spedteach

So it's been awhile since I have posted. AH has off and on drank most of our marriage. Sober 14 years the 1st time, the last time it was almost 3 years to the day. He's had a rough 6 months and I was concerned about this coming. He lost 2 uncles and 1 aunt in about a 6 week time period. Was hospitalized for what we were told was possible heart issues, turns out it was major anxiety..but 2 bad EKGs, a failed stress test and a heart cahterization later..he got that diagnosis. His heart is in great shape. So they started him on medication forthe anxiety and stress. One of those is Xanax. I told him I was concerned because it's addictive and with his history he might need to be careful. He did not want to hear that because it made him feel better. He had some issues with his mom. And then in late November we got word that his favorite aunt was dying. She died just before Christmas. And the drinking started when he found out she was terminal. I was honest and told him he was opening Pandora's box and it wasn't a good idea but he's an adult. He has now drank the last 4 days in a row..aunts viewing and funeral were last week.

I have not always responded very well to his drinking so until this morning, I have been quiet. I told him this morning that I love him and I am concerned that he is headed back to his dark place and that he needs to call his therapist (an addiction expert) and get back to AA. I told him again I was concerned about mixing prescription pills and alcohol. And that I was very worried for him. I let him know I wasn't being a nag or trying to judge but that I am worried. I will not say another word to him.

He did not speak much to me all day. Clearly I hit a nerve. He went and got himself a bottle of Jim Beam and after drinking 3/4 of it decides he has something to say to me since I said that to him. He then proceeds to tell me " I am NOT the only one in this marriage with issues. You have your own. So don't call me out on mine until you fix yours. And oh, by the way, I still love you." This is about my weight...he told me drunk, almost 4 years ago, that I was overweight and needed to do some thing about it. So he did not come out and say it but that is what he meant. He's drinking, he will say hurtful things...he is justifying for himself a reason to drink I KNOW that but it was still very hurtful. 1. He has never done anything to be supportive of my efforts to lose weight. 2. I have some medical issues that he knows about and it is WAY harder for me to lose it and keep it off. 3. I work out regularly and ran a half marathon in late October it's not like I am NOT trying. Like I said..I KNOW he was lashing out and it took all of my effort to not go there with him (so I am venting instead).

Truthfully, I know he has to do this...I know it's his issue but I was trying to be supportive and remind him of the steps to take (I even googled what to do before I spoke to him and followed the advice given). My Alanon meeting is Tuesday so I will be there. I am reading the literature and taking care of me. I am just so frustrated that he is headed down that path again...but don't worry, I am taking care of ME.

Thanks for letting me vent...definitely not how I expected to be spending my New Years Eve!

Bekindalways

Glad you came back Spedteach. At least on a relapse you know what to do - irk.

Hope the Alanon meeting goes well and keep working the next right step!

FeelingGreat

Perfect diversionary tactics on his part ST. Overweight is not the same as alcoholism, and you have no need to feel defensive on that score. He is pushing your buttons because he knows it's something you're sensitive about.

Back to the main topic. It might be more productive if you talk when he's sober, but as you know it's now his responsibility.

Hawkeye13

Unkind diversion

What's your plan B if the cross-addiction spirals?

spedteach

You are right, I am sensitive about it but am proud that I never reacted to him about it.

As for talking to him...I don't discuss anything unless he is sober. He was stone cold sober when I said what I did yesterday.

spedteach

I haven't even thought of plan b yet. My 18 year old son is extremely angry right now so I have been helping him to understand it's a disease. Most of his life, my husband was sober, he didn't know anything until he was 14 and now he's learning about this disease. I am encouraging him to go with me to meetings and learn even more. So plan b...yup, need to think about that. I have had concerns about the Xanax being an issue because 60 pills are gone in under 30 days (2 pills per day is what the script says, they are 0.5 mg? The lowest dose possible). Originally it was given to him to take every 6 hours as needed and now it says 2 per day..he takes more than 2 per day. Ugh. Thank you for opening my eyes to this.

