Advice on Divorce/Custody Battle After Rehab
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Advice on Divorce/Custody Battle After Rehab
I stated in another thread I get to go to inpatient rehab this Friday (yea!) However, I'm facing a pretty ugly divorce/custody fight upon my return, which is hard to deal with even when sober.
Has anyone been in this situation before? I have an appt with a lawyer on Thursday as I might get served while in rehab and I need to be prepared.
He is asking for full physical and legal custody with supervised visitation for me. I'm okay with the supervised visitation for now as I'm not a very functional parent, but want to fight for joint legal. Is there any hope? I have no job and have an alcohol problem which I'll fully admit to. I'm going to rehab without his permission (he refuses to use our money for me to get help). He also has a great lawyer lined up and evidence (journal entries, recordings of me drunk and even me slapping him once while drunk). Needless to say not my finest moments and I am very ashamed as I'm innately a moral, good-hearted person. But combine being a small woman, with depression meds and drinking and I become mean. I've never abused my child but I've scared him a few times. It was my 7 year old's look of utter disgust on his face a few weeks ago at me (when I wasn't even drinking) and him starting to have behaviors that is spurring me to get help beyond the AA and therapy I've been doing some.
My question is, am I screwed? He said that if I don't agree to his terms then we'll just go to court. Basically screw mediation and compromise. I'm afraid of what could be exposed in court and how it could possibly damage my professional reputation as I try to rebuild my life after rehab. Being a woman and not having custody of your child is stigma enough, but he says it's time "I'm exposed for who I really am" to family, friends and the world.
Of course I'm scared to death. I'm not an optimistic person by nature and combined with the alcohol/clinical depression I deal with, it is hard to not imagine worst case scenario. I am taking responsibility for my actions and trying to improve my life and don't condone my behavior. But I can't keep staying stuck in the cycle of guilt and shame. I can't change the past and I know time and remaining sober are my number one priorities.
It is just doubly hard concentrating on getting better in rehab knowing my entire life is falling apart on the outside of the walls and I'll still have to face it when sober. I know I can't escape into a bottom of a bottle anymore, but I'm scared the tools I learn in rehab won't be enough and I'll be too fragile.
Anyone else experience this? Do I even have hope in the divorce case? I'm actually looking forward to the getting sober part, it is the staying sober while facing this all that upsets me.
Has anyone been in this situation before? I have an appt with a lawyer on Thursday as I might get served while in rehab and I need to be prepared.
He is asking for full physical and legal custody with supervised visitation for me. I'm okay with the supervised visitation for now as I'm not a very functional parent, but want to fight for joint legal. Is there any hope? I have no job and have an alcohol problem which I'll fully admit to. I'm going to rehab without his permission (he refuses to use our money for me to get help). He also has a great lawyer lined up and evidence (journal entries, recordings of me drunk and even me slapping him once while drunk). Needless to say not my finest moments and I am very ashamed as I'm innately a moral, good-hearted person. But combine being a small woman, with depression meds and drinking and I become mean. I've never abused my child but I've scared him a few times. It was my 7 year old's look of utter disgust on his face a few weeks ago at me (when I wasn't even drinking) and him starting to have behaviors that is spurring me to get help beyond the AA and therapy I've been doing some.
My question is, am I screwed? He said that if I don't agree to his terms then we'll just go to court. Basically screw mediation and compromise. I'm afraid of what could be exposed in court and how it could possibly damage my professional reputation as I try to rebuild my life after rehab. Being a woman and not having custody of your child is stigma enough, but he says it's time "I'm exposed for who I really am" to family, friends and the world.
Of course I'm scared to death. I'm not an optimistic person by nature and combined with the alcohol/clinical depression I deal with, it is hard to not imagine worst case scenario. I am taking responsibility for my actions and trying to improve my life and don't condone my behavior. But I can't keep staying stuck in the cycle of guilt and shame. I can't change the past and I know time and remaining sober are my number one priorities.
It is just doubly hard concentrating on getting better in rehab knowing my entire life is falling apart on the outside of the walls and I'll still have to face it when sober. I know I can't escape into a bottom of a bottle anymore, but I'm scared the tools I learn in rehab won't be enough and I'll be too fragile.
