor of recovery. Sharing and listening and identifying with others that have the same problems was really important to me in my first few months. If you like the Big Book, try a Big Book study group.
Going to meetings is a way of dealing with the "L" factor as well.
The only requirement to attend ANY AA meeting is a desire to stop drinking. There is no "this meeting is only for oldtimers." I never went to a "beginner" meeting, I never felt the need. The only restrictions I've seen are women-only and men's stag groups.
I also think if you're concerned about a dual-diagnosis with mental health issues you should be seeing a doctor to work up a treatment plan for that. It's far better to address a mental health issue as well as a substance issue, and you can't really deal with a mental health issue when actively using addictively.
Whatever your path, you can't do this alone. Nobody can.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Cappy76
There is not support there man, there simply is not.
.
.
I will try this because other AA meetings are not for beginners,
although welcoming and supportive.
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
Originally Posted by Cappy76
Thanks man I know about HALT, Hungry I can fix, Angry I can fix, Tired I can sleep, Lonely is the last bastion of hope for me.
I don't mind being alone sober, its just the world annoys me, I can function in it, its like I choose not to like a food you don't like eating?
Does that make any sense? I don't want to control the show, no way, I just want to sit back and watch it, yet I don't like what I see.
I feel the need to help others, but most people seem like they not only don't want help, they would try to destroy you if you tried to help them. Selfish self preservation I guess. I have to get out of my comfort zone.
I don't mind being alone sober, its just the world annoys me, I can function in it, its like I choose not to like a food you don't like eating?
Does that make any sense? I don't want to control the show, no way, I just want to sit back and watch it, yet I don't like what I see.
I feel the need to help others, but most people seem like they not only don't want help, they would try to destroy you if you tried to help them. Selfish self preservation I guess. I have to get out of my comfort zone.
I didn't know how to NOT try to control the show, and still don't like a lot of what I see, but through the 12 Steps and then later through further spiritual searching, I'm learning to let go, to let the things I have no control over be how they are, and to sit back more and watch without judgement. It makes for a much more peaceful life. When I'm moved to actually act on something, I do, but I now wait for that "still small voice" that prompts me. When I don't practice these things, I become frustrated and unhappy again.
As for helping others, AA also is great for that. Helping can begin with things as simple and basic as sitting in a meeting listening to others share their experience, strength and hope, or helping set up before or clean up afterwards.
None of this happened overnight for me and it's still ongoing. I did have a big relapse along the way when I stopped practicing these things, but I can tell you that my life became so much better than I ever could have imagined when I first stopped drinking.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,637
I have to remember that Rome was not built in a day- but it burnt down in one. Meaning- life did/does not get happy and good just be-c I stopped drinking. Staying sober gives me a level playing field to sort out the mess I created while drinking AND to sort out who I am NOW. So a plan - what to do, who I see, things get involved in. It takes patience and time- a lot of both. I also think for me- helping myself is important and not becoming a zealot in helping others (except by talking, walking and coffee).
I never did get a pink cloud- no honey moon, the opposite in fact. So SR is good- as it is a 24/7 place. Hang in there.
I never did get a pink cloud- no honey moon, the opposite in fact. So SR is good- as it is a 24/7 place. Hang in there.
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,183
Hi Cappy, my two cents - in early recovery I craved a lot of sweet, sugar laden food. Set against that I don't think coffee is too bad so I think you should indulge yourself but maybe limit them to the mornings so they don't disturb your sleep. If it lifts your mood that will help in quitting the booze which is the most important thing.
Good luck.
Good luck.
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