Newbie/long time lurker

Old 01-01-2018, 09:16 AM
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Newbie/long time lurker

Hi all,

I have been reading this forum for the past 2 years but never had the courage to post.

I am married (13 years) to an addict. I knew when I married him he had been addicted to heroin, benzos and pills in the past, but had 10 years into recovery at this point. Fast forward to 2013 his mum is diagnosed with cancer. He has access to drugs due to his job and he falls right off the wagon, scarily so. I supported him through the first of many detoxes. He’s been on methadone and reduced off. He’s abused his mums morphine, anti psychotics benzos, tranquillisers, over the counter pills. You name it he’s done it. There have been some periods of clean time, but they don’t last long. I did resort to testing him for a time, but I refuse to live like that anymore. Plus he’d just change DOC to pass the test. I have been driven crazy by his lies and manipulation which made me feel I was somehow to blame - if I had been more supportive etc. I have searched and snooped and none of it helps - it makes it worse. I felt like an addict at one point with secrets, waiting for him to leave the room to check something. So I stopped.

I have set boundaries and stick to them but then it’s just so tiring I would give in. I am mentally and emotionally drained.
Yesterday I told him no more. I said I can’t do this anymore. He was under the influence of I don’t know what this time. He is unable to tell me the truth and I can see him scrabbling and panicking to think of something to come up with. I told him I didn’t need to know. He attacks me for voicing this and throws wedding ring off in a tantrum (he’s never grown up) blames me for everything and accused me of ‘picking this time!’ - like I have a choice in this!

Anyway he went. I did not contact him as I usually would. It drove him mad and he text to tell me he’s safe (he’s used suicidal thoughts in the past to manipulate me) I did reply with I wasn’t aware I should be concerned. Which led to a conversation about him staying in the spare bed - I agreed.

We have split before many times, but this time it’s different. I’m not scared. I want this.

I have had enough. It is not the drug use that bothers me the most it is the lies. He has lied about everything from shopping lists to having a child (which doesn’t exist). I am sick of having to play detective.

I know the best thing is no contact. But that’s not possible. He has absolutely no where to go. He doesn’t use with others it’s a lone thing he does. I told him he could stay and we make a plan for him to move out. He kept throwing ridiculous figures about how much it will cost him and all his inheritance is now gone - told me 6 months. I remained calm and gave him a more realistic timescale of 2 paydays. He looked heartbroken.

So question is how do I manage this going forward?

Is it realistic to think I can remain as strong minded as I feel today for the time he’s here or am I kidding myself?

It hurts like hell I feel like the past 13 years has been a lie and my future has been stolen.

I still love him - probably always will. But now I love myself more.

I have lost who am if I’m not the wife of an addict and all the **** that goes along with it. I used to be scared of this but today I am excited to find me again.

I know I’m vulnerable. I lost my mum suddenly before Christmas also so emotionally I’m pretty screwed up at the minute.

Please any advice??
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Old 01-01-2018, 02:37 PM
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Hi Willitend

I’m sorry for your situation. Your not alone. Many here on SR. Understand exactly what you are experiencing

At one time while I was in a reationship with my addict. I too was a lurker. I was reading at a ferocious rate. Trying to find understanding

Immediately after leaving the relationship. I registered on SR. & posted my ugly story

I remember reading that people who use heroine stop emotional development at the point when they first become addicted to heroine. For my addict that was at about age 15. She could act very child like & immature At times I could see the young girl in her face. At other times she looked worn beyond her years

Your dealing with a very bad situation. He’s an active addict. His inheritance. Is. Gone. Addiction is progressive Your situation Continues to get worse. Yes?

Your screen name is interesting. Yes it will end. It will end when you say it ends. I’ve lived. it so I know.

You will get advice here on SR from knowledgeable caring people. I wish you the best of luck
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Old 01-01-2018, 03:00 PM
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Hi, Willitend.
Welcome.
You are doing the right thing in separating from your addict.
Sometimes it’s let go or be dragged.
But....the thing with ultimatums is you have to be bone deep, absolutely, unequivocally willing to carry them out.
I would prepare for pushback all along the time leading up to the deadline and major drama after the two paydays deadline hits.
Addicts will do anything, anything, save cutting off a limb, to stay in the situation that allows them to carry on using.
I would stay firm and maybe think about plan B if he doesn’t follow through.
Good luck and hugs.
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Old 01-01-2018, 04:22 PM
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Willitend, yes it will. If you want it too. Then you will go through the following emotions: anger, maybe some denial or bargaining, and the deep sadness that comes with acceptance, but you will find your smile again.

