Moving in with a mother substitute
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 1
Moving in with a mother substitute
Hi I am new here. Hopefully my post won't generate any anger towards me. I figured this group might understand the way that I am thinking, as messed up as I know it is. Warning:this is long but I wanted to explain the whole thing.
I was raised by a divorced mother. She was (and still is) a functioning alcoholic with a career and social life. She was strict and domineering. She expected me to behave perfectly at all times (which was ironic considering she was anything but a perfect role model herself).
Of course after a few drinks she would get all the more strict. I remember even the sound of hearing her pour her first drink of the night would put butterflies in my stomach "I better be good" I would tell myself. Some nights she would just drink, chain smoke and pretty much ignore me but other nights she would find things to be angry at me about. She was big into lecturing me and it would become so intense and filled with stinging verbal abuse that I would be driven to tears.
Like I said she had a social life. She had a group of girlfriends that would come over and drink with her a couple of times a week or so. Unfortunately she would call me over to the table and yell/lecture me in front of her friends which was totally humiliating. It seemed like she wa showing off if that makes sense. Painful memories. Then she would send me to bed and I would hear her downstairs talking and laughing with her friends...ms. life of the party with a totally different personality than I ever saw and it seemed SO fake to me.
I made the mistake of living with her through college and beyond...well into my late 20s. She treated me like a little kid the whole time, placing all kinds of curfews and restrictions on me . "If you live under my roof it's my rules". was a big thing with her. I told myself I need to get out of here and a few years ago I finally did it. I was so proud of myself.
So I finally had my freedom and peace...no one yelling at me or bossing me around at home...it was just me. To my total surprise after a few weeks I actually missed living at home. It felt too peaceful and quiet by myself. Yet I did have the strength not to move back even if my mom asked me to a few times.
I tried out the bar and club scene. I was sheltered so it was all new to me. I didn't drink. I have tried it a few times and didn't like it, it's not for me. I am confident in saying I have no danger in becoming an alcoholic myself. Yet despite not being a drinker would it surprise you that I thoroughly enjoyed the bar/club atmosphere? Especially the ones with lot's of pretty women in them. In particular I loved to see the girls drink It actually put me in a good mood. I loved the spirit of the party girls, especially the ones who seemed stuck up and superficial. I especially liked seeing groups of girls drinking together...girls night out type scenes.
As much as I loved these party girls getting drunk at bars they didn't necessarily love me back. I was so much not your typical bar guy...walking around with my overpriced bottled water. I would try to talk to these ladies but they would shoot me down. It was hurtful but I would get a stimulating jolt out of the whole thing, especially if I got rudely rejected. There was something familiar and comforting about a girl with a drink in her hand being mean to me as warped as that sounds.
One night I picked up on a beautiful woman at the bar and to my delight we had a very nice conversation. We really connected, exchanged phone numbers, went out many times and became very close friends. She isn't interested in me romantically but that's ok as I enjoy her company.
As she got to know me better and longer she has become more controlling. She gets ideas in her head of what I should be doing with my life and pushes me hard. She is the type who is always right and constantly tries to give me direction even if her life is a mess. She is an alcoholic as far as I can tell...always drinking when we go out, she is divorced, lost custody of her child and can't hild a job other than topless dancing when she needs some money. There are times when she yells at me and verbally abuses me. For example she told me that I'm ugly. Still at this point I would say there are more good times than bad.
She recently asked me to get a place with her so we can be roommates. My gut feeling is it would be a bad idea. Yet I told her yes and am I excited to live with her...for the worst reasons you can imagine.
I looked at the place she picked out. It is a rather small duplex. I couldn't help but think if we get approved for this place we will be so physically close to each other in such small living quarters like that. If she goes off on a tangent on me, which I think is likely, I will have nowhere to escape. I could go to my room but I will still hear her as everything is close and compact. The messed up thing is I am romanticizing this is my head. I don't want it to happen frequently (which it might) but I actually like the idea of her yelling at me or being cruel and I am stuck there taking it all. If/when it becomes reality I probably won't like it so myself but I want to throw myself in this arrangement anyway.
Finally, the most bizzare thought in my head right now. I want her to drink at home. I know she drinks when she goes out but I don't really know if she drinks daily at home. I have seen her do it before but I really don't know her daily routine since I never lived with her before. It would give me a level of comfort to have alcohol in our home and for me to interact with her as she is drinking...not 24/7 but nightly. I'm not a mean person. I don't wish her to be sick. Obviously she reminds me a lot of my mother...her drinking and personality...except she is a lot younger...a year younger than me. I am drawn to her because of this even if I know it's dysfunctional as can be.