I have thought about calling his therapist, an addiction expert, to ask for guidance on what I can do or say because in the past, I just got angry and ignored him and wasn't kind when he was using. I am really trying a different approach this time...

dandylion

spedteach....if you have been a member, here, since 2003...you may have read everything.... but, even so--I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of articles....as, it might be a good review for you.....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

Maudcat

Hi, spedtech.
Welcome back.
Must be heartbreaking to see so many years of sobriety go out the window.
Hugs.

Ladybird579

My exah uses death in the family as an excuse to drink too. He even drank when people died he'd fallen out with and had not seen in 30 years. He also called me out on my weight. I lost 6 stone but he still complained I had a flabby belly during sex! It's all tactics to keep the heat off of his issues and to make you feel bad about yourself and erode your confidence.

I cannot tell you what to do but we split up. I've put some of the weight back on but I no longer care what men think about my body They either accept me as I am or not. I am confident as I am now. His drinking again maybe a blip and he may get back on the wagon but the important thing for you is to decide if you can live with the drinking now and the possibility that if he does return to sobriety it could happen again. Also he doesnt sound very loving towards you drunk or sober.

dandylion

Ladybird...what a nerve, of your ex!
I would like to see a man have just one baby and see how his belly looks......
By the way...after 50...their "stuff" starts to sag....just by being alive.....lol.....

Mango blast

Sober or not, once active addiction has taken back control it is THAT doing the talking.

It's good to recognize it's the disease of alcoholism/addiction you're now dealing with.

I'm sorry you're going through this. (((Hugs)))

spedteach

Actually- when he's sober and following the program he's a totally different person. Not making any excuses for his behavior but when he starts being this way, it's definitely a sign that he's using.

TropicalWinter

I am fat. I have lived in a larger body for my entire life. I have also been body shamed by my ex (and his fatphobic family who is all about appearances) for years.

A couple of years ago I stumbled across a podcast that changed my life, and I came to realize that, while weight loss may or may not be possible or sustainable for me, living a happy, fulfilled life of joy is possible NO MATTER WHAT I look like. Since then, I've been working VERY hard on self acceptance and letting go of the diet culture that permeates our society.

The number on the scale or the size of your pants DO NOT DEFINE YOUR WORTH.

My ex used my weight to deflect away from his serious issues and as a blaming tool. I seriously considered bariatric surgery in an effort to save my marriage, but the universe intervened to prevent that from happening, thank God.

Sleepyhollo

Benzos like xanax are highly addicting. Necessary short term sometimes when someone is detoxing from alcohol but other than that best to stay away from really in anybody but especially people that already have substance abuse issues. Of course it is going to make him feel good. Most people love it because it works quickly and it is effective. But before you know it people need more and more of it and it is really hard to come off of once you've been on it for a while. There are many other ways to deal with anxiety but people want their quick fix. And if he is actively drinking again it can be dangerous. And cross addiction is pretty common in addicts. Ultimately he needs to find healthy ways of coping with anxiety and the only chance he has of that happening is if he gets help (which it sound alike he is at least seeing a therapist but he may need something more intensive than that). Because otherwise it will continue to be alcohol and/or xanax.

I'm sorry he relapsed after such a long time, that has got to be really tough. Would,your son be open to counseling? Sounds like he might benefit from that for a while. During family week in rehab they made us watch a documentary that is called Pleasure Unwoven. It is really good and explains addiction in layman's terms. I doubt it will resolve his anger issues completely but it may at least help him understand addiction and help him deal with it a little better. I've looked for it on YouTube but as of last year they did not have it on there. Maybe it has changed. Maybe there is an alateen available. He may be able to relate more to kids his own age, especially those who have been around it for a while.

Good luck, stay strong and think about you and your son.

hopeful4

I can only say I am sorry. Alcohol and Xanax can be a very deadly mix. I am sure the doctors did not know he is an addict or would not have prescribed it. It causes blackout drunks, very scary behavior, and mixing benzos w/alcohol is deadly.

So sorry you are dealing with this.