Welcome to SR. This place was a life line for me. I'm glad you are posting because I keep learning about my situation by reading other people's posts, and I also check my "no contact" that way. Thank you for your story.

Your post reminds me of my situation with my addict ex: long history together, him secretly using drugs, me openly tolerating his drug use, him continuing to lie about the extent of his drug use, and so many other things (even after I told him that I was going to be understanding and he didn't have to lie)... inheritance spent, possible infidelity (him, not me).... . It culminated in total job loss, home loss, financial ruin, and eventually violence (because I insisted he get help, because the drug was killing him, literally). I was blamed for everything... the people closest to him get blamed for everything, usually.

It had to end. He had no where to go. He refused to find anywhere to go. He became homeless... because he REFUSED to go to anyone else. He's got his own place now. If I were you, I would worry less about his decisions because addicts tend to be resilient (need to stay alive to keep using). If anything happens to him, it will be due to his drug use -- the drugs will kill him before anything else, I think (risk of overdose). No matter what happens: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't change it, and don't let it consume you.

Stay strong! You will get through this. Please keep posting.
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Old 01-01-2018, 04:48 PM
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Agree with Ophelia.
He will, surprisingly, find somewhere to go.
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Old 01-02-2018, 10:50 AM
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Thank you for all your replies and kind words really needed them today.

I have taken so much from reading all of the posts on here they have been invaluable and helped me make better choices.

I tried to stay strong, but had some tears (whilst he sat there passive and drowsy) but I did not waiver. I think he thought I was bluffing, and I can’t blame him for that when his emotional blackmail has worked in the past and I’ve given in.

He’s not contacted me and I miss him! £150 has gone out the joint account and I think he may be using it for a deposit. This thing I wanted to happen and that I know is for the best is driving me insane! I’m so sad. I know I’m only reminiscing over happier times and missing them and the reality today is very different from that. But Mann! This is hard.

Struggled to get through work today without tears. Now I’m home I’m a wreck.

I don’t think he’s going to come back tonight now. That should make me happy because I won’t have to be on eggshells. But it just makes me cry.

Is this normal?!
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Old 01-02-2018, 10:54 AM
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Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz View Post
Willitend, yes it will. If you want it too. Then you will go through the following emotions: anger, maybe some denial or bargaining, and the deep sadness that comes with acceptance, but you will find your smile again.

Welcome to SR. This place was a life line for me. I'm glad you are posting because I keep learning about my situation by reading other people's posts, and I also check my "no contact" that way. Thank you for your story.

Your post reminds me of my situation with my addict ex: long history together, him secretly using drugs, me openly tolerating his drug use, him continuing to lie about the extent of his drug use, and so many other things (even after I told him that I was going to be understanding and he didn't have to lie)... inheritance spent, possible infidelity (him, not me).... . It culminated in total job loss, home loss, financial ruin, and eventually violence (because I insisted he get help, because the drug was killing him, literally). I was blamed for everything... the people closest to him get blamed for everything, usually.

It had to end. He had no where to go. He refused to find anywhere to go. He became homeless... because he REFUSED to go to anyone else. He's got his own place now. If I were you, I would worry less about his decisions because addicts tend to be resilient (need to stay alive to keep using). If anything happens to him, it will be due to his drug use -- the drugs will kill him before anything else, I think (risk of overdose). No matter what happens: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't change it, and don't let it consume you.

Stay strong! You will get through this. Please keep posting.
Thank you for replying...

Our situations do sound similar! I have tried the understanding tact. Encouraging honesty I never got. It just got worse. The lies more outrageous! I can’t win.

How did it end for you? What happened?
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Old 01-02-2018, 12:01 PM
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It's pointless to put a rose on this. This is who he has turned into. A lying, manipulative addict. It hurts. Let yourself grieve, but be strong in that you do deserve more.