I was raised by a divorced mother. She was (and still is) a functioning alcoholic with a career and social life. She was strict and domineering. She expected me to behave perfectly at all times (which was ironic considering she was anything but a perfect role model herself).
Of course after a few drinks she would get all the more strict. I remember even the sound of hearing her pour her first drink of the night would put butterflies in my stomach "I better be good" I would tell myself. Some nights she would just drink, chain smoke and pretty much ignore me but other nights she would find things to be angry at me about. She was big into lecturing me and it would become so intense and filled with stinging verbal abuse that I would be driven to tears.
Like I said she had a social life. She had a group of girlfriends that would come over and drink with her a couple of times a week or so. Unfortunately she would call me over to the table and yell/lecture me in front of her friends which was totally humiliating. It seemed like she wa showing off if that makes sense. Painful memories. Then she would send me to bed and I would hear her downstairs talking and laughing with her friends...ms. life of the party with a totally different personality than I ever saw and it seemed SO fake to me.
I made the mistake of living with her through college and beyond...well into my late 20s. She treated me like a little kid the whole time, placing all kinds of curfews and restrictions on me . "If you live under my roof it's my rules". was a big thing with her. I told myself I need to get out of here and a few years ago I finally did it. I was so proud of myself.
So I finally had my freedom and peace...no one yelling at me or bossing me around at home...it was just me. To my total surprise after a few weeks I actually missed living at home. It felt too peaceful and quiet by myself. Yet I did have the strength not to move back even if my mom asked me to a few times.
I tried out the bar and club scene. I was sheltered so it was all new to me. I didn't drink. I have tried it a few times and didn't like it, it's not for me. I am confident in saying I have no danger in becoming an alcoholic myself. Yet despite not being a drinker would it surprise you that I thoroughly enjoyed the bar/club atmosphere? Especially the ones with lot's of pretty women in them. In particular I loved to see the girls drink It actually put me in a good mood. I loved the spirit of the party girls, especially the ones who seemed stuck up and superficial. I especially liked seeing groups of girls drinking together...girls night out type scenes.
As much as I loved these party girls getting drunk at bars they didn't necessarily love me back. I was so much not your typical bar guy...walking around with my overpriced bottled water. I would try to talk to these ladies but they would shoot me down. It was hurtful but I would get a stimulating jolt out of the whole thing, especially if I got rudely rejected. There was something familiar and comforting about a girl with a drink in her hand being mean to me as warped as that sounds.
One night I picked up on a beautiful woman at the bar and to my delight we had a very nice conversation. We really connected, exchanged phone numbers, went out many times and became very close friends. She isn't interested in me romantically but that's ok as I enjoy her company.
As she got to know me better and longer she has become more controlling. She gets ideas in her head of what I should be doing with my life and pushes me hard. She is the type who is always right and constantly tries to give me direction even if her life is a mess. She is an alcoholic as far as I can tell...always drinking when we go out, she is divorced, lost custody of her child and can't hild a job other than topless dancing when she needs some money. There are times when she yells at me and verbally abuses me. For example she told me that I'm ugly. Still at this point I would say there are more good times than bad.
She recently asked me to get a place with her so we can be roommates. My gut feeling is it would be a bad idea. Yet I told her yes and am I excited to live with her...for the worst reasons you can imagine.
I looked at the place she picked out. It is a rather small duplex. I couldn't help but think if we get approved for this place we will be so physically close to each other in such small living quarters like that. If she goes off on a tangent on me, which I think is likely, I will have nowhere to escape. I could go to my room but I will still hear her as everything is close and compact. The messed up thing is I am romanticizing this is my head. I don't want it to happen frequently (which it might) but I actually like the idea of her yelling at me or being cruel and I am stuck there taking it all. If/when it becomes reality I probably won't like it so myself but I want to throw myself in this arrangement anyway.
Finally, the most bizzare thought in my head right now. I want her to drink at home. I know she drinks when she goes out but I don't really know if she drinks daily at home. I have seen her do it before but I really don't know her daily routine since I never lived with her before. It would give me a level of comfort to have alcohol in our home and for me to interact with her as she is drinking...not 24/7 but nightly. I'm not a mean person. I don't wish her to be sick. Obviously she reminds me a lot of my mother...her drinking and personality...except she is a lot younger...a year younger than me. I am drawn to her because of this even if I know it's dysfunctional as can be.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Cleancut, moving in with your friend sounds like a bad idea to me, and you seem to realise that and be tempted at the same time. If she's dominating you now, imagine if you lived together?
