steve-in-kville

For the record, I'm the one in recovery. I drank daily for many years and had various lengths of sobriety the past 2 years. My wife has heard it all from me.... you have heard the quacks and excuses. This past summer I was able to deal with some demons that I had buried and found acceptance and was able to get sober and stay that way. I never told anyone that I sobered up. I just figured my wife and family would eventually be able to see that the booze wasn't controlling me anymore.

Fast forward to this past weekend. Its been frigid cold the past week or so which causes many old injuries to act up (broken ribs, horsed up hip and knee, etc.) I can limp pretty bad when I first get up.

Also, we got bills out the wazoo.... garage bills, medical bills, our washer needed work, again you get the idea. Such is life. I'm not sleeping the best, never hit REM cycle for nights on end. I'm shot.

So yesterday I get the "Your drinking again" routine. I played it off thinking maybe she is just fishing to see what I'd say. I ask why she thinks that? "you're staggering around the house and she can see it in my face." Okay, I get it, but this really bothering me for some reason.

I'm really bummed out about this. Should I let it go? Try to reason? Maybe this is all part of the healing process.... not sure what to do here. Advice appreciated.

hopeful4

Since you say you have had "various lengths" of sobriety for the past two years, this tells me she has been dealing with your sobriety, then relapse, perhaps over and over. I would say to tell her the truth and leave it at that. I understand that it bothers you, but please see the other side of the coin as well. It sort of makes you feel like a crazy person over time.

I wish you well and hope 2018 sees healing and sobriety for you.

AnvilheadII

i am sure it's hard to be accused when you know it's not the truth.....but non-alcoholics have "triggers" too - an uneven gate can be one of them.

just stay sober, no matter what. that's the best gift for everyone. sorry you have so many aches and pains, chronic pain sucks. hang in there steve.....

ScaryTime

I have to agree with hopeful4, to tell your wife the truth and leave it at that. There are many levels of emotion and struggle from the other viewpoint. I guess being from that other viewpoint I can’t understand the reasoning you would keep this from your wife/family? But again, that is from the co dependent mindset...
Good luck with your continued sobriety and have a great 2018.

Mango blast

Alcoholism is a family disease... it affects all in the vicinity.... and Recovery from alcoholism is about much more than staying sober.

Learning curves here. It's been very counter-intuitive!

Congratulations on your sobriety! You get to keep it, no matter what triggers go off in someone else... that's for them to deal with and not really your business.

Recovery involves seeing life differently. Letting/allowing the good stuff in AND finding ways to fully ENJOY the good in life.

The brain and body CAN be amazingly restored when preconceptions of all limitations are dropped.

At an AA and Alanon meeting place in Bozeman Montana there's a sign above the door that says "Life doesn't have to suck." When I first walked through that door, my life sucked so much it took some time to notice the sign... but it didn't take long for for me to start believing it.

I found out that pain and joy can exist in the same space within me. That I could fully enjoy life in small ways each day and let that grow. That by doing things differently, by trusting my gut, my instincts, that life would get better each year... that the things I once found difficult could melt away and there would naturally be changes in myself that have a domino effect in changing how I see everything around me.

Have things become easier, more fun and much more fulfilling for you? If not, get curious about the rest of Recovery from this disease. More good is coming, when we're willing to truly go after it!

Sounds like you've taken a great start on this with sobriety and tackling some tough issues. Things can REALLY start getting good now... when curiosity, kindness and compassion for yourself, your life and the goodness in this day at hand are brought together.

Ariesagain

I’m sorry, sweetie. That all kinda sucks.

Maybe just tell her what you told us? “Hey, I understand why you might think that, but here’s what’s going on right now...”

Sending you a hug.

Maudcat

Hi, Steve.
Still some trust issues there, I guess.
It takes a long time and some serious work on both sides to rebuild it.
All you can do is the next right thing for you, which may mean telling your wife that you are not drinking, and moving on.
Or not, and just continuing on your path.
I was fortunate in that my husband was willing to trust me again fairly quickly after I quit drinking.
I bless him every day (in my head mostly, but sometimes out loud) for his generous nature.
Good luck.