Big hugs.
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Old 01-02-2018, 12:32 PM
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Perfectly normal to be sad. You are grieving the loss of him, and the loss of the life you hoped to have with him.
I would separate my finances from his going forward.
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Old 01-02-2018, 01:52 PM
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Didn’t realise how much this forum/site would help me, I’ve learnt a lot just reading and lurking but actually engaging with and posting is such a help. I felt so alone before...

I have a separate account and pay nothing into the joint one...something kept stopping me from doing it - glad now!

Not heard from him. He hasn’t come home. I have taken my sim out my phone so I can’t contact him - the lengths I have to go to!! 🙄 but I think it’s a good short term plan to stop me contacting him while I’m feeling like this. Just hope he doesn’t come knocking at the door later. I don’t have a plan for that.

You’re right it is grief - and when grieving you’ll do anything to have one last moment with them. That’s what makes this difficult I could do that here. It’s final but not final if that makes sense.

Been reading about co dependency and oh my god that’s me! It’s like he’s my drug. So I’ve decided if I’ve spent the past 4 years asking him not to take drugs the least I can do is show him I can go cold turkey on him.
Welll that’s how I feel today!! Tomorrow is another story but one day at a time as they say!

Thanks for all your inspiring, motivational and logical comments. Helps pull me out of my magical thinking that we could live happy ever after.

X
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Old 01-02-2018, 02:35 PM
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Strength Be with you

Stick to your plan, it's ruff but you can't enable him. Thirteen years is a lot of opportunities for him to change. You have to take care of yourself. God bless
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Old 01-03-2018, 07:17 AM
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It's great that you are doing anything you have to do, that you are reaching out, and educating yourself!

Now, for that plan. HE WILL come back. He will run out of money and burn all his bridges. You need to have a plan in place so you are not manipulated when you are vulnerable. Do you have a counselor who helps families who deal with addiction? If not, get one, pronto!

Big hugs. You are definitely not alone!
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Old 01-04-2018, 07:05 AM
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Originally Posted by Willitend View Post
I don’t think he’s going to come back tonight now. That should make me happy because I won’t have to be on eggshells. But it just makes me cry.

Is this normal?!
Yes it is normal, because you are not an unfeeling robot.

You made some tough choices to protect yourself and you are grieving the loss of your partner. It will feel like a death except that no one died. It's just your idea of your life together is dying, so you must grieve. You must let yourself scream into pillows and cry yourself to sleep. If you don't allow yourself to feel sad, you'll mess yourself up. It does like this (not always in this order): denial, despair (that's when you're so sad, it hurts... but please don't start drinking, just rest, eat right, get some light exercise), bargaining, anger, sadness, acceptance... . Happiness needs to be earned.
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Old 01-04-2018, 07:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Willitend View Post
How did it end for you? What happened?
He didn't take it lying down, figuratively speaking. He went through this crazy "process" where he tried to dump me first, insulted me, started a smear campaign against me, started posting rubbish on internet forums about me, then he suddenly did a 180 when he ran out of money cause he spent it all on drugs and he tried to come crawling back -- Mr Jekyll/ Mr Hyde.

Oh, you mean, how did it end for ME? Not him, me? I went "no contact" on his @ss. Also, I spoke to people about things... and they really were helpful with the "no contact" part. I was acutely aware that if I tried to contact him, I would lose friends... and if I ever needed their help again, I would not be able to get it because they would be really angry at me for breaking no contact. I didn't want to dig myself into my own grave. I spent a lot of time talking to counselors, a DV service, and also went to Naranon.

I also took a lot of time to grieve. I was sad for, it seemed, forever. I think if I didn't have people around me who were supportive, I would have probably starved to death. SR was helpful. So were Melody Beattie's books. Also, "Psychopath Free" by Jackson Mackenzie. Yes, I know we're talking about addiction here, but as I was reading, I just substituted the word "psychopath" with "addict" and the entire book really made sense. Note: this only works if the addict you dealt with actually has serious narcissistic tendencies... otherwise it will make the book seem really melodramatic.

I've worked through rage and now I just feel sad when I think about what happened... but it's a calm sort of sadness, not desperate like it used to be. I feel... resigned. It's just my fate. This is what happened. This is something that I needed to learn from. That's how I see it.
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