You have some insight into your interactions with women, and I suggest you build on this by discussing your upbringing with a therapist. It seems that you've equated the horrible way your AM treated you, with the thrill of having her pay attention to you. If you don't want to be living out this confusion your whole life, try to sort it out while you're still young and adaptable.
As many ACOAs have found, your relationship with alcohol can become warped, which is why I suggest professional help.
You have some insight into your interactions with women, and I suggest you build on this by discussing your upbringing with a therapist. It seems that you've equated the horrible way your AM treated you, with the thrill of having her pay attention to you. If you don't want to be living out this confusion your whole life, try to sort it out while you're still young and adaptable.
As many ACOAs have found, your relationship with alcohol can become warped, which is why I suggest professional help.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Welcome. I think we get comfortable in what we know even if it is uncomfortable. You won't with your mother because you have been mistreated by her. You don't have to settle for further mistreatment by number 2. There are other people that will treat you right.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Cleancut.
Welcome. Glad you found us.
Moving in with someone who is a lot like your mother is a really, really bad idea.
I think you know that.
Get thee to therapy, my friend.
You have a lot to sort out.
Good luck. God bless.
Welcome. Glad you found us.
Moving in with someone who is a lot like your mother is a really, really bad idea.
I think you know that.
Get thee to therapy, my friend.
You have a lot to sort out.
Good luck. God bless.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
Those of us who grew up in alcoholic homes typically repeat the same patterns.
It's really wonderful you see up front this is what you are preparing to do,
What isn't so wonderful is that you are contemplating doing it,
and have even gone so far as to let her find a place.
Don't do it.
I'm going to shoot straight, as I also grew up with an alcoholic mother
whom I let control me for far too many years.
She's using you for a stable base--you've passed the "test" of her bullying
you and you accepting it, and now she's railroading you into being a roomate
which basically translates to financial provider and housekeeper with no fringe
benefits--as her drinking continues, her being able to earn will reduce or stop
and you'll be on the line for everything in the end.
Look in your heart and ask yourself honestly, is moving in with this person
loving yourself or simply following orders like you've been conditioned to do
since you were a small boy?
I know this is direct, but she will turn on the pressure if you say no,
so expect that and don't give in.
We have points in our life where really important decisions are made
which have long term effects.
I think this is such a point in your life.
Change the pattern, or repeat it?
Best to you--
P.S. I agree with the therapy idea--I did this and really learned
some wonderful insights about why I was the way I was,
and how to choose in my own best interest the life I wanted.
Please give yourself that opportunity.
It's really wonderful you see up front this is what you are preparing to do,
What isn't so wonderful is that you are contemplating doing it,
and have even gone so far as to let her find a place.
Don't do it.
I'm going to shoot straight, as I also grew up with an alcoholic mother
whom I let control me for far too many years.
She's using you for a stable base--you've passed the "test" of her bullying
you and you accepting it, and now she's railroading you into being a roomate
which basically translates to financial provider and housekeeper with no fringe
benefits--as her drinking continues, her being able to earn will reduce or stop
and you'll be on the line for everything in the end.
Look in your heart and ask yourself honestly, is moving in with this person
loving yourself or simply following orders like you've been conditioned to do
since you were a small boy?
I know this is direct, but she will turn on the pressure if you say no,
so expect that and don't give in.
We have points in our life where really important decisions are made
which have long term effects.
I think this is such a point in your life.
Change the pattern, or repeat it?
Best to you--
P.S. I agree with the therapy idea--I did this and really learned
some wonderful insights about why I was the way I was,
and how to choose in my own best interest the life I wanted.
Please give yourself that opportunity.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Don't do it Cleancut, as Hawkeye said, before too long you will be the sole support while your friend drinks all day and bullies/abuses you. You see it coming. You see she's a lot like your mother. People do tend to repeat patterns learned in childhood even if they're bad.
Check out the ACOA section, seek out therapy, start to break this destructive pattern of your childhood. You do NOT deserve bullying and abuse.
Check out the ACOA section, seek out therapy, start to break this destructive pattern of your childhood. You do NOT deserve bullying and abuse.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it sounds like you have a LOT to figure out about yourself and about women - and this set up sounds bad news all around. in the title you referred to her as a MOTHER substitute - if that doesn't scream RED FLAG i don't know what does. she is NOT your mother, and you can't play "do overs" and pretend she IS your mother, up to and including wanting her to drink AT HOME WITH YOU.
I actually like the idea of her yelling at me or being cruel and I am stuck there taking it all.
a good therapist can help you get this thinking straightened out.
I actually like the idea of her yelling at me or being cruel and I am stuck there taking it all.
a good therapist can help you get this thinking straightened out.
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