Maudcat

Agree with Aries that maybe you need to let her know of your worries, if you haven’t yet.
When we were getting ready for a big move from the mid-atlantic to Mass., my spouse got real quiet and distant.
I let him be until he was ready to spill it.
Turns out he was terrified that our house wouldn’t sell-ground subsidence issues-and we would be up the creek.
Everything turned out fine. House sold. We moved, etc.
Anyway, good thoughts. Hope things get easier.

NYCDoglvr

Alcoholics have to earn the trust of friends/family. Let it go, get active in a recovery program and perhaps she'll trust you in time.

Hawkeye13

You know, so many times we drinkers have lied or "hidden" the truth
that we were drinking, or how much we drank, etc. is it any wonder
that our loved ones sometimes jump to conclusions incorrectly?

Keep sober and trust will rebuild Steve

Sasha1972

You say you never told anyone you had sobered up over the summer - does that include your wife? If not, that may increase her suspicion because after years of living with an alcoholic, her settings may be "drinking unless proven otherwise".

I agree with everyone else, "recovery looks like recovery" and if you maintain your sobriety and just stay steady, over time your wife may regain the ability to trust her. I can understand that it must be unpleasant for you to be disbelieved. Are you in any sort of program or do you have other friends in recovery that you can share your situation with, who may be able to sympathize?

steve-in-kville

Thanks for the replies. The attitude at home this afternoon/evening was a bit more upbeat. I think both of us realize our relationship needs some more work!

Bekindalways

^^^^^^ Good to hear Steve and another congrats on both the sobriety and conquering whatever demons you had.

I would just add that after I left my qualifier, all of my own demons hit me like a herd of Mack trucks. I've spent decades finding out how messed up I am and trying (sometimes successfully) to live more healthily.

Just because you are/were the drinker doesn't mean you have more demons . . .hmm . . . your wife may well be way more healthy than I am. I probably would have had a full blown melt down over an early morning stiff knee limp.

Stay the course brave man!