Anyone else experience this? Do I even have hope in the divorce case? I'm actually looking forward to the getting sober part, it is the staying sober while facing this all that upsets me.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. I don't have any advice on legal stuff and am in a different country anyway but just wanted to say i think you are very brave for facing up to and dealing with your addiction.
I'm sure the court/lawyer will look favourably on you dealing with your issues. your husband also withholding money from you to stop you getting treatment won't be looked on favourably surely.
wishing you all the best.
I'm sure the court/lawyer will look favourably on you dealing with your issues. your husband also withholding money from you to stop you getting treatment won't be looked on favourably surely.
wishing you all the best.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 1,065
Please just focus on getting sober and building coping strategies.
Court battles take forever. However the courts always act in the best interests of the child.
If you are not sober and healthy you are not in a place to act in the best interests of anyone. Focus on your recovery. Get yourself well. What will happen, will happen and it may be horrible for a while, but you can turn it around.
Court battles take forever. However the courts always act in the best interests of the child.
If you are not sober and healthy you are not in a place to act in the best interests of anyone. Focus on your recovery. Get yourself well. What will happen, will happen and it may be horrible for a while, but you can turn it around.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 514
What people said about focusing on sobriety is the only way you'll have any chance of gaining custody. I guarantee you lots of people in your rehab will be going through exactly the same thing (I've been twice and was usually in of the minority of people who didn't have children). I would advise you not to allow that to become the focus of your time in rehab; it will drive you crazy and totally sabotage a successful recovery. In general, I've found that SO many factors in any legal case are unique to the individual that frankly it's largely unproductive to listen to people's testimonials, though I can also understand potentially benefitting from hearing the experience of others. But honestly, your time in rehab is about YOU! Take full asvantage!
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I do intend to take full advantage. I even basically begged my husband not to file while I'm in rehab just so I don't focus on it as I'm an "obsessive" type. Go figure. He cannot promise that, and I understand where he is coming from. I'm just trying to gain perspective on what I'm going to face. It's easy to tell someone to only focus on sobriety, but life is much more complicated.
I wanted some feel good stories of people that dealt with this and turned it around. I am definitely a comparer of life situations. But then again, I know how inaccurate that statement is. I've been an alcoholic a much shorter time than many people on here and not drank nearly as much but still inflicted more damage. Comparisons won't tell the whole story. I just HATE being defined by a disease. It is the most empty existence. I'm 37. Been an alcoholic (or at least problematic drinker) for 5 years-at least 2 years for sure an alcoholic. For 32 years that wasn't me, however, the last 5 years of my life is going to dictate the rest of it. It is hard to fathom, yet it is reality.
I wanted some feel good stories of people that dealt with this and turned it around. I am definitely a comparer of life situations. But then again, I know how inaccurate that statement is. I've been an alcoholic a much shorter time than many people on here and not drank nearly as much but still inflicted more damage. Comparisons won't tell the whole story. I just HATE being defined by a disease. It is the most empty existence. I'm 37. Been an alcoholic (or at least problematic drinker) for 5 years-at least 2 years for sure an alcoholic. For 32 years that wasn't me, however, the last 5 years of my life is going to dictate the rest of it. It is hard to fathom, yet it is reality.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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You could "reframe" this BC as rebuilding a life you want and deserve.
I don't want to read into things, but if you've been depressed and drinking alcoholically for five years,
it could be you haven't been happy in your marriage that long or longer.
It could be part of the drinking has been to suppress making a change which
would be difficult and painful--to stuff your feelings instead of take action.
Now you are being "forced" to do so, but in the long run,
what if it is the very best thing for you, your child, and your husband?
What if through your real recovery you find your way back to yourself
and you and your husband build a bridge to successfully co-parent your son
who will grow up without dealing with alcoholism or conflict in the home?
That's another, more positive way to see this whole situation.
If you're gonna obsess, try to obsess about positive outcomes--
I don't want to read into things, but if you've been depressed and drinking alcoholically for five years,
it could be you haven't been happy in your marriage that long or longer.
It could be part of the drinking has been to suppress making a change which
would be difficult and painful--to stuff your feelings instead of take action.
Now you are being "forced" to do so, but in the long run,
what if it is the very best thing for you, your child, and your husband?
What if through your real recovery you find your way back to yourself
and you and your husband build a bridge to successfully co-parent your son
who will grow up without dealing with alcoholism or conflict in the home?
That's another, more positive way to see this whole situation.
If you're gonna obsess, try to obsess about positive outcomes--
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Originally Posted by Babescake 
It's easy to tell someone to only focus on sobriety, but life is much more complicated..
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I think making an appointment with your lawyer for Thursday is the best thing to do. I don't know what the outcome will be. Since you don't want a court battle and he won't do mediation, getting legal advice might help.
Good luck with your inpatient rehab.
Good luck with your inpatient rehab.
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Originally Posted by Babescake
Been an alcoholic (or at least problematic drinker) for 5 years-at least 2 years for sure an alcoholic. For 32 years that wasn't me, however, the last 5 years of my life is going to dictate the rest of it. It is hard to fathom, yet it is reality.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 394
Thank you peeps. I will miss your wisdom while in rehab (while hoping to gain other wisdom). Hawkeye and doggonecarl, you both especially have stood out with posts that truly make me stop and think, yet also show a genuine compassion and understanding from more than one side. I know my thinking is slanted, even the husband has stated it, I'm just afraid of letting go. In answering another poster's question, I've been with my husband since i was 20. I'm 37. I've never "truly" been alone, albeit the first few years of college when I was still protected to an extent and had a boyfriend. I still can't sink my head around the divorce and it will scar me for a long time, maybe forever. I still love my husband though the feelings aren't returned. But I know I must make a life for myself and learn to love me again. It's never truly been there, but it's been better than this.
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the last 5 years of my life is going to dictate the rest of it.
instead of looking at that negatively, look at it positively.
your past will become a valuable posession. you will learn from it. you will someday,after working on you, be able to say,"yup, that WAS me. thats NOT me any more and im blessed and greatful for that."
you will be able to use your past to help others. you will be able to use your past to know what works and what doesnt.
with work on yourself, youll be able to be ok with your past. its been required for the journey of where youre going to, which is a life beyond your wildest dreams.
instead of looking at that negatively, look at it positively.
your past will become a valuable posession. you will learn from it. you will someday,after working on you, be able to say,"yup, that WAS me. thats NOT me any more and im blessed and greatful for that."
you will be able to use your past to help others. you will be able to use your past to know what works and what doesnt.
with work on yourself, youll be able to be ok with your past. its been required for the journey of where youre going to, which is a life beyond your wildest dreams.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
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Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference between the two.
I wish you the best. Stay strong and focus on yourself. Seek legal advice.
There is only one thing you have control over at the moment, have the courage to change it. Do not let the possible outcomes of something out of your control to affect the most important thing right now - getting and staying sober. Regardless of the outcome of something not in your control, by making yourself better, that outcome can be changed down the road. Do not let it interfere with your sanity.
Good Luck
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference between the two.
I wish you the best. Stay strong and focus on yourself. Seek legal advice.
There is only one thing you have control over at the moment, have the courage to change it. Do not let the possible outcomes of something out of your control to affect the most important thing right now - getting and staying sober. Regardless of the outcome of something not in your control, by making yourself better, that outcome can be changed down the road. Do not let it interfere with your sanity.
Good Luck
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Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 394
I'm just so scared. I bawl all the time. I'm so lost and imagining losing my son is beyond any sort of pain I can comprehend. Though, I know I've already lost him in a sense. But absorbing that and having it be a physical thing is scary, sober or not, but especially without drinking or any sort of enhancement.
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Location: California
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
the last 5 years of my life is going to dictate the rest of it.
instead of looking at that negatively, look at it positively.
your past will become a valuable posession. you will learn from it. you will someday,after working on you, be able to say,"yup, that WAS me. thats NOT me any more and im blessed and greatful for that."
you will be able to use your past to help others. you will be able to use your past to know what works and what doesnt.
with work on yourself, youll be able to be ok with your past. its been required for the journey of where youre going to, which is a life beyond your wildest dreams.
instead of looking at that negatively, look at it positively.
your past will become a valuable posession. you will learn from it. you will someday,after working on you, be able to say,"yup, that WAS me. thats NOT me any more and im blessed and greatful for that."
you will be able to use your past to help others. you will be able to use your past to know what works and what doesnt.
with work on yourself, youll be able to be ok with your past. its been required for the journey of where youre going to, which is a life beyond your wildest dreams.