Sleepyhollo

Congrats on your sobriety!! But I have to ask, why didn't you tell your wife that you sobered up? Were you hoping that she would notice after a while and shower you with accolades? I am very glad that you took care of some of your demons but did you just stop drinking or did you get actual treatment while getting sober? My husband over the past 15 years had stopped many times. Stopping was never a problems for him it was the staying sober. He would usually stay sober for 3-4 months and then feel like he could start drinking again socially and before you knew he'd be hitting the bottle again, in secret. The longest he had stayed clean prior to this last time was a year. He stopped drinking but he was still the same miserable person: grumpy, always tired, reactive, an insomniac who would go to bed early and then be up in the middle of the night. So still the same behaviors minus the alcohol to cope with it (dry drunk as I later learned). And when he stopped he would tell people that his BP was too high (which it was thanks to all the alcohol) and that he needed to lose weight. So needless to stay there was no accountability. So 15 months ago I could no longer take it and I demanded that he get treatment or I was gone. He ended up having to go to rehab and he has been clean since and has really changed his ways and has learned how to deal with everything in a healthy way. He hated his job before. The job hasn't changed he's just learned how to deal with the stress.
From my side I admit that I thought that once he stopped drinking all would be fine but I learned that it is much more complicated than that because alcohol is only a small part of addiction (and even though we didn't think he needed rehab we now know that without the full 90 days he would probably not have been successful in changing his ways). So if you haven't dealt with underlying issues that the alcohol was self medicating it will be much hard r to stay sober. So I am not surprised that your wife isn't necessarily over the moon. She has been through this several times and a few months of sobriety , while great of course, doesnt mean that she won't doubt that it will stick this time. We've been there done that and building trust takes a lot of time especially after many years of dealing with this. And yes ont the triggers!! Lots of little quirks my H had that wouldn't seem like anything in particular to anyone except for me because I would know that he was drinking again. Like becoming extremely touchy feely, not in an inappropriate way necessarily but inappropriate times (poking at our kid while she is eating for example), he would start limping a bit as well when he was drunk, not because he was in pain (he has had back surgeries) but because he was drink. Again, he wasn't stumbling like a drunk, just that little limp that didn't mean anything to anyone but me. And there a lot of these little things that would signal to me he was at it again.
He drank in secret and no one knew anything, he was functional and hid it well and I, as the codependent spouse covered it well.
Now as I have discovered, and PP also mentioned, as it turns out I have my own issues as the codependent (no more luckily but still have plenty of work to do) because that's why we got together to begin with. We were the perfect combo for his addiction. And so I have a lot of thing I myself have to change as well.
One big thing that fell by the way side over the years is communication which is obviously very important in a relationship. Our relationship has suffered greatly and a year later things are improving but far from good. With communication being so important, i wonder why you decided to not say anything to your wife. Seems like a pretty important thing to have out in the open.
And your wife probably has some of her own issues /demons that she may or may or may not be aware of. I naively thought that o ce the alcohol was gone that everything would be just fine and dandy and that we would be able to move on. My H is ready to move forward and I'm the one that is really struggling. I need to change a lot about myself but while he was in a drunken stupor over the years my feelings for him changed. That wasn't the case for him because he was too busy drinking to worry about me.
I guess all of this to point out that there is so much more to sobriety and recovery than taking away the alcohol, not just for the alcoholic but also for the spouse and the rest of the family. And the spouse no doubt has suffered a lot over the years and it will more than likely take a lot of time to gain trust and prove that you will stay sober. It is very hard for us to believe it will actually stick, especially after several failed attempts.
I think you need to be open with your wife about what your doing, that while communication thing. And maybe encourage her to check out alanon. Despite being a medical provider myself I never realized how little I actually knew about addiction. It has been very eye opening in many ways. And even though I am happy that my H is finally sober and I can trust him with my kid again and she has her daddy back. It has been a huge roller coaster and I never thought that this is how it would all turn out.
Talk to your wife and cut her some slack. Be proud for being sober and continue to work on it so you can and stay sober and gain her trust back but the spouse will need time to process and see that it will stick this time. We've been burned too many times.
And if you have not sought any treatment but just quit drinking (which is a great start obviously) I would highly recommend that you some form of treatment. It will help you in the long run.

steve-in-kville

Because she heard it so many times before that she wouldn't have believed me anyway. At least that was my theory.... I guess we see how well that panned out, eh?!

I just went on a taper and stopped. The end.

trailmix

Do you find it at all unusual that you haven't told your wife you've stopped drinking (I mean now, I get the - she had heard it so many times before thing).

You haven't sat down and actually talked about it and the trials she must have gone through and how that affected her (assuming she wants to be heard on that).

In a way it almost seems like you are still doing your "own" thing, you are still excluding her, you are still not taking her feelings and experiences on this in to consideration.

I could be way off base, just a thought.

Sasha1972

Is it possible that you haven't said anything to your wife about stopping drinking because you think you might start drinking again and that it would be awkward/embarrassing?

I'm not an alcoholic, but I think that telling your wife would be important for your own accountability. She might not believe you just yet, as you say, but that's not actually the point of telling her - making a commitment out loud to another person, which you can hold yourself to, is the point.

Nata1980

Congrats on being sober!

How about a good ole “I understand why you feel this way - I am very sorry for breaking your trust so many times. I am willing to do anything to get your trust back. Here is a breathalyzer/Soberlink I purchased so you can feel more at peace about me not drinking”. And take the test and show the result.

Sort of like they advise the cheating spouse to give access to all phones and e-mails to the wronged spouse. Asking what you can do to gain her trust back may help as well.

Just my 2c from “the other side”. I totally get it - the whole “not sleeping being tired” explanations were always a precursor to XAHs relapse/signified beginning stages of drinking.