Talking to your lawyer is smart, then you will at least have some idea where you stand, and can focus on getting sober in rehab. Will they also help you come up with s plan for after?
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 1,060
Babescake,
Sorry for the turmoil you're in right now. Fear and anxiety are something our minds make up. Are you in physical danger? I assume No. Therefore, feeling fear is irrational but our alcoholic minds create situations. This will sound simple and I know it isn't but try to live in the now. Have faith that everything will work out. But you have to do your part. Get sober, find peace and happiness for you, and sobriety will change your future. Your last 5 years will be a bump in the road that you'll be grateful for the experience. Just remember that without sobriety then nothing will change.
Good luck
Sorry for the turmoil you're in right now. Fear and anxiety are something our minds make up. Are you in physical danger? I assume No. Therefore, feeling fear is irrational but our alcoholic minds create situations. This will sound simple and I know it isn't but try to live in the now. Have faith that everything will work out. But you have to do your part. Get sober, find peace and happiness for you, and sobriety will change your future. Your last 5 years will be a bump in the road that you'll be grateful for the experience. Just remember that without sobriety then nothing will change.
Good luck
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: North East, USA
Posts: 704
I agree, your focus must be your sobriety.
Also; I am here to tell you, as a mother, who lost custody, my child (while older than yours) lives in a different time zone...it's not ideal, nor is it easy, but I'm doing it. One day at a time.
I dont know if I will ever live close to my child again. I don't focus on that. That would level me.
I focus on being sober and therefor her and I'm very grateful that I survived and didn't annihilate that little girl by killing her mother. Thank God!
Sobriety and gratitude, perspective and baby steps... those things keep me going and for all intents I'm doing really well. Happy even. Acceptance. I made my bed...here I lie.
Give yourself a chance and cut yourself a break. Follow your attorney and the Courts every lead.
You have my support bc I know you can do this! Stay positive and resolved.
Best of luck and big hug.
Jules
Also; I am here to tell you, as a mother, who lost custody, my child (while older than yours) lives in a different time zone...it's not ideal, nor is it easy, but I'm doing it. One day at a time.
I dont know if I will ever live close to my child again. I don't focus on that. That would level me.
I focus on being sober and therefor her and I'm very grateful that I survived and didn't annihilate that little girl by killing her mother. Thank God!
Sobriety and gratitude, perspective and baby steps... those things keep me going and for all intents I'm doing really well. Happy even. Acceptance. I made my bed...here I lie.
Give yourself a chance and cut yourself a break. Follow your attorney and the Courts every lead.
You have my support bc I know you can do this! Stay positive and resolved.
Best of luck and big hug.
Jules
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Ask your attorney specifically how he or she would approach this and how they’d argue for joint custody.
Don’t go in accepting only supervised visitation. Go in taking the position that you are going to rehab and you are taking measures to be healthy and present as a parent.
These things get ugly and you will find that having some ability to ‘give’ by - say - negotiating a staggered approach to physical custody whereby you demonstrate yoUve met certain conditions for a specified period will be an asset.
Trouble with accepting sole physical is then you guarantee yourself a long slog to ever get it reset.
Do the right thing for you and your children. If you’re not in a place to be a good parent to them, own that and let them be with the healthy parent for now.... but work with an attorney to approach it in a way that doesn’t leave you stuck in court for years to come, struggling to get your kids back.
I feel for you, I went through an awful custody battle and it’s the most painful experience ever. Hang in there and focus on your health and sobriety along the way.... this can be a tremendous motivator to turn your life around.
Don’t go in accepting only supervised visitation. Go in taking the position that you are going to rehab and you are taking measures to be healthy and present as a parent.
These things get ugly and you will find that having some ability to ‘give’ by - say - negotiating a staggered approach to physical custody whereby you demonstrate yoUve met certain conditions for a specified period will be an asset.
Trouble with accepting sole physical is then you guarantee yourself a long slog to ever get it reset.
Do the right thing for you and your children. If you’re not in a place to be a good parent to them, own that and let them be with the healthy parent for now.... but work with an attorney to approach it in a way that doesn’t leave you stuck in court for years to come, struggling to get your kids back.
I feel for you, I went through an awful custody battle and it’s the most painful experience ever. Hang in there and focus on your health and sobriety along the way.... this can be a tremendous motivator to turn your life around.
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